Toddler Trouble

daretocareOC

Anyone have any hints/suggestions for a 2 year old who will just not do what their told?
The 2 year old throws tantrums, bites, hits out at older sister & parents when not getting her own way, cries uncontrollably if anyone gives out to her, wont go to bed so she has to fall asleep on the couch and be lifted to bed, screams in the middle of the night when she wakes.. the list is never ending. She is a child that uses loads of energy during the day and come evening she is so exhausted that she gets overtired and screams the place down. After her first child (who was and still is a total angel), my friend feels like she is just going to explode if things don't change.
She has started shouting and screaming at the child and this is making the whole situation worse.. they have tried letting her cry it out, a naughty step, taking toys off her, getting down to her level to talk to her, explaining to her that she has done something bold and trying to calm her down but nothing seems to have worked.
I know kids just go through the terrible twos and my friend might have to just ride it out but I really feel sorry for her as she is under severe pressure at the moment.

Has anyone any suggestions on things they tried that might help my friend a small bit? I would love to help her but haven't a clue what would help.

shesty

Assuming there are no signs of medical issues or anything, she sounds like my older girl.My older child was (and is) that mad energetic child.She was nuts.It has calmed somewhat in as she turned three but here's what I used to do.
Routine is the key with a child like this.
If she's as mad as my little one, then she needs to be in bed early.Non-negotiable.Scream all she likes but the bedtime routine is set in stone at a particular time.I had all the battles but I had to hold firm.Falling asleep on sofas just wasn't the way to go for us.The later it got, the insaner my child got.On the surface she didn't appear tired, she seemed like she was having a great time but I always knew the crash would be instantaneous and BAD.....so I got in there first with a firm early bedtime.Otherwise she would have been like a psycho (excuse the phrase) by 9pm and it just would have ended badly for everyone.Plus two year olds need sleep.

Next up was naps.Battles ensued aged two but I held firm there too.She was awake so early and went at such a speed everday she could not physically make it through the day without a nap.It had to happen, same time everyday.

Last thing is meals.Regular feeding, in a predicatable routine is needed here too.

Once you have eliminated tiredness and hunger you are down to basic two year old behaviours.Screaming and shouting at them just never seem to work.Don't get me wrong, I have done and do it still on occasion but I never get much of result from it if I'm honest.I try to avoid it as my default position.
The key thing is that no has to mean no.If you start from that position the child will learn that you mean what you say, and it lessens the rows somewhat.It means if you say "if you do X, then we will go back to the car and go home"....you do it (and so,chose carefully when you use that warning!!!!) Or 'if you don't hold my hand, you will have to get into the buggy'....and do it.She also has to be consistent in her response....there's no point having timeouts one day, shouting the next, talking the next....a two year old doesn't get that.The same consistent response is needed every time.Her language needs to be simple, clear and short sentences.

We had a problem with hitting and it took me ages to realise that firstly she did it when she was overwhelmed in a situation and secondly, the bigger a deal I made out of it, the more she did it.Not easy to not make a big deal when your child is hitting a stranger's kid in the park....I ended by getting a book called 'hands are not for hitting'.It helped.I have no doubt that there is similar out there for biting.

Sorry I'm in a bit of a hurry here.The child's biggest problem (assuming no other medical issues) is probably frustration at communication.She can't tell when she's tired, hungry etc so she has these big reactions, then the adults around her lose the plot, seeming (to her)even more out of control, which is scarey for a two year old, so she goes a bit madder....it's not nice.The calmer they can be and the more language they can give her the better.Also they do probably need to think ahead a bit....accept that some situations can be overwhelming for their child and maybe they should avoid or introduce them in small bit ls until she gets to a point she can cope better.For us, anything with lots of people, or lots going on just weren't great.She was ok for a while but within about an hour of arriving she would start to lose the plot, then the hitting and mad running and finally the screaming would start.We had to just accept we would be pulling the plug early at such events, and not going without food/sleep to them.Also, limited TV.I mean very limited.And loads of fresh air.

Finally tell your friend she's not alone.Even the way you wrote your post about the first child being angelic.....when you have a child like this second one and you KNOW there is nothing wrong with them but all the people around you are looking and just seeing a 'brat' - it's so hard.My little girl is over three now.She's got huge language and is, and always has been, such a good natured child.....but she's highly alert since day 1, tuned in to everything and is just MORE at everything.It's a big struggle at the age of two, but the hard (hard, hard) work does pay off. But as a parent there are days and nights you find yourself wondering what you did wrong, is it your fault, why can't you control your child the way other kids seem to be able to just do as they are told, and genuinely asking yourself is there something wrong with them.It's heartbreaking and somewhat soul destroying.But she's not alone, there are parents out there who understand and know what it's like.It's hard work, but it does pay off.

