I'm being bullied

kaiser31

At the grand old age of 39 I find myself in the unenviable position of being bullied at work. It has never happened to me before and I find myself paralysed by it. It's bloody awful and I don't know what to do about it. I always considered myself to be a nice person, a good employee and a great work mate but my colleague has come for me with such vitriol and aggression and it's knocked me for six. I dread coming to work every morning, I spend my weekends dreading Monday. It's a vicious never ending circle. I don't know what to do? The boss knows because our former colleague told him on her last day but he just told me to be a big girl and deal with her. So I won't get any support there. I'm worn.

Mister Gooey

Is there a HR department at your workplace? If so, raise a complaint immediately.

Squatman

Rise to it. Pull her aside some day, tell her she is behaving unprofessionally towards you and you will not accept it. Then go to your supervisor, tell him what has happened, and that you want her supervisor informed too. I did similar in work a few years ago and the person changed in an instant. (Im aware that its situation dependent, and people here will also tell you "lifes too short, find work elsewhere etc. but for gods sake stick up for yourself. Shes picking on you because your allowing yourself to be picked on!!)

kaiser31

This person is the HR contact. We have an outside HR company that does contracts etc

Wheety

Is this a colleague at the same level as you or a supervisor?

dev100

kaiser31 wrote:

This person is the HR contact. We have an outside HR company that does contracts etc

Log and detail every interaction with this person absolutely everything .... generally HR only do stuff like this because they are being directed to by a boss etc . When you have armed yourself with enough evidence present it to your boss in an official capacity ie email etc and let them deal with it .

kaiser31

She is the same level. It's a really small company, only 12 of us.

I know I need to stand up for myself but I think she is trying to goad me into something.

She has form for this behaviour, my predecessor left over the same thing.

I've started documenting stuff and when I read over it's mental behaviour.

Wheety

Tell your boss that he needs to do something about this situation and it's not good enough to just tell you to be a big girl. Tell him you are being bullied and the company should be protecting it's staff from this type of behavior.

kaiser31

I know I need to do something. Jesus it's tough going, you never realise how bad it is until it's happening to you.

Wheety

It can be very tough in that situation as you feel that trying to stand up for yourself will make you look like a trouble maker. And sometimes you think that maybe you are in the wrong. Bullies only pick on people they think will let them away with their behavior.

Is she bullying anyone else?

kaiser31

Wheety wrote: »

It can be very tough in that situation as you feel that trying to stand up for yourself will make you look like a trouble maker. And sometimes you think that maybe you are in the wrong. Bullies only pick on people they think will let them away with their behavior.

Is she bullying anyone else?

No, I have her sole attention at the moment. I'm only here ten months so I'm fresh blood. She gave the last girl in my job a desperate time of it. This girl complained and complained but she got nowhere. She left the company because she couldn't take it anymore. And the bully has absolutely blackened this poor girls name.

Squatman

can you give more specific examples, and maybe we could suggest appropriate responses that you could rehearse for when the situation arises. dont focus on logging stuff - that will only help if you go to court. that a long term aid, not a quick solution. you really need to stick up for yourself. Note, the first time you stick up for yourself is the hardest. Every time after that becomes easier, and frankly more enjoyable. Finally, never, never leave work annoyed or pissed off. always leave work having pissed some one off or annoyed

Fire with fire, discretely

gerrybbadd

Your bosses response is unacceptable. When bullying has been brought to the attention of your boss, they are meant to respond and act accordingly immediately.

If you ever brought a court case against the company, your boss would simply not have a leg to stand on.

