Will I ever love my partner's child?

ElizaBennett

Hi, I would love some advice or examples from others who have had similar experiences. I've been with my partner for three years, living together for a year and a half. I have two kids from my marriage, both older teens, and my partner has a 7 year old daughter. I'm worried that I will never become close to her and concerned as to how big a deal this will be.

We have a very intensely romantic relationship and still act like we did when we first fell in love. He's a fantastic guy and my family love him and see how good he is for me, especially compared to my ex husband. The problem is I have a huge issue with his child and I can't fully get to the bottom of it. Her behaviour is very very challenging and my friends and family would all vouch for that but, aside from that, I don't feel any affection for her and I don't know if that's because of her bad behaviour or is it a more fundamental thing.
Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly polite to her and try to stay out of disciplining or commenting whatsoever but I find I am obsessed with his access calendar and will plan months in advance to make sure I'm away or doing other things when he has her, if at all possible. For example, on week nights when she's with us, I'll work late and arrive home just before bed time, or after it if I can get away with it. At weekends I'll try to meet friends or visit my parents etc as my own kids are with their dad or doing their own things. I'm probably a very distant presence in her life but it's the only way I can cope. I have a very stressful job, a long commute and I'm a worrier so I just feel there is no room for more hassle in my life. If I'm honest, I resent that she behaves badly in my home and I can't deal with it and don't think I should have to. He's probably not strict enough with her as he only has her one or two days a week.
Just to add, we live in a house that I own and I have no plans to re-marry or add him to the deeds as I feel too independent at this stage and don't really want to be legally tied to anyone again.

Is this a hopeless situation or is it actually ok that I don't love his child as long as I'm polite when I see her. She has a mother and adores her Dad - does it matter that I have no feelings for her. To put it bluntly, if there's a choice, I'd rather not see him at all when he has her for the weekend than be with both of them. I'm not necessarily proud of feeling this way but it is what it is and I don't know how to change my feelings or if I need to even. Thanks for reading.

miamee

How could you love her when you never see her? Does she behave badly when she's with her mother or only with her father?

Do you maybe think he's a bad father for not disciplining her the way you think she should be?

Are you jealous that his attention is diverted away from your "intense romance" while she is around?

It's a strange thing to avoid a 7 year old child to such an extent, working late etc. She's just a child. Any child can be badly behaved but it's often a reaction to something going on that is making them unhappy. Have you been like this with her since you started seeing him 3 years ago when she was four years old? Does it worry him that you avoid his daughter? I'm sure he enjoys having time with her to himself but I find it strange that you are avoiding HER rather than giving them time together. If I were you I'd try answering some questions like the ones above and be honest with yourself about the answers.

ElizaBennett

Thanks miamee, yes I am always honest with myself about this and I hope you can appreciate how hard this has been and how painful it is to admit to these feelings, even to strangers.
I'm not jealous of the time he spends with her as I'm a very independent person and love being by myself doing my own thing or with my friends. If anything he's the one who is a bit clingy and loves being with me and doesn't have interests of his own. So it's not about that at all.

She's not like my children or like I was as a child. She's very loud and boisterous and has meltdowns every single day, though I believe she should be learning to control her emotions at almost 7. He's very indulgent and lenient and he thinks it's acceptable for her to scream the house down because he gave her red peppers for her dinner instead of yellow. I've had three years of this - though it mattered a lot less when he had his own house and I was only visiting. Now it's impacting on my peaceful family life and I admit I resent it. We probably got off on a bad footing because she's always been so loud and shouty and demanding and allowed to take over the conversation and never checked really.

