Will I ever love my partner's child?

Permabear

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Faith

ElizaBennett wrote: »

What went wrong with your ex husband? Is it possible there's a pattern repeating itself here?


Not a pattern really but I learned to clam up and be uncommunicative with him as he's a very aggressive person (my family hated him whereas they love this guy, which is telling.) I've been so proud of myself for not ending up with the same kind of difficult and unloving and critical man. Instead I've met someone incredibly kind and sweet and I'd hate to throw that away. But my ex would say I'm cold and unemotional but I'd argue he made me that way by shouting me down and making it impossible to try communicate. Anyway.. I'm a bit stuck in my ways after 20 years of marriage, at least half of which were unhappy. I guess that's led to me only wanting to pick and choose the good stuff.

Isn't it interesting that you've gone from being in a relationship with a critical and unloving man, to being in a relationship with someone you're critical and unloving towards? The roles we move through in life are fascinating.

I'd think that therapy would be useful for you, particularly of a cognitive analytic nature, if you could get it.

Dial Hard

I think you're fixating on your partner's child as the issue here, OP, when imo she's not really, or at least not the only one. You've already admitted that even if she wasn't around, you would resent the imposition on your life that your partner living with you causes. This is the real issue, imo, and it's what you really need to be focussing on. Take his daughter out of the equation altogether and ask yourself can you ever see yourself loving this man unconditionally and treating him as an equal, with all the compromises and whatnot required to do so?

If not, you have your answer.

heretochat

heretochat wrote: »

I am sure the child would rather feel welcome in a pace where her Dad lives and where she has to spend some time.

OP, I've read the whole thread and it seems clear to me that moving in together was a mistake for you. You followed the "normal" natural progression of a relationship and it's clear you weren't ready for that.

If it was just the problems with the daughter, it could be addressed, a little discipline goes a long way and I can see how a man allowing himself to be bullied by a 7 year old may not be attractive.

But what you say about "your way or the highway" and certain scenarios where he has to take himself out of his own home to keep you happy are very unfair on him. Not only is he daughter not really welcome in "your" home but your partner isn't 100% welcome there.

There's nothing wrong with valuing your independence and craving peace and stability in your own home, but when you move in with someone you invite them into your life, warts and all, and I don't think you're up for that in the long term.

Wurly

ElizaBennett wrote: »

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I do sometimes wonder if I could actually love him and treat him the way I do. A few months ago he got an injury and needed surgery on his leg. He was in a cast and off work for months. Driving home from the hospital I was so incredibly angry that I felt I now had three children to mind. I didn't have loving feelings towards him during that time at all and that has haunted me and made me wonder if I can call this love at all.
We live with all sorts of crazy rules I've made, like he can't be in the house when I get back from being away at a conference or on holidays as I want the house to myself when I return and I resent being 'welcomed' back into my own home. This is so messed up. I can't really love him at all - not in any conventional way. I don't want to know about his problems. I only want the good stuff. He's a lovely person so that has made it easier to continue but I often worry that he'll put up with almost any crap from me as he loves me so much and that's not good. It means he doesn't make the right decisions for him or his daughter.

To be honest - he sounds co-dependent and you sound narcissistic. Your lack of empathy for both your partner and his daughter is starkly apparent.

I am not judging you or shaming you, here. It simply is what it is.

Do you know what makes you happy and what you are looking for? The best place to start is to notice all the things you don't want so that you can understand what you do want.

After a divorce and everything else, perhaps it's sweet freedom you need for a while? That way, you can figure your needs and feelings out without the added pressure of extra responsibilities. The undercurrent of your post is a desperate need for freedom. Honour that need because it won't go away and you will continue to act destructively in order to fulfil the need in covert ways.

So it really is time to honour you and your needs.

If you feel detached from your needs and don't know what they are, a relationship is not a good idea for you right now.

I get the sense you're overwhelmed. Listen to your body and take a step back from all this. Your very next step is deep self reflection, I think.

