Sexist bullying, commenting on my looks

Karma123

I work for a large firm. I received an email yesterday in which my male colleagues were commenting on the looks of a new girl who just joined our firm. She's extremely good looking. But my looks were also discussed/ rated as were some of the other women in the office. What was 'said' was disgusting. I'm very upset and can't stop thinking about it. I thought that I had a great rapport with many of these men and that there was a mutual respect but clearly not. It's all just a veneer. We always have banter but this isn't it. I was bullied a lot in secondary school and I have always been very conscious of my looks. This has brought back a lot of those feelings. The way I feel now, I thought all this c*ap was behind me.
I want to bring this to the attention of managment. But then I know what would happen and people would know, there's loyalty, people are liked..... This isn't me being oversensitive, is it?

Tigger

Karma123 wrote: »

I work for a large firm. I received an email yesterday in which my male colleagues were commenting on the looks of a new girl who just joined our firm. She's extremely good looking. But my looks were also discussed/ rated as were some of the other women in the office. What was 'said' was disgusting. I'm very upset and can't stop thinking about it. I thought that I had a great rapport with many of these men and that there was a mutual respect but clearly not. It's all just a veneer. We always have banter but this isn't it. I was bullied a lot in secondary school and I have always been very conscious of my looks. This has brought back a lot of those feelings. The way I feel now, I thought all this c*ap was behind me.
I want to bring this to the attention of managment. But then I know what would happen and people would know, there's loyalty, people are liked..... This isn't me being oversensitive, is it?

Sounds awful; were you ment to get the mail or was it sent to you by mistake?
I'm sure you will be told to go to management but if it was me I'd just realise that they are immature insecure fools with small gentiles and murder them all in their sleep.

Ken.

Mod-Locked for a review.

Ken.

Mod-Thread moved to the Work Problems forum. Please read the local charter before posting.

SCOOP 64

You wouldn't get any better advice then Tigger gave.

riffmongous

You can probably find your answer in this thread I got colleagues suspended for rating women in the office

Karma123

Tigger wrote: »

Karma123 wrote: »

I work for a large firm. I received an email yesterday in which my male colleagues were commenting on the looks of a new girl who just joined our firm. She's extremely good looking. But my looks were also discussed/ rated as were some of the other women in the office. What was 'said' was disgusting. I'm very upset and can't stop thinking about it. I thought that I had a great rapport with many of these men and that there was a mutual respect but clearly not. It's all just a veneer. We always have banter but this isn't it. I was bullied a lot in secondary school and I have always been very conscious of my looks. This has brought back a lot of those feelings. The way I feel now, I thought all this c*ap was behind me.
I want to bring this to the attention of managment. But then I know what would happen and people would know, there's loyalty, people are liked..... This isn't me being oversensitive, is it?

Sounds awful; were you ment to get the mail or was it sent to you by mistake?
I'm sure you will be told to go to management but if it was me I'd just realise that they are immature insecure fools with small gentiles and murder them all in their sleep.

It was sent to me by mistake. I get what you're saying but these are grown men ranging from their twenties to their forties, not immature teenagers. I don't want to just stand back and be a doormat. I can't get past how nice they are to my face but this is how they really feel.

AnneFrank

My office is full of women, and the same thing is done and said about the men daily. It's not nice but it happens, what do you hope to achieve by going to management, just move on I'm sure it wasn't meant to hurt anyone, just stupid male banter that you got by accident

The Highwayman

Karma123 wrote: »

This isn't me being oversensitive, is it?

Yes it is. Females do this too and in far more graphic detail than men. Your own self image problems are just that your own, stop projecting this onto other people. You need a thicker skin if you want to life.

eurokev

Try and brush it off OP, it's just bravado. A lot of men are like this. We don't mean any offence by it. They are probably well aware that you have got the email by mistake and probably feel terrible and awkward about it, because it is reserved for the realms of male banter.

You said they like you already and you get on well. They will probably be really nice to you now for the next little while, lol, to try and make up for it.

I would encourage you to forget about it as best you can and not take it further

myshirt

The Highwayman wrote: »

Yes it is. Females do this too and in far more graphic detail than men. Your own self image problems are just that your own, stop projecting this onto other people. You need a thicker skin if you want to life.