As others have suggested, log everything. Dates, times, what was said etc. Including interactions with your boss.

kaiser31

At the moment I'm killing her with kindness and that's driving her even more nuts. I'm very polite please & thanks you etc. I may be paranoid but I think she's trying to get me cross so I will back fire.

smelly sock

kaiser31 wrote: »

At the grand old age of 39 I find myself in the unenviable position of being bullied at work. It has never happened to me before and I find myself paralysed by it. It's bloody awful and I don't know what to do about it. I always considered myself to be a nice person, a good employee and a great work mate but my colleague has come for me with such vitriol and aggression and it's knocked me for six. I dread coming to work every morning, I spend my weekends dreading Monday. It's a vicious never ending circle. I don't know what to do? The boss knows because our former colleague told him on her last day but he just told me to be a big girl and deal with her. So I won't get any support there. I'm worn.

What exactly is happening?

valoren

Squatman wrote: »

Rise to it. Pull her aside some day, tell her she is behaving unprofessionally towards you and you will not accept it. Then go to your supervisor, tell him what has happened, and that you want her supervisor informed too. I did similar in work a few years ago and the person changed in an instant. (Im aware that its situation dependent, and people here will also tell you "lifes too short, find work elsewhere etc. but for gods sake stick up for yourself. Shes picking on you because your allowing yourself to be picked on!!)

I'd be careful there. Pull her aside and mention it yes, but do it in the presence of the supervisor. Bullies at work like that will simply turn such a situation into a 'he said/she said' scenario. If confronting the bully in this case always do it with a witness, as they can't make up anything then.

OP, I'd also not feel embarrassed by this. To be the target for a bully like that means you must have something about you that they need to destroy. You could for instance be better at your job than her, you may be more popular and respected with colleagues (out of your earshot but within her's), she might even be doing it for her own gratification. It could be anything. To deal with it means you need to show to her that you won't take any of her **** but you need to do it using the framework provided in work to deal with it. I know a lot of companies who would rather brush something like this under the carpet but if you bring a legitimate case of bullying against them and they haven't dealt with it appropriately then the prospect of financial penalty and reputational damage will get them acting promptly.

kaiser31

It's things like if I'm in a room and she walks in, she will storm out.

If She is in the kitchen and I go in there she's start bang presses and slamming plates whilst actually hissing at me.

She will stand talking to the person sitting beside me, with her back to me ghosting me.

If she has a question about my work she won't ask me about it, she'll go to someone else. When they direct her to me she still won't ask.

We used to engaged kinda normally before but if i asked a question she would rage at me. If my opinion differed to her, she would scream at me. So I just stopped engaging with the crazy.

There's loads more stuff that I've kinda normalised in my head at this stage but I'm so sick of it.

smelly sock

kaiser31 wrote: »

It's things like if I'm in a room and she walks in, she will storm out.

If She is in the kitchen and I go in there she's start bang presses and slamming plates whilst actually hissing at me.

She will stand talking to the person sitting beside me, with her back to me ghosting me.

If she has a question about my work she won't ask me about it, she'll go to someone else. When they direct her to me she still won't ask.

We used to engaged kinda normally before but if i asked a question she would rage at me. If my opinion differed to her, she would scream at me. So I just stopped engaging with the crazy.

There's loads more stuff that I've kinda normalised in my head at this stage but I'm so sick of it.

Ah listen, that person has mental issues I'd say.

Stick up for yourself and I bet the bullying will stop.

kaiser31

smelly sock wrote: »

Ah listen, that person has mental issues I'd say.

Stick up for yourself and I bet the bullying will stop.

I honestly thini that will make her worse but I'll try it. I used to laugh it off but it's really getting me down. If I'm honest, I'm half afraid of her. I feel sick every morning coming in wondering what ****e will hit the fan today.

fryup

what the history behind this?? something must have happened??

c'mon OP spill the beans

Dermo

Can you stop engaging with her directly and do everything through email (cc'ing your boss every time)?
I would do that, but inform the boss that you are going to start doing that and cc'ing them on everything

kaiser31

fryup wrote: »

what the history behind this?? something must have happened??

c'mon OP spill the beans

I actually wish something happened then I'd know what the feck I did out of the way!!!

kaiser31

Dermo wrote: »

Can you stop engaging with her directly and do everything through email (cc'ing your boss every time)?
I would do that, but inform the boss that you are going to start doing that and cc'ing them on everything

I already cc the boss on everything

Meeeee79

Is there anyone above your boss you could talk to?

