How to help partner who works from home and can't switch off

Noodle1

Professor Moriarty wrote: »

Assert yourself. You are an equal partner in this relationship. Just because he is the hunter gatherer doesn't endow him with extra authority. His behaviour will change when you stop enabling it. If I have someone waiting on me hand and foot, why would I want the status quo changed?

You really need to realise that if things continue as they are, your relationship will corrode from the inside. Assertion doesn't mean aggression or attack. It simply means making sure that your concerns and needs are heard, understood and met.

Thanks so much for all of the advice. You make total sense, really appreciate. I'm going to really try to work at it next week and just do my own thing if he won't join us. You're so right.

Noodle1

amtc wrote: »

I have two married friends who both work from their home in separate offices. For different companies but in same field. Due to need to pick up children she works 8 till 4, then goes to prepare dinner. He works till 5.30 then goes out in the car and comes home at 6 having had some time to himself, and they have dinner together. Then he takes over children till bedtime (she's studying or goes out) and when the two children are in bed they have couple time.

Now it all sounds a bit contrived to me but the husband said the commute from his previous office to home allowed him to get his mind into home mode. So he invented an artificial one. Problem solved.

Works for them.

They both get a break so. Except that I could think of better things to do with 30 mins that go out in the car hahaha. But I see the point. If I could get my fella to commit to a finish time that kindof setup would suit me so well. Just to know that there's a time in the day, even if only a few mins that there's a break from the house and the chaos

nikkibikki

When you say he has to see you very pissed off in order for him to come down for his dinner, does he not want to eat a meal with his family? He should want to. Now I remember my husband used to work close by and said as much as he loved seeing us all at lunch time, he found it so hard leaving to go back to work. So maybe it's something like that.

Having the required breaks make you more productive IMO. The brain gets to switch off and rest and then goes back to work refreshed. His colleagues will respect him more if he takes his breaks too. And if he stands up for himself and says he doesn't have time to do their work too.

And to the Dad of twins there, fair play to ya! Made the dinner every day! Our twins are 4 and their older brother is 9. Dinner made every day would've been an absolute god send for the first year, esp with an arthritis diagnosis thrown in like I had. We ate a lot of take aways unfortunately. But hubby did help in other ways despite working in a job he hated for 10 hours a day.

the_syco

Noodle1 wrote: »

We were delighted when he found out that he could work from home full time and it meant no commute time.

No commute time? Although there's no commute time in the morning, tell him there may as well be in the evenings, as you don't know when he'll be finished.

Noodle1 wrote: »

Sluggish starts as he often starts work straight after getting out of bed and comes back to the kitchen for breakfast later. He has a decent office in the house. Lunches are hit and miss, more regularly they're a rush now, few minutes then back into the room. He gets really stuck in then and so finishing times are more often than not a disaster, it's getting later.

Does he just wander into office wearing whatever? There doesn't seem to be a clear separation between his work and home life, and thus he in his head he's at home, but in reality he's at work.

Noodle1 wrote: »

I could only do a part-time job now which would be perfect. But he doesn't want me to go back to anything that isn't a professional job as it wouldn't pay me. We live in a rural area now so part--time professional jobs don't exist here.

Noodle1 wrote: »

He would always say that it was important that he had a clear head for work and so his job was bringing in the money, mine was looking after the kids.

Do you have much outside social interaction/social life?

Noodle1 wrote: »

There are lots of sililarities with my other half and his Dad, I try to ignore those! Mentioned on time in a discussion how he was like his Dad and he got very upset about it so don't say anything now.

Ask him why does he get upset when you compare him to his father? Could it be that he resents his father for not being around as much as he would've liked when he was younger?

Noodle1

the_syco wrote: »

No commute time? Although there's no commute time in the morning, tell him there may as well be in the evenings, as you don't know when he'll be finished.


Does he just wander into office wearing whatever? There doesn't seem to be a clear separation between his work and home life, and thus he in his head he's at home, but in reality he's at work.



Do you have much outside social interaction/social life?


