Does Tinder etc give girls a fake sense of validation and give guys a bruised ego?

RedTie

This was a reply to a thread that had been moved/deleted when I hit "post" earlier. The OP, a guy, said he was having a tough time getting matches on Tinder and I shared my thoughts.

Since the original thread is gone here's what I typed up. I think it raises a question that needs looking at in this digital age.

Gauguin_Ghost wrote: »

I know I'm not the only one, it seems a lot of blokes find it hard

You're definitely not alone there.

I consider myself average looking, a female friend once gave me brutal honesty and said I was a "6/10 on a good day". At the time, a few years ago, I thought that was terrible. But in hindsight she was right. And I've had to admit to myself that when it comes to Tinder etc that it isnt enough to get loads of matches.

The rise of Tinder, POF etc has given Irish females a false sense of how good looking they think they are, and here's why:

Fake Validation.

The majority of Irish men would get up on a lampost and are swiping "yes" on everything and anything on Tinder and copying and pasting the same message to girls on POF, changing one detail specific to them to make them feel special.

Girls: the majority of men dont even look at who they're swiping "yes" to and then unmatch if they dont like what they see later. I've been out with friends who are looking at a gig with their eyes and swiping right at the same time without even glancing at their phone.

One friend of mine met his wife using this "throwing everything to see what sticks" method! Thankfully she's lovely, but I think he got lucky.

Unless you're out in Copper Face Jacks, this is not how real life works.

Irish girls are getting fake validation on these apps because on some of them the amount of men vs women is 8:1. That's crazy odds in favour of the girl.

So OP dont beat yourself up. I fare better offline than online these days when its comes to meeting nice girls. Give them a nice smile and show some confidence, you'll be amazed how far those two things alone will get you.

Or at the very least, get the fúck off Tinder. It's shockingly bad for all involved. Men get their egos bruised and women meet men who just want the ride.

TLDR: Tinder and it's ilk are not how real life works.

Does Tinder etc give girls a fake sense of validation and give guys a bruised ego?

Fighting Tao

To be honest. I don't know and I don't care. People should talk face to face rather than swipe.

Oh those feeemales

somefeen

Alot of it is down to absolutely crappy profile pics.

I'm probably right in saying that women put more effort into getting a good pic than men.
I've seen the guys profiles on there. The pics are usually terrible. Probably alright looking guys but if the pic is them off their face, with a big **** eating grin, in a poorly lit night club it's not gonna be flattering.

Cosmicfox

I'm sure every woman is very well aware of the fact that many men just message/swipe on almost every woman on these dating things.

That's why you're best being very choosy as to who to reply to.

Burial.

I know aul dolls with boyfriends who still use Tinder for the validation fix. From what I am aware of its simply a matching thing and no replying to messages but who's to know and that's not really the point. To be fair who doesn't like being reaffirmed they're wanted. Aul dolls' looks have a short shelf life so I guess they have to make good use of it while they can. But things like Instagram posts are the same. The same selfie over and over that the same thirsty lads like. It's a bit of a drug in a way.

As far as it goes for men, sure it's tough for a lot of lads....but dating is a numbers game anyway. You walk Handsome McGee into a room with 100 women and I can guarantee you not all of those women will be 'swiping right'. Will he get more than the average guy, sure and a lot more, but it's very rare that one lad will get 100 out of 100. Everyone's number is different, just have to accept it and keep pushing on.

You've got to have thick skin for online dating and especially Tinder. It's highly and a lot of the time solely based on looks. If you're not a great looking guy but have a great personality and a lot to offer and be proud of, online dating probably isn't your best option. Women are visual too, not as much as men but they still are. I treat Tinder very lightly, it's something to do to pass the time or when I fancy a f*ck or a fool around.

greencap

Just hang in there for the hyperloop to Brazil OP.


Thats when it all gets quick turned upside down.


Tiochaidh ar Consuella.

RedTie

Burial. wrote: »

I know aul dolls

Is it 1962?

biko

So what if Tinder isn't working out for some?
It is fine for others.

Irish girls are getting fake validation on these apps because on some of them the amount of men vs women is 8:1. That's crazy odds in favour of the girl.

You sound like you think Irish girls should lower their expectations or something.
I think this is a strange attitude.


If Tinder or dating sites don't work for you or your mates, that's fine. They're not for everyone.
But spare a thought for the umpteen amounts of people that actually like dating apps and do meet nice partners through them.

RedTie

biko wrote: »

If Tinder or dating sites don't work for you or your mates, that's fine. They're not for everyone.

