Leading A Guy on Perhaps....

LegacyUser

I am 24 and a virgin. I have been snapchatting a guy who I have never met but we have mutual friends occassionally for a number of months. I was told by one of my mutual friends that said guy has a great personality but is, for lack of a better term, a "fúckboy" in that he treats girls he gets with like shít. It is actually for that reason I've continued to snapchat him-I do not find this guy physically attractive, from what I gather our personalities are pretty different and we would probably clash. Since he is a "fúckboy" I seriously doubt he wants anything beyond sex and hence I've been toiling with the idea of meeting him and just getting it done and over with-I mean I'm almost 25 its about time I got this done and over with? I am sort of leading this guy on I suppose by replying to his messages and not too sure if I should meet him or not, he has asked me if Im single so I do know he is sort of interested in that regard. I get a fair few drunken messages at 4 am in the morning asking if I'm awake, or if he can come over, I generally dont respond to those, but now I'm just starting to think fúck it.

Anyone have any thoughts?

kylith

Don't have sex with someone just for the sake of it. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin in your 20s, plenty of people are, even if they won't admit it.

On top of that, since you don't find him attractive physically or mentally it would probably make your first time terribly awkward.

Xterminator

Hi OP

this is a person you would not particularly like to have a relationship with, because he treat women badly. and you are not attracted to him.
yet you are contemplating an intimate act with him despite the fact he is not a nice guy just to get the deed done, as it were.

surely it should be a nice guy that you choose?

i mean leave aside any emotional entanglements for a moment, wouldn't you like to do it with someone who is not a d1ck? someone who wont gossip or have some kind of hold over you? someone you are comfortable with and at least slightly attracted to?

If you go ahead, it sounds like a recipe for a disastrous 1st attempt to me.

Teyla Emmagan

You don't have to wait for the perfect man, or for someone you love, or for the ideal relationship. But at least when you have sex for the first time make sure it's with someone you like!!! It will only be awful otherwise and you will just regret it. Find someone you can laugh with who will at least be nice to you, before, during or after. There is no need to be in such a rush. This is not the guy.

blue note

There's nothing wrong with being a virgin. But if you do want to lose it out of curiosity, or because it's becoming "a thing" for you, then that's okay too. But this doesn't sound like the guy to lose it to. Have you any friends you'd be confident it wouldn't complicate the relationship with? Might be a more enjoyable first time.

jsms88

It seems to me that your whole dilemma arises from the false notion you have that being a virgin at 24 is not acceptable and it's a label that you just need to lose irrespective of the means.

Nowadays in the world of social media and all that we are made to believe that young people and even teenagers are at it every night of the week. In most cases, this is not true.

I was around 24 or 25 when I lost mine. Wait for someone better and more deserving.

LegacyUser

Hey guys
Thanks for the replies!
Ah yes the dreaded firts time-well my reasoning was sure the first time is horrendous and awkward for everyone, of my friends who have told me about their first time they all have reproduced horror stories so Ive just assumed theres no way of actually making it enjoyable

And my plan is to not really see this guy again so surely it would be better to go through this pretty crap deed with someone I dont care about and eventually if I meet someone I like it wont be as embarassing or awkward or as uncomfortable with them.

Also I left this out earlier but I am actually diagnosed with social anxiety, and I have no male friends, no guy up until now has actually shown any interest so I guess I have it in my head that it will be another 10 years before I get the opportunity to do the do again :P

I dont really believe in this whole special first time mullarkey, Ive heard my friends joke and mock people over the whole virginity thing so it just fees like a curse at this stage....."be gentle" or "I thought you liked me, that I was special" jokes, and mocking flatmates O.N.S hookups who turned out to be virgins....

Blehhhhh.
Anyways thank you all for your replies, I'll definitely reconsider!

Big Bag of Chips

My first time with my college bf wasn't horrendous! It obviously wasn't brilliant, because we were but virgins, but it wasn't horrendous, and we got better at it over time!!

I just think if you suffer from anxiety, and you know for a fact that this fella tends to treat his "conquests" like sh*t afterwards, than you are really setting yourself up for a fall. What if he laughs at "the state of you" with a few of his friends afterwards. If the stories are to be believed​ he's a bit of a lad, with plenty of experience. If you don't "perform" he's unlikely to be delicate about it.

