Will I ever love my partner's child?

Owryan

ElizaBennett wrote: »

To those who have made kind suggestions as to how I might build a bond with her, you're unfortunately missing the point. That was never my question. I don't want to. It's that simple. I just want to know if we can all still have a happy life if I hardly see her.

Yet the title of your thread asks if you can ever love your partner's child. One contradicts the other.

I think you need to tell him that you want a relationship with him but not with his daughter. Be straight with him and lay it all out.

It's only fair on him and for his child. Imagine how it must feel having to go to a house where she is not wanted. She might be young but she will pick up on this if she hasn't already. Do you own kids have the same attitude towards her? If they also live with you who looks after them when you go hiding?

ElizaBennett

Point taken about the thread title - I suppose it's not apt. I guess I wonder if I might grow to like her more as time goes on, as she gets older as some have suggested. It's not that I never ever see her. Of course I do. I just plan my time so it's in short bursts. Eg, if he has her the weekend, I'll see her Friday evening and then Saturday morning for maybe half an hour and then I bring my daughter to football training. We'd stop by back at the house for a short while and might see her for an hour at lunch and then I'll drop my daughter to meet her Dad. Then it's my time so I'll meet a friend or go for a run or arrange things. If there's something coming up for me, I'll always consult the calendar and plan to do it on a weekend when he has his child. I love nothing better than being alone in the house as life is so busy (a lot of people feel that way) so if there's an appointment or something I need to do or get done or someone to meet I will always do it when partner's child is in the house as why would I waste the opportunity to stay home when she's not there. He has her every second weekend and a night during the week every other week. Longer periods during holidays.
My older child is an adult in college and the younger one goes to her Dad's every weekend after football so I don't have to worry about them. How do they feel about her? My son is 20 and he thinks she's funny and cute. He loves kids but he obviously doesn't have to deal with behaviour and basically passes in and out of the room now and then. She's a little in awe of him so they just have nice short brief exchanges. No issue there. My daughter is 14 and is not into babies and young children and never has been. She's perfectly polite to her and answers her questions etc but has never actively given her attention of her own accord or played with her. It's a big age gap and I've always been very very concerned about her feelings in all this and not wanting her to think for one second that I'm imposing a new sister on her or forcing her together with someone she has no choice with. In the same way I would never make her spend time with my partner and I take her on holidays separately and we don't do stuff like that together at all. We are not a family. He's my boyfriend and we both have kids. Yes we live together but that may only be temporary and I won't commit to anything more.
I completely accept that his child may pick up that she's not wanted and that makes me feel incredibly guilty. But then I tell myself, she's his responsibility. Not mine. He's her father and he must decide what's best for her. He knows I'm incredibly independent and he can move out any time and I won't try to stop him so it's his choice.

ElizaBennett

The question re Christmas and occasions: He has an agreement with his ex that she always stays with her mum xmas day, regardless of the timetable. He sometimes has her xmas eve or Stephen's day and will go visit her on the day itself so I never see her on Christmas day. Just to be clear, I have never laid down the law about her coming to the house. We go by the access calendar and that's how it works. But the way I cope is to plan plan plan and make sure I am busy when she's around so that I breeze in and out of the room and ask how she is, compliment her art work etc and then head off again. I know we should go on walks and picnics etc, and we used to before he moved in but now I just feel she's taken over so much of my headspace and physical space, that I'm not willing to give any more than I absolutely have to. We would never in a million years holiday together or even go away for a night to his parents etc. He would adore to but he knows not to even suggest it. If we were on a plane together or in a hotel I would hate people to think she was my child as she's so badly behaved and I'm sure they'd wonder why I was standing idly by and not disciplining her.

I feel like the time has come that I have to make a very hard decision but I just think that, being realistic, if I suggest he moves out and he has to move really far away (quite likely as his daughter is an hour's drive away and he's going to want to at least reap the benefit of being near her rather than having to commute from mine) then we'll probably just break up. He'll feel he's been demoted from partner back to boyfriend and he'll be heartbroken. And it would probably be kinder if I didn't keep him hanging on forever and just let him go.