Best of luck.x

ElizaBennett

Thanks Wurly - that's really really helpful. I was very happy after my marriage ended as I'd been dreading the process so much. I had one incredible year where I was finally in control of my life and my space and I was exercising a lot and just intensely happy. Then I fell in love with my bf and though I was worried about how he'd fit into my life, once I introduced him to my kids we just got on with it and I stayed over two nights a week. That was one of the happiest times in my life. Then things changed when his rent went up and he just couldn't sustain the cost in the part of Dublin he was in. I felt we'd want to live together some day so it just got brought forward. I felt physically ill the day he moved in and was like demon with all the moving and stuff everywhere. It was a horrible day. I loved him but I didn't want this. I felt pushed into it. I knew he'd be in a desperate situation if he didn't move in with me and probably have to move in with a pal or share a room and lose access to his child. So he moved in. but I've been battling to stay sane since then. I try to put up with it. Console myself with all he brings to the relationship and to our home. But I'd give up his cooking and helping out and lifts for my daughter to football etc etc etc in a heartbeat to have the house to myself again. To go back to how it was. But I don't think we can go back now

ElizaBennett

Isn't it interesting that you've gone from being in a relationship with a critical and unloving man, to being in a relationship with someone you're critical and unloving towards? The roles we move through in life are fascinating.

Rather cutting remark - the first I've found just gratuitously hurtful in all this. 'Fascinating' to the observer maybe but rather different when you're living it.

blacklilly

Seriously OP you need to go to counselling, forget couples counselling, you need to go alone. There has to be some underlying issues as to why this is such a problem for you.

I'm not sure what this man is getting from his relationship with you. It's terribly sad to read your posts, there's little or no emotion in them. How would you feel if he felt such contempt towards your children?

I cannot comprehend how a woman can have such strong feelings towards an innocent 7 year old who lets face it, hasn't had an easy time if she has lived through her parents separation.

Whether you wish to acknowledge it or not, you are a blended family, this was your choice, you went in with your eyes open. The way to treat his child is no doubt rubbing off on your own children. My god, honestly the more I think about, the more awful it is.

Please get some help and let this man and his child live a happy, loving life.

ElizaBennett

blacklilly wrote: »

Seriously OP you need to go to counselling, forget couples counselling, you need to go alone. There has to be some underlying issues as to why this is such a problem for you.

I'm not sure what this man is getting from his relationship with you. It's terribly sad to read your posts, there's little or no emotion in them. How would you feel if he felt such contempt towards your children?

I cannot comprehend how a woman can have such strong feelings towards an innocent 7 year old who lets face it, hasn't had an easy time if she has lived through her parents separation.

Whether you wish to acknowledge it or not, you are a blended family, this was your choice, you went in with your eyes open. The way to treat his child is no doubt rubbing off on your own children. My god, honestly the more I think about, the more awful it is.

Please get some help and let this man and his child live a happy, loving life.

She hasn't 'lived through her parents' separation' - please read my posts. She has never known different and has been brought up by a loving mother and father who have never lived together in her life.
And maybe if you saw yourself how horrendous her behaviour if you'd be less inclined to judge me. My own family and friends are gobsmacked at how awful her behaviour is and its' because she's been spoilt rotten all though out her life - not my fault. Her mother and father both treat her like a 2 year old and baby her and I have no idea how to solve that as I'm not her parent.

blacklilly

ElizaBennett wrote: »

She hasn't 'lived through her parents' separation' - please read my posts. She has never known different and has been brought up by a loving mother and father who have never lived together in her life.
And maybe if you saw yourself how horrendous her behaviour if you'd be less inclined to judge me. My own family and friends are gobsmacked at how awful her behaviour is and its' because she's been spoilt rotten all though out her life - not my fault. Her mother and father both treat her like a 2 year old and baby her and I have no idea how to solve that as I'm not her parent.

That's fine OP ignore the rest of my post. I genuinely believe you could benefit from counselling.

Also, many many blended families parent together, if you are invested in the relationship with your partner surely you'd want the best possible outcome for his child.

njs030

ElizaBennett wrote: »

Thanks Wurly - that's really really helpful. I was very happy after my marriage ended as I'd been dreading the process so much. I had one incredible year where I was finally in control of my life and my space and I was exercising a lot and just intensely happy. Then I fell in love with my bf and though I was worried about how he'd fit into my life, once I introduced him to my kids we just got on with it and I stayed over two nights a week. That was one of the happiest times in my life. Then things changed when his rent went up and he just couldn't sustain the cost in the part of Dublin he was in. I felt we'd want to live together some day so it just got brought forward. I felt physically ill the day he moved in and was like demon with all the moving and stuff everywhere. It was a horrible day. I loved him but I didn't want this. I felt pushed into it. I knew he'd be in a desperate situation if he didn't move in with me and probably have to move in with a pal or share a room and lose access to his child. So he moved in. but I've been battling to stay sane since then. I try to put up with it. Console myself with all he brings to the relationship and to our home. But I'd give up his cooking and helping out and lifts for my daughter to football etc etc etc in a heartbeat to have the house to myself again. To go back to how it was. But I don't think we can go back now

This is very sad op and I really feel for you. It sounds like you're caught in a horrible situation that you just aren't ready for and his daughter isnt really the only problem at all - the way the relationship has been forced forward on a time line you aren't comfortable with is the problem.

