Do relationships with big age gaps last?

Sterling Fierce Bag

Sterling Fierce Bag wrote: »

Sorry what. 27 and going out with a 17 year old?

That is how it started yes. She is 28 and I am 38 now.

Permabear

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pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Yep that's all perfectly fine. In fact it's so great I hope when your daughters are that age ye have the pleasure of them getting into similar relationships, sure ye'll be delighted.

40 and 18 isn't an age gap, it's a generation gap.

Sterling Fierce Bag

Sterling Fierce Bag wrote: »

Yep that's all perfectly fine. In fact it's so great I hope when your daughters are that age ye have the pleasure of them getting into similar relationships, sure ye'll be delighted.

Only have one daughter so far and she is 6 so I am not exactly planning her future. To be honest I do not care if she goes out with a limbless lesbian wheel chair fanatic 20 years her senior who suffers from PSTD from being stations in wherever world war 3 turns out to be - so long as she is happy.

My role as a parent is not to select or veto partners for her - but to have her grow up into an emotionally strong - mature - and informed woman who can make such decisions for herself!

In other words when I test the list of criteria for whether I am "delighted" or not - the guy or gals age will probably be way down the list if there at all.

Permabear

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Surreptitious

I misread this as relationship with 'big baps'.

Ann_Landers

suicide_circus wrote: »

Know a guy who is 30 and the missus is 20. They got together 10 years ago and they seem like a solid couple.

Yourself isit wrote: »

?

KERSPLAT! wrote: »

You need to word that better

PandaPoo wrote: »

This was me and my husband when we met. I was 21 and he was 31. We got married a year after we met, to most people's disgust at the speed and the age difference.

4 years later, married and happy as ever.

LeBash wrote: »

Ehhh, he was 20 and she was 10 when they got together or they are now 40 and 30.

I see no problem in age gaps. But the fore would be more than messed up.

I am very bemused at posters simply not getting suicide circus's post. It was so obviously a joke!

Kimbot

Surreptitious wrote: »

I misread this as relationship with 'big baps'.

But we all know they always work out :pac:

Eircom_Sucks

Zaph wrote: »

You know nothing about our relationship so it's not a case of whether you could say anything that I'd accept and more a case of knowing that anything you said would just be you talking out of your arse. Similarly you don't know anything about the circumstances of us getting together, so you're simply making assumptions, and incorrect ones at that. But if that makes you feel good about yourself then who am I to stop you just because I'm actually in possession of the facts?

Must have deep pockets

Pero_Bueno

suicide_circus wrote: »

Know a guy who is 30 and the missus is 20. They got together 10 years ago and they seem like a solid couple.

Ah yeah Ahmed !! sound bloke, I don't know his wifes name as shes always walking around in a binbag

Ann_Landers

Deleted User wrote: »

There is a 10 year gap in my relationship - I have been with her since she was 17 - and she is now 28 and we have started working on her having children. So seems to be lasting so far.

I thought you were in a trouple?

Ann_Landers

Ann_Landers wrote: »

I thought you were in a trouple?

Truple we spell it :P but the older of the two is only a 2 year gap so it did not seem relevant. And a few people get antsy on here if I bring it up when it is not relevant :eek: so I left it out. But yes we are 38-36-28 which - when I write it that way - looks like a I am a multi personality disorder patient giving our measurements.

Pero_Bueno

Permabear wrote: »

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Peoples brains dont stop fully maturing until they are 23/25 someone who is 40 and is sleeping with an 18 year old - its borderline peadophilia.

18 just happens to be the legal line that has been drawn - doesn't make it right though.

Also, let me guess lots of Daddy issues and religious stuff in there too ??

beauf

You mean like Kate Beckinsale.

Pero_Bueno

Pero_Bueno wrote: »

Peoples brains dont stop fully maturing until they are 23/25

I am not sure the brain stops developing at any point in your life really - there is always something going on there. But really a cliche meme like that is very misleading because it does not speak about what the processes are that are going on at the level of the brain at that age. The word "maturing" is just used to create an emotive link to things like childhood.

By all means figure out what is going on in the brain at that age - what "maturing" is still to be done - and asking what relevance the things on that list have to the dating game.

Pero_Bueno wrote: »

someone who is 40 and is sleeping with an 18 year old - its borderline peadophilia.

Oh hardly There is nothing pre-pubsescent about an 18 year old. Hell you would not even be on the mark with Hebephilia. I think the word you are looking for is ephebophilia.

However I would distinguish between people who are attracted to others because of their age - and despite their age. For it to be ephebophilia the person in question would require a primary or exclusive attraction to such teens. A person meeting someone they fall for who is younger in a way that is an exception rather than the rule - would not qualify.

