Al-Anon

Foweva Awone

I'm returning from another relapse. It wasn't pretty; it never is. Lots of drama and chaos.

My parents are very supportive in some ways, but returning to the family home after yet another relapse is such a trigger for me. Every metal health provider I've dealt with says I need to get out of there; living on state benefits it's not currently an option. Been trying to get on a housing list for a long time so at least HAP might be an option.

They'be finally agreed to give Al-Anon a go. My hope is that they can realise they're doing me no favours by constantly enabling me, while on the other hand constantly insulting and accusing and treating me like ****. I feel that way enough anyways, don't need more reminders. I guess I think it would be good for them to see that recovery is possible, even with "lost causes" like me, and that they're not alone in how they feel in all of this.

I guess if I can spend months and years in and out of treatment, them committing to an hour a week isn't much to ask if it might help.

My question (eventually!) Is what can be expected from these meetings? Anyone seen good results/outcomes from them? Is the formula quite similar to AA?

Thanks!

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Foweva Awone

I just want peace. I don't want to hate myself this much. And I don't want to hurt those around me any more. My home would be described as completely toxic for me by vaious professionals, but that doesn't change that I love my family.

Wanderer78

Best of luck op, look after yourself

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Sigma Force

Foweva Awone wrote: »

I'm returning from another relapse. It wasn't pretty; it never is. Lots of drama and chaos.

My parents are very supportive in some ways, but returning to the family home after yet another relapse is such a trigger for me. Every metal health provider I've dealt with says I need to get out of there; living on state benefits it's not currently an option. Been trying to get on a housing list for a long time so at least HAP might be an option.

They'be finally agreed to give Al-Anon a go. My hope is that they can realise they're doing me no favours by constantly enabling me, while on the other hand constantly insulting and accusing and treating me like ****. I feel that way enough anyways, don't need more reminders. I guess I think it would be good for them to see that recovery is possible, even with "lost causes" like me, and that they're not alone in how they feel in all of this.

I guess if I can spend months and years in and out of treatment, them committing to an hour a week isn't much to ask if it might help.

My question (eventually!) Is what can be expected from these meetings? Anyone seen good results/outcomes from them? Is the formula quite similar to AA?

Thanks!

I think the fact that you can see it's not only you that needs support it's your family too and since this is very difficult to do alone it's important that they get support for themselves but also learn about the best ways of helping you. I didn't find al anon that helpful but at the same time I'm glad I went to meetings because I did learn that other people are going through the same and worse. But it offered me no practical help. Not sure what county you are in but if you can find a smart recovery centre for your family that could really change things for you. The only one I know of is in bray. You don't need to put yourself under pressure by expecting them all to go, if you can maybe pick one family member who seems the most understanding but also strong enough to be able to deal with it. If they go to al anon or bcat they will see the benefits and encourage the rest to go. You do need their support but at the end of the day this is your battle, have you got an AA sponsor? If not that might help. If you could sit down when you are sober or mostly sober with one family member you trust and explain things honestly and clearly about what you need from them. It's very confusing for family members and sometimes it gets to the point where they end up in a worse state than the alcoholic but all it is is a lack of understanding, they need to be open and willing to learn about how the whole recovery process works. Also maybe ask yourself if they didn't enable you, would you still of went back drinking. Are you waiting for them to change so you can, this can help hugely but sometimes loved ones just can't get passed the enabling stage they're stuck in a rut and they also get used to bad habits and the routine of lending money or getting drink etc. The fact you are aware they need help too and that you care for your family could mean you are stronger than you think. If you have a stubborn streak then use that to prove them wrong. Take advantage of all the free help and support there is out there, once you change they will follow. Just like if they change you will find it easier too. You can do it with or without their help, take help where you can find it and the rest will work itself out.

Sigma Force

Sigma Force wrote: »

I think the fact that you can see it's not only you that needs support it's your family too and since this is very difficult to do alone it's important that they get support for themselves but also learn about the best ways of helping you. I didn't find al anon that helpful but at the same time I'm glad I went to meetings because I did learn that other people are going through the same and worse. But it offered me no practical help. Not sure what county you are in but if you can find a smart recovery centre for your family that could really change things for you. The only one I know of is in bray. You don't need to put yourself under pressure by expecting them all to go, if you can maybe pick one family member who seems the most understanding but also strong enough to be able to deal with it. If they go to al anon or bcat they will see the benefits and encourage the rest to go. You do need their support but at the end of the day this is your battle, have you got an AA sponsor? If not that might help. If you could sit down when you are sober or mostly sober with one family member you trust and explain things honestly and clearly about what you need from them. It's very confusing for family members and sometimes it gets to the point where they end up in a worse state than the alcoholic but all it is is a lack of understanding, they need to be open and willing to learn about how the whole recovery process works. Also maybe ask yourself if they didn't enable you, would you still of went back drinking. Are you waiting for them to change so you can, this can help hugely but sometimes loved ones just can't get passed the enabling stage they're stuck in a rut and they also get used to bad habits and the routine of lending money or getting drink etc. The fact you are aware they need help too and that you care for your family could mean you are stronger than you think. If you have a stubborn streak then use that to prove them wrong. Take advantage of all the free help and support there is out there, once you change they will follow. Just like if they change you will find it easier too. You can do it with or without their help, take help where you can find it and the rest will work itself out.

