Has your parent died?

rafi bomb

How are you supposed to cope in all honesty?

At the time it's a bit of a blur but it's true what they say it really hits you months after.

Any tips on How To cope I'd you've experienced it?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Have had both parents pass away within three years of each other.

Best advice I can give? Remember the good times.

Stigura

My Dad died of a bad back.

The doctor told him to put grease on it. He went down hill fast, after that.

They did what they could for him. But, he just slipped away

clappyhappy

I was the eldest in my family (20) when my mum died at 44 years of age, youngest was 12. I was 30 when my dad died aged 64. You've probably heard it a million times but time is a healer, but not a day has gone by when I don't think of my mum, it still hurts, how she'd love to see her grandkids, meet our husbands/wife and how we'd love to be able to do nice things for them both now. But we can't, it still hurts deeply but I've come to accept it. Think of how proud they would be of you, keep doing things that you know would make them proud. Talk to them, talk about them, my kids know all I know about their grandparents, warts & all. There is no answer, but we have to be strong for ourselves & the family left behind. My deepest sympathy to you on your loss.

jamesbere

I dont think there any really good advice you can give. I think the only one which was mentioned above was remember the good times.

My father died of cancer when I was 14, was there when he died. I don't think anything In life can prepare you for watching a loved one died. Don't think I really got over it. It stays with me always but he was a great man and father. Had some great memories with him.

McMurphy

My auld lad died peacefully. In his sleep.

My mam felt obligated to send condolences cards to the 48 passengers on the bus he was meant to be driving at the time.

Tom Mann Centuria

Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »

Have had both parents pass away within three years of each other.

Best advice I can give? Remember the good times.

Lost my mum almost 15 years ago and dad last year.

Good advice, remember the good times or important times, not maybe always happy.

I still well up occasionally these days thinking about mum or dad but it's definitely not as painful as it was. Time helps.

wakka12

I just cant actually believe that so many people have dead parents and their life just goes on as normal, I will be absolutely devastated I actually think about it quite regularly because I know how hard itll be when it happens.

Never ever seeing the person who cared for you your whole life again, the one who got you through everything and loved you no matter what, leaves a knot in my stomach.

rafi bomb

clappyhappy wrote: »

I was the eldest in my family (20) when my mum died at 44 years of age, youngest was 12. I was 30 when my dad died aged 64. You've probably heard it a million times but time is a healer, but not a day has gone by when I don't think of my mum, it still hurts, how she'd love to see her grandkids, meet our husbands/wife and how we'd love to be able to do nice things for them both now. But we can't, it still hurts deeply but I've come to accept it. Think of how proud they would be of you, keep doing things that you know would make them proud. Talk to them, talk about them, my kids know all I know about their grandparents, warts & all. There is no answer, but we have to be strong for ourselves & the family left behind. My deepest sympathy to you on your loss.

****. So sorry to hear that. Sounds so rough. I can't really compare. I'm late 20s and lost my dad suddenly his late 50s recently. Everyone always says the not a day passes without thinking about them but that's what I fear. It haunts me every time I think about it. It's weird to say but I feel it's changed my whole personality. I'm angery in general and just don't care about anything. Honestly see people with their dads and I know it's wrong but I'm so bitter I think **** u having that

wakka12

clappyhappy wrote: »

I was the eldest in my family (20) when my mum died at 44 years of age, youngest was 12. I was 30 when my dad died aged 64. You've probably heard it a million times but time is a healer, but not a day has gone by when I don't think of my mum, it still hurts, how she'd love to see her grandkids, meet our husbands/wife and how we'd love to be able to do nice things for them both now. But we can't, it still hurts deeply but I've come to accept it. Think of how proud they would be of you, keep doing things that you know would make them proud. Talk to them, talk about them, my kids know all I know about their grandparents, warts & all. There is no answer, but we have to be strong for ourselves & the family left behind. My deepest sympathy to you on your loss.

Ugh this just absolutely breaks my heart Im crying at boards post.
Im so so sorry:( you are a very strong person.

hairyslug

Both mine died in 2015, April & December.
There's a whole range of emotions you can go through, all of which, others have gone through before you (that can be somewhat reassuring) and you come out the otherside. For me, it has left me a slightly colder person.