He and I don't talk about this at all because the truth would really hurt him I'm sure so instead I deal how I can by arranging to be elsewhere as much as I can. Now and again I do things with them but I always dread how she'll act in public etc and she usually does have a tantrum. We never get a full day without tears or whining about something or other and it's just too much. I just wanted to get a sense from others about this and what the future might hold, especially to hear from anyone who has ever felt the same. Thanks.

miamee

That sounds very stressful alright and it does seem that his parenting skills or how he deals with her are a big part of the issue here. I'm not in the same situation at all so I can't comment from that perspective I'm afraid. Best of luck with it

LegacyUser

She is the child of parents who aren't together and since she was four you have been a perceived threat to her relationship with her father, which you have exacerbated by becoming another absent parent who has made little or no effort to show her anything beyond being distant and "polite". For that you blame her and claim that you have such a stressful job that it justifies treating the child like she's the problem. The mind boggles at the self-centeredness of your behaviour and if the poor child's father hasn't had the balls and wit to address this problem in three years, I feel sorry for her, she has two poor role models who don't appear to have the parenting intelligence to make her feel loved and secure enough that she doesn't have to act out and you seem to believe that your "intensely romantic" relationship is more important. It's not.

lifeandtimes

Is it possible the child is in the autism spectrum.

Meltdowns due to different peppers sound lile she may be have something.

However as you distance yourself from her and don't talk to him about her I doubt it's something to being up.

You did know what she was like when you met her over the years so its not a new thing. It just annoys you now that she comes to your house to do. Realistically you should be her second family and if you aren't involved its just her going to her dads house he's technically just renting or living in as she won't see you as a step mother at all if you aren't there and you also mention not getting tied to someone again so I doubt you will get married but that's your own choice

You need to talk to him and decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with him as regardless what you think you can either take them as a package or cut your losses

ElizaBennett

I guess that's my question though. I accept what you're saying - but I need to know if this is a deal breaker or not. Do I have to cut my losses or are there people in successful relationships who have coped with similar situations?

We all know the ideal scenario is that I'm her second family or like a step mum but what if I don't want to be? Does that mean the end for our relationship? He and I don't talk about this in great depth because, as I said, I don't want to hurt his feelings and there's no way to tell someone you don't like spending time in their child's company and for them not to be hurt. But is it possible to have a happy life for all of us without the ideal scenario. You hit the nail on the head there when you mentioned renting. He does pay me rent (obviously) as it's my house and he's saving a massive fortune compared to when he was renting a three bed house on his own. If there was no rental or housing crisis we probably wouldn't live together as my ideal scenario would be us having our own homes. His daughter has a room of her own in my house, beautifully decorated with loads of toys and a cool bed. But when she's not there I tidy all her stuff back into her room and close the door and I just think of it as a room he rents from me. I totally know that this isn't ideal but I get zero pleasure from her company and it's a massive sacrifice for me to have her around. I know that's awful. Believe me.

On the autism thing, she's seeing a child psychologist because of bad behaviour at school but there has been no talk from anyone re autism. Teachers in her school reports talk about her having trouble listening to and respecting other children and she's extremely strong willed and bossy basically. She sometimes plays with my niece as they're the same age and my sister dreads her coming over too as she's so domineering and has to have everything her way. I don't know if I'd feel massively different about the imposition if she was a lovely sweet quiet child. Maybe I would maybe I wouldn't. Maybe the bad behaviour is the perfect excuse not to like her when the central issue is that I feel my life has been taken over:(

Xterminator

Hi Op

getting back to the issue of loving the child, perhaps the 1st step is to make friends with the child. Not a mother/daughter parent/child arrangement, but just friends. small steps, find some thing you both like and try to make a connection that way.

woodchuck

OP whether or not this is a deal breaker completely depends on how you and your partner feel about the situation. Can you be happy avoiding her for the rest of your life? Would your partner be happy with this? I know you said you haven't talked about it much with him, but he'd be blind not to notice that you're avoiding her. Maybe he's ok with this, but nobody here can tell you that. Maybe you need to have a difficult conversation with him about how you see your family unit evolving (or not) over the years?

December2012

GO easy on her; she's 7. Just because your daughters didn't behave that way doesn't mean there's something wrong with her.

She's not in her own home, and she has no connection with you because you don't spend any time with her (so how are you validly assessing what her behaviour is like?)

You are going down a path of being the distant stepmother.

Spend time with the child. Be patient. Be a friend.

Or else you'll make things worse in the long run.

carolmon

ElizaBennett wrote: »

Just to add, we live in a house that I own and I have no plans to re-marry or add him to the deeds as I feel too independent at this stage and don't really want to be legally tied to anyone again.