Pero_Bueno

Deleted User wrote: »

I am not sure the brain stops developing at any point in your life really - there is always something going on there. But really a cliche meme like that is very misleading because it does not speak about what the processes are that are going on at the level of the brain at that age. The word "maturing" is just used to create an emotive link to things like childhood.

By all means figure out what is going on in the brain at that age - what "maturing" is still to be done - and asking what relevance the things on that list have to the dating game.



Oh hardly There is nothing pre-pubsescent about an 18 year old. Hell you would not even be on the mark with Hebephilia. I think the word you are looking for is ephebophilia.

However I would distinguish between people who are attracted to others because of their age - and despite their age. For it to be ephebophilia the person in question would require a primary or exclusive attraction to such teens. A person meeting someone they fall for who is younger in a way that is an exception rather than the rule - would not qualify.

Fair enough actually, it was a strong term to use.

Permabear

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beauf

Again what about kate?

http://www.independent.ie/style/celebrity/celebrity-news/kate-beckinsale-43-smitten-with-mature-new-actor-boyfriend-matt-rife-22-35910558.html

Ann_Landers

Permabear wrote: »

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You're reinforcing that poster's point, that legality doesn't excuse it. A North Carolina 16 year old in a relationship with, say, a 35 year old. Do you think most people would be OK with that?

Eircom_Sucks

beauf wrote: »

Again what about kate?

http://www.independent.ie/style/celebrity/celebrity-news/kate-beckinsale-43-smitten-with-mature-new-actor-boyfriend-matt-rife-22-35910558.html

Jammy fooktard

Permabear

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Ann_Landers

Ann_Landers wrote: »

Do you think most people would be OK with that?

I think context is everything in this life and on paper when you give no details _but_ the age of the people involved then a lot more people would not be "ok" with it than often would if they actually met the people.

When my relationship started - the age gap coupled with the whole three people not two people thing - the parents and siblings of the girls were not ok with it at all when they heard. In fact at least one father and one brother of the girls actively wanted me dead for a time.

But as time passed and it became a reality rather than a concept they had been informed of - they very quickly got over it. And in fact even the non-biological grand parents of the kids we have so far consider themselves - and act like - and feel like grand parents every bit as much as the others do. And all the grand parents - be it biological or in name only - are almost as excited as us that the younger of my partners is now essentially actively aiming to become a mammy too.

There are of course going to be creeps and creepy relationships - where the people are into each other not despite what age(s) they are - but because of what ages they are. I think there is a world of difference between "I like him/her a lot - ok they are 10 years my junior but I want to pursue this" and "oh yea - 10 years younger than me - I so want a bit of that!"

Age differences never came into my head when things developed for me. I just got to know them and realised suddenly one day that every path I imagined walking for the rest of my life - I could only envision it with them walking beside me - and the idea of having kids in this world became not just about having kids - but bringing a little more of them into the world too.

Soppy slusshy puke inducing stuff I am sure but it got real fast and age differences never really figured much into it at all.

One of my favourite life memories is of the dad who actively wanted me dead for a time. A real stereotypical old style "mans man" who never really showed emotion. After leaving our house after a dinner we made for all the parents once he turned on the way out the door - grabbed my elbow in a really manly (in other words painfully intense hehe) grip and just said "There is a lot of love in this house" and walked out. We had a three-way jaw drop at that - it was so out of character. But I guess that was his real moment of acceptance and welcoming for us.

Bandana boy

Permabear wrote: »

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Every relationship is different as no two people are the same ,People can only look through the lens of their own experience.
For me at 20 I was quite childish and immature , I didn't believe I was at that time but 20 years later looking at the choices I made I would now asses it differently. I had a partner at 21 who was 10 years older than me who was in a rush to have kids and get married and I almost got caught up in it , I am very glad now I did not as it would have stopped me having many of the experiences I most value in my life.

A 20 year old with 4 kids and a partner 20 years her senior would raise a lot of flags for me , Maybe its all fine and above board and if i knew you both I would feel differently . But those facts on their own I would be very worried about a sister or a friend having this lifestyle.

Lollipops23

I did briefly date a much older guy- I was 25 and he was 41. Honestly we simply had nothing in common, no real shared life experiences etc.

He had nieces and nephews older than me!

Bandana boy

Bandana boy wrote: »

I had a partner at 21 who was 10 years older than me who was in a rush to have kids and get married and I almost got caught up in it , I am very glad now I did not as it would have stopped me having many of the experiences I most value in my life.

It is a shame sometimes we never get to see what our life would be like run a different way. In a parallel universe there is probably another version of you writing something like "I almost did not get caught up on it - as I wanted to have other experiences - but if I had then X would not be true today".

The lens of our own experience is a good way to put it - and often it is a rose tinted lens - and two versions of ourselves who went two entirely opposite ways at a junction in our life would both potentially look back and both be equally glad they made the decision they did.

We will never know But once we are happy being the maker of the choice we did make - thankfully we are not the ones who will never need to!