PandaPoo

My parents are in their 60s and 70s now. I will be completely inconsolable when they pass away. They took me out of a horrible situation as a baby and raised me as their own, never treated me differently to their 3 kids.

My son is extremely close with my dad, he will probably need to be sedated if anything ever happens to his beloved grandad.
It's such a horrible fact of life though, and we just have to remember them fondly.

Stopped Clock

My mum died last year. She'd had early onset Alzheimer's for years so death was a release for her. Looking at someone you love being stolen from you by an incurable brain disease is horrendous. I had lost mum years before she physically died. I'm still processing it all and it still makes me cry. Having no mum by my side as I moved into adulthood is something I'll always grieve for.

corner of hells

My dad died about three years ago after struggling with dementia for about twelve years.I miss him terribly , however he had an outrageous irreverent sense of humour that I see in my 15 year old and 5 year old niece.

My mum is terminal now but has told us in her own words " I'm not feckin ' going anywhere yet".
Nearly fcuking four years terminally ill ? it's like a tribunal but longer at this stage.
Life is precious but I think.memories are priceless.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

corner of hells wrote: »

My dad died about three years ago after struggling with dementia for about twelve years.I miss him terribly , however he had an outrageous irreverent sense of humour that I see in my 15 year old and 5 year old niece.

My mum is terminal now but has told us in her own words " I'm not feckin ' going anywhere yet".
Nearly fcuking four years terminally ill ? it's like a tribunal but longer at this stage.
Life is precious but I think.memories are priceless.

This is it.

Wnhatever you do, tell your Mum whatever it is your most thankful for before she goes. I was told by relaitves that one of the best thigns I inherited from my father was my sense of humour, but it was only in retrosepct that I could see it, and I never got to thank him for it before he left.

Tell your parents what you are most greatful for now, before it's too late.

Hammer89

My mam passed away a couple of years ago.

I was a pretty bad son growing up, getting into trouble and whatnot, but over the past five or six years of her life I'd like to think I made up for causing her so many problems early on. We were really, really close at the time of her passing, which was from a brain haemorrhage.

The Thursday before she died, I told her there'd be a present waiting for when she got home from work. I always loved giving her random presents, for no reason, because she'd do it for me when I was little. I remember waking up one morning and finding two Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles in a package beside my bed.

She always said she'd get into Game of Thrones, after hearing me rave about it, but she wasn't internet savvy and they were three or four series deep at the time, so there was no real way of starting it from the beginning.

I was due to emigrate the following month, so it would've only been her and the dog in the house most nights. This was also around the time that Virgin Media rolled out UTV Ireland, which made her furious because she'd already seen most of the series that they were showing - Happy Valley, Broadchurch and stuff like that - so it was the perfect time to get her into a new show.

I went out on the Thursday and bought a DVD player, the first series of Game of Thrones and couldn't wait until she got home. I showed her the DVD first and she liked it, but was too polite to mention the fact that we had no DVD player, so I whipped that out and she was over the moon. I remember seeing that trick in About a Boy and just thought it was really sweet. She didn't get to watch it, as she was gone by the Sunday, but seeing what happened to (

Ned Stark

) would've put her in the grave anyway I imagine.

As I said, I was a proper little bastard in my teens, so naturally there was regrets - Why didn't I do this? Why didn't I do that? - but a bunch of little, but significant moments like what happened on the Thursday softened the blow in a big, big way. She knew I adored her and vice versa, so that was enough warmth for me throughout the grieving process.

As someone else said, remember the good times. Nothing else matters.

RobertKK

I use to think how would I cope when my parents die, but they got old...
My mother had Alzheimers but not very bad with it, when she was dying she had an infection and was in pain, and on morphine.
I always thought I would cry my eyes out when she died, but instead I felt relief for her and I was unable to cry. I was deeply deeply sad with the emptiness knowing I would no longer see her, and I did feel guilty I shed no tears.

I thought my father would die earlier this year, as he got very sick and we were told to be prepared for it, he is very old and at an age where you have to expect it.