Ask him why does he get upset when you compare him to his father? Could it be that he resents his father for not being around as much as he would've liked when he was younger?

He wears whatever to the office. Mostly bare feet and shorts. Actually I haven't seen him in shoes during the day in a while!!

And I don't have anything really, can't commit cause I never know when he'll be working late. Chat on the phone in the mornings sometimes but that's about it at the moment.

He doesn't like talking about his father I think cause his father was quite tough to live with. He was pretty intense and the leader of the house. Everybody else had to fall into line, it was a tight ship. All the kids excelled but they never had friends over. Wasn't a carefree household to be honest

Noodle1

nikkibikki wrote: »

When you say he has to see you very pissed off in order for him to come down for his dinner, does he not want to eat a meal with his family? He should want to. Now I remember my husband used to work close by and said as much as he loved seeing us all at lunch time, he found it so hard leaving to go back to work. So maybe it's something like that.

He does love spending time with us once he has switched off completely. He's the best when we're on holidays for example. Or over the Christmas break. In fairness to him he is very good at the weekends too, he just takes a bit of time to wind down. Its mainly just from Sunday eve to Friday night that it's tough. He had started working a bit on Saturday's but he didn't stay at that cause think I was cranky at that so he stopped. Don't want to be the cranky wife all week though. It's just not me 😟

Water John

If he is giving the weekend to family, that's good.
Maybe unfair to point out but, many people leave on Sun evening and don't return to the family until Fri evening. Modern family can be though.

I think if you can orchestrate, little changes, that may be what's possible.
Doing something yourself Wed evening for example. Break the week.

Noodle1

Water John wrote: »

If he is giving the weekend to family, that's good.
Maybe unfair to point out but, many people leave on Sun evening and don't return to the family until Fri evening. Modern family can be though.

I think if you can orchestrate, little changes, that may be what's possible.
Doing something yourself Wed evening for example. Break the week.

I totally accept that and you're so right. We had this for a long time too. He was getting wind down time in though at least when he was away. Seems that now because he's at work/home all of the time there's no switch in the evenings. He's "on" all week. Was actually easier to an extent when he was away, now he's so close, he's in the same house but just not here with us in the evenings. I can't help but find that so hard. It's only a few yards from the office to the dinner table...even just to make the dinner, not asking for him to commit to anything too time consuming I don't think. But maybe I am expecting too much. I don't know anymore.

enterprise2017

Noodle1 wrote: »

Hi everyone,
We are a couple with 3 kids and I stay at home to look after the kids. My partner has been working at home full time for the past 8 months. He is a very hardworking man, very driven and is lucky that he enjoys what he does (software stuff!). He has a very busy job working for a global company. We were delighted when he found out that he could work from home full time and it meant no commute time. Little by little he is working more. Sluggish starts as he often starts work straight after getting out of bed and comes back to the kitchen for breakfast later. He has a decent office in the house. Lunches are hit and miss, more regularly they're a rush now, few minutes then back into the room. He gets really stuck in then and so finishing times are more often than not a disaster, it's getting later. I have to coax him out of the room everyday for dinner and now it's becoming more regular that he won't make dinner. It's starting to take its toll as I never know what time he'll finish work. I used to work from home a little in a previous job and I found it difficult. I said to him when he started that it would be important to have structure with his hours so that he had a start and an end to each day. He has become snappy recently and says that I don't understand. Maybe I don't. But I don't know how to talk to him about it. When he does come out of the room at the end of the day he is often distant and I can see that he would prefer to be in there at the desk. He is very busy but he is such a hard worker that he takes on work to help others with their work and has become to go-to guy for many people. The result is that he is overloaded and stretched to do his own work. He says he has to do it to keep everybody happy but I find this hard to understand. We get on really well as a couple but this is building resentment in me. When he works long days I'm working long days as our kids are young and I don't stop until they go to bed.
Has anybody any experience of working long term from home and how to get a good balance? Or are there any books to him him to focus on his own work so that his days can be more productive? I don't want to become a nag but I don't like seeing him like this. I also don't like the resentment that I have.
I realize after reading back my post that I'm rambling so apologies. And also that I'm asking two separate questions. How to work well from home? How to focus on the priorities at work and not go down the road of working for the sake of working even if you're doing other people's jobs?

