How to encourage oh hoes to meetings without being bossy?

Sigma Force

Hi, my oh is out of three months of rehab for the past two weeks, at first he went to three meetings a week. He hasn't been to any since his aftercare meeting at the rehab centre last Saturday. He has been busy and tired (started back at work too) and that's the excuse he's been using why he hasn't gone, or says he's not getting anything out of the AA meetings. But although he said he prefers the one on one with a case worker he won't make any effort to go there either. He says working and making money is the priority now but as I said to him if he gets a false sense of security and doesnt go to meetings he will slip in to his old ways and he'll end up with no job etc. I tried to word things so I'm not accusing or bossy. At the end of the day I can't bully him or talk him in to anything. He said he will go back to AA meetings but I'm not convinced it doesn't seem to be a priority. But I feel he will slip if he doesn't keep them up, even if he's not getting much out of it there's always something to learn. It's very frustrating because I daren't say too much. Is there anything I can say though to remind him how important it is without coming across as telling him what to do? He is going to his next aftercare meeting in the rehab centre on Saturday which is good. I feel I have to drive him though because if I don't offer he won't ask anyone else to and that will slip too. Should I just sit down with him when he's in a good mood and explain my concerns?

Garrett81

Hey Sigma,
It's a tough one, you can sit and communicate your thoughts/feelings and fears to your husband in a non-confrontational manner. Whether it be out walking, cooking the dinner etc but do it when he is in good form so pick your moment wisely . Unfortunately you husband needs to take responsibility for his own recovery and have the desire to go to his meetings, don't go down the road of trying to fix him because it's an uphill battle and you will lose. You need to take a step back and look after yourself also, Al-Anon is a great help.

Amazingfun

Al-anon is the best thing you could do for yourself. Although AA is "not for everyone", as the saying goes, I can't tell you the amount of times I've heard "I wasn't getting anything out of the meetings" from chronic relapsers (myself included until I was forced back to AA yet one more time after yet one more relapse).

There is really nothing you can do about his alcoholism, but you can take some action for yourself, which in turn may help him

Good luck,

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/meetings/

I can't vouch for any specific speaker here, but there is a ton of free Alanon talks on this channel:

Sigma Force

Thanks guys, scuse the typo in the original question no hoes were involved lol.

I find I'm getting in to old habits too quickly myself, except when he's at work we spend a lot of time together it's not often he goes off and does his own thing so when he does I still get anxious. Which is normal I guess.

I was honest with him today and said when I came home that I had that sick feeling in my stomach that he'd had a drink and I said I don't mean to feel that way it just takes time to get used to the new way of things. He said they did talk at the rehab centre about this how family members check up on or ask where the recovering alcoholic is going. He doesn't normally get that it's like things are back to the same way they always were and his family or I never question him. He always says where he's going anyway, but he said he was to be aware that things like this will happen so I think he understands. He said it didn't bother him because he knows himself that he hasn't taken a drink. Which is a healthy way to look at it.
He's ha ging around with one of his old drinking buddies who he works with too, he hasn't been to any AA's but said he's going to one tomorrow. I know AA doesn't work for everyone, but he's almost four weeks out of rehab and it's a bit soon I think to let things slide. I did find Al anon didn't help me much I have a support worker though that I meet once a week or once every two weeks if things are going well. She pretty much said the same as you guys. I got in to a routine if doing my own thing when he was away so I guess I'll have to make more of an effort to keep myself busy. I do feel I need to talk to him but as said I have to pick my moment when we're both in good form so it doesn't turn in to a silly row. Not easy though we've both been so busy lately. Thanks again I should take that advice on board and even be a bit more selfish as such.

Amazingfun

"Al anon didn't help me much"

Now, just consider how similar this is to his saying he isn't getting much from AA

Food for thought.

Best wishes to you both :-)

Sigma Force

Amazingfun wrote: »

"Al anon didn't help me much"

Now, just consider how similar this is to his saying he isn't getting much from AA

Food for thought.

Best wishes to you both :-)

You're right, it's no different to me saying it st the end of the day. But I would if I didn't have the other place with my support worker so I'd need something to keep me sane. But in fairness he went to one on Sunday and was asked to be chairman, this is a new group for him so hoping he takes it up because it might encourage him to go more. If he does t want to though he won't of course but he seemed chuffed at being asked. It'd be a great focus for him even if he's not getting much out of it he'd be contributing. I guess my job is to take a step back, I'm tired of reminding him and there's no point really because that's not my job. He has been given the tools in rehab that he needs to do all this. Just can be frustrating at times.

JupiterKid

If he doesn't like AA and is based in Dublin, perhaps LifeRing is a potential alternative. It is in Ireland 8 years now and there is a meeting held in Dublin every day. It also meets in Navan, Cork and Sligo.

I regularly go to both AA and LifeRing and like both but I find LifeRing more positive. LifeRing is also secular - no mention of God or a higher power so it might have more appeal to a non-religious person.

Link:
http://www.dublinlifering.com

Keeping up regular sobriety meetings is very important in my opinion - especially in early recovery. I found when I stopped going to these or reduced the number I went to per week, I was on the road to relapse.

Sigma Force

JupiterKid wrote: »

If he doesn't like AA and is based in Dublin, perhaps LifeRing is a potential alternative. It is in Ireland 8 years now and there is a meeting held in Dublin every day. It also meets in Navan, Cork and Sligo.

I regularly go to both AA and LifeRing and like both but I find LifeRing more positive. LifeRing is also secular - no mention of God or a higher power so it might have more appeal to a non-religious person.

