Issue with friend re weight

LegacyUser

First of all, this isn't a request for medical advice so please don’t regard as such.

What it is is a request to how to deal with my best friend.

We are both in our early forties. I am 5 foot 6 and 9 stone 3. I am a tiny build as I take a size 3 shoe. My dad is 6 foot and takes a 5, so we're not a big boned family. My brother is 6ft 4 and 11 stone and takes a size 7 shoe.

My best friend is an inch smaller than me and is 11 stone. She is probably more toned than me as does a lot of muscle bearing work. She is constantly on at me to gain weight to her size. I'm just not that size...my thighs and bottom will never be what she is; we were in a spa recently and honestly her thigh was the size of my two.

My friend thinks I have an eating disorder. I have pretty much been this weight since I was 18. I don't weigh myself often. The only thing I can think of is I contracted a stomach ulcer about 4 years ago which was undiagnosed for quite a while. It did change my relationship with food and i'm only now getting back to seeing this as a pleasure. I was really quite ill and lost almost a stone; however I have maintained my weight at what it is for almost two years. I'm not mad at eating in front of people as they tend to pile food on my plate.

My friend she is driving me nuts. I'm just naturally smaller and a different shape! She'll pile food on me and buy snacks when we're out. I'm still trying to get back to seeing food as a pleasure. I wouldn't wish an ulcer on anyone. I was so sick for a number of months and the treatment was nearly as bad as having it.

How can I make her quit it? This constant telling me I should gain weight is driving me nuts. I have clothes from an 8 to a 14 so am not really thin.

retro:electro

Ask her to shrink down to your size and see how she likes it.
Just ignore her. She sounds like she's conscious of her size in your company, if I'm honest.
Your weight sounds fine.

bee06

Be blunt and tell her to feck off and mind her own business. I'm two inches taller than you and weighed 7 and a half stone before I got pregnant. I tried everything (healthy) to gain weight but nothing works. When people comment on my size they get a polite smile and I say it's genetic. Any who pushes it gets an eye roll and no further discussion on the subject.

People are different and if she's really your friend she should cop in and accept that's your build.

Porklife

If she's a good friend talk to her and tell her how it's making you feel. Surely she knows about the ulcer and how you're trying to get back to seeing food as pleasure.

She shouldn't be commenting on your weight unless it stems from genuine concern but even then, saying it quietly to you once would suffice.

It sounds like maybe she's jealous of your physique. Tell her how you feel. If you try not let it bother you and ignore her, you''ll most likely end up snapping at her or resenting her. It's obviously bothering you so talk to her!

Rodin

11stone is far too heavy for a woman of 5ft 5.

Tell her to lose weight.
Your weight is fine.

There is a new 'norm' in society where you are seen as being too skinny.

Problem is that most people are too fat but it's becoming the reference point.

groovyg

That would grind my gears, I'm surprised you haven't let rip at her at this stage. We all come in different shapes and sizes and she needs to look after herself instead of commenting on your weight. It sounds like she has complex around her own weight and figure and trying to push it on to you.
Is she really into weight lifting because if she is then of course she's going to be a different body shape to you.

problem with friend

problem with friend wrote: »

My friend thinks I have an eating disorder.

The only thing I can think of is I contracted a stomach ulcer about 4 years ago which was undiagnosed for quite a while. It did change my relationship with food and i'm only now getting back to seeing this as a pleasure. I was really quite ill and lost almost a stone; however I have maintained my weight at what it is for almost two years.

My friend she is driving me nuts. She'll pile food on me and buy snacks when we're out. I'm still trying to get back to seeing food as a pleasure. I wouldn't wish an ulcer on anyone. I was so sick for a number of months and the treatment was nearly as bad as having it.

To be honest, I'm wondering if this has nothing to do with your size per se and everything to do with your friend worrying about your health. It sounds like you went through an awful time, which presumably your friend would have witnessed, and might be only worrying about your health.

You say yourself you still don't see food as a pleasure and you don't like to eat in front of other people so you do have some issues around food.

If you're only just now getting back to normal, say this to her, tell her not to worry about you and that your health problems are over.

QueenRizla

problem with friend wrote: »

How can I make her quit it? This constant telling me I should gain weight is driving me nuts.

Have you said it to her? Sounds like a strange dynamic where she thinks it's acceptable and you haven't immediately told her where to get off. Are you afraid of losing the friendship if you stand up for yourself? You spend a lot of your post justifying your weight, you don't have to do that with her or anyone, sometimes people can think it's an ok topic if you are willing to engage and debate about it.
Also sometimes those boundaries can be unspoken, but in this case, you need to say it to her and tell her you will not be discussing it again.

Graham_B18C

Rodin wrote: »

11stone is far too heavy for a woman of 5ft 5.