You know op just because someone doesn't shout and roar doesn't mean they aren't manipulating us, pushing you into a situation where you were forced to move in with him when you clearly weren't ready, not discussing issues like why you don't want him in the house at certain times and why you don't want to spend time with his child are great avoidance tactics to ensure you stay the bad guy in all this.
No one is that much of a pushover that they don't notice these problems, so why doesn't he want to deal with them?
Posters are saying you want to keep your sex buddy but equally he wants to keep his nice house! Painting you as the bad guy is a bit unfair on this thread IMO.

So, I agree you should go to counselling and work out what you want both from the relationship and from life.
If you want him to move out then that's your choice, his access etc is not your problem. You can't fix other peoples problems at the expense of your own happiness.
If you don't want him to move out then find a way to reconcile the arrangement, if she's in your house there has to be some boundaries and basic manners and behaviour are part of that.

I hope that helps.

meeeeh

Some here are way too hard on OP. There are plenty of couples without who find it hard when they move in together. I presume Op is at least in her forties, she more or less reared her kids and is probably used to her own way of doing things. There is nothing abnormal about that especially when move is done before someone is ready. The problem is it's not working.

LegacyUser

meeeeh wrote: »

Some here are way too hard on OP. There are plenty of couples without who find it hard when they move in together. I presume Op is at least in her forties, she more or less reared her kids and is probably used to her own way of doing things. There is nothing abnormal about that especially when move is done before someone is ready. The problem is it's not working.

Because the OP and her OH don't talk about the issues. No relationship is going to last long term if the two people involved don't talk.

LLMMLL

I think it's all stemming from your partner moving in. Some may see this as an issue to work through in counselling. I'd personally be of the opinion that some people feel far better living alone and don't need to be counselled into changing that. I think the situation does need to change and that's where counselling might help. I don't think it's a given that it will destroy the relationship for your partner to be "downgraded" to not living together anymore. I do think some honesty is needed. It doesn't have to be super harsh like "I don't like your child and I don't want to live with you". There are better gentler ways of addressing it.

sashafierce

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ElizaBennett

sashafierce wrote: »

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That's very pragmatic and helpful and you're right. And btw thanks so much to everyone for the help and advice. It does all come down to that: is the happiness I have with him worth it for the discomfort and stress that comes along with that in every guise from seeing his stuff around the house to his child watching horrible American cartoons early in the morning

A lot of people have commented on how far my situation is from the ideal and how I should strive for the ideal or just walk away. I wonder if there is room somewhere for us learning to compromise. I tell him sometimes that I need him to acknowledge my sacrifices as that's just the reality. I feel that letting him into my home is a huge sacrifice but maybe not wanting to live with someone doesn't mean you don't love them. His part of the sacrifice or compromise is to have to leave me alone in the house where possible - but in reality this is a rare occurrence and I maybe only get one afternoon a month completely alone in the house without my kids or anyone. I need this alone time like some people need food or air. So I'm suffering most of the time. But, as you say, I have thought about being alone forever and I don't think that's what I want. I'm 44 and don't want to spend the next 40 alone. I'm just mourning the loss of the freedom I had for that year

Wurly

Yeah.. look. You're compromising too much.

It may not be 'fashionable' to feel the way you feel. But pretending you feel another way is just torture. So you are right to own up. I know that's hard. x

I think you can find yourself a boyfriend who maybe doesn't have kids and is more than happy with separate living arrangements.

I commend how open you are to receiving advice. You're a strong woman but I really think you've been through enough and just need some time to recover in peace. Allow this for yourself. Good luck. x

ElizaBennett

Wurly wrote: »

Yeah.. look. You're compromising too much.

It may not be 'fashionable' to feel the way you feel. But pretending you feel another way is just torture. So you are right to own up. I know that's hard. x

I think you can find yourself a boyfriend who maybe doesn't have kids and is more than happy with separate living arrangements.

