Ideal wedding from guest's perspective (Mod warning in 1st post)

ligerdub

What about not going to foreign stags? Any thoughts?

Neyite

meeeeh wrote: »

Not it is not summons but I am inviting only closest friends and family and yes I would be hurt if those I hold dearest would consider an invitation to a wedding with free drink and food and no expectation of a present too much hassle. I don't even know why I am responding to this because you just decided to twist my words in the most negative way just to portray me as self entitled bitch.

I'm not portraying you as anything.

I probably won't make it to my sister's wedding. It's touch and go if she will be able to come to mine. But getting annoyed? No way. She means more to me than that and vice versa.

If they are your very closest friends and declined surely they would have genuine reasons even if you weren't given them and surely you'd take them at their word? Just because it's free does not mean that their time might be.

kunst nugget

ligerdub wrote: »

What about not going to foreign stags? Any thoughts?

I've never gone on a foreign stag. Could never justify the costs.

Faith

Mod note: This will be my last warning. This thread has gone wildly off-topic and has some quite unnecessary aggression and rudeness. Please remember that this thread is about the ideal wedding from your (as a guest) perspective. It's not a space to criticise the preferences of others, or to attack other posts. If the thread doesn't get back on topic ASAP, I'll have no choice but to close it (and I hate closing threads when I don't have to, because you're all adults!)

scarepanda

meeeeh wrote:

Not it is not summons but I am inviting only closest friends and family and yes I would be hurt if those I hold dearest would consider an invitation to a wedding with free drink and food and no expectation of a present too much hassle. I don't even know why I am responding to this because you just decided to twist my words in the most negative way just to portray me as self entitled bitch.

Aside from someone's financial situation, you don't know what's going on in anyone else's life to make judgement, no matter how well you know them or how close you are to them.

I went through a period of pretty bad anxiety a few years ago. Noone at the time had a clue what was going on except from my fiancé, boss and councillor I was seeing at the time. During that period I would have found it very difficult to go to a gathering, especially a family one.

Similarly, I have to have an operation in the next 4/6 weeks. The only people that know about it are my fiancé, doctors, one of my future sister in law's and my bridesmaid - both of which were only told because they needed to know for various reasons. I don't intend on telling my parents/siblings/best friends till a day or two before I go for the op. So if we got an invitation now we'd have to send back a decline RSVP, even if it was just down the road.

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LirW

Friend of mine had a cute hen, they had an afternoon tea party (she doesn't drink), followed by a vintage headband crafting class and a dinner.

You mainly see these excessive hens and stags at excessive weddings.

baby and crumble

Re: the hen party thing, I'm going away for a few nights with my closest friends, tbh it's an excuse for a little mini holiday with friends I don't see too much anymore because of kids etc, and I've been really explicit with those invited that it's not mandatory, it's purely because i'd like to hang out for a bit, and that's it's low key (no nightclubs, more hanging out chatting). If someone can't come that's totally grand. I was totally up for a random night out in Dublin but the folks invited were like "ah no, let's go away!"

Herself is heading away to London with just her wedding party, and it's moreso a chance for them to get to know each other- the bridesmaids wouldn't really know each other that well. They're staying in a cheap hostel and going shopping for some stuff for the wedding while they're at it, as far as I know...

Kinda want to reflect the vibe we're going with for the wedding- it's not a summons, we don't want to put anyone out, and if you can't afford it then we certainly won't fall out, at all. It's not too long ago that I was unemployed and couldn't afford the cinema nevermind a weekend away.

DaeryssaOne

I had wanted to have a local 1 night hen but my sister basically forced me into going away (in Ireland) for 2 nights. I was very conscious of the cost it was putting on people but if they were complaining about it I never heard, in fairness it was a really brilliant weekend and I'm glad it wasn't like any other night out locally - I had absolutely no issues with anybody who couldn't make it either.