11 stone is hardly far too heavy. Jesus. You're doing exactly what her friend is doing, making people feel bad about their weight

stuboy01

If you say that she's toned, it's likely that she is in a gym regularly, so her appetite will be rampant, hence the large portion sizes and constant snacking.
I presume you are not in the gym multiple times in the week, therefore you do not have to eat as much.
if you did start to eat to a similar level to her then you'd pile on weight/fat in an unhealthy manner unless you were exercising to add it as muscle.
everyone is a different body size, you just need to outline this to your friend, 'I don;t need to eat the same as you, i don't go to the gym'

it sounds like you are recovering from your ulcer by gradually getting back to 'your normal' size. good on you.
In fairness it sounds like your friend might be feeling self concious by eating huge amounts in your presence when you don't.

stuboy01

Rodin wrote: »

11stone is far too heavy for a woman of 5ft 5.

Tell her to lose weight.
Your weight is fine.

Not necessarily, friend is described as 'toned' and is probably carrying a lot of dense muscle which is heavy matter.
That's why anyone regularly in the gym cannot use BMI as a measure of healthy body weight.

QueenRizla

Why the big debate about the friend's weight. That's only dragging it out and making tit for tat.

woodchuck

OP she's probably just jealous and is trying to force snacks etc on you so that she doesn't feel guilty when she's having them herself. Is she a good friend? If so, I'd just have a chat with her explaining what you've told us on here. I wouldn't bring specifics about weight (yours, hers or anyones) into it though, just let her know how it makes you feel and if she's a good friend she should knock it off. If she doesn't... well, then maybe she's not that good a friend after all

meeeeh

Op your weight is normal and your friends is just about overweight according to BMI. So in that regard you have nothing to worry about. And even your friend could be perfectly healthy if she is more muscular.

However I find it strange that two women in their 40ies compare their weight and height in such a detail. Does either of you have other issues around body image or food. I don't mean ulcer.

LegacyUser

She's projecting. She's the gym bunny, she's the one who weighs themselves, she's the one fascinated with numbers. She probably is more muscular and weighs more than she might look so her opinion of what under 10 stone is could be skewed. She probably wishes the same numbers popped up on her scales. You don't sound underweight for height. She doesn't sound overweight for hers, upper end of a healthy range but muscular folk should play little heed to BMI to be honest. Just tell her your weight is none of her concern and that you're less likely to hang out if it's a reoccurring theme in your conversations.

RhubarbCrumble

Rodin wrote: »

There is a new 'norm' in society where you are seen as being too skinny.

Problem is that most people are too fat but it's becoming the reference point.

Absolutely agree. I was a skinny child, thin teenager and now in my thirties am a slim adult at 5 3" and a size 6-8. I have been told on a number occasions that "Oh you're very thin". I'd love to see the reaction of people if I replied with "Actually no, you're just fat".
We're so used to obesity now that's it's seen as the norm and people have forgotten that what they see as 'skinny' people are in reality people who are a healthy weight.

Airyfairy12

You tell her to stop and if she doesnt then you stop spending time with her.

What business is it of hers what size or shape you are? and at 9 stone you sound perfectly healthy.
Overtime it can really take its toll on your self esteem, it could make you far too aware of your bodies appearance and make you feel like theres something wrong with how you look.
Its unacceptable to criticise bigger people and tell them to diet, why do people think its acceptable to criticise smaller people? the effects are the same.

Theres also the chance that she's jealous because youre smaller than she is, she works out, eats well and is still heavier than you. Either way she sounds toxic and if she wont leave you alone about your weight then youre going to have to give the friendship some space.

Besides weight looks different on everybody, ive friends the exact same weight as me and we all look totally different. To look at us nobody would think we were the same weight.

gline

If your happy with your weight and healthy, thats all that matters. Nobody elses opinion matters, its your body.

Sounds like you need to firmly tell your friend to lay off the weight related comments and actions and dont accept that behaviour from anyone else either.

milli milli

Rodin wrote: »

There is a new 'norm' in society where you are seen as being too skinny.

Problem is that most people are too fat but it's becoming the reference point.

This is true.
Op, this sounds to me like your friend is skinny-shaming you. You're a perfectly healthy weight for your height.
If she's in her 40s, she should have enough self-awareness to realise we all come in different shapes and sizes.
It does sound like she is working her ass off in the gym, is still bigger than you and may be insecure, as others have suggested.
I'd just say to ger that you're very happy with your size and please stop mentioning it and harassing you about it.

Emme

5'6" and 9 stone 3 sounds normal to me and I was that weight until a few years ago. I'm an inch smaller than you, the same weight as your friend at the moment and I consider myself overweight. I put on the weight while I was ill and my doctor has advised me to lose at least a stone. 9 stone 3 would be a happy weight for me if I could get back to it.

If you check out BMI your friend is actually overweight and you are normal. She may be a gym bunny and can carry the extra weight but she is technically overweight. You are not.

I agree with the poster who said that 11 stone is far too heavy for a woman of 5'5". Irish people are either the fattest or second fattest in Europe depending on the study. There is too much fat acceptance here and it's getting to the stage that anybody who is on the lighter side of normal is accused of having an eating disorder. Ignore your friend. Your weight is perfect and many of us would love it!

Dixie Chick

A BMI of 25.6 is hardly "far too heavy"

OP I am happy for you that you are in a good place with your weight now and if you can really let your friend know this will affect you wanting to spend time with her then she may ease off.