Lead

I dont think the question is will you ever love his child. I think the question is will you ever love him? You're with this man 3 years and living together. He should be your partner but it sounds like you just see him as someone getting in your way now. After 3 years i would think you'd want to share you life with him. Not getting him to move out to his own place after making the step to move in.

It's your partner i feel sorry for. You really need to sit down and explain everything to him, be totally honest. Including the fact you want him to get his own place. That way he can make the choice to move on from you if he chooses.

ElizaBennett

]I dont think the question is will you ever love his child. I think the question is will you ever love him? You're with this man 3 years and living together. He should be your partner but it sounds like you just see him as someone getting in your way now. After 3 years i would think you'd want to share you life with him. Not getting him to move out to his own place after making the step to move in.

It's your partner i feel sorry for. You really need to sit down and explain everything to him, be totally honest. Including the fact you want him to get his own place. That way he can make the choice to move on from you if he chooses.


You're probably right. But I needed to be told this. I can't have this conversation with my friends or family as it wouldn't feel right to talk about him so I have to do it here until it's clear in my head.
I do sometimes wonder if I could actually love him and treat him the way I do. A few months ago he got an injury and needed surgery on his leg. He was in a cast and off work for months. Driving home from the hospital I was so incredibly angry that I felt I now had three children to mind. I didn't have loving feelings towards him during that time at all and that has haunted me and made me wonder if I can call this love at all.
We live with all sorts of crazy rules I've made, like he can't be in the house when I get back from being away at a conference or on holidays as I want the house to myself when I return and I resent being 'welcomed' back into my own home. This is so messed up. I can't really love him at all - not in any conventional way. I don't want to know about his problems. I only want the good stuff. He's a lovely person so that has made it easier to continue but I often worry that he'll put up with almost any crap from me as he loves me so much and that's not good. It means he doesn't make the right decisions for him or his daughter.

Lead

Look this is all making you so miserable. I think you need to have this talk sooner rather than later as you'll go demented. Time to move on i think. Best of luck with it all, it wont be easy on any of you but it is for the best.

SusieBlue

The way you talk about this child is very cold and detached and frankly worrying. I don't see how you could possibly expect to have a normal, healthy, long term relationship with her father when you feel such unnatural disdain for her. The child has almost definitely picked up on this herself as well.

What saddens me is that I get the impression your partner has wholeheartedly accepted your children. I see you saying you never forced them to spend time together etc. but regardless, he doesn't treat your children the way you treat his. I realise your children are older and are more mature but I still don't doubt they can both be a pain in the ass from time to time and you don't see your partner running for the hills.

You mentioned how you have no intention of ever going on a family holiday or ever going on a weekend to his parents with the child - this speaks volumes. Your partner probably thinks you are still adjusting to the situation which is why he isn't pushing anything. You aren't putting any effort in with this child so rather than growing to like her, you are going to end up hating her and it'll fester inside of you.

You need to lay all this out to your partner. He deserves to know what his future holds before deciding whether he wants to go forward into the future with you. You need to tell him you will continue to make plans to avoid the child, you won't be making any effort to improve the relationship and you have no intention of ever going on holidays as a family or pursue any other normal family activities. If he is ok with this, and is happy to go forward under these conditions, at least you are both on the same page.

Blended families are difficult, I get that. But he has a child and you cannot expect to have a relationship with him while rejecting his child. It won't work, long term.

I would say I empathise but I honestly can't, I would never get into a relationship with someone if I couldn't bear the mere presence of his child. I feel sorry for the childs mother sending her daughter off to her fathers every week only to be totally rejected by her stepmother. You wouldn't like for your children to be treated like that.

noodler

Owryan wrote: »

Yet the title of your thread asks if you can ever love your partner's child. One contradicts the other.

I think you need to tell him that you want a relationship with him but not with his daughter. Be straight with him and lay it all out.

It's only fair on him and for his child. Imagine how it must feel having to go to a house where she is not wanted. She might be young but she will pick up on this if she hasn't already. Do you own kids have the same attitude towards her? If they also live with you who looks after them when you go hiding?