I just think if you've waited this long, what's another while. Nobody knows or cares you're a virgin, except you. You losing your virginity is going to mean nothing to anybody else, except you. Of course, if you want to put yourself out there to be used and treated like crap, then go for it, at least you know what you're getting. But having that being your first and only experience isn't necessarily going to make your second experience any easier. It might even make you more anxious or unlikely to put yourself through the ordeal again.

The first time is unlikely to be a beautiful experience with rose petals scattered on the bed (although, you never know!) but deliberately putting yourself at the mercy of someone who you know has no time for you other than to get his bit doesn't sound like a better prospect!

leggo

I remember when I was a virgin and my mates were too and this was the kind of thing that you'd think about "just get it over and done with so it's done"...so what you're feeling is totally natural OP. But it's also not a great idea with what you know to be true, as people have pointed out there are loads of negatives that can come afterwards having not read the signs. I agree that it doesn't have to be special (my first time is more hilarious than special/perfect and I wouldn't change that if I could), but ideally you don't want it to backfire and regret it either and the warning signs are there. If it did backfire, you wouldn't be a virgin anymore but you'd still have to carry on with life and the consequences of it backfiring.

Why don't you take the experience of chatting with this guy and put it to use by getting on dating apps and see how you fare. You could even do something like going on a bunch of dates with guys you chat to then go home with one you like after a second date or whatever (edit the idea to suit your own personal standards).

That way at least it's with someone you like and have a couple of decent nights with first rather than this empty, hollow experience that I guarantee a 4am booty call would be for you. I've done the empty, hollow experiences too and you just kinda hate yourself for a while after them for short-term gratification. You never forget your first time, so best not have it be something you really want to forget.

Austria!

WShade72 wrote: »

Also I left this out earlier but I am actually diagnosed with social anxiety, and I have no male friends, no guy up until now has actually shown any interest so I guess I have it in my head that it will be another 10 years before I get the opportunity to do the do again :P

It's not a huge deal either way. If it's concerning you at all you should just get it over and done with. And despite what you think, a vast majority of single men will be up for a no strings encounter, lots of them very attractive. It's a rarely used perk of being a woman.

Paddy Cow

WShade72 wrote: »

And my plan is to not really see this guy again so surely it would be better to go through this pretty crap deed with someone I dont care about and eventually if I meet someone I like it wont be as embarassing or awkward or as uncomfortable with them.

Also I left this out earlier but I am actually diagnosed with social anxiety, and I have no male friends, no guy up until now has actually shown any interest so I guess I have it in my head that it will be another 10 years before I get the opportunity to do the do again :P

Don't do it. When it comes to sex, guys and girls are very different. A guy gets horny and to put it crudely, just wants his hole and will find it very easy to do the physical deed, cum and enjoy it. For women it's very different. Lots of foreplay is needed to lubricate things down below. The first time can be painful as the hymen is broken. If you just do it with this guy, it could end up being a painful, empty experience that worsens your anxiety and makes it harder for you to do it again.

I think you would be better off dealing with your anxiety first. Get your mental health in order and I guarantee that you will start to make more male friends and become comfortable around them. There are plenty of guys out there who are interested in more than just a woman's vagina. You are probably not going to marry and live happily ever after with the first guy you have sex with but that doesn't mean that you should just do it with the first ar$ehole to give you a bit of attention.

You will be more relaxed with someone you have made a genuine connection with. Most non-virgins don't have sex on the first date. It's normal to wait a month/two/more until both parties are comfortable with each other. You are not leading this guy on. All the both of you are doing is snapchatting each other. Has he made his intentions clear to you? It's up to you but only you can decide if you are looking for a relationship or someone to "get it over and done with".

mellowbeard

OP I think you have already made up your mind on this. If you feel you want to do this, then go for it. I was in a similar mind frame when I lost my virginity- just wanted it over and done with. While I wouldn't recommend this strategy, losing it with someone I didn't really care about meant I didn't mind being bad at it. I also had more confidence the next time I had sex- with someone I liked and cared about.

However, if you have anxiety issue, doing this might negatively affect your mental health. I did suffer emotionally after my first time, especially on drunken nights.

It's not a decision anyone else can make for you, you have to think about what losing your virginity means to you. Do whatever makes you happy.

