Feeling abnormal

bingocat

I came out to a friend of mine in October of last year. Ever since then I've told a small number of people that I'm gay. Its nearly a year since I came out but I still am'nt completely at peace with it.

Please don't take this up wrong i'm not homophobic in the slightest its just when it comes to myself its harder to accept.

I'm male and 22. Most of the people who know I'm gay happen to be girls and I've no real problem with them knowing or being around them but when it comes to the few lads who know I don't know why I'm like this but I feel so weird and abnormal around most of them, its like I think they think i'm so different to them and that secretly they are cautious around me/think theres something wrong with me. I've no reason to think like this but I can't help it.

I've spent most of the last year wishing I never accepted I was gay but now I know I cant change it and when I'm feeling ok about it I dont want to change it. Its just I want to feel like I belong with other lads again like I did before I told them I was gay. How can this happen?

I don't know any gay people besides friends of friends, I don't really have an interest in the things the LGBT society in my college are interested in and I just feel so abnormal now like I don't fit in with gay people and groups like the one in my college or with straight lads anymore because they think I'm not normal because I dont like girls.

Can anyone relate to this? I'm sorry if I've worded it badly.

bodice ripper

I get it. I am bisexual. I would prefer to be straight. Or gay. In that order. It would be simpler. My sexuality complicates my already strained relationship with my own femininity. It's isolating, puts pressure on any sexual relationships I form, and I find it generally undermines my ability to form a concrete sense of self.

No doubt others read that and envy my ability to "pass". I assure you; I cannot pass.

But there is nothing to be done. So, I generally take a moment, where possible, to glory in being a deviant. It's complex, and therefor I am complex. I cling to a small smugness, as if I see colors that most people can't see.

I would seize the chance to be normal, and have a path well-trodden before me, with both hands. But in it's absence, basking in my colorful idiosyncrasy does take the edge off in no small way.

I urge you to do the same.

Heebie

Coming out is a process that doesn't really have an "end" to it.
Yes, at some point you make a choice to be honest about your sexuality... That's day one. Before that you had to psyche yourself up to taking that step, but from that day forward you have to continually reexamine who you are, and at any given moment you might have to choose to be out, or back in the closet, for a particular moment... Say if a group of thugs is walking by and you hear them say "let's beat some queers" ... you might just choose the closet in that moment.

Also, we tend to label ourselves when we come out.. We come out "as gay" or "as bi"
Perhaps it might be better to come out "as not blindly labelled"
It can take years, or even decades, to TRULY explore the full extents of one's sexuality. Until then, a label might very well get in the way.

It's never easy. Take your time to meditate on it, or do whatever you do when you really need to analyze something. Get it right.. or don't bother getting it right.. it doesn't matter if you're comfortable with your sexual choices, nor what label, or lack thereof, you choose to use.

Your true " sexuality" label, really, is you... Whatever turns YOU on... That's what matters in that department.

You could be bi, or "going through a phase" or you could be dealing with serious internalised homophobia that you can't even see... and even if you deal with what you think is all your internalised homophobia, society still bombards us every day with "ideals" of how we "should be" and we fall for those. Men should be manly men. Gays should wear a&f ****e, women should be in the kitchen and be so thin as for it to be obvious that they never easy without immediately puking... We're bombarded with this **** all day... It's very difficult to ignore all of it... You have to think about WHY do I feel uncomfortable?
Am I worried about what people will say at church? About what my mother thinks? What the lads I was in primary school with think? What Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson thinks?
or.. did I come to believe this on my own?

Chances are good that you didn't think it up on your own, and is discomfort triggered by something beyond your control. If that's the case, learn to key it go.

If you find that you really believe something that's making you uncomfortable, ask yourself if you truly do believe it.... and if you do, think about which is more important to you.. This belief that makes you uncomfortable, or the behavior that conflicts with the belief... and discontinue or modify one.

Never forget that you only get the one life to live, so don't go cutting out things that make you happy in favour of things that make you miserable, unless they're REALLY freakin' important!

Talk to people you trust about the specifics and see how others deal with the same issues, as well. You're not alone. All of us "out" people have been through this, it's only a matter of time what degree and what coping mechanisms we use to deal with them.

Cheers!

WM18

bodice ripper wrote: »

I get it. I am bisexual. I would prefer to be straight. Or gay. In that order. It would be simpler. My sexuality complicates my already strained relationship with my own femininity. It's isolating, puts pressure on any sexual relationships I form, and I find it generally undermines my ability to form a concrete sense of self.

No doubt others read that and envy my ability to "pass". I assure you; I cannot pass.

But there is nothing to be done. So, I generally take a moment, where possible, to glory in being a deviant. It's complex, and therefor I am complex. I cling to a small smugness, as if I see colors that most people can't see.

I would seize the chance to be normal, and have a path well-trodden before me, with both hands. But in it's absence, basking in my colorful idiosyncrasy does take the edge off in no small way.

I urge you to do the same.

What a great and well worded response.....

wordofwarning

IMO what you are feeling is not abnormal, but rather realising you are different. There is a book called the Velvet Rage. The author goes through the four stages, that gay men go through to finally be happy and thoroughly accept themselves for being gay. It is a long, difficult journey. A lot of men never get to the final stage. Some place a higher value on being accepted by others, than accepting themselves or choose a different guy every weekend, than finding the "one".

If I was you, I would read the book. It is filled with anecdotes of the therapists patients who struggled with being gay, how they got over it and why they didn't get over some things. Several of my gay friends have read it and each found it amazing. When you read it, you finally realise that what you think is unique to you. Is actually experienced by all gay men

I used to be like you. I used to be so concerned with my friends being ok with me being gay, that it affected my relationship with them. I finally stopped giving a **** one day about what they thought about me being gay and my friendships improved

I would not worry about the LGBT society in College. IMO about 95% of LGBT students hate them with a passion. I personally did not connect with anyone in my College LGBT society. I thought most were extremely bitter and self-centred. I would not put fun and a lot of them in the same sentence

If you live in Dublin, there are tons of other ways to meet other LGBT people. There is literally a gay everything in Dublin eg rugby team, football team, tennis, running, choir, etc etc