Ann_Landers

Permabear wrote: »

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I think people baulking at a 16 year old being with a 35 year old or indeed an 18 year old being with 40 year old would be pretty universal around the world, whether a more progressive country or not. Just a hunch, I obviously have no stats on that.

Nothing would be done about it of course if it's legal but then again, people's thoughts also aren't illegal. Put this way, if I had offspring in either of the above scenarios, I wouldn't be pleased and would be forthright about it. And if the offspring was a minor, I would completely forbid it.

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Ann_Landers

....... wrote: »

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And in the West, this is a horrifying concept for many!

....... wrote: »

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Well, nobody is going to spend much time thinking about it unless it's a loved one. The commonplace reaction to the scenarios I've outlined would be "ick" and then getting on with one's days. That's not really investing too much thought into it, is it? Not really approving of it but not really caring either.

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seenitall

....... wrote: »

Really?

Considering that in many countries in the world arranged marriages of older men to younger women are the norm I doubt it.

Why would anyone care at all so long as legal ages of consent were observed?

As Aayan Hirsi Ali (I think it was her) put it: "arranged marriages = arranged rapes". So I don't think that example is exactly a glowing endorsement of happy and healthy relationships with big age gaps (at least not for the children/women concerned). And that is not even going into the fact that the woman being any bit the older spouse is very much frowned upon in many of these societies, presumably so as not to upset the status quo of man being the dominant partner in all conceivable aspects.

witchgirl26

My parents had a large age gap - on their wedding day my mam was 24 and my dad was 40. They were happily together for 33 years until my dad's death so think that was a pretty good relationship. It lasting that long had nothing to do with age gap but like someone else said, being in the same place life-stage wise. My dad was looking to start a family so didn't want casual dating, my mam was the same and they were mad about each other so all good.

As for someone who said about a women in her 60's having to care for an older man. Ok so my mam was in her 50's doing it while my dad was sick but she didn't mind looking after him - she still loved him so it just seemed natural. And to be honest, what my dad died of had nothing to do with age so the roles could have very easily been reversed.

A lot of the time in my early 20's I went out with older men (least 5 years older) as I actually had more in common with them then I did with a lot of guys my own age. I also would argue that at 23 I was definitely an adult - holding down a full time job, studying for a professional qualification at night, dealing with the death of a parent.....all seems like adult stuff to me.

Permabear

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Ann_Landers

....... wrote: »

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Well, they won't spend much time thinking about it but won't approve either. If it's not someone you know, you won't give too much mental space over to it. Where the couple might more run into problems is with people they know. The people they know obviously aren't in the couple but people do care about the approval of people they care about and that's bound to be a strain on a couple.

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Ann_Landers

Permabear wrote: »

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They say that to you, not amongst themselves. What are they going to say? Also, if they expressed strong reservations to you, that is a much tamer version of what they were saying when you were not around.

As I noted earlier, men search on PornHub for "teens" more than any other term. Frequently, these videos show teens with significantly older men. So while people might balk in public at the thought of an 18-year-old with a 40-year-old, it's also what they want to watch when they're in private. So there's a big element of "Do as I say..." about all this.

The only way it would be "Do as I say not as I do" is if the people watching the porn are themselves having sex with teenagers. Porn is just fantasy, many people fantasise about things they wouldn't actually do. And the people watching know that the women involved are likely to be in their 20s in reality.

The parents who kicked her out of home when she got pregnant have given up their right to have a say in the matter, in my view.

Am I am your girlfriend's parents? I said what I would do as a parent.

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mzungu

Ann_Landers wrote: »

Well, they won't spend much time thinking about it but won't approve either. If it's not someone you know, you won't give too much mental space over to it. Where the couple might more run into problems is with people they know. The people they know obviously aren't in the couple but people do care about the approval of people they care about and that's bound to be a strain on a couple.

You have touched on an interesting point there. If people are putting great stock on what their friends/family/work associates will think of their partner, are they then choosing a partner based on the expectations of society? This could be one reason why large age gaps seem to be frowned upon in some circles, they break a kind of taboo that is rarely spoken of. My friend was dating a women nearly 25 years older than him, and they got the same kind of treatment. I know another lad who started going out with a 30 year old when he was 18. In both cases, they just gave the two fingers to what was expected of them from peer groups. I must add, many years on, both couples are still together. They outlived the gossip and innuendo by a large margin. In fact, they beat the gossip and innuendo, nobody even bats an eyelid anymore. Had they decided to go down the route of picking somebody that their friends/family/work mates would approve of, would they be as happy as they are now?

There have been a lot of posts in this thread detailing relationships with large age gaps that have been quite successful. They may not be for everybody, but they sure work very well for some people.