.

sorry it's not addressing your question but just a bit of advice to you to look into the new cohabitation laws.........basically after 5 years living together he may have a claim to your house married or not...........just be careful you know what you're getting into legally

andekwarhola

Even bratty kids can turn out fine.

And brattiness is kinda subjective at that age. Not all kids are the same.

In fact, having a positive female role model like you in her life would probably really help her.

From reading your post though, it just sounds like you have a major issue even with the idea of her (even as a part time guest) and using her behaviour is a justification.

It's not a criticism of you. It's obviously your call and that's how you feel but you need to be straight with him.

There's_no way_ I'd embark on a long term relationship with somebody that felt that way about my child.

ElizaBennett

Thanks, carolmon, I did know about that but not in great detail. my solicitor will advise me on it. He was a very good job so I think that's more a danger when someone is dependent but I do need to bear it in mind.

December2012 I never said there was anything wrong with her. I was responding to a question re autism. I suppose the bad behaviour is a bit of a red herring maybe. It's just my attempt to explain my negative feelings about her. If she was my flesh and blood I'd love her anyway so maybe it's not even relevant. My ultimate question is basically is it a problem if I'm distant as long as I'm polite and pleasant? Does it matter if she sees very little of me? As I've said, I have a LOT going on in my life and feel very stressed and depressed about my job and commute and my older son's mental health issue etc etc. We all have issues and problems. I can't take on any more and I feel resentment about my situation. I suppose that's the bottom line. I've had to take on more than I wanted to and I hoped I could keep his parenting issues at arms length but maybe I can't. I don't want to be a damaging influence on an innocent child but maybe even by being very distant and barely there I'll still doing damage. I don't know...

andekwarhola

Should be pointed out that obviously you're not the kids mother.

Maybe you're pushing yourself too hard into a mental corner about having to jump right in as a surrogate mother instead of just slowly getting to know the kid as her father's partner on the occasions she's in your house.

Also if she's staying in your house and you're in a long term relationship, your partner should be cool about you eventually having some low key say in discipline if she's misbehaving.

Colser

I think that you're handling it very well OP.

I think that 7yr. olds can be difficult to handle anyway and I'd definitely find that situation hard going.You're being very mature in that you're removing yourself from the situation rather putting your OH in an awkward position but should you have to do that when it's your house?

I don't think you have to love her at all but maybe as she gets older you'll grow fond of her as she should be easier to handle in the next year or two ,there's a big difference between a 7yr old and a 9-10yr old maturity wise imo.

I still feel that you've done so well having your own house,job,kids nearly reared ect.that you deserve to enjoy it every day and this little girl is going to be part of it for a long time regardless of her behaviour,would there be any chance that your OH could understand your predicament and move out again and rent elsewhere?Would it be a deal-breaker or even up for discussion?

ElizaBennett

Thanks colser, I really appreciate that acknowledgement. I do want to enjoy the peace of my own home that was hard won after a divorce. I don't want to be grumpy or mean around a child so that's why I leave father and daughter to themselves. And of course he notices but he's a very laid back person and just gets on with it.
We have occasionally reassessed things generally and skirted around the issue of him moving out again. It would break his heart but in all honesty id probably be happier. If money wasn't an issue I'd be strongly suggesting it but rent is at such a crazy level that it has to factor in.
This feedback has been incredibly helpful to me so thank you everyone. I didn't ask to be a step-mom and I told him that right from the start and I decided to try things with his daughter being a visitor but maybe that was never the right thing to do for any of our sakes. He was desperate for us to live together and I suppose I sleep walked into it.

Owryan

Does he know you are deliberately avoiding his child? Will he stay with you if he finds out that this was a choice you made. Whether you "love" her or not she is still his child and deserves to be treated right.

You have kids of your own so you know how difficult it is to form relationships with them. Ask yourself how you would feel if he started to ignore or avoid your children.

Hormoney1980

This comment probably won't be appreciated and sorry in advance but I don't think you should enter a serious long term relationship with a parent unless you're 100% ready and willing to accept their children.

