A personality disorder has shaped my entire life. Am I screwed?

LegacyUser

I don't even know where to start here. I suffer from an anxious personality disorder known as avoidant personality disorder. Essentially, I avoid interacting with others out of fear of rejection or negative evaluation, even though I have a strong desire to be close to other people. The most frustrating thing about this disorder is how it has shaped my entire life and left me lonely, isolated, and lost:

I'm 26 and I still live at home with my parents. I've only lived away from home when I've traveled for extended periods, which I've done for 3-6 months each year since 2015. Most other people my age have a lot of experience of living away from home and they probably live away from home permanently by now.

When I travel, life isn't any different than it is at home except that I am in another country. I still avoid interacting with people unless I'm drinking. I have a girlfriend who lives abroad and I interact with her, and sometimes I chat with her friends (especially when I'm drunk and thus less inhibited), but that's about it. I only ever socialize to the bare minimum required to not seem rude. I always say hello and smile at people I know but I never ask how they are for fear of going red when the conversation deepens.

I chose to work as a freelance writer because it means I don't have to interact with people regularly face to face, and thus the fear of embarrassing myself in front of others doesn't exist. I have a college degree in something completely unrelated to writing but I quit working in that field after a year because I couldn't face the constant fear of rejection, blushing, and embarrassment when working in an office.

I actually have a really good personality once I can get comfortable with people and realize that they are not excessively judging me, but I rarely, if ever, get to this stage. As a result, I experience a kind of self-imposed social isolation. I want to join clubs, sports teams, classes etc but I can't bring myself to do it. I want to be chatty and happy and stuff, but I lock my personality away from the world.

I somehow have a couple of friends, but the friendships mostly revolve around drinking. I quit drinking alcohol in the last few months because I was dependant on it to socialize. Now that I've given up the booze, it has become evident how unsociable I am outside of drinking.

Just from this post alone, you can see how my personality disorder has shaped my career and my social life. At 26, I feel like my life is pretty much over and that I'll never get back the years spent hiding from the world, especially the years from 24-26 in which this disorder has become most evident.

I look on social media and everyone is out there having a great time attending concerts, getting drunk in big groups, and attending parties. Yet I just keep to myself and the few people on earth I'm comfortable with. I know that time is running out for me but I don't think I can do anything about this disorder.

Am I screwed? Does anyone have a perspective that is probably more balanced than my own negative account of my life? I feel like the only one who has these kinds of problems. Everyone else seems sociable and happy all the time. Thank you to anyone whon replies.

jsms88

Wow. A lot of what you've written could have been about me. I'm 28 and I've always been the same in terms of not being good with people I don't know. I go silent and let my girlfriend do the talking out of fear that I'll make a fool of myself. It was worse when I was younger. I have improved in recent years but it's still a problem.

Your life isn't over. In fact, you're not in a terrible position. Lots of people end up working in an area different to what they actually trained for, although I understand that doing so to avoid people is a problem. You have a girlfriend, which lots of the so-called chatty and lively lads that you probably look up to don't and would love. You also have a few friends, which I don't to be honest... Lots of acquaintances but no friends. I stress out sometimes when I think about marriage cos finding a wife is easy but the whole best man thing will be a nightmare.... and I don't have a brother.

I have no advice for you really but you're definitely not alone.

Nichololas

You're not alone, and you're not too late to change how you approach life.
Plenty of people regret how they spent their 20s (and later), whether it's through booze, drugs, wrong career choice, depression or just plain apathy. Recognizing that you don't like how things are and wanting to change is an important step, one that many never fully address and just skate on keeping the head down and hope things will get better. You've already taken a pretty big step in quitting alcohol (a lot of people simply cannot do this), and I'm guessing you've been through some kind of therapy or counseling since you've been diagnosed with APD (I'm assuming here it wasn't an internet personality test that told you this). All this actually puts you at an advantage, since you know roughly the areas (if not the exact steps yet) you want to work on.