God, as a man I can't imagine ever asking this of a woman with a child.

Unless I am essentially ending the relationship.

Foweva Awone

OP it's great that you can admit to your feelings and issues; for many it would be too "taboo" to acknowledge such thoughts. Would you consider going for counselling? It might help to get another perspective on it all. I definitely wouldn't go rushing to end the relationship; you clearly care about him a lot.

ElizaBennett

Thanks for allowing there might be hope, Foweva Awone. We've often talked about going to counselling together but I just think that hearing the things that would be dredged up for me would be very painful for him and he could never unhear them. But maybe I could benefit from going on my own. This thread is very therapeutic but it's making me question our whole future. We're still so in love and have the most amazing sex either of us have ever had. We're mad about each other and I was hoping it would be enough that his child has two loving parents and that I could just be a pleasant but distant person she occasionally sees. I suppose that would work if we weren't actually living together but maybe it really can't when we are. My sister has been with her partner for over 20 years and only visit his parents once a year at Christmas and then only cause she has to. She likes them but she's just anti-social. They don't have kids and she hates hanging out with loads of people at family occasions etc. It works for them. He's mad about her and they have a lovely relationship. I was hoping I could make this work in something like the same way. That I could be accepted as just being eccentric maybe. My partner adores me to the point where he would do absolutely anything for me and would rather be with me than anywhere else. And I very much have the attitude 'it's my way or the highway' unfortunately. He's 9 years younger than me and he just knows that I'm unyielding and he's happy to accept that. But I don't feel comfortable with how things are and need to question the whole thing.

Labcoats and Running Shoes

ElizaBennett wrote: »

My partner adores me to the point where he would do absolutely anything for me and would rather be with me than anywhere else. And I very much have the attitude 'it's my way or the highway' unfortunately. He's 9 years younger than me and he just knows that I'm unyielding and he's happy to accept that. But I don't feel comfortable with how things are and need to question the whole thing.

OP - you keep referring to him as your partner, but he's not really. I'm sorry if that sounds a bit harsh. A partner is someone that you share both good and bad with, who you can lean on when you need help. They're with you every step of the way. It sounds like what you have is a man who is in love with you while you're just enjoying the really great sex. A long-lasting and healthy relationship isn't solely built on being super attracted to someone and having lots of good sex. You don't seem to care for him at all really. You ask him to leave home (yes yes, you own it, but he pays you rent to live there so it's his home too!) when you come back from a holiday/work trip/whatever. He had surgery and all you could feel was anger towards him for needing a bit more help. You don't like his child and don't want to make an effort with her. You resent both of them for living in your house. OP, what are you getting from this relationship aside from sex? It doesn't sound like you like him let alone love him. It sounds like what you want is a fck buddy. It's not fair on either of you to be in this situation. He doesn't understand that you won't "come around" to being a family. If I were you I'd take a good hard look at my relationship and what I wanted from it and whether you two are actually compatible in the long term.

LegacyUser

Do you need to love her? No she's not your child but the issue isn't the child, it's your relationship with your partner. You've not discussed this issue with him at all which speaks volumes about your relationship. You don't have to be involved in her life as long as you don't do anything to impact on his relationship and frankly if you don't speak to him about it that will happen. All this talk about the child yet it's the adults are acting more like children. Not wanting to have hard conversations means you have doubts as to how strong the relationship actually is. You mentioned you've been together for 3 years and you've known the child for 3 years which implies there was no build up to meeting her. Most parents wouldn't introduce children to new partners until they knew the relationship is long term. Sounds like you've both rushed into a relationship and expected everyone else to adapt to it and of course the then 4 year old didn't react the way you wanted.

Try being the grown and talking to your OH.

woodchuck

Ok obviously it seems now the relationship itself is in jeopardy and your feelings about his child are only one part of it

ElizaBennett wrote: »

We've often talked about going to counselling together but I just think that hearing the things that would be dredged up for me would be very painful for him and he could never unhear them.