Edited to add: Also maybe consider a long term residency at a recovery centre, that would give you support, space to think and to be away from any enabling it doesn't have to be forever but it could give you that extra time you might need to be strong enough and it'd give them time to go and seek the help they need.

Foweva Awone

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Yeah my mum went to a meeting once before ages ago, expecting it would explain to her strategies to stop me from drinking. So when it was explained to her that that wasn't what it was about, that it was about helping herself, she wouldn't go back. Didn't see the point.

She's agreed to go to one meeting a week, for now. I really, really wish she'd learn the importance of self-care. She needs the support. My whole family have been so badly affected.

I was never a violent or aggressive drunk, just a self-destructive miserable one.

Sigma Force wrote: »

Edited to add: Also maybe consider a long term residency at a recovery centre, that would give you support, space to think and to be away from any enabling it doesn't have to be forever but it could give you that extra time you might need to be strong enough and it'd give them time to go and seek the help they need.

I've done several. Been in and out of Cuan Mhuire, St Pats, Stanhope etc for the past two years. No one can say I haven't tried!

However I'm shortly due to be admitted to a transition house of sorts for three months, maybe (just maybe!) it's the key I need to finally get things back on track. My parents are extremely supportive of the idea. I just would love for them to be getting some sort of support for themselves while I'm in there. I've asked them as a favour to me to give Al-Anon a go, once a week for a couple of months at least. I feel bad in a way, asking favours off them, but I guess it's with good intentions - it's for their own good, even if they don't feel at first that it's helping.

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This post has been deleted.

Sigma Force

Foweva Awone wrote: »

Yeah my mum went to a meeting once before ages ago, expecting it would explain to her strategies to stop me from drinking. So when it was explained to her that that wasn't what it was about, that it was about helping herself, she wouldn't go back. Didn't see the point.

She's agreed to go to one meeting a week, for now. I really, really wish she'd learn the importance of self-care. She needs the support. My whole family have been so badly affected.

I was never a violent or aggressive drunk, just a self-destructive miserable one.



I've done several. Been in and out of Cuan Mhuire, St Pats, Stanhope etc for the past two years. No one can say I haven't tried!

However I'm shortly due to be admitted to a transition house of sorts for three months, maybe (just maybe!) it's the key I need to finally get things back on track. My parents are extremely supportive of the idea. I just would love for them to be getting some sort of support for themselves while I'm in there. I've asked them as a favour to me to give Al-Anon a go, once a week for a couple of months at least. I feel bad in a way, asking favours off them, but I guess it's with good intentions - it's for their own good, even if they don't feel at first that it's helping.

Don't feel bad and at the end of the day you are trying so they should too. It works both ways. I didn't feel bad about saying to my loved one that I was going to al anon, bcat etc. I was open about it and I said I'm making the effort so why can't you. It sounds very direct but sometimes you have to be it works the other way around too it's wonderful that you have the strength to help them see that they need support too many addicts can't see that. So just say to them, in a calm way that you are going in to another centre that you are not giving up on yourself but that you really think that they would benefit from trying out al anon or the like. Give them the contact details, meeting times etc. And that's all you can do it's up to them to help themselves in order to help you. Just like it's up to you to help yourself and you are, relapses aren't failures. You learn something every time sometimes you need to learn that lesson a couple of times before it finally clicks but if I was them I'd be very proud of you having the strength to go through it all again they need to realise how difficult and draining this is for you too. But at the end of the day find support where you can and don't worry about them, right now you are the most important thing to focus on. It's like anything if we don't look after ourselves we can't take care of others. So be kind to yourself they will sort themselves out in the long run and if not it certainly sounds like once you're strong enough you could take on the world. You have a lot of determination and that means a lot in recovery. So keep on truckin and take care of yourself first :-)

aabarnes1

Foweva Awone wrote: »

I'm returning from another relapse. It wasn't pretty; it never is. Lots of drama and chaos.

My parents are very supportive in some ways, but returning to the family home after yet another relapse is such a trigger for me. Every metal health provider I've dealt with says I need to get out of there; living on state benefits it's not currently an option. Been trying to get on a housing list for a long time so at least HAP might be an option.

They'be finally agreed to give Al-Anon a go. My hope is that they can realise they're doing me no favours by constantly enabling me, while on the other hand constantly insulting and accusing and treating me like ****. I feel that way enough anyways, don't need more reminders. I guess I think it would be good for them to see that recovery is possible, even with "lost causes" like me, and that they're not alone in how they feel in all of this.

I guess if I can spend months and years in and out of treatment, them committing to an hour a week isn't much to ask if it might help.

My question (eventually!) Is what can be expected from these meetings? Anyone seen good results/outcomes from them? Is the formula quite similar to AA?

Thanks!

Have you tried AA?

I note from your post that you have had several relapses and frequent contact with mental health support staff. Clearly all methods so far have failed you, including your own 'will power'.

I too followed that path until I realised that none of it would work. The only thing that has worked for me has been the program and fellowship of AA.
For alcoholics of our type, we are beyond human aid.

Foweva Awone

Oh yeah been attending AA a couple years now. Have had sponsors etc. It's absolutely not something I'll give up on because, while for whatever reason it's not worked for me yet, it's worked for so many. I'm trying my best.