Is there anything wrong with settling?

alberto67

BetsyEllen wrote: »

So do I but if I don't, I'll be having no sex and that's just fine with me!

Hopefully I'll never be so desperate for a ride that I resort to sleeping with people that I don't find remotely attractive and have to drink 2 bottles of wine before our scheduled Saturday night fumble.

Agree. In that case, I'd rather ride my pillow.

kerryjack

alberto67 wrote: »

Agree. In that case, I'd rather ride my pillow.

Luky pillow

alberto67

kerryjack wrote: »

Luky pillow

I know... a bit holed now

Emme

Whatdo1do wrote: »

Yes we have fun together and he seems interested in what I've got to say and he's an interesting person. We like the same kind of things. He treats me very well. All the things you would want in a relationship and some of the things that were missing from previous relationships I've had. My last partner was mentally very abusive and left me a bit of an emotional mess. The one before was physically abusive. It's been nice to be treated so well for a change and its been a surprise to me. I like not feeling like I have to walk on eggshells all the time. It's just that I can't feel any spark. In the beginning I thought that it might grow over time but it just hasn't happened. I do really like him just that feeling is missing.

OP have you had counselling for your previous abusive relationships? It could be that you are not used to somebody treating you well. There is no drama and danger in this relationship and you are not used to feeling safe with somebody. If you are used to drama safe might feel boring. The "spark" isn't the be all and end all. You can spend your life looking for the "spark" and end up alone whereas many relationships start with a slow burn and grow over time.

If you would prefer to spend the rest of your life alone than be in a relationship with this man by all means end it. However I would not advise you to end this relationship without giving it a lot of thought. It is hard to meet somebody who is kind, caring and considerate. No relationship is perfect. I am going to go against the grain and advise you to give this relationship a chance. In the meantime get some counselling for your previous experiences.

There are plenty of men out there who are abusive. If you end it with this man he will have no problem meeting somebody else. It might not be so easy for you to meet somebody else.

Pterosaur

So he treats you well but there's no spark? I assume theres a spark from his perspective?

Whereas with previous, there was a spark but you were not treated well?

I don't know, it is a tough one. Go it alone, hang on for something that might have more spark, or "settle" for the good guy with no major spark from your perspective.

If I was the guy though, I am not sure I would like the thought of being "settled on", although maybe he is besotted enough with you to settle for being "settled on".

kerryjack

There is not as much pressure any more to have a life long partner. Not like years ago when a women needed a man to provide for them and a man needed a women to cook for him, 50 years ago people thought getting married was the only show in town, For me marriage is a load of bull that you can walk away from any time, its when 2 people decide to have a child together now thats a serious commitment and should not be taken lighty. The sad reality is a lot of people got married down through the years just to please there parent's thats not happening anymore and thats a good thing.

LegacyUser

Hi I'm the op. Just to answer a few questions. I did have counselling recently but I didn't find it very helpful. I didn't really gel with the counsellor, and I didn't find her particularly interested. It wasnt really what I was expecting to be honest. She didn't really ask me questions to do with what I was saying. It was a free HSE service for people who experienced sexual abuse as a child and we never even really talked about the abuse and the effect it had on me. I can't really afford private counselling at the moment.

As for confusing the lack of drama with spark I honestly don't know. I do like him a lot but I don't fancy him. It's for superficial shallow reasons to be honest and I know you're not supposed to go by looks alone. He has kissed me and while it was nice it didn't really have any real effect on me. Like it didn't get my heart racing or anything.

The whole sex thing is very complex and complicated for me in general anyway. It has never been something that was important to me. No man I've been with has ever been able to make the earth move for me if you know what I mean. Although I do enjoy the intimacy when it's someone I find attractive I've never really gotten much more than that out of it. I think it's getting to the stage where he's looking for it to happen very soon but I would never expect him to stay in a sexless relationship. I would be able to meet his needs in that department, like I have with other men I've been with. Its a kind of feeling where my mind and body disconnect from each other. Its very hard to explain and I've never been able to talk to anyone about it before because it just seems too weird.

I think settling is the wrong word to use in the op. What I'm trying to get my head around is if you can have a good relationship without strong physical attraction when all the other factors are there. Anyway most people seem to think you can't. I don't want to hurt him but if that's the case then maybe the right thing to do is let him go.

Big Bag of Chips

Whatdo1donow wrote: »

I think settling is the wrong word to use in the op. What I'm trying to get my head around is if you can have a good relationship without strong physical attraction when all the other factors are there. Anyway most people seem to think you can't.

I don't know. Every relationship will be different and what works for 1 couple, won't work for someone else. I have gone out with less-than-conventionally-handsome men, and been really really attracted to them. I was attracted to them as a person.

Do you think you could be happy with him? Truly happy? Happy to spend 40 years with him, happy? If so, then what he looks like will grow to be less and less important. Are you attracted to him? As in, do you look forward to meeting him and spending time with him? Do you miss him when he's not around? Are you drawn to him and want to spend time with him, despite the minor things about his looks that are putting you off?

Looks, whilst obviously important initially to draw our attention to someone, are probably the least important thing in a relationship, in my opinion anyway! Looks change, the personality and the person inside, generally doesn't change a whole lot. So if you are drawn to the person, that's what matters.

If you're not drawn to him, or attracted to him in any way, then best not to drag it out much longer.

professore

Whatdo1donow wrote: »

Hi I'm the op. Just to answer a few questions. I did have counselling recently but I didn't find it very helpful. I didn't really gel with the counsellor, and I didn't find her particularly interested. It wasnt really what I was expecting to be honest. She didn't really ask me questions to do with what I was saying. It was a free HSE service for people who experienced sexual abuse as a child and we never even really talked about the abuse and the effect it had on me. I can't really afford private counselling at the moment.