To all the people complaining about day 2 - I have to say it's almost always my favourite day! It was my favourite day of my own wedding too, it's always so much more relaxed, having a giggle with friends about the previous night's antics, no travelling anywhere that morning just chilling out and of course there's no pressure on anybody to stay on - it's generally close friends and family members who want to have more fun with you, ours turned into a hilarious session that I will never forget and I'm so glad we did it!

freshpopcorn

To me a wedding should take place close to where the Bride or Groom Grew up where they live now.
A couple in our town went over three hours away and invited about 200 to the wedding/reception and nearly 300 to the after. I wasn't invited but it didn't go down well. However this year when the hotel did up their wedding brochure the couple featured heavily in it so they probably got a good deal with the hotel.
I prefer a church ceremony. I like to have a break between the ceremony and the meal. However I don't really care what type the ceremony is or how long it lasts once it's what the bride and groom believes in.
I don't like black tie weddings. Mainly because black doesn't suit me and I think they look a bit like a grown up debs.
I like a good main course meal. I wouldn't be into hog roasts.
I always like to get a bit of wedding cake in the evening.
What I saw once and I liked it was the couple put a range of fizzy drinks/flavored waters on the table because they knew the attendants weren't wine/alcohol drinkers.
Stuff such as photo both's don't bother me because I don't bother with them.

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meeeeh

Neyite wrote: »

I'm not portraying you as anything.

I probably won't make it to my sister's wedding. It's touch and go if she will be able to come to mine. But getting annoyed? No way. She means more to me than that and vice versa.

If they are your very closest friends and declined surely they would have genuine reasons even if you weren't given them and surely you'd take them at their word? Just because it's free does not mean that their time might be.

If I reply to this the next response will be but what about if lighting kills half of their family... I'm not going to go into whataboutery for every eventuality. I'm fairly certain that unless before mentioned lighting strikes they will attend the wedding. My point was I would not expect anyone to travel to the destination wedding because it is expensive but in general I would expect the effort from close friends and family when wedding is local to them. And yes I do know can't and won't use lack of funds as an excuse.

freshpopcorn

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I'm a man and I never saw a man at a black tie wedding who wasn't wearing black!

SozBbz

ligerdub wrote: »

What about not going to foreign stags? Any thoughts?

I think the whole hen/stag thing kind of depends on where you fall in your group of friends getting married. Everyone is always really excited for the first one or two and therefore might be happy to agree to go away, but if you're towards the latter end of the group, there may be less enthusiasm.

Personally I'm all for keeping everything as low key as possible.

scarepanda

I don't have anything planned yet for the hen. There was chat about going away for a night, bth I'd much prefer going out for dinner with my closest friends and then to a quite(ish) pub/pub without stupid loud music to have a good chat with everyone. I wouldn't even mind if it was in my local town. I really do like the sound of afternoon tea and then an activity.

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For a man it does, black suit, white shirt and dickie bow would be the definition of "black tie" for a man.

My parents were at a black tie wedding recently and looking at the pictures this is what every man was wearing. I actuality think it looks quite cool though I wouldn't do it for my own wedding as it is hassle for people.

mirrorwall14

LirW wrote: »

Friend of mine had a cute hen, they had an afternoon tea party (she doesn't drink), followed by a vintage headband crafting class and a dinner.

You mainly see these excessive hens and stags at excessive weddings.

Did I organise it? Lol. I organised one with a fab house but minimal cost. It was a two night but was the cheapest hen I was ever at. I and others brought dinner for the Friday night and we sat in. Saturday we had afternoon tea in the house, everyone brought something and it was great craic. After that I had picked up lots of cheap stuff, two people brought glue guns and we did hat making ourselves. Later we wore them to dinner. No externals to pay and it came in around the 100 mark if I remember correctly. She loved it and apparently so did everyone else

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Isn't that the point of black tie?

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ligerdub

ligerdub wrote: »

What about not going to foreign stags? Any thoughts?

Only been on one foreign stag and it was to a place that we had gone on drinking weekends before years back so we were all really wanted to go for old times sake.

In general a stag somewhere in Ireland is preferable, somewhere that maybe most people haven't been before if possible. I don't like one day stags, need at least a good two if not 3 day session which was how all the stags were bar one in my group of friends but everyone is big into drinking so there would be no complaints about it or anything. I don't really like activities and prefer just to get started on the drinking early the second morning.

kunst nugget

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Have to say, I've never seen anyone wear jeans and a GAA shirt to a wedding…

freshpopcorn

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Bobby Massive Drill wrote: »

For a man it does, black suit, white shirt and dickie bow would be the definition of "black tie" for a man.