If they were at a stage of life where it was not expected, not sick or a sudden death, I know it would have been different, but I knew my mother was dying when she was and mentally I am a strong person.
In the end, you usually just cope in your own way. I know people who seem to cope very well, I met a person last year whose husband had died 5 years previously, and she had not coped well.
I don't want to sound cold, but she was living in the past and still in the grief stage years later and said her son was still not coping well, he is well in his 30s. For me death is a part of life, you grieve but you have to move on as life moves on and you have to let go. Letting go doesn't mean you forget.
You just need to find a way to move on.

JupiterKid

Lost my mother at age 15 - she was just shy of 47. It was sudden.

Lost my father in 2014 - he had terminal pancreatic cancer and was 74 years of age. There's not a day does by when I don't think of them and their love for me. You never get over it really.

Those who still have parents or have a parent - cherish your time with them because there will be a time when they are no longer there.

JupiterKid

Lost my mother at age 15 - she was just shy of 47. It was sudden.

Lost my father in 2014 - he had terminal pancreatic cancer and was 74 years of age. There's not a day does by when I don't think of them and their love for me. You never get over it really.

Those who still have parents or have a parent - cherish your time with them because there will be a time when they are no longer there.

My Dad died in the mid 00s.

He was a wonderful man, completely spoiled me, we were inseparable. He never so much as raised his voice.

But when he died, it was the right time. He'd had a few strokes, his quality of life was gone. That probably made it a lot easier for us.

All the family, mam, siblings, grandkids, even great grandkids etc. meet every year in some hotel around the country on the weekend nearest the anniversary of his death, and have a good laugh.

HandsomeBob

wakka12 wrote: »

I just cant actually believe that so many people have dead parents and their life just goes on as normal, I will be absolutely devastated I actually think about it quite regularly because I know how hard itll be when it happens.

Never ever seeing the person who cared for you your whole life again, the one who got you through everything and loved you no matter what, leaves a knot in my stomach.

Having the wherewithal to know something is inevitable isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's only a bad thing if the fear paralyses you in life.

When my oul lad hit 70 the thought that he would die at some point became very real to me so I resolved to spend as much time as I could with him. So over the next 4 years we had a great buzz to the point where he became my best friend.

Unfortunately he passed away 2 years at Christmas and while the fact we had become so close made his loss so painful in the short term, in the long term I've been able to look back and smile about the time we had spent with each other.

As someone said to me recently grief is the price you pay for love, but it's not an impossible price to live with.

Romantic Rose

I lost my mother when she was 62 and I was 25. It was my first real experience of losing a loved one and I found it unbearable. I felt cheated as all my friends still have their parents and the way she passed away was horrific. Cancer and a stroke and a fall out of bed, then losing her speech.

I still go through periods of deep grief. I know that if my mother was here, she would have been such a positive influence on my children. She was so gentle and loving. I'm so lucky that I had such an amazing mother but I'm devastated that she went far too early

AndyBoBandy

My dad died of cancer on my 22nd birthday. Was given 2 weeks but lasted about a month. Probably took a few years before it actually hit me!

So yeah, birthdays are sound and have been for the last 12 years or so.

Gwynplaine

Mother in 2009, father in 2013. It still hurts, but it does get easier. Christmas and birthdays are tough, but you have to move on. Photos and memories are great.
'When you have your mother, treasure her with care, for you'll never know her value, til you see her empty chair'

MarkY91

My dad died 10 years ago when I was 16. I'm mostly fine but sometimes it canhet emotional hearing is favourite songs or when I experience something that I would have liked to have experienced with him. I'm fine now otherwise. Obviously it took some time to be ok again though. The initial months after the death, i tried to keep myself busy and distract my mind with other things to keep sad thoughts away.

fixXxer

My Mother died 7 years ago. Ovarian cancer, treatable maybe except that she probably ignored symptoms until it was too late. My sister was away in Scotland at the time, came home to see how mum was getting on. She left on Friday and mum died the following Sunday. I hope I never have to have a phone conversation like that again. My dad fell apart completely and for months after would call over to my wife and I and just sit and cry. I don't think I was able to grieve properly at the time as I had to try and keep the other two afloat. Mum was the heart of the family and her death ripped it out of us for a long time. Things are better now time has passed, but I do often look at my three children born since then and think how she would have loved to have known them

osarusan

My mother is still going strong, but my father died about 7 months ago. He had lung cancer and it just washed over him in a little over a month (from the diagnosis - he obviously had it for a while before being diagnosed).