Thanks in advance

1. use sex as a device to chill out your partner,

2. cut the power cord on the PC

3. dress less and he will want to work on you and not the computer

4. If all else fails Divorce!!!

Noodle1

enterprise2017 wrote: »

1. use sex as a device to chill out your partner,

2. cut the power cord on the PC

3. dress less and he will want to work on you and not the computer

4. If all else fails Divorce!!!

Hahahaha that's actually very funny!! Cause probably not for this thread but he's constantly pestering me once he does eventually finish his work!! I'm so wrecked after the long days that I couldn't think of anything worse hahahaha. I am happy that he still finds me attractive though. Maybe I should give him the eye when I'm calling him for dinner )) Thanks actually, that light hearted comment made me laugh )

enterprise2017

Noodle1 wrote: »

Hahahaha that's actually very funny!! Cause probably not for this thread but he's constantly pestering me once he does eventually finish his work!! I'm so wrecked after the long days that I couldn't think of anything worse hahahaha. I am happy that he still finds me attractive though. Maybe I should give him the eye when I'm calling him for dinner )) Thanks actually, that light hearted comment made me laugh )

always leave them laughing I saw. and good god do not put your self down i bet your hot, and if he doesn't know this you should one night when the kids are out serve him a plate of chips and eggs and suggestively say "so want something naughty?"

Take care if the foods hot you could get scalded and also be careful if he chose the eggy chips it ay be time to trade him in. I'd offer but I'm taken

Noodle1

enterprise2017 wrote: »

always leave them laughing I saw. and good god do not put your self down i bet your hot, and if he doesn't know this you should one night when the kids are out serve him a plate of chips and eggs and suggestively say "so want something naughty?"

Take care if the foods hot you could get scalded and also be careful if he chose the eggy chips it ay be time to trade him in. I'd offer but I'm taken

Eggy chips hahahaha. I'd be very depressed if he chose eggy chips over me hahahaha you're gas, laughing away here

enterprise2017

Noodle1 wrote: »

Eggy chips hahahaha. I'd be very depressed if he chose eggy chips over me hahahaha you're gas, laughing away here

LOL they say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, the way to a ladies is a good old fashioned belly laugh hehehe

Tellyium

Such focus on career has to be a joint decision, especially when the kids are young.
It really depends on what your priorities are as a family.
If it's his career, in a wfh environment in software development it can literally consume all of his available time. I do it 2 days a week and, although the easy option is to tap away at it well into the late evening, I make a point of stopping when the kids come home from crèche. If needs be, I'll do an hour or two later when all the chores are done and they're in bed.
If he wants his complete focus to be on work, it has to be a joint decision imo.

December2012

I did something similar for a few years and it was really hard.

What helped was
Getting a cleaner so I had some free time
Trying to socialise with my friends when I could, even if it was play dates
Trying to agree a specific time of week for us (as our situation was a 7 day one).

It is hard to switch from home mode to work mode, but honestly it's up to him to change

Noodle1

December2012 wrote: »

I did something similar for a few years and it was really hard.

What helped was
Getting a cleaner so I had some free time
Trying to socialise with my friends when I could, even if it was play dates
Trying to agree a specific time of week for us (as our situation was a 7 day one).

It is ha

December2012 wrote: »

I did something similar for a few years and it was really hard.

What helped was
Getting a cleaner so I had some free time
Trying to socialise with my friends when I could, even if it was play dates
Trying to agree a specific time of week for us (as our situation was a 7 day one).