But spare a thought for the umpteen amounts of people that actually like dating apps and do meet nice partners through them.

They dont just not work for male friends, my female friends havent found success on it either. They've got the ride sure, but nothing sustainable.

And, as mentioned, if its just the ride you're after then all you need to do is go the Coppers.

Hector Bellend

I prefer squirt porn sites myself.

No unrealistic expectations, just a clatter of lovely ladies.

seachto7

Just take the pi55 on your profile description. Take the pi55 within reason with your pics. It's not meant to be taken seriously, and when I was on it, and took that approach of not really giving a f*ck, I had a laugh.
I hate people on it who have this dead serious profile. "Swipe if you're looking for hook ups. Not interested!". Yeah, fair enough, but if you were really serious abotu meeting someone, you wouldn't be on it. You'd be on something better.

Hector Savage

biko wrote: »

So what if Tinder isn't working out for some?
It is fine for others.


You sound like you think Irish girls should lower their expectations or something.
I think this is a strange attitude.


If Tinder or dating sites don't work for you or your mates, that's fine. They're not for everyone.
But spare a thought for the umpteen amounts of people that actually like dating apps and do meet nice partners through them.

Tinder tho is hardly comparable to a dating site where people might be looking for serious relationships ?

It's basically a free unisex brothel ...

Knex*

Tinder is grand if you can follow the two rules.

1. Be attractive.
2. Don't be unattractive.

Are Am Eye

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bxauqa7rJgI

LadyMacBeth_

I used Tinder for a while when I was single. I assumed that most men would swipe on most women so I don't think it gave me an inflated ego. I also assumed that they were messaging anyone they matched with. Tinder is fine if you want something quick and casual, wouldn't recommend it for anything serious though. I got fed up of feeling like I was at a cattle mart. Actually I was seeing a guy for a couple of months that I met on tinder and I couldn't remember swiping on him at all, must have done so accidentally, but he was witty and intelligent so I started seeing him. The funny thing was that he'd decided not to swipe on me at first, but then he wasn't getting too many matches so he decided to look at every photo rather than just the first one, then he deemed me worthy of a match, nice of him to say :pac:

RedTie

LadyMacBeth_ wrote: »

The funny thing was that he'd decided not to swipe on me at first, but then he wasn't getting too many matches so he decided to look at every photo rather than just the first one, then he deemed me worthy of a match, nice of him to say :pac:

He sounds like a keeper :pac:

The right thing to do was not tell you that at all. You didnt need to know.

LadyMacBeth_

RedTie wrote: »

He sounds like a keeper :pac:

The right thing to do was not tell you that at all. You didnt need to know.

Shockingly I am no longer going out with him

mahamageehad

What always surprises me is that people seem to expect that they can or will find love through Tinder. I'm not saying that it *doesn't* happen, but it's pretty rare.

The whole point of Tinder is not to find you love, it's to keep you using Tinder. Every part of their app and UI is designed to keep you there for as long as possible, and to keep you coming back. If Tinder was actually successful at matching people up, then very quickly they would have no audience. It's in their interest to keep you single!!!!

Swiping is a particularly insidious mechanic, because it instills the idea in the user's head that there is always something better coming up next. Add that to the ego-boost of getting a match, you can see very quickly what Tinder's game plan is. Always remember, if you're not paying to use a product, then you are the product!

Lux23

I think everyone should take things like swipes, likes etc. with a grain of salt. If a person thinks of their self-worth in terms of matches on Tinder then they really have a lot of work to do building their confidence and self-esteem. And perhaps they shouldn't really be dating.

Burial.

RedTie wrote: »

Is it 1962?

Cork 2k17 baiiiiiii

Glenster

If your ego is bruised when you don't match on tinder then you probably shouldn't be on it.

and if you're seriously concerned about women getting a false sense of validation by being under the impression that men find them attractive, then I would recommend walking down Grafton Street with a sign saying "50% of women are below average attractiveness".

See how many matches that gets you.

Are Am Eye

RedTie wrote: »

The right thing to do was not tell you that at all. You didnt need to know.

He was being a little bit PUA maybe?

LadyMacBeth_

Are Am Eye wrote: »

He was being a little bit PUA maybe?

I think he just has no filter to be honest. I don't think it was said with an agenda.

RedTie

Are Am Eye wrote: »

He was being a little bit PUA maybe?

A Pick Up Artist?






In Ireland?!











:pac:

Lux23

The funny thing here is that it's the average looking men getting angry at the average looking women for being entitled when the men are just as entitled for thinking the average women should be into them.