I know the feeling of "the constant fear of rejection, blushing, and embarrassment" is an emotional response not a rational one, and therefore you can't 'outthink' it. However, sometimes it's worth remembering that the vast majority of people simply do not give a **** about you. I don't mean in a negative way, just that they're either wrapped up in their own anxieties; they don't have the energy to think too long about it; they're not really paying attention and are just oblivious to what's going on inside you. There's quite a lot of freedom to be found once this feeling gets into you. Of the remaining few who both notice your struggle and give a **** enough to say something, it's almost always positive and they can empathize because they deal with something similar and recognize the symptoms. Then there are the bastards, but I won't bother with them.

You said you wanted to join sports clubs, which is another really good sign. Physical activities in general are pretty good at regulating anxiety (it hasn't cured mine, but it helps keep it down). If you're willing to actually give sports a go then that's one less barrier to overcome. Your problem is just getting your foot in the door (and staying there), so here's some words on that; people in sports clubs are just happy to have someone else to play with, and overlook pretty much everything else about you if you're willing to show up each week and try. You don't have to be funny or witty or say a goddamn thing but if you keep showing up then you're grand. Again, there are some cultures in dressing rooms that attract assholes, but you get better at spotting them and can just leave if it reaches a tipping point. My advice to you is to get some specific counseling or CBT or whatever (hypnosis?) to get you over the initial panic of joining a sports club and sticking with it for a few months. I can't guarantee that it'll fix everything, but even if it's not for you or whatever it's still baby steps in the right direction.

Ehh and avoid social media. I only put up holiday photos of my ripped, bronzed body lounging on the beach and I'm an anxious mess like 5/7 days of the week, so what does that tell you?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I would be / would have been somewhat similar to yourself.

I suffered from bad social anxiety probably from about 15 to about 24 / 25.

I avoided parties. I avoided walking up the town on my own. I avoided dates.

I drank a lot to get through the awkwardness.

I worked in an office and I moved to different companies but was always dying of embarrassment ... presentations were me, red, sweating and doing that high pitched almost crying / talking... Jaysus...



1. Did you self diagnose or did you go to a therapist?

2. Alcohol - if a couple of pints are the crutch you need to engage with others, then commit to just having a couple of pints to loosen up for that Dutch Courage. There's no point being a martyr and further isolating yourself. I'm not saying get drunk but do get out there.

3. Get a book called The Feeling Good Handbook - plenty of practical tests and exercises and interesting reading to help you to stop beating yourself up.

4. "EVerybody else is ........" . Some other people might be, some people are and some people aren't "attending concerts, getting drunk in big groups, and attending parties." Social media isn't the truth.

I unfollowed everyone on Facebook. I'm still friends with them but I don't see their feeds on my page. Try it. It's great. I even unfollowed my wife.

5. Are you talking to a professional about things?

6. Everyone else isn't sociable and happy. That's not real life either.
If that was the case, people wouldn't have their heads in their phones constantly.
Some people are very sociable and genuine, some people are very sociable and just talk a load of ****. There are a lot of shy people out there and there are loads of people who sit somewhere on that scale.

And a lot of times its situation dependent - they're sociable with old friends / family but not great with new people. Or they're great talking to new people and not great with work people...

Have a read of The Road Less Travelled as well... it will give you great insight into other people.

7. Big Groups - **** me.... I hate big groups. Big groups really suck. Once you go over a group of five or six, you can't have a decent conversation. There will be more people you actively dislike and when people start sleeping together, it implodes .




How did I change? I put myself in a situation that I would have totally avoided at all costs and went travelling on my own. I was running away from the office environment and throwing myself into the terrifying unknown.

