Introverted or socially anxious or both?

LegacyUser

Trying to understand myself better is a horribly difficult task. And I'd like some help/advice.
I guess I feel like I use introversion as an excuse sometimes to justify my shyness and I'm not actually sure whether I'm simply a quiet soul, a shy extrovert, or a socially anxious introvert.

I live a quite lonely existence. I have my girlfriend and that's it (I live in another country). I feel a real desire to socialize with more people because of the loneliness, but I find that the desire never materializes into taking action. A lot of that is due to fear. I just avoid doing anything.

But on the contrary, when I do socialize with my two existing friends (back home) and we go out somewhere, I find it quite exhausting. Even when I use my favorite sociable crutch, which comes in the form of a beer or six, I still find chatting to people quite a draining experience.

I despise small talk but when I'm tipsy I can put on a facade that feigns interest in small talk. I'm not sure if my dislike of it is because of my fear of socializing or because I just hate talking about the weather and asking people how their weekends went.

I find it hard to accept the notion of introversion and being an introvert. I equate being introverted with thinking too much and just not being a happy person. Every extrovert I see just seems so much more content with their lives and with who they are. They also have a lot more fun than I do.

I'm not exactly anti-fun, but I am quite serious. I do a lot of deep thinking, I read nonfiction relentlessly, and I self-analyse a f*ckton. I feel much more comfortable expressing myself in writing than by speaking because the latter feels so much clumsier when I do it, especially sober, when I tend to analyse everything I say instead of letting the words come from me freely.

But again, it's so difficult to tell whether these preferences and behavioural patterns are influenced by being an introvert or because I have a form of social anxiety that causes me to behave like an introvert.

Does this sound like introversion? In the event that I'm simply a quiet soul that keeps to himself, what can I do to accept myself as an introvert given that I hate myself for being this way?

If anyone has any advice or input that would be really appreciated. Thank you.

Galbin

Sounds like you are an introvert. The key difference between an introvert and an extrovert is that the former loses energy when they are with people, while the latter gains energy. Introverts also hate small talk, preferring one on one conversation.

I am an introvert and love it! Most extroverts I know need much more money than I do to live on, as they constantly want to be out at concerts/dinners/nights out/trips away. OTOH, I can live on a lot less. This is actually very freeing indeed. Plus, I have hobbies I enjoy, which I can do alone. IME, extroverts seem more prone to relationship issues as it seems their partners and families are sometimes not enough for them(this is actually been borne out in various studies). Finally, the extroverts I know seem to be constantly searching for company and can get down when they are not around a lot of people. Again, not something I ever have to worry about, and that is also freeing.

I hate to sound condescending, but when I was younger I used to think being an extrovert would be a great thing because society reveres extroverts. Now I realise there are many advantages to introversion. If I were an extrovert I wouldn't have the happy relationship and low stress life that I have now. With time and self acceptance, you may feel the same.

Vicxas

There's nothing wrong with being an introvert, i'm the same as you and Gablin, I love being alone a lot of the time and have a very small set of friends, I do crave a little more social interaction but i guess you do need some balance between both sometimes.

gline

It seems your real problem is probably overthinking. You dont need to label yourself at all, no single type of person is happier than another, in fact balance is usually the best.

No one is 100% extroverted/introverted.
Talking to a professional would be a good option to get a 'professional strangers' objective viewpoint on the contradictory thoughts you have (wanting to be social, but then in the moment, not enjoying it) and comparing yourself to others.

Galbin

gline wrote: »

No one is 100% extroverted/introverted.
Talking to a professional would be a good option to get a 'professional strangers' objective viewpoint on the contradictory thoughts you have (wanting to be social, but then in the moment, not enjoying it) and comparing yourself to others.

Perhaps OP has those thoughts because there is tremendous cultural pressure in much of the western world for people to like socialising and to make it a large part of their lives. Especially in their 20s. So, many introverts will make themselves socialise and then question why they aren't enjoying it. In my case, I found a partner who is extremely introverted. So finally I didn't have any pressure on me to socialise. Thus, I learned that feeling depleted after socialising, and wanting to spend my weekends reading etc. didn't need to be something I had to change. I've been really content with my introversion since.

I look at the lives of my siblings (all are extroverts), and I want to take a nap at the thought of even contemplating their social lives. And it's not that they are big drinkers. It's just that they are always playing sport/going on a weekend away/going to a concert/meeting X person for dinner. I am happy for those who like to live that way, but it doesn't suit me, and it doesn't suit many introverts.

gline

Galbin wrote: »

Perhaps OP has those thoughts because there is tremendous cultural pressure in much of the western world for people to like socialising and to make it a large part of their lives.

Theres only as much pressure on you as you allow to affect you. A counsellor or similar can help you to accept who you are a bit more and help with the overthinking.

LegacyUser

Perhaps part of what signifies to me that I'm a shy extrovert as opposed to a shy introvert is how I've taken the time to understand introversion yet I still cannot accept behaving in an introverted manner. I've even gone as far as reading Quiet by Susan Cain, which is considered a veritable introvert's bible. The books explains that introverts are born the way they are.

Yet I hate myself for not participating in anything social outside of spending time my two friends. When living in another city, as I am now, I just keep my head down and work (I work freelance so not in a typical office). Yet a deeper part of me wants to socialize and feels terribly unfulfilled by not having others in my life. I feel like people who behave in the way I do (reading books all the time, engaging in solo hobbies like guitar) are living life wrong.

miss nesbit

" I feel like people who behave in the way I do (reading books all the time, engaging in solo hobbies like guitar) are living life wrong."

This is the deep rooted perspective of society taking over your own thoughts. You know yourself that you are happier the way you live your live. That's the most important thing. Ok so you feel like you need to socialise more, so get out there and take small steps in the right direction. A social life that you will be content with wont happen over night but you can progress slowly and surely.

I am the exact same as you, I spent years not accepting and annoyed that all my siblings would have crazy social lives and why wasnt I the same? I just couldnt keep up. Start focusing on the positives of your deep thinking and interest in reading, I gaurantee you there are plenty of extroverted people wishing they were more 'in their head'. Its such a cliche but if I had to summarise I would say 'dont label yourself and you wont become a victim of the label'

Nichololas

Yeah I'd say you're definitely an introvert. We don't require a huge amount of socializing but we do need some, and clearly your social box is a little too small for comfort.

I despise small talk but when I'm tipsy I can put on a facade that feigns interest in small talk. I'm not sure if my dislike of it is because of my fear of socializing or because I just hate talking about the weather and asking people how their weekends went.

It's probably a little bit of social anxiety and a little bit because talking about the weather and people's weekends is fairly trivial and unengaging in most cases (exceptions for some great weekends). Unless you're someone who just likes talking for talkings sake then small talk is always going to be something you have to endure until something more interesting happens.
You seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place; either staying lonely and socially unfulfilled or dealing with your social anxiety. If the only socializing you do is with your girlfriend and going for pints and ****e conversation with two friends at home, then clearly this is not enough.. I don't know what non-fiction it is you read or what your other interests are but I guarantee you there is an large number of people who share the same interests and also despise small talk. The catch is you have to actually push through the discomfort to find people with similar interests, and then - almost magically - conversations will be easy. Even small talk becomes rote and pretty easy (although rarely interesting) if you practice it enough.
Basically, your introversion is more-or-less set  in stone, but how much you socialize isn't. If you're not happy with how much you socialize, then you don't have to (and shouldn't) accept it, but it's up to you to change it.