Should I leave this relationship

Koptain Liverpool

KazzieLou wrote: »

Yes but it's her that I would say is paying most bills etc as he's on very little money. He could always move to a friend's house. Why should she give up the house when she's contributing more than him. He has an easy life with her from what she has said. She should be entitled to stay put she's the bread winner in the relationship so it should be her choice to stay or leave if she pleases. Just saying.

Sorry but you're talking nonsense.

The OP never said that she paid for the flat herself. It's their shared flat.

And more importantly she'll be the one dumping him so of course it's her who moves out.

What would you say if it was the other way around - a guy dumping a girl plus wanting to kick her out of her home...Not the same I would bet.

MissShihTzu

I think you're putting off the inevitable, OP.

Can I ask? If this is a 2-3 year problem as you say, why have you let it go on for so long? Does your partner have any serious long-term plans? Does he discuss these with you?

If you're the one working and saving, then I think YOU should move out. Not only does it give you control, it'll be good for you to get away from an environment that doesn't hold good memories for you. Make a fresh start. Don't worry about him too much - I think he'll be just fine thanks!

I'm also seeing big red flags about the drinking. How often does the fighting start when he drinks??

For the sake of your mental health, you need to sit down and have a good hard think about what you want in life and how you're going to get it. You already sound resentful (with good reason). Do you really want to spend the next few years wondering about what could have been, and eaten up with resentment and envy at your friends apparently moving ahead? Make definite plans and do it! I've been in your position, and trust me - it's scary being alone, but you definitely won't regret getting out.

I wouldn't be looking to involve your family either. Tell them when the deed is done.

I hope it works out for you.

KazzieLou

Koptain Liverpool wrote: »

Sorry but you're talking nonsense.

The OP never said that she paid for the flat herself. It's their shared flat.

And more importantly she'll be the one dumping him so of course it's her who moves out.

What would you say if it was the other way around - a guy dumping a girl plus wanting to kick her out of her home...Not the same I would bet.

She makes more money than him which isn't the point he drinks and spends he's money foolish, therefore it must be up to her to pay most rent.

If it was the other way around yes she should move out. It's her decision and I think she should have the right to stay.

gobo99

KazzieLou wrote: »

She makes more money than him which isn't the point he drinks and spends he's money foolish, therefore it must be up to her to pay most rent.

If it was the other way around yes she should move out. It's her decision and I think she should have the right to stay.

You don't know how the rent is split so stop talking nonsense. The OP is the one who isn't happy with the current living arrangement so she should leave.

FriendFree93 wrote: »

...I told him we would be better off with him moving out that I will stay here alone for a few weeks and he move home to live with his parents. He would be better off on the dole...

Also it's little wonder the guy's at rock bottom if this is the way his partner speaks to him.

Bambi985

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Methinks the OP is looking for excuses not to break up.

Probably. This is what we do as humans though. It's all too easy as outsiders to see the situation in black and white, but when you love and care for someone deeply and have given them 12 years of your life, it's not quite as straight-forward. Your brain tortures you.

I certainly had a Jekyll and Hyde situation playing out in my own head for a long time with my previous relationship - "he doesn't care about the future" / "I've never found love like this before" and "he's got a drink problem" / "I can't live without him". We broke up because something truly unforgivable happened that my ex showed no remorse for, and in the following weeks I was STILL taunted by these inner thoughts, to the point where I had days where I thought I was actually going insane. Mood swings, unpredictability of thoughts and feelings, random breakdowns, , swinging wildly from "fcuk him, he's destroyed my life" to "he's not so bad, maybe we can patch things up?"

It's like a bereavement and twelve years is a long time. The OP probably can't really remember what life was like without him and her brain will pull out every trick in the book to prevent such a life disruption.

OP, I really feel for you and I don't judge you for feeling hesitant about this. I know how paralysed by fear and despair you currently feel. But now is the time to dig deep and summon up every ounce of will and courage that you can. Please dig deep and don't focus on the relatively short-term pain of breaking up and all the awful admin stuff that comes with that. Look at the long-term payout. The relief of not being dragged down and tied up in knots with worry over your bf's issues. The freedom from the constant stress of trying to change him, trying to mammy him into action. The chance to find someone who can offer you so much more than him, the chance at a real partnership. It's so character-building, it strengthens you in ways you never imagined and it really shows you who your friends are.

I hope you're doing ok tonight.

KazzieLou

gobo99 wrote: »

You don't know how the rent is split so stop talking nonsense. The OP is the one who isn't happy with the current living arrangement so she should leave.


Also it's little wonder the guy's at rock bottom if this is the way his partner speaks to him.

Nonsense? Are you listening to yourself. As a human being you have no empathy for anyone clearly. Please keep in mind the next time you make a invalid comment!

Widdershins

The holiday was stupid of him. I guess he didn't want to lose face. I'd be suggesting diverting x % of his money into a joint savings account and if that doesn't happen, split. I would not involve the parents. I don't think that's appropriate. I don't think he has to bow to them, that's not 'respect'.

Widdershins

On second thoughts. You love him but it's when you look at what other women are doing that you feel particularly unhappy?
Maybe making comparisons is part of the problem.