The fact that your boss has been informed of this and has told you to basically suck it up means you would really have grounds to bring it to the next level. It sounds like an institutional issue in the whole company if it just being accepted like this and thats just not right.

Mind yourself and your own mental health though, if you need a break away from her take afew sick days and if it becomes an issue tell them you feel your mental health may suffer if this continues.

philstar

kaiser31 wrote: »

I actually wish something happened then I'd know what the feck I did out of the way!!!

you must have some inkling

*how long has she worked there?

*was she always like this? if not when did her attitude change?

*did you get a pay rise and she didn't..that kinda scenario ever happen?

Bredabe

I cant offer much help to you, but to say, there are lots of ppl in the world that will tell you that bulling is your fault, that's easy to believe when you are receiving it constantly and you are on your own in it.

HER BULLYING IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

If she has issues other than being a wagon, its up to her to sort them, not for a second should you suffer for them. Trinity college has a department that are supposed to offer help on cases like this, two books that helped us in the situation are, Happy at work and Bully in sight. I dont have details to hand, but If you pm me, I'll get the authors for you.

Details everything and say nothing to her without witnesses, ghosting is particularly horrible, as its a deliberate act to exclude you from what you should be part of. In it self a bulling act.

If you are paying a union, ask them for guidance, tho in my experience there is more bulling in non union workplaces. Dont be a hero, if there is no support for you there and no improvement in her behavior, move!, none will give you a medal for enduring.

kaiser31

Meeeee79 wrote: »

Is there anyone above your boss you could talk to?

The fact that your boss has been informed of this and has told you to basically suck it up means you would really have grounds to bring it to the next level. It sounds like an institutional issue in the whole company if it just being accepted like this and thats just not right.

Mind yourself and your own mental health though, if you need a break away from her take afew sick days and if it becomes an issue tell them you feel your mental health may suffer if this continues.

My direct boss is the MD and owner of the company so the buck stops with him

ambro25

I feel for you, OP. In a reverse angle kind of way. Long time since I chanced upon a bullying-at-work story/thread, but yours all brought it home again (not a criticism ).

I was accused of bullying last year. Completely out of the blue, after 8 years working without any problem whatsoever (quite cordially, actually) with my accuser, nor with anyone else, and an unblemished disciplinary record.

The context was that she was leaving the company for the competition (unknown to us at the time, this came out later in the wash), and she had long had (company-known) mental health issues with medical follow-up.

Now I'm not saying that my employer (small firm, director-owned, I was and am the only other director) should have shielded me/backed me up/brushed it under the carpet at all. We followed due process and the internal disciplinary procedure.

But my co-director sided with her at the first instance hearing and pronounced a disciplinary sanction against me, even though her 'evidence' was far less than equivocal (it was basically how she read and interpreted interactions in her head, conflicted and anxious as she was, rather than how such interactions -objectively- really were; she did not have any clear evidence or even a persuasive web and -hand on heart- I never treated her any differently from anyone else, of any level, never had anything but professional respect for her). There were reasons for my co-director to want to 'pacify' her, i.e. keeping her in the firm, and I took that decision as his sweetener to her.

When I appealed, my co-director and our HR-cum-agency-manager bod started using all sorts of 'soft' threats (e.g. proposing to involve a barrister to represent the firm in the appeal), to the extent where I had to involve my own solicitor. The appeal was eventually done by an independent third party (professional HR service supplier), who cleared me completely (as expected). My firm wouldn't even make a token payment towards my legal fees.

