Battling Resentment

LegacyUser

I could use some help or advice with a personal issue I am having. To cut a long story short I find myself becoming very resentful of my family and want to learn how to deal with it.

Last March (2016) my parents split up. I don't want to go into the ins and outs but my mam had to leave the home and my father to get away from the abusive situation she found herself in. Needless to say my dad isn't a nice man and my mam decided she was worth more. She and my sister( 27 at the time) lived in the family home and they both moved out. My mam went to stay with her parents and my sister moved in with me and my boyfriend. She was staying on our couch in our one bed apartment. Unfortunately my mam had to leave her parents house and move in with us because my grandfather, who has alzheimer's, couldn't cope with the change in his routine.

My dad made life very difficult over the last year and a half and I find that they are still staying with us. Me and my partner sleep in the sitting room and my mam and my sister are in the bedroom. It was all supposed to be short term until they found a new place or got the house sold but it obviously has not been. My partner has been amazing in all this and I honestly don't know how he could be so great or so understandable. But I have become so upset. I was in a really stressful situation the last year, trying to finish my PhD, and the stress of this didn't help.

My mam has a disability which makes life difficult for her and very little money. The family home has now been sold and she'll have enough money to buy a place of her own soon. I don't really blame her for any of this as I know she has a lot to recover from and it took ages for her to really be able to pull herself into a better mental situation. The problem I am having is with my sister. She's a grown up still living in my home.. She has a good job with good pay and could have well afforded to rent somewhere, either for both herself and my mother, or just herself. However she's prefer to stay with us and just moan about life. She does nothing for herself either, all the cleaning up and cooking is done by my mam for her. And I am so so sick of it.

Obviously it is not an ideal situation for anyone, but I am so upset. I have no time for myself anymore, not much quality time with the boyfriend, and everything I do I feel like I have to include her as she is quite upset about having no life of her own. I have become so resentful. My PhD stipend ran out 4 months back and I am awaiting my final oral exam (viva) soon. So I finally asked her to contribute something towards the rent to ease the burden on my savings. She is now but I get the impression she isn't happy about it. She also doesn't want to buy a house with my mam or contribute towards it, but will "rent a room" from mam as she says.

I just want to yell and scream but obviously that upsets mam and I don't want to make a bad situation even worse. I think with the stress of finishing my phD and the living situation I am not in a fit mental state, but I hate that I am someone who has started to resent my own family. She used to be my best friend, and still is, but I am disliking spending any time with her at the moment.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel with the house being sold and mam starting to look into houses, but I am literally at my wits end. I know that I am a horrible person but I would really appreciate any tips for letting my resentment and anger go.

zoobizoo

Is your sister not contributing in anyway ....rent, food or bills, while living with you?

Why did you allow her to move in instead of telling her that she'd just have to rent / house share?

When your mother had to move in, why did you not say that there wasn't enough space for four of you to stay so that she would have to leave?


I'm not having a go here btw, you have been extremely generous to your sister and she has happily allowed you to do so.

You have every right to be resentful towards your sister.

Airyfairy12

Youre going to have tell her to go and get her own place, she has money and can afford it so she has no excuse.

Dee01

I don't have much advice OP, but I just wanted to say that you have the patience of a saint. I have no idea how you have lasted in this situation. Well done. Your b/f is also something else. Not many would accept such an arrangement.

There is light at the end of the tunnel as your mam will be moving out soon. Fingers crossed she will find something quickly and as her own house is sold already, she will be in a good position with estate agents as she isn't in a chain.

You now need to stand up and let your sister know that she will need to move out as well. A 1 bed apartment does not accommodate 3/4 people and you and your b/f need some space to yourself. You must insist she pay her fair share in rent, bills and shopping until she moves out. If she's not happy, tough.

groovyg

When I lived in a one bed apartment guests slept in the sitting room. I don' understand why you let them have your bedroom.
Jesus that set up would test my sanity nevermind a relationship, both yourself and your boyfriend must be very relaxed or complete walkovers to put up with it for this length of time.
You shouldn't have to ask your sister for rent she should have paying her way since she moved in. Also buying a house takes time as well, you could be looking at 3-4 months in terms of finalising sale and moving in.

Katgurl

You are so far from a horrible person OP it's not even funny. I could not have managed two weeks of that arrangement. Your sister is taking complete advantage.

I am furious on uour behalf that she has lived off you and your generosity for this long but she needs to be told to go and to contribute properly in the meantime. And make it clear that giving 'something' does not suffice, she must pay her share. Plus paying does not grant her permission to not make serious efforts to find her own place. By rights, she should be making a back payment contribution but that is unlikely to happen.

I do not know how your boyfriend has coped either. He is a keeper.