Try to see things from this little girl's point of view... Children tend to simplify and self blame. Daddy prefers this lady to me and wants to be with her instead. I'm sure she can sense that she's not welcome in your home in the same way she is in her own home. That's not your fault but it would be crazy to expect model behaviour from her is this situation.

I personally would say invest in the relationship with the daughter or reassess the relationship with the father. (Keep in mind it's probably partly that he's a father that he's the wonderful man you fell in love with).

ElizaBennett

But that is his choice. He chose to move into my house and bring his child here every week. I'm not forcing him to. I absolutely do not expect him to love my teenage children and in a way it annoys me that I have the perspective to see how annoying my kids can be but he doesn't have the same ability. He never apologises for her bad behavior or acknowledges how big a challenge it must be for me and that makes things worse. Yes I'd be hurt if I thought he actively disliked my children and I wouldn't want them under the same roof but that's his choice to make. I think he knows I avoid her. He'd be blind not to but he never says it. Once I drove almost four hours to the west of Ireland for an evening and one night with a friend as I couldn't handle a whole weekend around his child. He sometimes things it's him I need space from and that makes me sad but how could I tell him the truth?

ElizaBennett

Hormones1980 I totally get what you're saying and appreciate the input. These are things I need to hear. I guess I'm waiting for someone to say it doesn't matter that you don't like your partner's child but maybe no one will. And that's useful to know

Hormoney1980

I think you should move on. You're making compromises in this relationship that you're clearly unhappy with and if you push the "me or her" agenda you're potentially alienating a little girl from her father. You've done the young kids stage, time to be selfish, which you can't be in this relationship.

Edit: I don't mean to suggest that would be an easy decision though for you, you're obviously with him for very good reasons.

marklazarcovic

I was in a similar situation, kid was 4 ,on the spectrum,ADHD.. wild as fcuk.. tantrums in shops ,everywhere, was tough going, 12 years later I'm not with the kids parent after 11 years but will always be there for the kid,kid respects me , has grown to be a fine young adult, I'm certainly glad I met them,and proud of the kid.

We get on great ,didn't always,there is hope.

the girl will grow up,if you plan on being with her dad long term you gotta make the effort with her,if you can't then do all of ye a favor and end it.


My advice is not to. Give it a proper go.

Tigger99

I wonder is he choosing not to see how this affects you as it means he has a home cost free.

I would be pretty annoyed if my partner didn't even acknowledge her crappy behaviour. Yeah she's a child, possibly with behavioural issues but I honestly think if he acknowledged how much of a sacrifice you make in terms of your space (physical and mental) it might make the whole thing easier for you. Even if her behaviour didn't change in the short term. Or even if he tried to reassure you that hopefully it'll pass.

I get that the child has to be his first priority but you sound like a very distant second.

Honestly I think you need to broach this with him and ask his advice. You are carrying all this anxiety about the situation and you deserve to be able to share it with him.

andekwarhola

Colser wrote: »

would there be any chance that your OH could understand your predicament and move out again and rent elsewhere?Would it be a deal-breaker or even up for discussion?

I'd be amazed if many separated people here with young kids would be cool with a new girlfriend (that they were very serious about) saying, you want to move in but I prefer you rented your own place at huge expense when I have a empty house because I dislike your kid so much I don't want her in my house and I organise my spare time to avoid her.

You need to be telling him all this and not a forum, OP and be honest with the guy. There's no shame in feeling as you do but it's going to end in tears if it's not broached.

I'd certainly want to know.

Colser

If you leave his daughter out of the scenario OP would you be happy to be living separately anyway?I get the impression that you realise that you have your house after a divorce which probably wasn't easy,you realise the importance and peace of mind that brings and it might suit you to live there without your OH being there full time?

Not being harsh but the price of rent is his issue and your happiness in your home is your issue.I'd probably be putting myself first tbh and I don't think that's a selfish thing to do in this case.

lifeandtimes

Colser wrote: »

.I'd probably be putting myself first tbh and I don't think that's a selfish thing to do in this case.