MightyMandarin

Lux23 wrote: »

The funny thing here is that it's the average looking men getting angry at the average looking women for being entitled when the men are just as entitled for thinking the average women should be into them.

It's just funny watching entitled people getting angry at other people for doing the exact same thing. It's not just on tinder though, it happens everywhere.

It's just like when some women give out 'oh men are so boring, they don't even try and approach women in real life', yet they'd never approach a man when out.

Lux23

MightyMandarin wrote: »

It's just funny watching entitled people getting angry at other people for doing the exact same thing. It's not just on tinder though, it happens everywhere.

It's just like when some women give out 'oh men are so boring, they don't even try and approach women in real life', yet they'd never approach a man when out.

Oh, it is an age old problem to be fair.

MightyMandarin

RedTie wrote: »

The rise of Tinder, POF etc has given Irish females a false sense of how good looking they think they are, and here's why: Fake Validation.
[...]
The majority of Irish men would get up on a lampost and are swiping "yes" on everything and anything on Tinder and copying and pasting the same message to girls on POF, changing one detail specific to them to make them feel special.

Look, I agree with you that Tinder is a load of bollocks, but the stereotyping here just pisses me off tbh.

Yeah there are some women who get validation from the quantity of Tinder matches (and some lads I know too), but inside they're not so deluded to think that constantly swiping right means it's completely false. People are dumb, but not that dumb.

I also dunno where you're off to with 'The majority of Irish men would get up on a lampost'. In case you don't realise, plenty of men have standards and don't judge their self-worth on the amount of relationships they've had or girls they've slept with.

The kind that do are typically the most boring clowns whose hobbies are 'drinking pints wit de lads' and are almost always drowning with low self-esteem and confidence issues inside imo. The same goes for their female versions who use tinder for an ego-boost.

TL;DR: Idiots do idiotic things, and just cause they happen to be male or female, doesn't mean all males or all females do the same idiotic things.

Are Am Eye

RedTie wrote: »

A Pick Up Artist?
In Ireland?!
:pac:

You don't seem to know very much.
It was a cringy phenomena among certain types in ireland and elsewhere in recent years to use and espouse supposed tactics like reverse psychology or 'negging' with women.

seachto7

MightyMandarin wrote: »

I also dunno where you're off to with 'The majority of Irish men would get up on a lampost'. In case you don't realise, plenty of men have standards and don't judge their self-worth on the amount of relationships they've had or girls they've slept with.

The kind that do are typically the most boring clowns whose hobbies are 'drinking pints wit de lads' and are almost always drowning with low self-esteem and confidence issues inside imo. The same goes for their female versions who use tinder for an ego-boost.

Bang on! :cool:

RedTie

Are Am Eye wrote: »

You don't seem to know very much.
It was a cringy phenomena among certain types in ireland and elsewhere in recent years to use and espouse supposed tactics like reverse psychology or 'negging' with women.

I'm aware of what it was. Im also aware that I didnt see it in practice in Ireland anywhere ever.

Irish Praetorian

You need to get on Grindr, MUCH better success rate.

Lux23

RedTie wrote: »

I'm aware of what it was. Im also aware that I didnt see it in practice in Ireland anywhere ever.

Ah, now there was plenty of posts on Boards from lads interested in it. And negging is pretty much the go-to seduction technique for a certain type of Irish lad.

RedTie

Lux23 wrote: »

And negging is pretty the go-to seduction technique for a certain type of Irish lad.

I had to Google it but at least I know now

Negging is a rhetorical strategy whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise insulting remark to another person in order to undermine their confidence in a way that gains approval. The term was coined and prescribed by the pickup artist community.

So basically, it's lads being absolute bastards and girls loving it because they like the bad boys?

Sure that's been going on for decades.

Burial.

Negging is one of the most misunderstood things when it comes to "game" which is why when done right it's incredibly effective. The fact women know when they're being "negged" means the guy doing it is clueless. People seem to think it's something like "your shoes are ugly, wanna f*ck?" Negging is a form is teasing/flirting, something a regular 'loser' would never do or say because to him women are beautiful and wonderful and they need to be told that and he has to be a nice guy to get the girl.

Negging was a way of setting yourself aside from the other 9 lads who fawned over a girls looks...then some guys just took it too far on models and p*rn stars and regular guys started using cookie cutter lines and found that it didn't breed the same results. I can guarantee if you've ever been chatted up by a guy who clearly knew what he was doing and was good with women then you've been negged in some shape or form.

Are Am Eye

RedTie wrote: »

I had to Google it

No need to be scorpy on the thread just because you don't know
what negging is and cause you ego got bruised on tinder.