I commend how open you are to receiving advice. You're a strong woman but I really think you've been through enough and just need some time to recover in peace. Allow this for yourself. Good luck. x

You are a really kind and understanding person and you've made me cry:o

sashafierce

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Tigger99

Like you I sometimes crave time by myself to recharge. If I was only getting an afternoon a month it would affect my sanity and I wouldn't see the wood from the trees.

I think all you can do is talk to him and really explain how much this distresses you. He may have no idea. If you approach it (how you are feeling) as if it's a problem you both need to contribute to fixing it might make you feel less alone.

tcif

I think if there is a future for you as a couple it may mean, if he agrees to it, moving back into a place of his own and going back to dating rather than living together. Taking a slower progression to where you think the relationship might lead. Right now your thread reads to me like you feel too suffocated to get much perspective on this while you're all still under the same roof. You have very conflicting needs at the moment - you need your home and your space, but he also needs a home (not just somewhere he's allowed to stay) and his daughter needs a home she's not resented in or made to feel unwelcome in. For all your ships-in-the-night approach, children are not fools and she'll know she's not welcome. Maybe if you got some space and distance from each other you might be able to figure out if there's enough there to make a go if it with everyone's needs being met.

It sounds like his child is only a part of the problem but to address your original question, you don't have to be her mother or love her like your own. But at 7 she's too young to grow up in a situation where she's not welcome in her own home, which is how she should be able to view wherever she stays with her father. You're not the bad guy if you don't want to take on someone else's child, but she does come as a package with her dad.

ElizaBennett

Of course on some level I've always known she should feel it's her home on the days she's here and it's very wrong that I don't want that too. She shouldn't be in this situation but I've always argued with myself that it's his responsibility to decide what's best for her. They've lived in at least four different rented apartment s and houses throughout her life so she's not used to a 'forever home' concept with him. Only with her mum. I've always told myself that home for her is where he is. As long as she has him she'll be content. But I'm there so little I often wonder does she think he owns the house and I'm the visitor.
I wish I could promise myself that we'd try doing an activity together and build on that but I think that's too far off. I need the counselling first.

BTW it's not true that he and I never talk about this. We skirt around it and he absolutely knows I struggle with the arrangement. That will not come as a shock to him. I try to talk about it without being hurtful but that's pretty nigh impossible so we don't cut to the big issue ever. He's scared to and so am I. He has his head in the sand about it all.

Colser

Do you think that it's because you own the house that he's reluctant to discuss it?He's bound to know that you would rather that he didn't live there even if his daughter wasn't involved.Are the " cheaper" living arrangements a factor in his letting a lot of things slide with you ?

I totally get your side of this situation btw .

ElizaBennett

Thanks Colser. Yes the cheaper rent is a factor and he has said he'd move out immediately if HD could afford it but that's not said in anger or as a fight. Just simply as a truth but I've been a coward and reassured him we can make it work. He wants me to be happy and I know he'd do whatever that took. If I gave him loads of notice of course he would agree to move out as soon as he could. He has a good job and enough for a deposit etc but paying 1700 a month on one wage just isn't sustainable. I have a huge amount of guilt over what I'd be asking of him. The only way it could be done is if he moved to a commutable distance.
He's a father so I guess he endures my moods in order to keep the status quo as well as wanting to be with me all the time. In three years he's probably gone out with his friends twice. No exaggeration. His attachment to me is obsessive really

Faith

ElizaBennett wrote: »

Isn't it interesting that you've gone from being in a relationship with a critical and unloving man, to being in a relationship with someone you're critical and unloving towards? The roles we move through in life are fascinating.

Rather cutting remark - the first I've found just gratuitously hurtful in all this. 'Fascinating' to the observer maybe but rather different when you're living it.

That genuinely wasn't my intention with that post, and I apologise if it came across as cutting to you. I was simply trying to reflect the roles as I saw them.

deadlydreads

That took some guts to write all that down. It comes across as the living situation was really thrown in the mix too soon and now you're all stuck. Would it make any difference if the child was better behaved? Would it be easier to be friendly to her? I also don't think it's your place to be her parent, but I'd have to have the conversation about acceptable behavior as it's affecting the way you feel about your partner and his self worth. I really feel for you, it's not a nice way to question yourself at this stage in your life having been through a lot.
I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do, I hope the chat goes well and that you find a way of making it work.

alibab

I have read all this thread and I just had to reply . I completely get where you are coming from op and like others I don't actually think the daughter is the real issue . It's not very popular unfortunately to feel like you do and it's brave of you to come on her and try to work it out .

