A Guy I Met Online

O'Neill

Hi folks

Apologies, this might be a bit of a long post and very trivial but it is something which has bothered me to be honest. So I'm gay, came out a few years ago and only started to meet other guys around then as well. Last summer, I've been chatting this guy online quite frequently, seemed like we got along and had stuff in common. He's not out himself, he says that he's not really interested in a relationship as his father is homophobic so he was afraid to get found out, so I knew what I was getting myself into.

Eventually we met about a week later. We went to a pub only for a few hours, felt we got on in person straight away. After a few hours, I couldn't help but feel like he had to leave so we parted ways. I texted him that I enjoyed it and would definitely be up for meeting again. He said the same thing. After that, our messages became sporadic to the point they just fizzled out. I took the hint but felt very confused as I thought we got on very well.

Out of the blue about 4 months later (January this year) he randomly messages me on the same site we first met, which surprised me. I texted him back and we began chatting again, we added each on Facebook. He told me that he would like to see me again, I agreed. About a few weeks later I asked if he wants to meet up again in the next few weeks, he didn't reply and after a few days I just messaged him if he doesn't really want to meet up again it's cool (in other words, don't waste my time), his exact words to that were 'I do want to meet, of course I do, haven't seen you in ages.' His reply suggested that he really did want to meet. Eventually we got to meet up again around the beginning of Febuary for a few hours. again we got on very well and he was smiling at me all the time. Like the last time, we could only meet for a few hours (much to my disappointment) and we parted ways.

Ever since then, we've been chatting quite frequently but we haven't met up since. To cut a long story short, found out he's been dating someone, they went to Hungary together in March however he hasn't mentioned anything about it at all to be until I asked him about it a few months ago. Now, it was always platonic, we never slept together but I was just thinking the fact we've been chatting for over a year, something might happen, clearly I was wrong! This not only really upset me that he was dating someone but I wasn't even someone he confided in, so I questioned as to what the point of our friendship was. I decided to delete him off Facebook which I regret doing but I was really hurt by it to be honest and I also wasn't sure if his partner was comfortable with him talking to other guys (even if they were purely platonic) I told him that I deleted him. he added me straight away and said 'no don't delete, it's no problem what so ever, why did you do that, i'm a bit sad now.' I was a bit taken back by his reply to be honest. We're still in contact now and again.

Here's the thing, I'm more than happy being friends with person however I felt that he should have made it a bit more clear what his intentions were and I really don't understand as to why he needs me as friend given that I wasn't even someone he confided that he met someone. What are peoples thoughts?

imme

Whatever replies you get OP it will be peoples opinions of what you've said.

It is your side that we're aware of as it's your side of the story.

It looks to have been a relationship of sorts that you had with this guy, maybe more a friendship as there was no follow up, you seem to have wanted a relationship with the guy,

You don't explain why your meetins with him were so relatively short or shorter than you wanted or as infrequent as you wanted


Is it that you wanted a relationship and he was looking for some kind of friendship or gay sounding board.

O'Neill

imme wrote: »

Whatever replies you get OP it will be peoples opinions of what you've said.

It is your side that we're aware of as it's your side of the story.

It looks to have been a relationship of sorts that you had with this guy, maybe more a friendship as there was no follow up, you seem to have wanted a relationship with the guy,

You don't explain why your meetins with him were so relatively short or shorter than you wanted or as infrequent as you wanted


Is it that you wanted a relationship and he was looking for some kind of friendship or gay sounding board.

Oh weren't in a relationship at all! I did want to date him but still more than happy to be his friend. I'm just upset that he didn't mention to me at all that he's dating this guy, I wasn't even someone he could confide, especially him not being out, we talked about each others family!

I'm really confused tbh, by and large it always takes him days to respond to my messages but when I told him I deleted him off Facebook, he responded straight away! It'll be sad to loose our friendship now given we've been in contact for over a year and a half.

Ten of Swords

Did he know that you perhaps saw something long term developing between you two?

It sounds like he has always thought of you as a friend, whether he was flirty with you or not when you met up. When you first met online did you indicate you were looking for a friendship or something else? To me it seems like your feelings grew over time and his did not which has led to crossed wires. I don't know why he didn't tell you he had a boyfriend, have you asked him why? Do you know when they started going out, it may have been before he messaged you in February. I don't think he set out to deceive you or lie by omission, maybe you both have varying interpretations of what you feel comfortable to confide in each other.

If he has always seen you as a friend then I can certainly understand his confusion when you deleted him from Facebook. Unless you gave him a clear reason for it then that's going to be hurtful to him especially if he's not out and has a potentially limited gay social circle.