He NEEDS to hear these things though, however difficult it might be for him. You both need to face reality here. You say you love him, but then you say you don't want to know about his problems. So you love him in good times, but not in bad? I'm sorry, but you can't pick and choose like that! You need to accept him as a whole or not at all.

And frankly, some of your behaviour sounds quite controlling (e.g. not allowing him in the house after you've been away). Maybe you're just more suited to an independent lifestyle?

ElizaBennett

Yes I am controlling. I won't deny that. Very much so. None of this is healthy and it's destroying my mental health and probably his too though we never fight or talk about things properly. When I feel overwhelmed and trapped and smothered by him and our relationship (which I do quite often) I just go quiet and try block everything out. Not good.
We definitely need to talk about the future. I genuinely want to be with him and I imagine that one day we'll commit (maybe get married as he asks me all the time) but I see those things as being very far away. At least five years maybe. He seems prepared to wait but I'm just too stressed by us living together. It's not working. I see that now. Some very harsh home truths have been given here but I needed to hear them so thanks. I don't think anyone has said anything that doesn't have some truth in it, as hard as some of it was to hear.

heretochat

Harsh as this may sound but this thread title should read - Can I ever love anyone other than myself?

OP I don't mean to bash you but you come across as very cold, very self-centred and completely without any empathy for anyone - your boyfried (as others have said he is anything but a partner), his poor 7 year old child (yes she is an innocent child).

Everything is about you - how you feel, what you want to do, your house, your rules, your time.. I do not see where your BF figures in all this at all.

From what I can see he is only there to keep you sexually satisfied and he could be anyone as long as you get your satisfaction.

The mental damage you are causing to a young child cannot be underestimated.

If you have an ounce of decency (and I am not seeing it in any of your posts), let this chap go so he can at least get his daughter away from someone who treats her so horribly.

lifeandtimes

ElizaBennett wrote: »

It's not working. I see that now

It's a simple as that OP.

You should be happy,you're not.

Sit this man down and let him go. Give him time to find some where to move too as it's the least you can do and the market is mental. This man loves you with all his heart and will do anything for you and the same can't be said for you so give him that.

I'm sorry but I feel really sad reading this thread,it's like a love story that doesn't have a happy ending and I just hope that this man finds someone who loves him and his daughter as much as he loves you and you find your happiness in your solitude

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

meeeeh

You are avoiding the house when his daughter is over. You want him out of the house when you come home after being away for a few days. And you want a relationship like your sister's, visiting her inlaws once per year. Someone's child is not like their parents that you can visit once per year and then forget about them. You want the type of a relationship you could have with childless man who lives in his own house. That is not possible with the man you are with and I don't think you are capable to compromise or you wouldn't be avoiding your own home when 7 years old child is there.

You say that your partner is prepared to accommodate you and give you space. I don't believe someone could be so blind and not see that their partner is actively avoiding the house when child is visiting or be so eager to please they would stay out of their home when you need space without feeling hard done by it. I wouldn't be surprised if current rental situation is the reason you have such a devoted, accommodating partner.

You have to talk to him and see if there is an arrangement both of you could be happy with because this is not working. There is nothing wrong with wanting independent life but you have to be honest about what you want. And BTW I don't think this specific child is a problem, I think any child would be a problem.

ElizaBennett

Heretochat, I think that may be an exaggeration to say I'm treating her horribly. I have never been unfriendly or hostile to her and never tell her off when she misbehaves. I just don't see her very much. She is a very happy and gregarious child with two parents who idolise her and give her all of their attention so I don't think I'm a significant presence in her life at all. Her parents were separated before she was born and she only knows things the way they are now. Her dad had a different gf before me who he lived with. I don't believe she's suffering but I do agree it's not an ideal scenario by any stretch and it's probably true that if I loved him enough I would care for her more. As things stand, if he and I break up I won't be at all upset to never see her again. I'm afraid that's the truth.