Rakish Paddy

Tinder is bloody fantastic. I spent a few months on it as a result of a bit of a single dry spell, and before I knew it I was contemplating buying wellies because I was knee-deep in clunge. Eventually I met someone in meat-space and deleted my Tinder account, but man did I have fun during those few months. And I think I'm a pretty average-looking guy. I just didn't take it too seriously and had some fun.

hatrickpatrick

The grass is always greener. Personally I find the incessant pinging on my phone after I've done a bit of swiping a little tiresome :pac:

RedTie

Rakish Paddy wrote: »

and before I knew it I was contemplating buying wellies because I was knee-deep in clunge.

Ladies and gentlemen, the best line on Boards this year.

And it's only July.

MightyMandarin

Rakish Paddy wrote: »

Tinder is bloody fantastic. I spent a few months on it as a result of a bit of a single dry spell, and before I knew it I was contemplating buying wellies because I was knee-deep in clunge. Eventually I met someone in meat-space and deleted my Tinder account, but man did I have fun during those few months. And I think I'm a pretty average-looking guy. I just didn't take it too seriously and had some fun.

How did you get on with the trials at West Ham?

Lux23

Burial. wrote: »

I can guarantee if you've ever been chatted up by a guy who clearly knew what he was doing and was good with women then you've been negged in some shape or form.

Lads who are good with women don't need to use tricks.

Rakish Paddy

MightyMandarin wrote: »

How did you get on with the trials at West Ham?

I have a friend who can tell you all about it.

Rakish Paddy

Lux23 wrote: »

Lads who are good with women don't need to use tricks.

Amen to that!

Radiant Cool Crazy Nightmare

Rakish Paddy wrote: »

I have a friend who can tell you all about it.

A football friend?

LadyMacBeth_

About this whole negging thing. If it's a bit of banter or teasing someone, insulting them in a joking way then that's grand, that's quite typical for Irish flirting in general, I enjoy it. I like compliments too of course but only if I think they are genuine.

Burial.

Lux23 wrote: »

Lads who are good with women don't need to use tricks.

Whether they're conscious of it or not, men and women use tricks in the dating game. Don't be so naive.

RedTie

Burial. wrote: »

Whether they're conscious of it or not, men and women use tricks in the dating game. Don't be so naive.

Well based on all you've scaid in this thread maybe you should setup some online course so we can all learn from the master.

www.pua.ie is free

Lux23

Burial. wrote: »

Whether they're conscious of it or not, men and women use tricks in the dating game. Don't be so naive.

Or they are just using their personality/looks to good effect. I know plenty of people who are good-looking and they barely have to speak to someone to get them to sleep with them.

RedTie

Lux23 wrote: »

Or they are just using their personality/looks to good effect. I know plenty of people who are good-looking and they barely have to speak to someone to get them to sleep with them.

There's a story a friend of mine still mentions now and again, goes like this:

An average looking single woman goes upto an average single guy, grabs him by the balls and says "Wanna fúck?!". Cue the guy 9 times out of ten saying yes.

But then

An average looking single man goes upto an average looking single woman, grabs her by the privates and says "Wanna fúck?!". 10 times out of 10 that guy is getting, at the least, a slap or maybe even a jail cell for the night.

TLDR: Women hold almost all the cards in the initial part of boy meeting girl. Things definitely change as the relationship goes on, but at the start I think the (wonderful) female of the species has most of the influence on how it will begin.

Burial.

Lux23 wrote: »

Or they are just using their personality/looks to good effect. I know plenty of people who are good-looking and they barely have to speak to someone to get them to sleep with them.

Ones personality can be worked on and improved. Books likes How To Win Friends And Influence People is a rather innocent book (a phenomenal book at that) but it includes tricks and techniques that can transform your relationships and experiences, sexual and otherwise. Saying you learned something from a book like that goes down a lot better than learning from a book from whatever guy is selling his rendition of cutting edge how to pull women manual. It's all advice, tips, tricks and techniques. That goes for salesperson books, financial books etc. All tricks and tips to get the most out your experiences.

Good looks help a tonne obviously, but women wear makeup and alluring clothing to help them attract and seduce a man, and likewise men wear clothing that shows off their muscles and whiten their teeth. Now you may say this is just to show themselves off and give themselves the best chance possible, and likewise if a lad learns how to chat to women by reading a book he's doing the exact same thing.

Not everyone is blessed with model looks and the wit and charm of Tom Hardy. To turn your nose down on them because they learned "tricks" is a bit silly.