My first week I spent in a state of mild panic and I spoke with no one. Week 2 I went to a pub and sat on my own at a table outside. I didn't meet anyone. Second night I sat at the bar and read my book. The third night I did the same but some guy asked me about the book and I started talking with him. I was 24 and it was probably the first proper conversation I'd had with another adult (he was early 50s) where I felt "oh, this guy thinks I'm an adult too and is interested in what I have to say".

It went from there.... I returned and worked for a while and a few years later decided I travelled for another year. I guess meeting all the people I did cleared a few things up.

Just because someone is confident and outgoing, doesn't make them interesting or worth making friends with.... I met so many eejits travelling who were so vacuous it made me realise that I wasn't so boring after all. There are the guys who just talk nonsense... the people who talk at you just to hear themselves and then the absolute fools I could go on.

*********

I realised the types of people I liked and whose company I enjoyed.

I came to realise my strengths - sense of humour, wide range of interests - and it all of this led me to realise that I was happy if people didn't like me for me. It was refreshing rather than devastating to hear that X didn't like me because I was X, Y or Z....

I realised that I would't get on with everyone. I made an effort with everyone but rather than plugging away with those who I knew I wouldn't build rapport with, I would be polite and leave it at that. I would make more of an effort with those who I felt I had more in common with; humour, conversation, similar outlook on life.

When I returned I set up a little business and started some hobbies something I never thought were important. I was still scary going into a new group of people initially but through those hobbies I could enjoy life more, make friends, acquaintances and that really helped.

10 years later (so we're talking 20 years since I went travelling) and I'm married, have worked for myself, have worked for others and am presently looking for a job.

Finding a job you really love makes such a difference to your confidence. Being confident in your abilities makes that all the more easy.


Hope some of that was helpful.

DoozerT6

Can't help but notice the similarities between this post and an article in yesterday's Daily Mail. Relevant bit copied below. Maybe the OP and those taking the time to comment should read it. Link to the whole article is below the text.

---

LONELY BUT LONGS FOR COMPANY
Nervy and anxious people can often be misdiagnosed with an anxiety disorder when in fact their anxiety is part of a bigger issue to do with a personality disorder.
The group of personality disorders characterised by anxiety and fearfulness can be very debilitating and isolating. And there can be a real sadness — for instance, one of the disorders in this group, avoidant personality disorder, is strongly associated with neglect or rejection in childhood: those affected sometimes describe being disliked by one parent. The following are characteristics of this disorder:
Do they:
Avoid work or social activities which involve being with others?
Expect disapproval and criticism and are very sensitive to it?
Worry constantly about being ‘found out’ and rejected?
Feel insecure or inferior?
Worry about being ridiculed or shamed by others?
Avoid relationships, friendships and intimacy because they fear rejection?
Feel lonely and isolated?
Avoid trying new activities in case they embarrass themselves?
Feel a desperate need to be liked and accepted?
People like this will often be bowed down with feelings of inferiority, and their main coping strategy is avoidance. They also struggle in social situations.
Yet, despite this, they will feel lonely and long for company. They are self-critical and have a strong fear of being rejected, embarrassed or humiliated in social settings.
As a result, they often choose jobs where they can work alone.


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-4683390/Do-live-work-narcissist.html#ixzz4mdj3IoaA
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

Wanderer2010

OP, how did you meet and get a girlfriend if you have avoidant personality disorder? No offense, but your condition is not consistent with you having a girlfriend, something doesn't add up in your post.

Creol1

Many people are reluctant to take anti-anxiety medications (tranquillisers), because they can be addictive, but if it is something that you feel is ruining your life, you may want to look into it, if you haven't already, and discuss it with a professional.

Faith

How did you get the diagnosis, OP?

Ruby31

DoozerT6 wrote: »

Can't help but notice the similarities between this post and an article in yesterday's Daily Mail. Relevant bit copied below. Maybe the OP and those taking the time to comment should read it. Link to the whole article is below the text.