I feel that maybe I've been hoping for too much. He is around st the weekend although he does sometimes disappear for a bit back into the room. Or he can get this distant stare for long lengths of time and I know he thinking about work and figuring things out in his head. I've often said to him that I'd prefer him to go in on Sat if he needs to rather than be in his zombie like state! I probably need something else in my life too rather than needing him for adult company. It's so hard being st home all of the time with kids. I used to have s good professional job with lots of friends, a good social life etc. I'm still in my 30's, but sometimes when I see myself in the mirror I just wonder who i am. Here I am bringing up these kids full time. Never get a performance review or a pat on the back, such a thankless never ending job. My other half loves working and I'm like a needy child trying to get him to spend time with us. I do get out with the kids and take them for play dates and meet other mothers but it can be fairly torturous! Lots more kids and everyone talking about kids!! I suppose I find it tough going in general. Then I have all these people who mean well telling me how lucky I am to be "off" all of the time and to be at home. Kills me! Maybe I'm just going crazy hehe

December2012

Are you me, because that's also how I felt?

You need to do things for you too, if the Mammy groups aren't working for you, maybe you could benefit from some different type of activity; like a fitness class or going for drinks with the moms?

Also you could put your own time limit on the situation? So like, in 12 months you're going to upskill or start to look for work, then within 12 months of THAT you'll return to work in some capacity.

Maybe that will help your husband too? You'll both be looking to the future and working together?

Noodle1

December2012 wrote: »

Are you me, because that's also how I felt?

You need to do things for you too, if the Mammy groups aren't working for you, maybe you could benefit from some different type of activity; like a fitness class or going for drinks with the moms?

Also you could put your own time limit on the situation? So like, in 12 months you're going to upskill or start to look for work, then within 12 months of THAT you'll return to work in some capacity.

Maybe that will help your husband too? You'll both be looking to the future and working together?

He doesn't want me to go back to work. Think it's cause it suits him this way. He only has to think about his job and I look after the house and the kids. That way his responsibility is working. I'm starting to think he's using it to his advantage in that he has no responsibility whatsoever for anything outside of his work. He just lives for it. He came down for food this evening and wolfed it down without saying hardly a word to any of us then went straight back to his room. He says he is just so busy but he seems to be doing work for everybody and his sister!!! And this line that he has about how it's for the family is starting to drive me nuts. Because he's not even noticing his family these days. I think it's just an excuse. I went for a walk tonight which was great. When I came back he was just finishing up. I can't help but feel angry at him even though I'm trying so hard to be reasonable and see it from his perspective.
I'd love to go back to work. If I'm honest though I'm afraid of what that would mean for me. I already know from the way our relationship is that I would still have full responsibility for the kids and house. I have friends in that situation and it's not nice. They work just as much as their husbands and yet they still do all the extra duties that surround organizing the kids etc. My husband is an amazing talker. He'd tell me that wouldn't happen and all the right things but in the end it's always the same. Those conversations are quickly forgotten and the bar is moved.

nikkibikki

Families, and kids in particular, need more than just money. They need time, attention and love. The atmosphere can't be good for the kids. Is there room outside to put in a small log cabin or steeltech shed? That could be used as his office and there would be a clear separation there.

If he continues the way he's going, he may not have a wife any more and only be a part time Dad. And he needs to realise that. Is that what he wants?

Noodle1

nikkibikki wrote: »

Families, and kids in particular, need more than just money. They need time, attention and love. The atmosphere can't be good for the kids. Is there room outside to put in a small log cabin or steeltech shed? That could be used as his office and there would be a clear separation there.

If he continues the way he's going, he may not have a wife any more and only be a part time Dad. And he needs to realise that. Is that what he wants?

It's funny you say about the steeltech shed. I priced them recently and suggested to him that it might be a better move as I agree with you, it would be a seperation. He was initially positive enough about the idea, he said if it would make me happy. But I was just hoping that by doing that he wouldn't be popping into the office so much or thinking about work so much. Anyways he has said that at the moment it would be an expense that he thinks is unnecessary. He's happy in the house. Now that I'm talking about it on here I think that again maybe it's suiting him to stay in the house, he doesn't have to admit that he's really working and he can fool himself into thinking that he's spending time with us. Might try to push the shed again, think it's a good idea.
On another note, think he has a warped view of our bills. We are absolutely fine, we are not under pressure with anything and the bills are comfortably paid every month. We don't have loads left over at the end of the month by any means but we have some small savings. So not wanting the get the shed for financial reasons kindof confuses me too. He am be impulsive then with buying at other times. He could go into Harvey Norman and buy a really expensive monitor or laptop that he doesn't need. Or some crazy gadget. It's all just very confusing for me. Don't know what's going on with him.