I'm still here now, a good year on. But in the meantime, I've taken my foot completely off the gas pedal (I used to be 75% gross profitable after pay and share overheads, this year I've been 0.05%), studiously avoided any kind of social interaction with <anything/anyone> work-related (no Xmas do, no summer do, no drinks with colleagues <etc.>) and been interviewing in anger.

I'm shortly to drop my notice on them completely unexpectedly, which will really put them up s**t creek. As in, from barely in the black in 2016, to comfortably in the red for 2017 and 2018 (at least), with redundancies <etc.> They can all die with their gob open in the gutter, for all I care.

Morale of the story: if your employer won't do the decent thing and at least follow an internal complaints procedure, then try not to get mad about this, but try and cast it all to the back of your mind while you get busy getting even quick-smart

Bredabe

ambro25 wrote: »

I feel for you, OP. In a reverse angle kind of way. Long time since I chanced upon a bullying-at-work story/thread, but yours all brought it home again (not a criticism ).

I was accused of bullying last year. Completely out of the blue, after 8 years working without any problem whatsoever (quite cordially, actually) with my accuser, nor with anyone else, and an unblemished disciplinary record.

The context was that she was leaving the company for the competition (unknown to us at the time, this came out later in the proceedings), and she had long had (company-known) mental health issues with medical follow-up.

Now I'm not saying that my employer should have shielded me/backed me up/brushed it under the carpet at all. We followed due process and the internal disciplinary procedure.

But my employer sided with her at the first instance hearing and pronounced a disciplinary sanction against me, even though her 'evidence' was far less than equivocal (it was basically how she read and interpreted interactions in her head, conflicted and anxious as she was, rather than how such interactions -objectively- really were; she did not have any clear evidence or even a persuasive web and -hand on heart- I never treated her any differently from anyone else, of any level, never had anything but professional respect for her). There were reasons for my employer to want to 'pacify' her, i.e. keeping her in the firm, and I took that decision as his sweetener to her.

When I appealed, the employer started using all sorts of 'soft' threats (e.g. proposing to involve a barrister to represent the firm in the appeal), to the extent where I had to involve my own solicitor. The appeal was eventually done by an independent third party (professional HR service supplier), who cleared me completely (as expected). My employer wouldn't even make a token payment towards my legal fees.

I'm still here now, a good year on. But in the meantime, I've taken my foot completely off the gas pedal (I used to be 75% gross profitable after pay and share overheads, this year I've been 0.05%), studiously avoided any kind of social interaction with <anything/anyone> work-related (no Xmas do, no summer do, no drinks with colleagues <etc.>) and been interviewing in anger.

I'm shortly to drop my notice on them completely unexpectedly, which will really put them up s**t creek. As in, from barely in the black in 2016, to comfortably in the red for 2017 and 2018 (at least), with redundancies <etc.>

Morale of the story: if your employer won't do the decent thing and at least follow an internal complaints procedure, then try not to get mad about this, but try and cast it all to the back of your mind while you get busy getting even quick-smart

So often screaming Bully! is the fall back of a certain type. I cant understand what ppl get from this, but it seems to be an ok thing to do.

Meeeee79

kaiser31 wrote: »

My direct boss is the MD and owner of the company so the buck stops with him

Unfortunately explains why she has been allowed get away with this then.

I once went through something similar but it was the boss herself who was the bully. Like you I dreaded every single day walking in to that place and have never experienced the "sunday fear" quite like i used to when working there! I stayed for about 15 months but in the end had to get out.

The passive aggressiveness was something that was very hard to explain to anyone else. If you tell someone this person is turning their back to me while having a conversation or banging cupboards loudly unfortunately you can sound like you're describing a school yard fight between two 6 six year olds and this is what I found really hard as nobody else understood really. In the end staying there just wasnt worth it, I moved on and settled into a new job with normal people who dont have issues like this woman seems to where she has to take it out on another innocent colleague.

I would really weigh up your options and think strongly about whether its worth the fight. If it is then your only option is to pull her aside and have it out with her as two adults. We work to live not live to work.