Teyla Emmagan

Hopefully your Mam will find somewhere soon OP, but it could still easily be 6 months. Will your sanity and relationship last that long? Your sister is taking the complete piss, she should have found a house share at the time. She is really abusing your generosity. And your mother's by the sound of it. Just ask her to find somewhere else until your mother is settled. You will all go mad otherwise.

gline

Have you sat down with everyone and discussed this with them calmly? Your sister should be leaving ASAP, give her a reasonable deadline to get out, she has money and a job, she’s using you and your mother. You need to explain to them that your place is too small and you’re cracking up and won’t last much longer with this setup, you can’t sleep on the couch anymore, you are in the final stage of your PhD, that’s very stressful on its own. Another thing, you shouldn’t be dipping into your savings because you have visitors imposing financially.

To be honest in my opinion, they are asking too much of you and its going to get worse if it doesn't change soon.

SimpleDimples

I can understand your mother's need for support but your sister is an adult. An income earning, capable of being fully independent adult. Instead she is being a completely selfish, lazy, spoilt brat who os quiet happy to contribute nothing and have you sleep on your couch in your home while you are doing your phd.

Your boyfriend is a hero btw. :-)

MissShihTzu

Nope. Enough is enough. You need to tell your sister to leave. Forget the rent. She is freeloading, and you know it. No wonder you're feeling angry, stressed and resentful!

Paddy Cow

Resentful_Sister wrote: »

The problem I am having is with my sister. She's a grown up still living in my home.. She has a good job with good pay and could have well afforded to rent somewhere, either for both herself and my mother, or just herself. However she's prefer to stay with us and just moan about life. She does nothing for herself either, all the cleaning up and cooking is done by my mam for her. And I am so so sick of it.

Op you've answered your own question there. Your sister is well able to afford her own accommodation but is simply too lazy and cheap to and would prefer to sponge off you and your boyfriend while letting her disabled mother act as her maid. You need to tell your sister that she has to move out and you will be doing all four of you a favour. You and your boyfriend need your space, your mother shouldn't be running around after an adult and your sister needs to be made to grow up.

Her idea of waiting until your mother has bought a house and then she'll rent a room is insidious. She'll move into your mother's house and not pay a penny's rent, let your mother continue to be her maid and when your mother dies, she will feel entitled to a house she has never contributed to. Your mother found the strength to leave her abusive partner. Please don't consign her to living with an abusive daughter.

However you feel, your sister is NOT your best friend. Friends do not take advantage of each other. Friends crash on your couch for a couple of weeks/months (max) while looking for a place but they contribute while doing so. They do not stay in a one bedroom apartment for over a year and then get the hump when they are asked to contribute. They shouldn't have to be asked ffs. It's basic common decency. If someone is good enough to help you through bad times, you don't take the p!ss. You contribute and make yourself useful until you leave. Your sister hasn't grasped this.

You are not a horrible person. You and your boyfriend are kind and generous to the point where is really is a fault. For the sake of you, your boyfriend and mother, you have to have a serious conversation with your sister and tell her that she has to find her own place. If she had any empathy at all and was serious about paying her mother rent, she would have found a two bedroom apartment for them while they are waiting for your mother to buy a house. She's on a good salary but is happy for you to dip into savings to cover everything. That is absolute bullsh!t.

I normally don't write such long posts but I am furious with your sister on your behalf and I really hope that you see that you are not the problem here, your sister is. She is taking the absolute p!ss. Most people would be mortified that they were sleeping in their sister's bed, while her and her partner only had the couch. I imagine this is because of your mother's disability but while it's ok for her, it's not ok for an able bodied working adult to do this.

I will say again that you are not horrible. There are plenty of people who would be fed up with their mother living with them but you have made it clear that's not an issue and fair play to you. You are willing to stand by your mother while she gets her life in order which is admirable. Please stop enabling your sister and kick her out politely tell her that the apartment is too cramped with 4 people and she has to leave.

Be assertive and strong. You are not doing anything wrong/being horrible. She is the horrible one. Don't feel guilty. She doesn't feel guilt about how she is behaving and the effect it has on you. If she kicks off then don't let it get to you. Remind yourself that her reaction is affirmation that she really doesn't have any respect for all you've done for her over the past year. You have to do what's best for you, your boyfriend and mother and hopefully someday she'll grow up and see that.

It can be tough with family but remember that at this stage, you owe your sister nothing, while she owes you a massive apology. Good luck

Teyla Emmagan

Paddy Cow wrote:

Her idea of waiting until your mother has bought a house and then she'll rent a room is insidious. She'll move into your mother's house and not pay a penny's rent, let your mother continue to be her maid and when your mother dies, she will feel entitled to a house she has never contributed to. Your mother found the strength to leave her abusive partner. Please don't consign her to living with an abusive daughter.

This is very true actually. Your sister in is also abusing your mother.