Couldn't agree more. Op, don't be getting caught up in this new wave feminism bullsh't.

Protip: There is always going to be conflict in work. Toughen up and learn to work with people. It is bad taste from these guys, yes, but such is the nature of humans, we are always judging people. If you are ugly and this lady is beautiful, so be it.

And to bullying, it sounds like you have had this problem all your life, kids and teenagers will always compete for dominance. It will happen all through life. The better you deal with this the better and more successful you will be. It is a life skill you need to learn. What you don't need is to be wrapped in wool and someone else to fight your life challenges for you.

Have you any friends? How would you rate your emotional and social coping resources? (i e utilise these friends, or try make friends. Spend time with people, you'll feel better)

kunst nugget

Karma123 wrote: »

It was sent to me by mistake. I get what you're saying but these are grown men ranging from their twenties to their forties, not immature teenagers. I don't want to just stand back and be a doormat. I can't get past how nice they are to my face but this is how they really feel.

I'd reply to all of them in the email pointing out the fact that if you're going to be talking about someone in a derogatory fashion, it would be best not to actually email them. That should put the horrors up them. Maybe mention the gravy that you'll be keeping a copy of the email if you think that's appropriate. If you still feel what they did is unacceptable, maybe find someone in HR that you could have a hypothetical 'if people were doing this, what would be the consequences' conservation before deciding to pursue it further.

It's an awful thing to happen to you, OP and I can only imagine his hard it is to go through something like that. Never let arseholes like that make you feel small. They are not worth it.

Surreptitious

The Highwayman wrote: »

Yes it is. Females do this too and in far more graphic detail than men. Your own self image problems are just that your own, stop projecting this onto other people. You need a thicker skin if you want to life.

I'm female and would never speak about someone like that so you are wrong completely.

Aristotle145

Try work on a ship like captain and have women onboard for a month.
Men will alway be men,get over it.

dixiefly

kunst nugget wrote: »

I'd reply to all of them in the email pointing out the fact that if you're going to be talking about someone in a derogatory fashion, it would be best not to actually email them. That should put the horrors up them. Maybe mention the gravy that you'll be keeping a copy of the email if you think that's appropriate. If you still feel what they did is unacceptable, maybe find someone in HR that you could have a hypothetical 'if people were doing this, what would be the consequences' conservation before deciding to pursue it further.

It's an awful thing to happen to you, OP and I can only imagine his hard it is to go through something like that. Never let arseholes like that make you feel small. They are not worth it.

I was thinking of a response along these lines. It will demonstrate that you received it and you deem it unacceptable and at the same time you are not the office rat. It will also mean that you are doing something about it which I think you want to do.

Annasopra

It is hard to determine the full details from your post OP but it could possibly be a case of bullying/harassment/discrimination which is illegal.


http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/employment/equality_in_work/equality_in_the_workplace.html

threetrees

I'm surprised at so many "do nothing" responses! I know there's office chat and banter, there will be some discussions on personal appearances in sub groups but to commit such comments to email is not acceptable. A HR department would take this very seriously.

DoctorBoo

Go to HR. You don't need to be undermined like this in your workplace. It's not acceptable. Ignore the commenters above. You don't have to put up and shut up. Best of luck.

Hormoney1980

Totally agree with threetrees... Really surprised at the responses to this. It's a ****ty situation as I'm sure you don't want to isolate yourself by taking action, but doing nothing leaves you feeling victimised.

If it was me I'd call them on it. I'd say they'd be quick to apologise which is the minimum you deserve. This would be a way of avoiding official action which can be very stressful but still asserting yourself and getting closure.

Boys will be boys but boys don't need to be pri©ks.

Samaris

Yeah, you don't have to just sit back and take it, as some posters are suggesting. Nor do you have to just "grow a thicker skin", as if this is something a woman should just expect in the workplace (it isn't - this is an exception, not the norm). The views of grow a thicker skin and the rest are contemptible, but there are some people who can't quite grasp the concept of women being in a workplace to earn a salary rather than as entertainment for idiots. Sending around ratings of various co-workers is disgusting, childish and has no place in a workplace. People are there to work, not mate.