Dial Hard

Paddy Cow wrote:

Don't do it. When it comes to sex, guys and girls are very different. A guy gets horny and to put it crudely, just wants his hole and will find it very easy to do the physical deed, cum and enjoy it. For women it's very different. Lots of foreplay is needed to lubricate things down below. The first time can be painful as the hymen is broken. If you just do it with this guy, it could end up being a painful, empty experience that worsens your anxiety and makes it harder for you to do it again.

Christ on a bike, so much generalisation and misinformation here.

Plenty of women can and do have emotionless sex. Plenty of men have no interest in sex for sex's sake.

Not all women need loads of foreplay. Some of the best sex I've ever had has been of the hard & fast quickie variety.

And lastly, it's *extremely* rare for a Western woman past her teens to have an intact hymen these days. Most girls' has disintegrated before they even use a tampon for the first time, let alone have sex.

OP, for what it's worth, I've never been of the opinion that virginity is this massive "gift" that you should only bestow on the perfect person. However, I do think your thought process here is misguided and you will end up regretting sleeping with this particular guy if you go through with it.

Paddy Cow

Plenty of women do have vigorous sex/sex without foreplay but would you really recommend it for a first time?

Teyla Emmagan

Dial Hard wrote:

And lastly, it's *extremely* rare for a Western woman past her teens to have an intact hymen these days. Most girls' has disintegrated before they even use a tampon for the first time, let alone have sex.

Rubbish. Even with tampons it's nothing like "extremely rare" to still have your hymen when you first have sex. Why would it be? It's not like our bodies are evolving that quickly. From personal experience you can definitely still have it at the OP's age.

Dial Hard

Teyla Emmagan wrote:

Rubbish. Even with tampons it's nothing like "extremely rare" to still have your hymen when you first have sex. Why would it be?

Because anything from cycling a bike to riding a horse to inserting a tampon can break it.

Teyla Emmagan wrote:

It's not like our bodies are evolving that quickly.

I'm not really sure what you think evolution has to do with it???

Teyla Emmagan wrote:

From personal experience you can definitely still have it at the OP's age.

I never said you couldn't, I said it's rare, and it is. I'll come back with stats later if that's not dragging things too far off topic (on the app now so can't post links). My point was in answer to Paddy Cow's assertion that every woman's hymen is intact when they lose their virginity, automatically making it painful. That very simply isn't a universal fact.

Teyla Emmagan

Dial Hard wrote:

Because anything from cycling a bike to riding a horse to inserting a tampon can break it.

Dial Hard wrote:

I'm not really sure what you think evolution has to do with it???

You said "these days" as if disappearing hymens was a new and modern phenomenon. Girls have been riding bikes and using tampons for a very long time now, there aren't suddenly far fewer hymens in the adult virgin population than there was 50 or 100 years ago.

Paddy Cow

Dial Hard wrote: »

My point was in answer to Paddy Cow's assertion that every woman's hymen is intact when they lose their virginity, automatically making it painful. That very simply isn't a universal fact.

I wasn't stating anything as absolute fact. Losing your virginity can be painful, even if the hymen isn't intact. I wasn't writing a scientific thesis on women and sex. I was giving my advice to the op which is that I don't think she should have sex for the first time with someone who is known to be an ar$ehole towards women as it might not be a pleasant experience.

A tampon is much smaller than a penis. I know myself that when my flow is light and I've had to use a super tampon because i've had nothing else on hand, even inserting that can be uncomfortable. Biologically, the vagina needs to be open and wet for the penis to enter. That is a universal fact. An experienced woman can get turned on easily so foreplay isn't an issue. An inexperienced woman with someone who potentially just wants to jam it in there may have a painful experience.

I think the op would be better waiting for someone that she would be relaxed with so that things down there also relax, making for a more pleasant experience. The op also has anxiety which is why I would advise against doing it with someone who may not treat her well and make her anxiety worse.

Zen65

kylith wrote: »

Don't have sex with someone just for the sake of it.

This + 1,000%

What kylith says is totally on-the-button. There is nothing special about virginity, either in having it or losing it. Rushing into an awkward sexual encounter with somebody you don't like, or even respect, just to tick that scorecard is not a wise move really.