My parents were at a black tie wedding recently and looking at the pictures this is what every man was wearing. I actuality think it looks quite cool though I wouldn't do it for my own wedding as it is hassle for people.

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Bobby Massive Drill wrote: »

Isn't that the point of black tie?

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I was always under the impression that a black tie wedding meant to wear a black pants, jacket, bow and white shirt. If the couple suggested a place to rent it.The option generally was a black suit. I never saw suggestions of purple or wine suits being given.
I was under the impression it was so all the guy would look the same in the photo and it would stop people wearing beige, blue, shiny suits and had nothing to do with jeans and GAA jerseys!

GingerLily

Bobby Massive Drill wrote: »

Only been on one foreign stag and it was to a place that we had gone on drinking weekends before years back so we were all really wanted to go for old times sake.

In general a stag somewhere in Ireland is preferable, somewhere that maybe most people haven't been before if possible. I don't like one day stags, need at least a good two if not 3 day session which was how all the stags were bar one in my group of friends but everyone is big into drinking so there would be no complaints about it or anything. I don't really like activities and prefer just to get started on the drinking early the second morning.

That's some people's worst nightmare for a stag! Just shows how everyone has a different opinion!

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Formal wear is standard and expected at every wedding so specifying black tie means imo that they want all male guests in a black tux basically.

I've been to a lot of weddings and never saw a single person ever turn up in anything even remotely like a Gaa jersey, I've seen one full day guest wear jeans but he wasn't Irish and I'd guess didn't understand that in Ireland anyway formal wear is expected at a wedding.

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freshpopcorn

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It was just what my understanding of a black tie wedding was. I never even thought a guy would turn up in a different colour other than black when the couple requested black tie.

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freshpopcorn

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PM if anybody wants me to attend your black tie wedding or event!

The people I know who had them wanted all the guy to look the same and be in black. So, I wouldn't go against them.

GingerLily

Can ya not keep it in topic lads, lol!!!

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Of course it's not the only way to dress formally, a suit be it blue, black, grey etc with a shirt of any colour and tie of any colour is dressing formally and the type of formal dress you expect to see at a wedding hence why it black tie is requested it's not a request to dress formally it's a request to wear a tux.

Anyway back on topic. I prefer when weddings are not organised on bank holiday weekends.

GingerLily

Bobby Massive Drill wrote: »

Of course it's not the only way to dress formally, a suit be it blue, black, grey etc with a shirt of any colour and tie of any colour is dressing formally and the type of formal dress you expect to see at a wedding hence why it black tie is requested it's not a request to dress formally it's a request to wear a tux.

This back and forth is ruining the thread

dresden8

Keep the time that guests arrive at hotel and getting fed to a minimum. Hungry guests guzzling pints in the afternoon leads to messiness later on.

Dear God, just some fncking food in the afternoon...........

GingerLily

GingerLily wrote: »

This back and forth is ruining the thread

It's called a discussion, what's the point in a discussion fourm if you cannot discuss things? Anyway that's the end of it anyway and things are back on topic.

Romantic Rose

I have been to a few weddings which were a disaster in terms of food quality and delay of getting dinner out. One wedding, the dinner didn't start until 7p.m as guests were still traveling to the venue and then this delayed the band starting which resulting in them only playing for an hour. Really took away the enjoyment of guests. Lots of hangry guests.

I was very conscious of this at my own wedding. Hopefully I made our day very enjoyable for our guests.

A few points which I've learnt from other weddings and tried to do at our wedding..

-Our ceremony and reception were at the same location. Our venue had a bar which guests had a drink at pre ceremony. Kept guests happy as they weren't waiting too long outside for me to arrive.

-Later starting time @2 which gave guests a chance to eat some lunch before travelling to location.

-Lots of canapés and a bang on starting time for dinner.

- I had a very bossy photographer who was amazing. She had all the photographs done in 20 minutes. Then we all went back to mingle with our guests.