Ann_Landers

....... wrote: »

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I specifically said I had no stats a few posts back. I'm just taking my views from my own observations. Maybe I'm wrong, who knows, who cares?

mzungu wrote: »

You have touched on an interesting point there. If people are putting great stock on what their friends/family/work associates will think of their partner, are they then choosing a partner based on the expectations of society? This could be one reason why large age gaps seem to be frowned upon in some circles, they break a kind of taboo that is rarely spoken of. My friend was dating a women nearly 25 years older than him, and they got the same kind of treatment. I know another lad who started going out with a 30 year old when he was 18. In both cases, they just gave the two fingers to what was expected of them from peer groups. I must add, many years on, both couples are still together. They outlived the gossip and innuendo by a large margin. In fact, they beat the gossip and innuendo, nobody even bats an eyelid anymore.

Well, that's exactly what those couples should do, just get on with it. But we all judge people, every one of us. And I think nobody is immune to caring what people think completely, no matter what fighting talk they come out with.

seenitall

....... wrote: »

I wasnt making any comment on whether or not they were happy and healthy relationships.

I was simply disputing the notion that a young girl with an older man is a universally horrifying concept for many.

No, of course it is not universally horrifying. Just in those cultures that value the personal freedom and choices of women.

But you brought some different cultures into the discussion (which I myself don't find that relevant to this thread), so it doesn't do any harm to remind ourselves that women being much younger spouses, is a function of their overall disempowerment and inequality in some (sadly, too many) parts of the world.

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Bambi985

The porn comparison makes me uncomfortable. Porn is fantasy, what's taboo is fetishised almost as a rule, be it taboo power dynamics ("daddy daughter porn") or skin colour ("hot ebony amateur") or gay midget sex or whatever.

The popularity of the "barely legal" genre isn't a recent thing either, but neither is the popularity of lesbian porn among straight women - doesn't mean every straight woman who watches it is going to ditch her husband/partner and find a female partner though. It just means they enjoy the fantasy of lesbian sex.

The other most popular Pornhub search terms for last year were "stepmom", "MILF" and "ebony"- what do they imply? That all men secretly want to have sex with their close relatives or older women or what?

Permabear

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seenitall

....... wrote: »

I dont believe its horrifying in any cultures.

I think some people (a minority) will be horrified. But I think once the legals are satisfied, most people dont care.

Really? I disagree, I will leave it at that.

Ann_Landers

Permabear wrote: »

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You don't have to care. You've clearly given it some thought though. Everyone cares a little what people think, IMO.

And in the same vein, nobody has to approve of anyone else's relationship.

Permabear wrote: »

Porn is not "just" fantasy.

It absolutely is. The young women having sex with older men in the videos are doing it for work. The people watching it are using it as a visual fantasy.

Bambi985 wrote: »

The porn comparison makes me uncomfortable. Porn is fantasy, what's taboo is fetishised almost as a rule, be it taboo power dynamics ("daddy daughter porn") or skin colour ("hot ebony amateur") or gay midget sex or whatever.

The popularity of the "barely legal" genre isn't a recent thing either, but neither is the popularity of lesbian porn among straight women - doesn't mean every straight woman who watches it is going to ditch her husband/partner and find a female partner though. It just means they enjoy the fantasy of lesbian sex.

The other most popular Pornhub search terms for last year were "stepmom", "MILF" and "ebony"- what do they imply? That all men secretly want to have sex with their close relatives or older women or what?

Thank you. It's a disingenuous comparison.

If I had to use what happens in porn to justify my relationship, I'd be concerned.

Permabear

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Ann_Landers

Permabear wrote: »

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I'm sorry but do you think I don't realise that there are real humans in porn and that that is why I consider it fantasy? What I mean is that porn is fantasising in visual form. There is a separation between the people watching it and performing it, at least to the people watching. People fantasise about all kinds of things that they would never in a lifetime consider doing themselves. That's one of its main attractions.

I've found a new life goal: never get in a relationship that I need to compare to porn in order to justify it.

PandaPoo

Ann_Landers wrote: »

I am very bemused at posters simply not getting suicide circus's post. It was so obviously a joke!

Why did you quote my post? It had nothing to do with suicide circus' post.

Ann_Landers

PandaPoo wrote: »

Why did you quote my post? It had nothing to do with suicide circus' post.

You quoted him. And also completely misunderstood hence me quoting you with the rest. You said the same happened to you and your husband, despite his post being a joke about a 10 year old and 20 year old getting together.

My post was about the amount of people that completely misunderstood his post.

PandaPoo

Ann_Landers wrote: »

You quoted him. And also completely misunderstood hence me quoting you with the rest. You said the same happened to you and your husband, despite his post being a joke about a 10 year old and 20 year old getting together.

My post was about the amount of people that completely misunderstood his post.

So I did I understood his post, I just meant to quote him saying the 20 and 30 year old, not his whole post. Oops!

Permabear

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