Deise_vixen

OP I can really feel your frustration and building resentment but I think that it is very positive that you can verbalise it and that you are actively looking for solutions (all be it if your OH isn't). 
I work from home a lot so I know how easy it is to fall into that trap of being always in work mode "I'll just check if that email landed" or "Oooo I must send that message to Bob while I think of it". What happens then is that your colleagues notice how responsive you are and then start to expect that you reply immediately and they can comment on it which at first sounds really positive "God isn't DD great the way they always reply immediately" or "I can really rely on you DD" but then it builds into an expectation as the normal state of play so your husband doesn't want to disappoint and keeps working longer and harder for no added value. Additionally your husbands is probably getting a great validation from this and this may have a huge impact on his self-worth. So he might be frightened of what people think if he does not work the long hours or if he starts to take longer to reply. 
Additionally from your side I get the impression that you really, really need to do something for yourself because you certainly don't seem to get any credit or appreciation within the home for the work that you do. Not being valued for who we are or what we do can have a very negative impact on all of us so I have a couple of suggestions. 
For your husband, start small! Ask him to make a commitment to you, that one day a week he will stop work completely by 6pm and will spend the rest of that evening with the family. Each Sunday night ask him to pick what night that will be so that he is still in control and so that he can communicate this to his colleagues in advance and to ensure that he does not schedule meetings etc for that evening. Agree that he will have until 6.30 to come downstairs after which time you are allowed to switch off the WiFi to force his hand. IF the weather is good use it as an evening to get out for a walk with the kids or even to kick a ball in the garden, just no phones or thousand yard stares. Fill the time with fun for the family. Try this for a month and see how it goes. He might be less anxious if it is planned, you know you have the evening to lok forward too and he might actually find that he enjoys it!! 
For yourself, find something outside the house that does not involve your kids that is just for you. Maybe it's a running club or a book club or night course in September or volunteering with a charity, anything once it involved interaction with adults and something that you can get a sense of achievement from. A couch to 5k for example or even a first aid course, if you are missing being in work try to find an alternative that will bridge a gap and give you a sense of self worth (not suggesting that you don't get that from being a mum and running a busy house but you know!!). 
Hopefully a couple of small changes wouldn't be as big a step as you going back to full time work (just yet) and might help you both out. 

Very best of luck with it x x

Noodle1

Deise_vixen wrote: »

OP I can really feel your frustration and building resentment but I think that it is very positive that you can verbalise it and that you are actively looking for solutions (all be it if your OH isn't). 
I work from home a lot so I know how easy it is to fall into that trap of being always in work mode "I'll just check if that email landed" or "Oooo I must send that message to Bob while I think of it". What happens then is that your colleagues notice how responsive you are and then start to expect that you reply immediately and they can comment on it which at first sounds really positive "God isn't DD great the way they always reply immediately" or "I can really rely on you DD" but then it builds into an expectation as the normal state of play so your husband doesn't want to disappoint and keeps working longer and harder for no added value. Additionally your husbands is probably getting a great validation from this and this may have a huge impact on his self-worth. So he might be frightened of what people think if he does not work the long hours or if he starts to take longer to reply. 
Additionally from your side I get the impression that you really, really need to do something for yourself because you certainly don't seem to get any credit or appreciation within the home for the work that you do. Not being valued for who we are or what we do can have a very negative impact on all of us so I have a couple of suggestions. 
For your husband, start small! Ask him to make a commitment to you, that one day a week he will stop work completely by 6pm and will spend the rest of that evening with the family. Each Sunday night ask him to pick what night that will be so that he is still in control and so that he can communicate this to his colleagues in advance and to ensure that he does not schedule meetings etc for that evening. Agree that he will have until 6.30 to come downstairs after which time you are allowed to switch off the WiFi to force his hand. IF the weather is good use it as an evening to get out for a walk with the kids or even to kick a ball in the garden, just no phones or thousand yard stares. Fill the time with fun for the family. Try this for a month and see how it goes. He might be less anxious if it is planned, you know you have the evening to lok forward too and he might actually find that he enjoys it!! 
For yourself, find something outside the house that does not involve your kids that is just for you. Maybe it's a running club or a book club or night course in September or volunteering with a charity, anything once it involved interaction with adults and something that you can get a sense of achievement from. A couch to 5k for example or even a first aid course, if you are missing being in work try to find an alternative that will bridge a gap and give you a sense of self worth (not suggesting that you don't get that from being a mum and running a busy house but you know!!). 
Hopefully a couple of small changes wouldn't be as big a step as you going back to full time work (just yet) and might help you both out. 