You mentioned that you weren't sure if his partner would be comfortable with him talking to you online. Was that just an excuse/justification for deleting him or do you really believe that? Platonic friendships should not cause jealousy in normal circumstances. If talking to you did cause an issue then it's the boyfriend's problem not yours, you can't manage the reactions of someone you've never even met. I have a social circle of gay and bisexual friends and so does my partner but I've never felt insecure about him being with his friends when I'm not there.

imme

O'Neill wrote: »

Oh weren't in a relationship at all! I did want to date him but still more than happy to be his friend. I'm just upset that he didn't mention to me at all that he's dating this guy, I wasn't even someone he could confide, especially him not being out, we talked about each others family!

I'm really confused tbh, by and large it always takes him days to respond to my messages but when I told him I deleted him off Facebook, he responded straight away! It'll be sad to loose our friendship now given we've been in contact for over a year and a half.

Not meaning to sound harsh, was it much of a friendship.
He didn't confide in you, for whatever reason, about his own relationship.


You seem to have wanted something physical with him.

That didn't happen for whatever reason.

O'Neill

imme wrote: »

Not meaning to sound harsh, was it much of a friendship.
He didn't confide in you, for whatever reason, about his own relationship.


You seem to have wanted something physical with him.

That didn't happen for whatever reason.

The thing is we've been in contact since Summer last year and the both time we've met, we got on really well, he said that himself. Whenever I met him the second time, after we got some food in the pub, he wanted a more intimate chat about his sexuality, it seemed like he wanted someone to talk about it but I'm doubting myself now. As soon as I found out about his relationship, I said that I was happy that he found someone and wished him well, he replied back that 'you will find someone, you're a lovely guy, you just need to be positive.'

LLMMLL

He was messing you about big time OP. I think some of the replies so far aren't cynical enough. If you hang around the Personal Issues forum long enough you learn all the danger signs.

Being in a relationship, meeting a different guy off an app, not telling that guy you're in a relationship is a choice. It's not an oversight. It's not like he wanted a friend and just forgot to mention his bf. He deliberately chose not to tell you.

Not making any effort until it looks like you're gonna move on and then throwing you some attention "please don't unfriend me" is classic keeping you on the hook behaviour.

It's impossible to know why he did it. Misses flirting, considering dumping the bf etc. Who knows. It really doesn't matter.

Disassociate from this guy's and do not be friends with him.

O'Neill

LLMMLL wrote: »

He was messing you about big time OP. I think some of the replies so far aren't cynical enough. If you hang around the Personal Issues forum long enough you learn all the danger signs.

Being in a relationship, meeting a different guy off an app, not telling that guy you're in a relationship is a choice. It's not an oversight. It's not like he wanted a friend and just forgot to mention his bf. He deliberately chose not to tell you.

Not making any effort until it looks like you're gonna move on and then throwing you some attention "please don't unfriend me" is classic keeping you on the hook behaviour.

It's impossible to know why he did it. Misses flirting, considering dumping the bf etc. Who knows. It really doesn't matter.

Disassociate from this guy's and do not be friends with him.

To be honest, it sounds like your right. I know I shouldn't dwell on it and just forget about him but I just can't for the life of me understand what he would gain by messing me around. We never slept together, he never flirted with me and all of our conversations have been totally platonic, he might as well have been straight. I kind of knew he wasn't attracted to me but it seems now like he wasn't even a friend. Why has he completely wasted not just my time, but his time. I am upset to be honest but I need to move on. Thanks for all your advice guys!

adam88

Op. Had something similiar. Texting a lad for ages few meets that went very well. Confided that his mind was all over the shop with me and that his "ex" was still on the scene. I was prepared to give it time. 13 months later things haven't changed. I'm still the lad he wants to be with and he can't commit to us over his ex still there.

Now I copped onto it a few months back but will admit it was hard to accept it. Don't know why people are like this. I really don't. In future if a lad isn't going to meet up and make attempts within the first 3-4 weeks I'll be slinging their hook fairly lively

O'Neill

adam88 wrote: »

Op. Had something similiar. Texting a lad for ages few meets that went very well. Confided that his mind was all over the shop with me and that his "ex" was still on the scene. I was prepared to give it time. 13 months later things haven't changed. I'm still the lad he wants to be with and he can't commit to us over his ex still there.

Now I copped onto it a few months back but will admit it was hard to accept it. Don't know why people are like this. I really don't. In future if a lad isn't going to meet up and make attempts within the first 3-4 weeks I'll be slinging their hook fairly lively

The thing is though, I'm clearly not someone he wants as his partner. I should add as well that both him and his partner are still using those site to meet other people, so it seems like their in an open relationship of sorts.

esposito

O'Neill wrote: »

The thing is though, I'm clearly not someone he wants as his partner. I should add as well that both him and his partner are still using those site to meet other people, so it seems like their in an open relationship of sorts.

Gay.Life.Is.Tough. FACT