I want to be happy and I think we all deserve to be. I probably do come across quite cold on here, as you say, but maybe that's just because I'm trying to get to the nub of the issue with the help of all of you and I appreciate the input. I am self-centred and I want to cut down on the stresses in my life. I see it's not fair to involve someone else in that and it's making he and I unhappy. He just emailed me from work to say he's going to his parents for the weekend to get out of my hair and give me the alone time I crave. Maybe I'm not made to live with anyone. My ex husband might agree:(

Foweva Awone

I'm going to go against the majority here and say that it potentially COULD work, but not if the lack of communication about each of your expectations continues.

If overall you're happy about what you are and aren't getting from the relationship, who cares if it's not traditional? I think really you just need to clarify for yourself what it is you want, and get some confidence in your life choices. That's where a good counsellor could really help you. You could also ask a counsellor to do individual sessions with you first, then a couples session down the line, so you could chat with the counsellor first about what you are comfortable talking about with him there.

The daughter sounds like she's doing alright (if maybe a bit of a brat!) but at the end of the day, her father is the one who needs to be looking out for her welfare, not you. I wouldn't go selflessly rushing into ending a relationship which seems relatively smooth otherwise because you feel bad about your (lack of) feelings towards her.

woodchuck

ElizaBennett wrote: »

Maybe I'm not made to live with anyone. My ex husband might agree:(

What went wrong with your ex husband? Is it possible there's a pattern repeating itself here?

ElizaBennett

What went wrong with your ex husband? Is it possible there's a pattern repeating itself here?


Not a pattern really but I learned to clam up and be uncommunicative with him as he's a very aggressive person (my family hated him whereas they love this guy, which is telling.) I've been so proud of myself for not ending up with the same kind of difficult and unloving and critical man. Instead I've met someone incredibly kind and sweet and I'd hate to throw that away. But my ex would say I'm cold and unemotional but I'd argue he made me that way by shouting me down and making it impossible to try communicate. Anyway.. I'm a bit stuck in my ways after 20 years of marriage, at least half of which were unhappy. I guess that's led to me only wanting to pick and choose the good stuff.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

ElizaBennett

Foweva Awone you seem to be one of the few who feels it isn't my responsibility to take care of this child's emotional needs etc. I was hoping I could convince myself of that. That she's got enough great adults who love her that she can get by fine with only thinking of me as a smiling nice woman who has very little to do with her. I'll always get her great birthday presents and give her holiday money etc - stuff kids care about. I tell myself why would she even care if I was affectionate to her or wanted to spend time with her or not? But I keep coming back to the question of if I love him enough. And the evidence might suggest I don't. But when we're alone together it's just lovely. But yes it's always on my terms.

LLMMLL

OP you aren't the "norm", maybe similar to your sister. You like your own space etc. You're never going to be one of those people whose lives revolve around their relationship. Lots of people won't get that and think you're not really in love etc.

It's certainly possible to be in a relationship like this, but it's only really fair of the person is like you and wants the same. I know people who are so crazy about their non-standard partners that they'll put up with anything to be with them, and this sounds like what your partner is doing.

I think you take it a step further. I fully support a "I'm non-standard and shouldn't have to 100% compromise my personality to fit in" approach but you have a "as long as I'm happy I don't really care" approach. It comes across a little ****ty to be honest.

I know I wouldn't like (as an adult) if everytime I visited a house, one of the residents had to leave. I hugely doubt it's harmless to the child that this happens.

You're very analytical and I think you know your "everything my way" attitude is extremely selfish. When you analyse your own behaviour and see that it's negative does it not make you want to try and change it?

heretochat

ElizaBennett wrote: »

I'll always get her great birthday presents and give her holiday money etc - stuff kids care about.

Cold way of analysing a child's needs right there. I am sure the child would rather feel welcome in a pace where her Dad lives and where she has to spend some time.

As I said in my last post I really pity this child.

And her Dad getting out of there is probably the best thing he can do for himself and her.

Relationships cannot be sustained on the basis of one person's terms only. That amounts to bullying in my eyes. The age difference is telling here in my opinion.

woodchuck

ElizaBennett wrote: »

What went wrong with your ex husband? Is it possible there's a pattern repeating itself here?