Very best of luck with it x x

Thanks so much, some really great ideas there. You've hit the nail on the head with his attitude to replying to people etc. He does reply to everything as soon as possible. And as you say I think that people have become used to it so much so that they expect it now. So even if he has a busy project on he could spend hours being distracted by people making requests. So no project work done and he becomes stressed then, works later to make up, and it all goes on again. I just can't get through to him on that though, there's absolutely no talking to him. I've tried to organize for us to eat later, to work around him but he still has this "stare". I'd really really rather him not be there than to pretend to be there, just physically there and gone afterwards. After I initially put up this thread and got some good ideas and feedback I talked to him....think maybe it was Sunday. He said if I basically stayed completely out of his way (which I do already, I'm almost tip toeing around at this stage!!) for the entire day and leave his food on a platethen he would agree to at least make it down for kids bedtime and to read the youngest a book or put her to bed (she's very good, takes maybe 20-30 mins) and then he'd go back again if he wanted to and I'd do my own thing. Right I said, that's a good start anyways. Two nights later and he's gone again, I got them all to bed. The frustration!!! Felt like screaming into a pillow!!!!!! So I went for a walk last night after I put them to bed. Just poppped my head into him and said I'd be back soon. I can't win...when I came back he was out of the room and wondering why I had been so long. Not in a bad way just like I wasn't there for company for him. Seriously!!!!!!!!!! I'm too sensitive maybe or just driven to madness at this stage. Madness!!!! Don't know whether to laugh or cry

Diziet

You are not too sensitive. I have been following this thread and not commented as there were plenty of comments already.

You are in a difficult situation (and I appreciate the challenge of working in a demanding role at home, I did it for 5 years). Your husband has it all on a plate, his interesting job and a wife at home that does all the housework and kid-minding and then is company for him if and when he finishes work.

You do have to do your own thing, including possibly talking to a trained relationship counsellor (even if this is on your own). You cannot really change his behaviour. But you can take control of your own actions and do whatever it is you think is beneficial to you and your family. Best of luck.

nikkibikki

I agree with the above. He has everything he wants. His needs are met by you. His kids are looked after by you. He wants you to deliver his dinner to him ffs! He'll change but only for a short time because he's doing it to appease you, not because he wants to.

Has he got a few days annual leave to take? Can ye take a little holiday? Loads of hotels around the country have kids club's this time of year, ye might even get to spend some time alone together. And leave the laptop at home. I think, hope even, that a little break will do him and you all the world of good. A refreshing break away. Oh and make sure you get a few spa treatments too!

Noodle1

I think I will go and see someone, it might help me to cope with it. Thanks for the reply. I'd be really interested what you did after the 5 years? How did you make the break back from being at home for that length of time?

Noodle1

nikkibikki wrote: »

I agree with the above. He has everything he wants. His needs are met by you. His kids are looked after by you. He wants you to deliver his dinner to him ffs! He'll change buy only for a short time because he's doing it to appease you, not because he wants to.