Why do I understand it's because I am very like you in some ways but probably further down the line in that I am comfortable now with what is right for me and what I can and cannot tolerate . I find myself identifying to a lot of what you are saying obviously without the child involved etc .

Let me tell you why I think you feel this way . It's a survival mechanism that you have adopted following the years of abuse in your marriage where you had no control. You were trapped and when you escaped and tasted freedom and self sufficiency you embraced this and built up a wall around you . It's not that you don't care or can't care but due to your past you need to remain firmly in control of your present and future.

I have been there I am divorced with 2 children and I lost everything including my home and had to start again . I worked hard to get a deposit and a mortgage on my own and I love my space and my home . I am a long way down the road and realise that I am never be able to or want to share that space with anybody. It's my home I have worked hard and I would have to think long and hard before I could but myself in a position again of someone being able to invade that space or have rights to my house etc .

It's not a control thing more of a survival thing but yes after years of being in a marriage where I was controlled more than likely I have turned into somebody who finds it hard to trust unconditionally and would have to think long and hard before committing to sharing my space again . I have had 2 long term relationships since my marriage but was always clear from the start what I was comfortable with , both men were in similar positions so it worked as they wanted the same as in separate living spaces etc and a companionship -dating type relationship . This is what suits myself and I am aware of what I can tolerate or not .

I am successful women you had worked hard to get where I am and I have a lot to offer etc but I also have my limits and what I am comfortable with . It took me a long time to realise that I am more than likely not cut out now for the conventional type relationship but there are plenty of men out there that feel the same also . If you are upfront and confident in this position it can work out very well. I am single now but very comfortable with that and happy alone and content for now as I believe it's good to spend time alone .

Your feelings are valid and I can empathise with you more than a lot of others . I do think the daughter is a distraction as opposed to the problem and I would implore you for her sake to sort this out and have the chat either way sooner rather than later . I wish you luck with it all .

Victor

ElizaBennett wrote: »

Her behaviour is very very challenging

Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly polite to her and try to stay out of disciplining or commenting whatsoever

Should this be a conversation you should be having with your other half? No that you should be dealing with certain things, but there might be certain other things that you should.

How does he deal with your children?

Just to add, we live in a house that I own and I have no plans to re-marry or add him to the deeds as I feel too independent at this stage and don't really want to be legally tied to anyone again.

Realise that he will gain rights int eh next few years, whether he is on the deeds or not.

ElizaBennett

Faith wrote: »

That genuinely wasn't my intention with that post, and I apologise if it came across as cutting to you. I was simply trying to reflect the roles as I saw them.

Fair enough. It's very hard to have people deconstruct your life and relationship - though it's absolutely what I wanted and thank you everyone for taking the time - and I was doing well taking it all on board but I did become sensitive at being called 'unloving' when I know there is a lot of tenderness and love between my partner and I. I took it pretty well when it was suggested I only wanted him as a fcukbuddy because I believe I should listen to advice if I've asked for it but the unloving thing stung. I accept it wasn't your intention though. No hard feelings x

ElizaBennett

Thanks for all the advice - including from those who PM'd me with their own stories, which drew a lot a parallels with mine. I guess it's really a case of things being hard or impossible to understand unless you've experienced them.
Alibab, I think your assessment is excellent and, while I suspected something like this was going on with me, I see clearly now that you're right and I have built a wall. And I'm not particularly interested in taking it back down yet. So that's where we are. We'll talk properly at the weekend when we're child free and I'm not dreading it as he always listens and I'm going to do it in a kind way. I don't need to talk about his child much at all - I have found from this thread that the issue isn't really about her at all. I would always have focussed on the negatives and built them up. It was easy to do this with her as her behaviour is so challenging so deciding she was the problem was the obvious way out. Whereas it's got nothing to do with that. If I wanted him fully in my life I'd be working on sorting all that out and wanting to get involved in discipline as well as the fun stuff. But I don't want to. I'm not ready to give up on him and us as we have so very much going for us. But I have to explain, using what I've learned here, that I'm done with child rearing, I want to enjoy life and relax and I want him to be part of it but not fully integrated as yet. If he can live with that it's his choice. I think I will treat him a lot better and will lose my resentment if he fully appreciates where I'm coming form and realises what sacrifices I've made. He doesn't realise that. I've tried to make him see but I've been too subtle I think. He needs it spelled out, but in a kind way. Thanks everyone. I probably know myself better after this painful self-examination and know better what I want and don't want from life. Cheers xx