Not a pattern really but I learned to clam up and be uncommunicative with him as he's a very aggressive person (my family hated him whereas they love this guy, which is telling.) I've been so proud of myself for not ending up with the same kind of difficult and unloving and critical man. Instead I've met someone incredibly kind and sweet and I'd hate to throw that away. But my ex would say I'm cold and unemotional but I'd argue he made me that way by shouting me down and making it impossible to try communicate. Anyway.. I'm a bit stuck in my ways after 20 years of marriage, at least half of which were unhappy. I guess that's led to me only wanting to pick and choose the good stuff.

Is it possible you've now gone the completely opposite direction and picked a complete push over? Tbh that's what he sounds like. I can't imagine many adult men putting up with being told when they can and can't be in the house.

I'm not saying there's no hope for the relationship, but based purely on what you've told us here, it doesn't sound like you really love him. If there is any hope of salvaging the relationship though, I think professional counselling may be the way to go.

meeeeh

ElizaBennett wrote: »

Foweva Awone you seem to be one of the few who feels it isn't my responsibility to take care of this child's emotional needs etc. I was hoping I could convince myself of that. That she's got enough great adults who love her that she can get by fine with only thinking of me as a smiling nice woman who has very little to do with her.

Op it's not that you have responsibility to take care of her emotional needs, you don't want to be in the same house as her. I'm sure you are treating her perfectly well, you are not some wicked step mother but you are not happy. Can you see yourself making arrangements for next ten years to avoid spending too much time with her?

December2012

i think there is nothing wrong with you wanting to spend your own child-free time alone. For example, when my children are on a sleepover I certainly don't want to go to my friends house where their children are - that is my golden time!

So I can understand that you make your arrangements around the access calendar, and don't want to step into the role of parenting / disciplining somebody else's child. That's grand.

But I still think that maybe you know that something in your situation isn't right, and you're trying to figure out what it is. I wonder if you initially thought when you posted that it was to do with your connection or lack thereof to the child, and now you are considering that may be it is something more to do with you, and nothing at all to do with the child herself.

Maybe you don't have the headspace right now to figure out exactly what can make you feel better? Maybe this is something that you could talk through with a therapist or a counsellor yourself. It seems like you and your boyfriend are at a stage of your relationship where things may progress, and you are anxious about that.

I certainly don't think all is lost, but it may require some work for you to do on yourself, to help think about what you actually do want, and what you are willing to compromise on. Eg, why would anybody think badly of you if your child misbehaved? Children misbehave sometimes. I have a child older than that and when I see a kid having a tantrum or being bold I certainly don't judge the parents. To be honest I don't judge the child either. I just know that its a normal thing and it will pass, and it has nothing to do with me. Most people wont care at all, so I wonder are you concerned about optics? Also, you are not required to be a parent to her, unless your partner is asking you to. You are to be her friend, and that's it.

ElizaBennett

The way I sometimes think of it is this (And I won't be popular for admitting this..) Attractiveness wise he's a 10 to me and I'm drawn to him in every way. But when he has his daughter his attractiveness drops right back down to a 1 or 2. In other words I just don't want to be there. He adores her but he lets her treat him badly and shout instructions at him and she's so unpleasant to have around that I just would rather not see either of them until she's gone. Does that mean I don't love him? I don't know.

Do I want to try and change how I am? I really don't know, is the honest answer. Not really. But this situation is making me like myself less and that's not good. I can't seem to change. I was never a person who loved kids. I love my own more than anything in the world but even my niece I can take or leave tbh. I care about her welfare but I don't enjoy being around her. Young children are extremely annoying most of the time. I'm done with all that. I don't want to do it again. Especially not with a badly behaved one who isn't even related to me. I keep going back and forth - is it her or is it the whole relationship and how smothered he makes me feel?

I just know I could cope way better with her if I was visiting her in her own territory, as it used to be when we first met and he had his own home. It's' the fact that she's encroaching on my hard won space and bringing her mayhem to my safe haven that's killing me. I've emailed him and said we should put some time aside to talk this weekend rather than him go away. We don't get the opportunity much and she's actually away on holidays with her mum this weekend so we would actually have time to ourselves to talk and that's what I'm going to have to do.