Finally I would suggest looking up Janet Lansbury for tips on managing toddlers.I don't know what your friend's parenting style is, but she has many articles that helped me think about how I was dealing with my child.

daretocareOC

shesty wrote: »

Assuming there are no signs of medical issues or anything, she sounds like my older girl.My older child was (and is) that mad energetic child.She was nuts.It has calmed somewhat in as she turned three but here's what I used to do.
Routine is the key with a child like this.
If she's as mad as my little one, then she needs to be in bed early.Non-negotiable.Scream all she likes but the bedtime routine is set in stone at a particular time.I had all the battles but I had to hold firm.Falling asleep on sofas just wasn't the way to go for us.The later it got, the insaner my child got.On the surface she didn't appear tired, she seemed like she was having a great time but I always knew the crash would be instantaneous and BAD.....so I got in there first with a firm early bedtime.Otherwise she would have been like a psycho (excuse the phrase) by 9pm and it just would have ended badly for everyone.Plus two year olds need sleep.

Next up was naps.Battles ensued aged two but I held firm there too.She was awake so early and went at such a speed everday she could not physically make it through the day without a nap.It had to happen, same time everyday.

Last thing is meals.Regular feeding, in a predicatable routine is needed here too.

Once you have eliminated tiredness and hunger you are down to basic two year old behaviours.Screaming and shouting at them just never seem to work.Don't get me wrong, I have done and do it still on occasion but I never get much of result from it if I'm honest.I try to avoid it as my default position.
The key thing is that no has to mean no.If you start from that position the child will learn that you mean what you say, and it lessens the rows somewhat.It means if you say "if you do X, then we will go back to the car and go home"....you do it (and so,chose carefully when you use that warning!!!!) Or 'if you don't hold my hand, you will have to get into the buggy'....and do it.She also has to be consistent in her response....there's no point having timeouts one day, shouting the next, talking the next....a two year old doesn't get that.The same consistent response is needed every time.Her language needs to be simple, clear and short sentences.

We had a problem with hitting and it took me ages to realise that firstly she did it when she was overwhelmed in a situation and secondly, the bigger a deal I made out of it, the more she did it.Not easy to not make a big deal when your child is hitting a stranger's kid in the park....I ended by getting a book called 'hands are not for hitting'.It helped.I have no doubt that there is similar out there for biting.

Sorry I'm in a bit of a hurry here.The child's biggest problem (assuming no other medical issues) is probably frustration at communication.She can't tell when she's tired, hungry etc so she has these big reactions, then the adults around her lose the plot, seeming (to her)even more out of control, which is scarey for a two year old, so she goes a bit madder....it's not nice.The calmer they can be and the more language they can give her the better.Also they do probably need to think ahead a bit....accept that some situations can be overwhelming for their child and maybe they should avoid or introduce them in small bit ls until she gets to a point she can cope better.For us, anything with lots of people, or lots going on just weren't great.She was ok for a while but within about an hour of arriving she would start to lose the plot, then the hitting and mad running and finally the screaming would start.We had to just accept we would be pulling the plug early at such events, and not going without food/sleep to them.Also, limited TV.I mean very limited.And loads of fresh air.

Finally tell your friend she's not alone.Even the way you wrote your post about the first child being angelic.....when you have a child like this second one and you KNOW there is nothing wrong with them but all the people around you are looking and just seeing a 'brat' - it's so hard.My little girl is over three now.She's got huge language and is, and always has been, such a good natured child.....but she's highly alert since day 1, tuned in to everything and is just MORE at everything.It's a big struggle at the age of two, but the hard (hard, hard) work does pay off. But as a parent there are days and nights you find yourself wondering what you did wrong, is it your fault, why can't you control your child the way other kids seem to be able to just do as they are told, and genuinely asking yourself is there something wrong with them.It's heartbreaking and somewhat soul destroying.But she's not alone, there are parents out there who understand and know what it's like.It's hard work, but it does pay off.

Finally I would suggest looking up Janet Lansbury for tips on managing toddlers.I don't know what your friend's parenting style is, but she has many articles that helped me think about how I was dealing with my child.

Thanks a mill for all of the advice above. I'll definitely take these and put them forward to my friend. It's tough seeing someone go through something like that but I think it's a situation that will just keep escalating if they don't act sooner rather than later.

shesty

I hope some of it helps. There is a certain degree of having to just put up with the toddler years because they are just 2, but anything to make it a bit easier.

mirrorwall14

Biggest success we have had is with two simple choices (both of which I'm happy with) repeated until he does one even if ungratefully. For example 'would you like to walk up the stairs or will mammy carry you'?