I'd be inclined to send it back to the male co-workers too and put the absolute fear of god into them. A couple of them may not get the concept, probably the ones that would say you need to grow a thicker skin and "all men do this" (no, decent men don't, miserable excuses for human beings do), but some probably will.

And if there's any of them that you would consider friends that it particularly annoys/upsets you, print it off and hand it to them with a "well?" expression and eyeball them until they come up with some sort of explanation. Some are probably gutless, some of them are probably just dumb and need a dose of consequences. If they are decent human beings, they'll be horrified at having done that to someone they are usually friendly with.

Big Bag of Chips

I think I'd "reply to all" with someting short and sweet.

"was this meant for me?".

I would then wait to see if anyone has the decency to approach you and apologise. HR is always an option. But I think I'd give them a chance to redeem themselves first. It's crappy that this happened, but it does happen. And just because they think the new girl is "hot" and you not so much, doesn't mean that your working relationship with them has to change.

There's always going to be someone "hot"! Most of us aren't "hot"! Most of us are average at best, but when put up beside someone "hot" we can feel far inferior. How you, or she looks, is irrelevant to how well you do your work.

The men were idiots. But then again, people are. I'm sure a lot of it is bravado of the group. And things said would never be said by any of the men in isolation. They were just being idiots and having 'a bit of banter' between themselves.

Give them a chance to see if amends are made, if not, bring it further if you want.

AnthonyCny

https://youtu.be/ZzvZnb5fXoo

anewme

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think I'd "reply to all" with someting short and sweet.

"was this meant for me?".

This!

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Send this back and they will be crapping themselves.

Guarantee you they will approach you with a wasn't me it was him attitude because they know things like this are not tolerated in the workplace these days.

Let them stew.

Something simular happened in PWC ten years ago or so - the new graduates were being ranked by the lads.

It does happen and you won't stop men thinking or chatting but doing it by email is stupidness that can be stopped.

As above you could send it to HR or send it back to the senders. I doubt you received this by accident, someone wanted you to know what was going on or someone was being particularly nasty.

What do you want to happen OP?

Edit: the OP seems to be banned.

Ficheall

Reply all to the company and rate all the men over a wide range of categories. Hours of entertainment ensue.

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

tracey turnblad

I'd be hurt over that so your not alone. If you already lack confidence in your appearance and then it's confirmed by a group of colleagues it's hurtful. I'm well able for banter, I work in a place where it's about 75% male and 25% woman but if it got personal about my appearance as much as I would like to be able to brush it off I couldn't it would really effect me. On the outside I'd be smiles but my inside voice would be ripping myself to shreds. I'd have to say something to them. I'd just say something like if you want to comment on my appreance in the future please leave me out of it. I wouldn't go to HR at this time unless it happened again then I would but I would save the email. You need to call them up on it so it doesn't happen again... maybe they thought you'd be able for it if you get invoulved in the banter... you need to let them know that your not. I really feel for you especially as others have been telling you to get over it...

Yourself isit

The Highwayman wrote: »

Yes it is. Females do this too and in far more graphic detail than men. Your own self image problems are just that your own, stop projecting this onto other people. You need a thicker skin if you want to life.

In emails? Including the people bring rated?

R.D. aka MR.D

Ignore the people on here telling you to do nothing or not to 'buy into' feminism.

Do people make comments about others male and female? Yes. Is it appropriate for the workplace? No.

If I ever hear anything of the like in my office, I call it out immediately. It's 2017, it is not okay.

As others have suggested, reply to all and let them squirm. Unless they are like the presumably ancient aul fellas telling you this isn't a big deal, they will know they have done wrong. There is nobody under the age of 60 that wouldn't have an idea how inappropriate this is.

As for you personally. You were bullied in school, I assume that is a good long while ago. If it is still bothering you then go and talk to a professional.

tracey turnblad

Aristotle145 wrote: »

Try work on a ship like captain and have women onboard for a month.
Men will alway be men,get over it.

And sure men should be able to do what they like... (sarcastic voice)

anewme

Op is banned after 2 posts...maybe this is just **** stirring?