Without a doubt, the most painful thing in my life so far, and the worst part is my mother calling me to ask 'how I am dealing with it', which means that she is going through a particularly rough time. At least I have a wife and kids and life can get back to normal, but for her, there is no normal to get back to, ever, and I can't even comprehend how somebody deals with that emotional and physical absence after nearly 50 years of life together.

But, like others have said, time really does heal the wounds. I can deal with it by knowing that he'd had a long life, and been happy, and left happy people behind, and the amount of pain and sadness we all feel is an indicator of how we all felt about him while he was alive.

whoopsadoodles

I dread the day.

Best wishes OP

Aglomerado

It hasn't happened yet and they are both in their early 70s and still in good nick.

I dread the day it happens though, I can't imagine what it will be like.

I remember when my dad turned 40 and thinking it was really old. I'm 40 now myself!

Sorry to OP and others on this thread for your losses.

valoren

Not yet, but I find myself mentally preparing for the grievous blow from it a lot these days.

what the hell!

Some lovely messages, balling here in work. Very sorry to hear of everyone's losses.

branie2

My parents are still alive, thank God

andrew1977

Lost my dad ( my hero ) , June 2016, will never stop missing him.
You will never stop missing them , you just learn to live with it a bit better.

Small things in life trigger it some days, a small victory in sport he would have cherished happened earlier this year, it hits you like a train at that moment. I would have loved to have had him with me in the stand that day. It was him who bred the love /joy we shared in the sport into me.

Will never forget the lunatic that he was in a truly magnificent way. My dad !

banie01

rafi bomb wrote: »

How are you supposed to cope in all honesty?

At the time it's a bit of a blur but it's true what they say it really hits you months after.

Any tips on How To cope I'd you've experienced it?

O.P, There is a bereavement support forum over in Personal Issues that really has some great posters and advice.
Granted, responses are usually a bit slower than here on A.H but there is a world of advice and assistance available there.

I am heartened and delighted I must say to see the support offered already in AH, its nice to see we arent always just on a mission to extract the urine

OP, I am sorry for your loss, I.hope you find the strength and support you need. Grief is a journey, the days between it overwhelming you will grow but they wont(in my experience at least) ever stop completely. Its a process of learning to adjust to a new "normal". One without the person you love. Its finding a new way to cope, swimming in strange waters.

Deise Vu

I think it depends on age and circumstances. My dad died at 91 (no it wasn't Hugh Hefner but thanks for asking). He stayed active up to the last six months when he just visibly withered away spending time in and out of hospital or recovering in old folks homes and there were occasional bouts of mild dementia. I don;t know how I would have handled it if we had lost him when he was full of life but, in the end, I think he just gave up himself and it was almost a relief when he finally slipped away. My brothers, who live away and didn't witness the decline in his health, took it way worse than I or my sisters did.

He lived a great life and long enough to see great-grandchildren. We all have to go sometime and he was never in bad health or major financial worries so I doubt he had any regrets or missed out on a thing which was a great comfort to me.

Macy0161

My dad died aged 50, when I was just gone 18 - he knew it had got bad but didn't tell the family as he didn't want to disrupt my exams. My mam died 4 years ago, aged 63. Both of them of cancer, both after years of treatment and some periods of remission, and both of which could've/ should've been picked up earlier - those "what if's" still play on my mind tbh*.

As to how to cope - you just have to get on with it. Time does make it easier, and their often in my thoughts and I try to tell my own children about them (they did meet their granny at least).

*any female readers, don't accept continual "it's just a kidney infection" if it can't be shifted is all I'll say.

c68zapdsm5i1ru

My father died five years ago. I still think about him every day. But even when someone's physically gone from your life, they have influenced it so much that they still remain very much a part of it and a part of your family life. For me losing a parent made me realise what really matters in life - I know that sounds clichéd but I really do value time with family, creating memories, connecting back to things that made me happy as a child and things like that much more since I lost my father.