Well it is and it isn't.

He didn't surprise her with a child,she knew he had one.

He didn't force her to let him move it,it was her choice to say yes it no.

She continued a relationship with a father and intentionally has distanced herself from him and the child.

To be honest op you don't even sound like you love this guy,you haven't really said anything nice about him,you refer to him as someone who rents in your house when really after 3 years it should be both your home, a home where a family lives and you even say you would prefer for him to live elsewhere.
After 3 years you should be living together and planning your future and you're doing everything in your power including driving across the country to stay away from him and his child.

I suggest you break up with him and have your peaceful house and he can find someone to love and live with who wants a relationship with his child

Owryan

Looks to me you are looking for someone to back you up and justify your actions. Whether you like it or not his daughter is part of his life.

If you cannot accept that then you really need to think about where you and him are going.

IHeartShoes

Really not seeing the issue here. The little girl has a (presumably) loving Mother aswell as her Father. There is no reason for you to be close to the child. I'm sure you're interested in her well being in so far as how her Father would be affected if she were unwell or should anything happen to her. That's all that's required here, IMO.

My child has a step Mother. My daughter is older now but she would have been about 14 when she started interacting closely with her. i.e staying in their home regularly. They do not particular like one another. They tolerate one another is probably the best description. They are civil and share space as they have to. I know of another relationships where the daughter actively hates the step mum (unduely influenced by own mum). They avoid one another completely as a result. All are accepting and get on with it.

I know these examples involve teens but it doesn't have to be a deal breaker. I think it's entirely possible to co exist with this child. But you probably can't sustain 4 hour journeys to avoid her for one night. Let her Dad deal with the unruly behaviour. Ignore it, walk away. Whatever you need to do. Take the 'not my circus, not my monkies attitude' and be happy with your BF. Be a shame to throw away an otherwise great relationship for that reason.

Good luck:)

ElizaBennett

Thanks for all the responses. Yes she does have a loving mother and a really great relationship with her dad as well as great extended family, grandparents etc. So she doesn't need me particularly.

As to the question of whether I'd be happier living alone, that could well be the case. I've been really down since I posted this as there's been a bit of negativity about our relationship and suggestion we should split. And maybe we should. I can't give everything to him and I don't think I could to any relationship after being divorced. I'm mad about him and we have such a great time together when we're alone but the pressures of trying to integrate our families are too much for me at times.
There are a few on here who think the relationship is worth keeping in spite of me not enjoying the presence of his child. But others who think I should love her because I love him. To those who have made kind suggestions as to how I might build a bond with her, you're unfortunately missing the point. That was never my question. I don't want to. It's that simple. I just want to know if we can all still have a happy life if I hardly see her.

ash23

ElizaBennett wrote: »

To those who have made kind suggestions as to how I might build a bond with her, you're unfortunately missing the point. That was never my question. I don't want to. It's that simple. I just want to know if we can all still have a happy life if I hardly see her.

No I don't believe that you can. She is his child. A huge part of his life and someone that he loves dearly. She is in the home you share with him a few times a week. You don't have to love her but imo, you can't ignore her or pretend she doesn't exist and hope for a happy and healthy relationship with him.
I say this as a person with a child and a new partner who also has a child. I don't see any way a relationship could work where one party wants nothing to do with a partners child.

December2012

ElizaBennett wrote: »

I can't give everything to him and I don't think I could to any relationship after being divorced. I'm mad about him and we have such a great time together when we're alone but the pressures of trying to integrate our families are too much for me at times.
There are a few on here who think the relationship is worth keeping in spite of me not enjoying the presence of his child. But others who think I should love her because I love him. To those who have made kind suggestions as to how I might build a bond with her, you're unfortunately missing the point. That was never my question. I don't want to. It's that simple. I just want to know if we can all still have a happy life if I hardly see her.

So you're never going to want to share in ocaddions together like Christmas or her fathers birthday?

You say you've a lot in your plate so maybe the depression you mentioned and the concern for your own child's mental health has you feeling that right now you've nothing more to give. But do you have to give with her? Surely being in company is sufficient for now?