Has he got a few days annual leave to take? Can ye take a little holiday? Loads of hotels around the country have kids club's this time of year, he might even get to spend some time alone together. And leave the laptop at home. I think, hope even, that a little break will do him and you all the world of good. A refreshing break away. Oh and make sure you get a few spa treatments too!

That's the thing. We take a holiday every year during the summer. We do the same thing every year, it's a lovely holiday but we go to a campsite so definitely no spa treatments haha. I'd die if anyone saw the state of me on those hols. Short shorts to brown the legs haha and a little tshirt. And that's the dress for the hols. Do all our own cooking as too annoying to eat out with the kids. They're getting older so maybe next year we'll do something fancier! He does relax on the hols although he laptop is coming with is this year so we'll see.in his eyes he has justified the year constantly working by having a holiday in the summer. He is very conscious of time off too, he doesn't get paid if he doesn't work. I actually said to him a few nights ago that I don't want to go on holiday at all if he feels he needs to do this for the rest of the year. I'd happily give up the holiday in exchange for having a happy involved husband who strolls in relaxed after work and chats away to us and has a bit of fun with the kids. This has only all come out since I put up this thread. It has really opened my eyes to what's been happening in our relationship. No going back now, I'm so glad that I've seen this for what it is. I've stopped wiping his brow this week, if you know what I mean. Don't have his lunch organized for what ever time he's ready to eat and just put out the dinner, if he wants to come down he can but I'm not asking. He was upset yesterday, still saying he's doing it for the family and doesn't like to see me unhappy but I am unhappy and it's a relief not to be pretending anymore. I'm hoping he'll see the light. It's really hard for me not to into caring mode again and start doing the old story cause I hate seeing him like this. We were supposed to be getting some work done on the house as it badly needs it but I've told him that I don't want it, that we should cancel it. I don't want him to have any reasons to have to keep working, even if they are unrealistic (the work on the house isn't major and it wouldn't put a strain on the finances. We would borrow for it but it would be comfortable. Have been planning to do it for about 3 years).
Hope I'm doing the right thing.

nikkibikki

He's doing it for his family. But this isn't what his family want. They want HIM! Their father. They need more than just a provider. Does he not get paid for his annual leave? Or is he a sub contractor or something? Maybe a change of job is needed.

ETA: I meant to also say last night when I was replying. He has everything he wants. But what do you have that you want?

listermint

He needs a new job. Work does not need to be like this and no professional company expects it ever.

It ruins staff and can only ever be short term before they are burned out.


This has to stop at some point.

Noodle1

nikkibikki wrote: »

He's doing it for his family. But this isn't what his family want. They want HIM! Their father. They need more than just a provider. Does he not get paid for his annual leave? Or is he a sub contractor or something? Maybe a change of job is needed.

ETA: I meant to also say last night when I was replying. He has everything he wants. But what do you have that you want?

He's a contractor with a contractor mentality! He'll never change from doing that, he loves it as he gets freedom (hilarious eh!!) and the money is good. I don't have what I want. But I don't know what I want anymore either. I want a happy relaxed family mostly. I put everything into the kids so I need something for myself. I miss having a career so I will need to work on that. My youngest will be starting preschool in Sept so in 12 months time I will have more time. I will have to work around the kids though so that will make it a little bit tougher. He won't be available to slot in there at all. Something part time would be fab but doesn't everyone want that! I could do work with my husband, could learn the trade, our backgrounds aren't too far apart. So I could take some of the load from him in the future, would prob take me a year to learn what he does. But nervous of it as I'd be afraid we'd both be in the room all day!!!!!
Think I'm going thorough a massive change in my thinking. It's pretty overwhelming. I have two fine big puffy eyes this morning!!!

irelandrover

Can you do a hobby one or two nights a week. So at 5:30 you walk out the door and he has to stop working to mind the kids and prepare dinner.

It might make him appreciate the time spent with the kids more that he will stop earlier on the other days as well.