I'm also religious and genuinely believe in an afterlife, so that has been a huge help and consolation to me.

kieran.

My older brother(best friend) died in car accident when 13 years ago I was just about to turn 21, my Dad died after a lengthy lung condition in Dec 2015. Such is life and there is nothing you can do about it, there is no point dwelling on it, get back up on the horse and keep on riding. Do you miss them you sure do make sure the good memories out last that feeling of loss.

rafi bomb

rafi bomb wrote: »

.................... I'm angery in general and just don't care about anything. Honestly see people with their dads and I know it's wrong but I'm so bitter I think **** u having that

I was like that when my mother passed away.

I found/find comfort in that really, shows you loved them.

Nerdlingr

As cliche as it is but time really is a healer, its true! My dad passed away 21 years ago. The loss will always be there , you just learn to live with it better over time.
One thing i'd say is, and i only heard it again recently on the radio, that its the persons voice that you tend to forget/ becomes a bit blurred. Everything else you remember, how they look , how they acted etc... I had a tape somewhere at home with my dad's voice on it, i was recording him for some reason years ago...its the only record i have of his voice but i cant find it. We have all the photos etc but it would be nice to hear his voice again :(

brownbinman

Both mine are gone. Mother when I was 14 from cancer and Dad when 28 from motor neuron. Looked after Dad when he was sick, pretty sure I had PTSD or something similar afterwards

Always had the mentality of picking myself up, dusting myself down and going on for them

wakka12

Hammer89 wrote: »

My mam passed away a couple of years ago.

I was a pretty bad son growing up, getting into trouble and whatnot, but over the past five or six years of her life I'd like to think I made up for causing her so many problems early on. We were really, really close at the time of her passing, which was from a brain haemorrhage.

The Thursday before she died, I told her there'd be a present waiting for when she got home from work. I always loved giving her random presents, for no reason, because she'd do it for me when I was little. I remember waking up one morning and finding two Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles in a package beside my bed.

She always said she'd get into Game of Thrones, after hearing me rave about it, but she wasn't internet savvy and they were three or four series deep at the time, so there was no real way of starting it from the beginning.

I was due to emigrate the following month, so it would've only been her and the dog in the house most nights. This was also around the time that Virgin Media rolled out UTV Ireland, which made her furious because she'd already seen most of the series that they were showing - Happy Valley, Broadchurch and stuff like that - so it was the perfect time to get her into a new show.

I went out on the Thursday and bought a DVD player, the first series of Game of Thrones and couldn't wait until she got home. I showed her the DVD first and she liked it, but was too polite to mention the fact that we had no DVD player, so I whipped that out and she was over the moon. I remember seeing that trick in About a Boy and just thought it was really sweet. She didn't get to watch it, as she was gone by the Sunday, but seeing what happened to (

Ned Stark

) would've put her in the grave anyway I imagine.

As I said, I was a proper little bastard in my teens, so naturally there was regrets - Why didn't I do this? Why didn't I do that? - but a bunch of little, but significant moments like what happened on the Thursday softened the blow in a big, big way. She knew I adored her and vice versa, so that was enough warmth for me throughout the grieving process.

As someone else said, remember the good times. Nothing else matters.

Thats a very sweet story, I think youre lucky in that way, being so close at the time of her passing. I actually cant imagine what it must be like if a loved one passes suddenyl whom you happened to be on bad terms with at the time, must be absolutely life ruining honestly. Id never get over it

Boom_Bap

I still think of my dad every day. My mind also plays tricks on me and I try hard to remember what I was thinking about the previous day, or if I even thought about him at all. Like how is it possible that I went a day without thinking about him.