Link:
http://www.dublinlifering.com

Keeping up regular sobriety meetings is very important in my opinion - especially in early recovery. I found when I stopped going to these or reduced the number I went to per week, I was on the road to relapse.

Thanks for that, it's an interesting option. Getting the time to get to Dublin is tricky it'd be great if they had a few more around the country. But it could be an option for him Athy is further at the end of the day then again I think it does him good to head down the country rather than into the city.

JupiterKid

Sigma Force wrote: »

Thanks for that, it's an interesting option. Getting the time to get to Dublin is tricky it'd be great if they had a few more around the country. But it could be an option for him Athy is further at the end of the day then again I think it does him good to head down the country rather than into the city.

LifeRing are very slowly starting up in places outside of Dublin but it is taking time to get these set up. If you are not near a LifeRing venue, then AA is really the only game in town. It's important to try out a few different AA meetings and find one you like. LifeRing also has an online meeting option but nothing IMO really beats an actual physical meeting.

I wish your OH well in his recovery.

Sigma Force

JupiterKid wrote: »

LifeRing are very slowly starting up in places outside of Dublin but it is taking time to get these set up. If you are not near a LifeRing venue, then AA is really the only game in town. It's important to try out a few different AA meetings and find one you like. LifeRing also has an online meeting option but nothing IMO really beats an actual physical meeting.


I wish your OH well in his recovery.

Thanks he actually was planning on going to one today since we couldn't get to Athy this week but it totally went out of both our heads I'm only remembering it now it's the one where they asked him to be chairman. He was so tired after the week at work and we were working on stuff in the shed so he busy.
Totally went out of my head I guess for me anyway having an appointment helps me not forget to go to my support worker. I don't want to schedule his life for him but I guess we'll have to work on remembering to go. Head like a sieve

Sigma Force

Heading in to the third week now and he's gone to no meetings, I am getting worried now as I think he needs the support especially coming up to Xmas, Xmas work parties will come up etc. I don't think he'd be silly enough to go ..I know he's not ready for that for sure it'd be a really bad idea. Anyway he's been saying all the right things to ease my concerns and it's starting to bring me back to when he used to talk me round when he was drinking ...very good at convincing me. I know I can't tell him what to do and I know he could say that the AA meetings do nothing for him but I'm starting to feel I can't talk openly about going to them without touching a nerve. Maybe he's waiting till I shut up about it so he feels he's not going to be told what to do but tbh this is not a game he was the one who chose to go to rehab he said he never wants to drink again etc. He said he'd keep up the meetings. But something always happens that he can't go or he'll go tomorrow. It's so frustrating. I don't go on about it all the time and sometimes he'll bring it up but I think I need to talk to him properly and openly about it without telling him what to do. I should be able to talk about my concerns with him, we talk about everything else but with this it seems to becoming a touchy subject. I really don't know what to do. I was told by my support worker that I can talk about how I feel and how happy it'd make me to see him go just for the support etc. But I don't know at this stage if that's help. He's not drinking, he's getting on great has no interest in drinking and who knows maybe he has beaten it but he can't afford to become complacent and he's only out of rehab two months. There's a lot of influences where we live, he still has the same pals which is up to him but they're all big drinkers

Garrett81

Tbh it isn’t sounding good for him, fresh out of a treatment centre and no meetings/support is a recipe for a disaster. If he is going to drink which doesn’t seem to be far off by what your saying, there isn’t a thing you can do or say to stop him, and I know this is difficult to hear but Iv already said it to you before, you need to look after your own recovery, mental health and well-being. And I often get worried when people think they have beaten it after a stint in rehab, the real work begins when one comes back in to society’.There is no magic wand when it comes to recovery , it is a life long process. One cannot control another’s desire to drink.maybe he needs to suffer some more, most of us need to be dragged to our knees before the penny drops. I wouldn’t believe that he has beaten it. You sound like a sincere,very nice and caring person, now start abit of self care and take a step back. Very difficult to do especially when a loved one is involved but you must mind yourself through this tough process

Sigma Force

Garrett81 wrote: »

Tbh it isn’t sounding good for him, fresh out of a treatment centre and no meetings/support is a recipe for a disaster. If he is going to drink which doesn’t seem to be far off by what your saying, there isn’t a thing you can do or say to stop him, and I know this is difficult to hear but Iv already said it to you before, you need to look after your own recovery, mental health and well-being. And I often get worried when people think they have beaten it after a stint in rehab, the real work begins when one comes back in to society’.There is no magic wand when it comes to recovery , it is a life long process. One cannot control another’s desire to drink.maybe he needs to suffer some more, most of us need to be dragged to our knees before the penny drops. I wouldn’t believe that he has beaten it. You sound like a sincere,very nice and caring person, now start abit of self care and take a step back. Very difficult to do especially when a loved one is involved but you must mind yourself through this tough process

I'm hoping for his sake he doesn't slip, he went to a meeting on Saturday at the rehab centre I didn't mention going he brought it up himself. We'd had a few words the week before and we made up quickly but I did tell him I was worried. I said nothing for the rest of the week, he was very insistent about going because he said he could b working the Saturday after and that would b too long to of not gone to a meeting. So it's positive but I still worry of course, I'll say nothing and hopefully he might fit a meeting in on Sunday but I'll keep my mouth shut coz I only make things worse. Will try to make time for myself, I was busy while he was in rehab so no reason why I can't be now. Too much time together isn't healthy either. He's working full time at the mo too good for keeping him occupied as long as he doesn't burn out