As for confusing the lack of drama with spark I honestly don't know. I do like him a lot but I don't fancy him. It's for superficial shallow reasons to be honest and I know you're not supposed to go by looks alone. He has kissed me and while it was nice it didn't really have any real effect on me. Like it didn't get my heart racing or anything.

The whole sex thing is very complex and complicated for me in general anyway. It has never been something that was important to me. No man I've been with has ever been able to make the earth move for me if you know what I mean. Although I do enjoy the intimacy when it's someone I find attractive I've never really gotten much more than that out of it. I think it's getting to the stage where he's looking for it to happen very soon but I would never expect him to stay in a sexless relationship. I would be able to meet his needs in that department, like I have with other men I've been with. Its a kind of feeling where my mind and body disconnect from each other. Its very hard to explain and I've never been able to talk to anyone about it before because it just seems too weird.

I think settling is the wrong word to use in the op. What I'm trying to get my head around is if you can have a good relationship without strong physical attraction when all the other factors are there. Anyway most people seem to think you can't. I don't want to hurt him but if that's the case then maybe the right thing to do is let him go.

Why not move in with a like minded female friend instead? You will get all of the companionship and none of the pressure of sexual expectations.

osarusan

Whatever you do, be honest with him.

He might decide he's not willing to settle for that, and so be it.

Or you might be lucky and find that he feels just the same and is happy to enter a relationship on those terms too.


But it isn't a pretense you can keep up for ever, and for a partner to find out say 5 years down the line that the other half of the relationship has been sleeping with them just to keep them happy ("meet their needs") rather than out of their own desire, might break them.

Masterofballs

What do you find not attractive about him?

I have read about people from abused backgrounds showing attraction for abusive people and when someone comes along who treats them kindly they do not find them attractive because its something that is alien to them and even something that scares them. To be honesty you sound like you have intimacy problems and that is totally understandable as you seem to have been treated very badly throughout life. I would try and go to as many therapists as possible to find the right one who will unlock you from the prison you reside in.

I hope you find happiness, some lines you write are terribly sad. HUGS.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note:

Couple of off topic posts deleted. Please remember PI is an advice forum, rather than a discussion forum.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Do you think you could be happy with him? Truly happy? Happy to spend 40 years with him, happy? If so, then what he looks like will grow to be less and less important. Are you attracted to him? As in, do you look forward to meeting him and spending time with him? Do you miss him when he's not around? Are you drawn to him and want to spend time with him, despite the minor things about his looks that are putting you off?

I thought maybe I could be. I feel very comfortable with him and feel a lot of affection for him, but maybe I'm fooling myself because I don't want to be alone.

professore wrote: »

Why not move in with a like minded female friend instead? You will get all of the companionship and none of the pressure of sexual expectations.

Because even though I'm defective I want to find and be with someone who l love and who loves me back. I thought maybe it was possible to have that with someone who you weren't necessarily physically attracted to, like maybe you could just have an emotional connection, but according to a lot of the responses I've read here that isn't an option. The relationships I've had in the past I've loved them and been attracted to them at the same time. And although they told me they loved me too, the way they treated me said otherwise. They were either mentally and emotionally abusive in one case, or physically or sexually abusive in the other. I've never been treated this way by anyone before and maybe it is selfish of me like some posters have said, but I've liked it. I've never been with anyone who has really loved me before and at 40+ that's more than a bit pathetic. I'd come to believe that I was basically unloveable.

Masterofballs wrote: »

What do you find not attractive about him?

I have read about people from abused backgrounds showing attraction for abusive people and when someone comes along who treats them kindly they do not find them attractive because its something that is alien to them and even something that scares them. To be honesty you sound like you have intimacy problems and that is totally understandable as you seem to have been treated very badly throughout life. I would try and go to as many therapists as possible to find the right one who will unlock you from the prison you reside in.

I hope you find happiness, some lines you write are terribly sad. HUGS.

Thanks. It's purely physical things which sounds very shallow.

Anyway, I think it's best to end it for his sake now. The last year or so I've been doing really well. I've been back working and enjoying it after being out a long time due to severe depression and a spell in a psychiatric unit. I thought maybe it would be a good time to meet somebody and gave the whole dating thing another go. The doctors have been gradually reducing my medication but I can feel myself slipping again and getting lower and lower, and it wouldn't be fair to keep him around if I'm going back there again. Its very bleak and its not very nice for the people around me. Thanks for all the advice.

crebel81

Masterofballs wrote: »

What do you find not attractive about him?

I have read about people from abused backgrounds showing attraction for abusive people and when someone comes along who treats them kindly they do not find them attractive because its something that is alien to them and even something that scares them. To be honesty you sound like you have intimacy problems and that is totally understandable as you seem to have been treated very badly throughout life. I would try and go to as many therapists as possible to find the right one who will unlock you from the prison you reside in.

I hope you find happiness, some lines you write are terribly sad. HUGS.

You are absolutely right in what you say. I had the same experience and came to the same conclusion when I initially met my now wife...I was missing some sort of "spark" and this spark turned out to mean abuse, drama, toxicity...all negative traits which my ex had.

OP, you are worth so much more

professore

It never ceases to amaze me how so many people are attracted to drama and instability. As a guy there are plenty of guys I know who are fun, spontaneous seem reasonably good looking as far as I can tell, and have their lives together but for some reason it's these guys that have real problems attracting women, or if they do attract them it tends to be the unstable crazies. Sometimes they luck out and meet a suitable girl but it's hard work.

The sneaky two faced guys who are abusive to their girlfriends and who can't hold down a job seem to have no such problems. Never understood that one.

Not sure if it helps you OP but it's what I've observed over the years.