- No speeches. Just a short thank you from the groom. I know this doesn't suit everyone but I've been to weddings where there was a lot of waffle or things that were sentimental to the bride and groom but not to the majority of the guests there. Maybe I'm just a heartless cow though

-Smaller numbers so less people to keep happy and made to feel they're genuinely wanted there.

I know all these things aren't always realistic but I think there are a lot of things within your control that you can do. Good food and keeping guests topped up with booze is essential. A good band too who can gauge the guests well. No point in having a Country Night at said venue when the guests just aren't into that

baby and crumble

I know some folks were annoyed with the back and forth re black tie, but I think it's on topic. I would love to be invited to a black tie wedding as I really enjoy black tie events. We're not stating a dress code on our invites but we have a lot of friends who enjoy similar events and I and my bridesdude will be in black tie- although neither of us are wearing black jackets, well both be wearing coloured velvet dinner jackets. I'd say a good few guys will turn up in their tuxedos- because they own them and want to get the wear out of them.

But like is coming through on most sub topics that are being brought up- you can't please everyone.

zoobizoo

baby and crumble wrote: »

We're not stating a dress code on our invites but we have a lot of friends who enjoy similar events and I and my bridesdude will be in black tie- although neither of us are wearing black jackets, well both be wearing coloured velvet dinner jackets. I'd say a good few guys will turn up in their tuxedos- because they own them and want to get the wear out of them.

I would suggest either making it black tie or not....

I've a tux which I wear to black tie events. I've a few decent suits that I wear to regular weddings.

I wouldn't turn up to a black tie event in a suit and I wouldn't attend a regular wedding in a tux. I dress for the occasion.

I've seen people turn up in black tie at regular weddings and they look out of place.

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A friend who wanted to do Black Tie as "it's for people who don't have suits - it makes it easier for them".

My reply was "how many of your friends don't own a suit?" The answer: NONE


Black Tie for a wedding, for me, is pretentious.

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baby and crumble

I agree, to a point, but it really doesn't actually bother me. I'd prefer not to have to go out and buy new clothes- but I'll happily admit I have an interest in fashion and vintage/ formalwear so black tie would be easier for me than most other things!

We're not stating 'black tie' or anything like that, but people are already asking us what they should wear, what are other people wearing etc (the invites haven't even gone out yet, just the save the dates!) so we're being honest and telling them the kind of wedding it's going to be- which is relatively glam and vintage black-tie-esque. It suits myself and my partner, we go to black tie and vintage events probably 10+ times a year, with most of our guests being the same, so actually having a hippy-boho afternoon tea wedding would just be odd for us, people would wonder why we're not being authentic.

I think that riles Irish people up at weddings more than anything- the feeling that the couple are putting on "airs and graces" that they don't have, or aren't being honest about what they like. If your days are spent growing your own veg and you go camping every year and you're much more down to earth types, then hosting a black tie, highly formal and structured wedding makes zero sense to you, or likely to the folks you hang out with. People won't be comfortable, the couple won't actually be comfortable and then you get a wedding that feels weird and stiff and awkward and that you remember for the wrong reasons.

screamer

What I can't stand at a wedding:
Waiting for the bride to arrive more than 10 minutes....
A huge journey to the venue... Like more than an hour....
Dinner that starts at 7 when everyone is starving
Black tie and all other pretentious crap chocolate fountains candy carts why?????
Wedding favours.... Spend the money on something more useful better food better band another choice on the menu etc......
Speeches that never end
Bride speeches then bridesmaid speeches.... On top of groom best man and dad's.....
Dinner served with courses too close together or too far apart
Bad food or not enough of it
Horrible battery acid wine I'd prefer a drink of choice
Suckling pig for afters food I do not want to see that let alone eat it
Music that is way too loud
Ridiculous room prices to stay in a room for a few hours.....
The couple who dance the first couple of dances and then leave the dance floor or the room even it just kills any atmosphere unless the crowd are good to keep it going and usually they're not.