But I also try to honour him every day by living by his example and passing that on to my kids and missus.

wakka12

Gosh this threads too much for me. Every post has me close to tears

The_Kew_Tour

I'm not best for advice or to Educate anyone but if I have one some advice for people

Tell them how much you love them and how much they mean to you
Don't hold a stupid grudge
And don't get money or land get in way of caring and loving someone, we all end up in same place at end of day.

inforfun

Dad died while on holidays. Was sudden and i was too occupied to make sure i got my mom back home from there to feel too sad.
Mom died of Alzheimer's and in all honesty, i was relieved when she passed.
To see your parent slowly but certainly turn into basically a baby, a person who doesnt recognise you anymore, is something i even dont want to see my worst enemies go through.

This might offend a few people maybe so i ll "spoiler" it

It is the downside of modern medicine i think, it keeps people alive long after they stopped being human. She could have really done without those last 3 years of her live and so did I.

witchgirl26

rafi bomb wrote: »

How are you supposed to cope in all honesty?

At the time it's a bit of a blur but it's true what they say it really hits you months after.

Any tips on How To cope I'd you've experienced it?

There's no real way to cope to be honest. My dad died 9.5 years ago when I was 22. I don't think it properly hit me until about 4 years after. I found having things to focus on got me through the worst of the first few months. I had exams and they just gave me something that was not his death that I had to deal with.

It's odd but you do just cope. You keep going - first it's one hour at a time, then each day, then each week and so on. Don't put pressure on yourself to heal within a certain length of time. Grief is always there - your world expands but the ball of grief remains the same and can hit at random points. Accepting that and acknowledging it does help.

Like someone else said - remembering the good times and memories. Laughing about the silly things that happened.

wakka12 wrote: »

I just cant actually believe that so many people have dead parents and their life just goes on as normal, I will be absolutely devastated I actually think about it quite regularly because I know how hard itll be when it happens.

Never ever seeing the person who cared for you your whole life again, the one who got you through everything and loved you no matter what, leaves a knot in my stomach.

Life doesn't go on as normal though. It can seem that way but it's never the same. I am not the same person I was before my dad's death. I'm more emotional, sadder, and more likely to tell people I love how I feel. For a lot of people it looks like I'm just going about life as normal and it some ways I am. You can't curl up in a ball forever. If nothing else I doubt it's what any parent wants for their child.

My dad spent some of his last weeks researching cars I should learn to drive in and asking about my exams that were coming up. Talking to me about my future because he wanted me to have one and to enjoy my life. To not try to do that would be disrespecting his memory in my opinion. That said, I'm sat writing this with tears in my eyes because I miss him but I'm not going to let it stop me going out for a few drinks with friends later. For him I go on and try to live a full life because I honestly don't think he'd want me to spend my life just mourning the loss of his.

Crea

I remember hearing a good analogy about grief. It's like a wave - sometimes is ferocious and strong and will knock you off your and sometimes it'll be the the warm swell off a happy memory. Go with the waves, allow yourself to feel the grief.

Some of your stories are heartbreaking, folks. I hope it all gets easier for all of you. I've still got both parents but lost a sibling several years ago, I'm still struggling with that even though it does get easier to think about as time goes on. I dread the day my parents go, I can't imagine how I'll cope but I suppose I will, like everyone else does to a lesser or greater degree.

My more immediate concern is my grandparents. I've very close to my maternal grandmother and my paternal grandfather, and they're mid-eighties and early nineties respectively. Every day, I feel it moving closer and it does weigh on me. Whatever the cost is in heartbreak, I'm sure it'll have been worth it to have loved them and have had them love me.

Ash.J.Williams

My dad died recently at 80. He achieved everything he wanted in life so I'm happy with that.

Rubberlegs

My Dad died in 2010 4 months after his diagnosis. It was the most horrific time watching him go from being an energetic man, never sick a day to a little old man in a wheelchair. I don't think you can ever recover from watching someone take their last breath, but time does heal the pain. I think about him every day, it is easy now as I just remember the funny stuff and good times. I remind myself of him a lot too . It is sad that he never met 2 of his 4 grandchildren but they will hear all about him as they grow up. It is a little harder this year as my mother is now ill, incurable but treatable, and so much has changed for us all again with her diagnosis. In a sense it was a blessing he went before her, he took it hard when she was first ill years ago, I don't think he could have coped with her being ill again. Sorry for your loss, OP