Second biggest is time warnings. 'In 10 minutes we are going to bed'. 'In 5 minutes we are going to bed'. 'In 2 minutes we are going to bed'. 'Now it is bedtime' etc. He copes better with warnings. This is also effective at the end of bedtime routine 'after this book I have to leave and it's time for you to lie down' and I continue to warn him throughout the book

Finally when it comes to bed we have battles and tears but routine does not change even if it involves me lying on my bed watching the monitor telling him to lie back down 15 times in a row with temper tantrums. Bedtime is bedtime. If he works himself up entirely I will come in, offer a hug. If he wants one 'I lift him for it and then straight back down when he calms. If he doesn't then I tuck him in, fix the pillows etc. Offer once more then leave.

jlm29

We've done a LOT of work on bedtime with my 21month old over the last few months. He's gone from being breastfed to sleep in the sitting room, and put up to his cot when he was sound asleep (in Feb), and this could be anything up to 11pm, to being brought upstairs, teeth, story, and into his cot- some nights now he just turns over and lies down straight away, and other nights he'll whinge for a few min and then go asleep. If he's crying proper, I'd sit at his door singing to him, but in general, it's a quick whinge and off to sleep for the night.
It was a long, slow process, but that's where I'd start if I were them. We started by giving him a bottle in our bed, and then moving him when he was asleep, and then sitting with him on our lap in a chair in his room, then having him in his cot while we sat in the chair etc. Somewhere along the way, he dropped the bottle too, which was just great.
From reading the above posts though, I do know that we need to be a bit more routined with nap times too!

shesty

Yes Mirrorwall, I forgot choices and early warnings for EVERYTHING too!Actually, I picked up a giant sandtimer that I use sometimes, because they respond well to visual countdowns like that.You can get them in five/ten/15 mins.It makes things a bit easier to say 'you are going to bed in X mins', turn the sandtimer and leave them to it.They seem to accept it a bit better!!

Jlm, I think the thing is it does depend on the child.I had to be fairly military with my first because that is just the type of child she is.There was just no middle ground.She doesn't know how to stop herself, so like, when most kids get tired and sit down, she just runs and runs and runs, crazier and crazier....so it was up to me to learn the warning signs and intervene for her!!!!Whereas my second is a totally different child, much easier to know when she's tired and we have a good bit more leeway with naps.She just regulates herself better during the day,she doesn't go at such a speed and her highs and lows are not so high and low!!I find my first with her language (which is superb for her age) if I say to her now she has to calm down, or stop whining or something, she will say (generally crying!) 'I can't!!".....she's finally verbalising that she doesn't really know how to stop herself at times.I usually ask her does she want a drink or some food or a book or something and that tends to bring her down a bit!!It really depends on the child.

daretocareOC

Thanks a million for your responses..
I had my friend here over the weekend with her little one and she just seems ready to craic but I felt that I was the one having to correct the child all weekend as I feel that my friend is at the end of her tether with the child and has just given up. I really need something to motivate her and to make her realise that she isn't in this alone ( she has a husband but he is not great with the kids and doesn't help her out much). I think the pressure of working, keeping a house going and having 2 kids and feeling that she is doing it by herself has her totally drained. She is also wanting to go back to work 5 days a week (she currently only works 3) so I don't know how that will work as she will probably be more exhausted.

Lucuma

I feel really sorry for your friend I really do. I can relate to a lot of what you describe with the exhaustion of two and working 5 days and so on. But my husband is great with the kids (he's not great at alot of other things but the kids would be his strong point) e.g. he gets up more often to deal with night time wakings than I would for example. I can't imagine what life would be like if he wasn't good with the kids, it's hard enough as it is!! So it's no wonder she has given up if she doesn't even have back up.
We went through a rough few months with the then-2 year old when we made the change from the cot to the bed. I had nights where I had to leave her fall asleep on the sofa as well and sometimes we'd be up again in the middle of the night back to the sofa watching cartoons. It took a few months to settle. She still gives a few moans or cries out of her going to bed most nights but she stays in the bed now, finally!!
To be honest there's only so much you can interfere in someone else's life though, they will have to find their own path as a family. And the worst thing woudl be if she started to feel judged by you or feel pressure from you to do X,Y or Z which will just add to all the other pressure she's going through.
I'd say try to be the listening ear, encourage her to confide in you, try to help her out the odd time if you can etc. Families have to find their own way through these things (and marriages)