Really I think simple is just better. I like to see the bride and the groom spend time with everyone together and be hosts for their wedding not just expect everyone to flap around them. Decent food and lots of it seconds even and decent music and dancing the night away.

zoobizoo

baby and crumble wrote: »

It suits myself and my partner, we go to black tie and vintage events probably 10+ times a year, with most of our guests being the same, so actually having a hippy-boho afternoon tea wedding would just be odd for us, people would wonder why we're not being authentic.

I think that riles Irish people up at weddings more than anything- the feeling that the couple are putting on "airs and graces" that they don't have, or aren't being honest about what they like. =.

That makes sense.

My issue I guess is when someone goes "we're doing Black Tie" and it's an extra cost / hassle for most people and they're not, let's say, Black Tie people.

I've heard of a three day wedding event in Italy (all guests flying from IReland) and the wife demanded it be black tie...

mcgiggles

screamer wrote:

The couple who dance the first couple of dances and then leave the dance floor or the room even it just kills any atmosphere unless the crowd are good to keep it going and usually they're not.

Was at a wedding once where couple did first dance and left the floor and stood at the bar with 99% of the crowd for the night, poor band were left playing to us (about 5 of us!) for hours! Felt bad for the band! Why pay for a band if you're gona do that? Stick on an ipad!

pwurple

screamer wrote: »

The couple who dance the first couple of dances and then leave the dance floor or the room even it just kills any atmosphere unless the crowd are good to keep it going and usually they're not.

I like to see the bride and the groom spend time with everyone together and be hosts for their wedding not just expect everyone to flap around them.

It's actually tricky enough to do both of these! You have to leave the dancefloor to go talk to people.

GingerLily

pwurple wrote: »

It's actually tricky enough to do both of these! You have to leave the dancefloor to go talk to people.

Being physically impossible is no excuse!

Boggy Turf

zoobizoo wrote: »

Black Tie for a wedding, for me, is pretentious.

Agreed. I was only invited to one black tie wedding. Black tie immediately put me off and I made up an excuse to get out of going. I heard it was utter rubbish too.

Loveinapril

baby and crumble wrote: »

I know some folks were annoyed with the back and forth re black tie, but I think it's on topic. I would love to be invited to a black tie wedding as I really enjoy black tie events. We're not stating a dress code on our invites but we have a lot of friends who enjoy similar events and I and my bridesdude will be in black tie- although neither of us are wearing black jackets, well both be wearing coloured velvet dinner jackets. I'd say a good few guys will turn up in their tuxedos- because they own them and want to get the wear out of them.

But like is coming through on most sub topics that are being brought up- you can't please everyone.

Off topic but I REALLY hope you post pics of your wedding on the "photos of my wedding" thread. I love reading your plans.

leanonme

Addle wrote: »

Of course it's up to the priest.
Good luck finding a priest who'll leave out the mass.
And fair enough. If couples choose a catholic ceremony, they shouldn't be so bothered by a catholic mass.

We are having the rite of marriage with out communion. When we spoke with our priest he offered it as an option and said that that was originally how a marriage was done, and then people just wanted to add length to the ceremony so they started to add in bits from a normal mass. I have been to a few weddings where this has been done.

Our priest was quite fine with us creating a mass with wanted once we respected certain elements, and that was for two sections he wanted hymns, everything else he didnt mind.

We are getting married in a little over two weeks, We are having 'first look' pics before hand, and most of the family pics before hand so we have to get less taken afterwards. The marriage is at 1.30 in a church which has a lot of special meaning for me, and we explained that in the mass booklet for guests, dont plan on being too late. Venue is 45 mins away with drinks and food, on a lake and with a walled garden, garden games, music etc. Dinner round 6.30, but speeches after starters and soup. Then the band and DJ in the evening.

Having a BBQ the next day in my dads house, no expectation on anyone to be there, most people dont even know about it yet.

We both like attending weddings and go to a few every year so have planed a day that we like.

Spanish Eyes

Back to the Hen element of weddings.

I was a bit more ahem "mature" than the bride was for this wedding, as was my sister and other mad aunties! We were muttering about the hens and not being up for all nighters in bars and clubs.....

Turns out the Bride's mother also said the same, so Bride did a two parter. One for herself and the young wans in Kilkenny, then another afternoon tea type thing in the Shelbourne for the "oldies".

It was perfect for everyone.