Being outed

Gael23

A guy messaged me on Grindr and asked me was I out to my sister p, mentioning her by name. I at first played stupid and pretended it was thw wrong person but it turns out he knows my sister. Im now worried he'll say something, no reason to suggest he will but I'm just very nervous he will. Coming out to preempt it isn't an option.

Annasopra

Its none of his business ffs

Gael23

Would somebody do that to you?

wordofwarning

Do you have a face pic on Grindr?

Gael23

Yes I did, not a great idea in hindsight.

Ten of Swords

Op if this guy knows your sister then maybe he was wondering if you're out to her so he knows if he should or should not mention that he noticed you on Grindr. As already said it's nobodys business anyway. I know how disconcerted you must feel right now but it could be as innocent as that. Did he give you any indication of malicious intent?

Believe it or not I do know how this feels, the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. I was outed before a long time ago, not out malice but by someone mistakenly thinking they were helping me, long story I don't want to go into. You can either completely block this guy and carry on as if nothing happened or you can tell him to stay out of your business (and then block him anyway and carry on as normal!). It's unfortunate but it's out of your hands.

Gael23 wrote: »

Coming out to preempt it isn't an option.

OK calm yourself, that's a pretty extreme thing to say when you don't seem to have the full circumstances..

Gael23

Ten of Swords wrote: »

Op if this guy knows your sister then maybe he was wondering if you're out to her so he knows if he should or should not mention that he noticed you on Grindr. As already said it's nobodys business anyway. I know how disconcerted you must feel right now but it could be as innocent as that. Did he give you any indication of malicious intent?

Believe it or not I do know how this feels, the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. I was outed before a long time ago, not out malice but by someone mistakenly thinking they were helping me, long story I don't want to go into. You can either completely block this guy and carry on as if nothing happened or you can tell him to stay out of your business (and then block him anyway and carry on as normal!). It's unfortunate but it's out of your hands.



OK calm yourself, that's a pretty extreme thing to say when you don't seem to have the full circumstances..

If you say your not out do people generally respect that?
He did say "don't worry if your not" in the next sentence deleted the chat.
I know what your saying on coming out but it's not something I want my family in particular to find out second hand.

Ten of Swords

Most reasonable people would but it depends on the person to be honest. He could just be irresponsible and clumsy sending you a message like that but at the same time not mean any harm or to frighten you. Then again there are people out there who are just assholes and who like getting one over on someone. I don't want to speculate on this but on the face of it seems an innocent, but ill conceived, message.

Did you engage with this person at all apart from to deny you were who they thought you were?

wordofwarning

Gael23 wrote: »

Yes I did, not a great idea in hindsight.

First of all, if you don't want your family to know. Having a face pic on a gay dating/hook up app is not really a wise choice

IMO it might have been an innocent chat up. There appears to be nothing malicious about the conversation

I have seen a ton of guys I know that are not out and we have mutual friends (I would not know the guys on Grindr personally). I have never told any of their friends, that I know their friends are gay.

IMO this guy is nothing going to do/say anything. If he does, you could deny you know what Grindr and say someone robbed your pics

Ten of Swords

wordofwarning wrote: »

Having a face pic on a gay dating/hook up app is not really a wise choice

I would think Gael23 is being realistic. Would/do you respond to messages with no face pic? Most people won't.

Gael23

Ten of Swords wrote: »

I would think Gael23 is being realistic. Would/do you respond to messages with no face pic? Most people won't.

The point wordofworning makes is logical and makes perfect sense. But then there's this. I would never agree to meet someone without seeing a face pic. I would respond to a message without one but then when you get a pic enpventually and you don't like the guy it sours things.

wordofwarning

Ten of Swords wrote: »

I would think Gael23 is being realistic. Would/do you respond to messages with no face pic? Most people won't.

I would if they sent on.