---

LONELY BUT LONGS FOR COMPANY
Nervy and anxious people can often be misdiagnosed with an anxiety disorder when in fact their anxiety is part of a bigger issue to do with a personality disorder.
The group of personality disorders characterised by anxiety and fearfulness can be very debilitating and isolating. And there can be a real sadness — for instance, one of the disorders in this group, avoidant personality disorder, is strongly associated with neglect or rejection in childhood: those affected sometimes describe being disliked by one parent. The following are characteristics of this disorder:
Do they:
Avoid work or social activities which involve being with others?
Expect disapproval and criticism and are very sensitive to it?
Worry constantly about being ‘found out’ and rejected?
Feel insecure or inferior?
Worry about being ridiculed or shamed by others?
Avoid relationships, friendships and intimacy because they fear rejection?
Feel lonely and isolated?
Avoid trying new activities in case they embarrass themselves?
Feel a desperate need to be liked and accepted?
People like this will often be bowed down with feelings of inferiority, and their main coping strategy is avoidance. They also struggle in social situations.
Yet, despite this, they will feel lonely and long for company. They are self-critical and have a strong fear of being rejected, embarrassed or humiliated in social settings.
As a result, they often choose jobs where they can work alone.


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-4683390/Do-live-work-narcissist.html#ixzz4mdj3IoaA
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

If I had read this article the other day, I would've posted here too! I cannot believe there's an actual name for what I have and I'm so glad the OP posted because it's as if a weight's been lifted off my shoulders. I've been planning for absolutely ages to visit my GP to discuss my social anxiety, but I keep putting it off. I am terrified of speaking out about all of what the OP described. It's ridiculous really, but I'm afraid the GP will judge me! I knew it wasn't just straight-forward social anxiety that I had, but never came across a description that fitted me 100%. There's actually another thread from approx. 9 years ago that I found last night on Boards and someone also mentions day-dreaming. Again, this hit home straight away. I didn't reach my potential in school and college because I literally day-dreamed through each class. If there was a test coming up, I would have to sit at home with the text-book and learn everything I was supposed to have learned in the classroom.

I read this thread very late last night when I couldn't sleep because I was feeling worried about a few events that are coming up soon. It's given me the boost I need to make that appointment and get myself sorted. My social circle is getting smaller and smaller because I keep cancelling on friends. I also dread meeting friends one-on-one and am much more at ease when there's one or two 'buffer-friends' there!

Ruby31

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

OP, how did you meet and get a girlfriend if you have avoidant personality disorder? No offense, but your condition is not consistent with you having a girlfriend, something doesn't add up in your post.

I'm married with kids. I met my husband 15 years ago in a pub of course. It was all very easy because I had drink on me to give me confidence which is the story of my life. I drank before interviews, I drank before meeting anyone I wasn't 100% comfortable with, I drank at home before every social event. It's an absolute curse. I feel so lucky to have met my husband as he's one person who just never seemed to notice my weirdness.

I'm only guessing, but maybe the OP met his girlfriend online. I do everything online these days! Rather than pick up the phone, or speak to someone face-to-face, I email them!

Ruby31

jsms88 wrote: »

Wow. A lot of what you've written could have been about me. I'm 28 and I've always been the same in terms of not being good with people I don't know. I go silent and let my girlfriend do the talking out of fear that I'll make a fool of myself. It was worse when I was younger. I have improved in recent years but it's still a problem.

Your life isn't over. In fact, you're not in a terrible position. Lots of people end up working in an area different to what they actually trained for, although I understand that doing so to avoid people is a problem. You have a girlfriend, which lots of the so-called chatty and lively lads that you probably look up to don't and would love. You also have a few friends, which I don't to be honest... Lots of acquaintances but no friends. I stress out sometimes when I think about marriage cos finding a wife is easy but the whole best man thing will be a nightmare.... and I don't have a brother.

I have no advice for you really but you're definitely not alone.

I got married a couple of years ago. It was just immediate family and we had no speeches whatsoever. It's your wedding day. Do as you please!