OP is faced with a situation. Does he want it to be easy to talk to other people/get messages or everyone to know he is gay? Most people with no face pic on Grindr, don't want everyone to know they are gay

Lickin2me

Id say your family know already. Very hard not to be noticed. The gay voice , the dramtics, -the walk the style. No offence but hard not spot gay in village. Unless ur s big hairy guy sitting at bar with pint guinness. Who is married but is ashamed he is gay. Ive nothing against people been gay. Some of them are great people great craic. But only thing i disagree with is adoption. No way. U cant produce your own naturally then there not for a gay couple. Different with hysband and wife who have health conditon. But they have penis vigina/ sperm +womb.

Annasopra

Lickin2me dont post in this thread again. Everyone else dont reply.

Wesser

Jesus Christ!

Lickin2me

What?;

Annasopra

Lickin2me wrote: »

What?;

Dont post in the thread again. Your homophobia is unwelcome here

the_syco

Gael23 wrote: »

A guy messaged me on Grindr and asked me was I out to my sister p, mentioning her by name.

If he showed a picture of himself, maybe check your sisters Facebook friends, and see if he's there?

It's possible that he's out to your sister, but checking with you first before he says anything to your sister, in the same way that a heterosexual guy would tease his mate that he saw his mates heterosexual sister on X heterosexual dating app. For example "hey buddy, I saw your sister on Tinder :pac: ", but in your case, it'd be "I say Y on Grinder".

Gael23

the_syco wrote: »

If he showed a picture of himself, maybe check your sisters Facebook friends, and see if he's there?

It's possible that he's out to your sister, but checking with you first before he says anything to your sister, in the same way that a heterosexual guy would tease his mate that he saw his mates heterosexual sister on X heterosexual dating app. For example "hey buddy, I saw your sister on Tinder :pac: ", but in your case, it'd be "I say Y on Grinder".

No picture but he did use his name and I think i have found him on Facebook. I've never met him but I know who he is.

Peregrinus

Gael23 wrote: »

A guy messaged me on Grindr and asked me was I out to my sister p, mentioning her by name. I at first played stupid and pretended it was thw wrong person but it turns out he knows my sister. Im now worried he'll say something, no reason to suggest he will but I'm just very nervous he will. Coming out to preempt it isn't an option.

Ah, look, I think if you're not out and you put your picture up on a gay dating website, there's obviously a risk that someone who knows you will see the picture.

I'd take comfort from the fact that he asked you if you were out; the fact that he wants to know your situation suggests, if anything, that he'd rather respect your boundaries. If he wanted to be malicious or mischievous he could just out you without asking (and, if called on it, say "but I assumed . . !"). Or, someone might genuinely assume without thinking too much about it that if you have your picture up on a dating site you are out, and then they might out you quite inadvertently.

So, it may be a bit late now but, given that he has asked, in your situation I'd be inclined to reply and say "no, I'm not out". The chance that he will respect your not-out status is greater if he knows what it is. For what it's worth, most people are mostly decent most of the time, so I think the chances that this guy will want to respect your situation and not make trouble for you are good.

For the future, obviously you want to think about whether you will keep your picture up on a gay social network. You say that coming out isn't an option for you right now; if that's true, risking an accidental outing may also not be an option for you.

Mr.Frame

Wouldnt be too concerned about putting your picture up on grindr as many on here have said most people wont reply to a profile unless it has a face pic.
Now with regards to this guy. Next time make a point of talking to him on Grindr and tell him you are not out and ask him to respect this, most guys will.

Come out when YOU want to , dont let anyone push you, nor let anyone intimidate you.

Peregrinus

Mr.Frame wrote: »

Wouldnt be too concerned about putting your picture up on grindr as many on here have said most people wont reply to a profile unless it has a face pic.

That may be true, but it doesn't dispose of the concern someone might have that putting up a face pic presents a risk of outing.

If you're really concerned not to be outed, getting not many replies to your profile may be a price you are willing to pay in order to avoid the risk of publishing your photograph. Or, it may not be. The point is that you need to consider the pros and cons and make a choice.