How to commit the perfect murder.

the_pen_turner

Nabber wrote: »

I can’t remember where I read this. But serial killers usually take longer to find as they often have no connection with the victim, where as most murders, the people involved know each other.

what are you saying. widen the massacre

jaxxx

callaway92 wrote: »

You'd have prints on the ropes, prints on the body...

Not a good way to murder imo.

But... what if you put a condom over each hand and gloves over the condoms? :pac:

Fighting Tao

Nomis21 wrote: »

You don't have the curiosity to ask me how it's done?

No.

harry Bailey esq

imme wrote: »

Garda . ie
Is on to you by now OP
=D

F*'kin right they are. I'll tell ya something for nuthin, I wouldn't go smuggling any garlic if I were in his shoes.

freshpopcorn

Well I wouldn't watch a load of episodes online that could be traced to me for starters!

Nabber

the_pen_turner wrote: »

what are you saying. widen the massacre

Pick your target at random

cml387

It used to be said in Glasgow that the perfect murder would be to wait until your victim came home from the pub balubahs and fell asleep.Just light a chip pan and retire to a safe distance.

the_pen_turner

Nabber wrote: »

Pick your target at random

I'm not sure that would work.
if I opened the phone book(do these still exist) randomly chose someone there would be several connections to the person. you would be related, work together, be friend with their sister or went to the same collage

scuby

So many options !!!

I'd go the slow painful route.....
Hunger Games style in the woods, slit the Achilles, maybe a knee capping.
Tied up, 6inch nail into the thigh, wired up to a generator.

In a house, change the light bulbs for slightly bigger bulbs, inject some petrol or similar into bulbs, wait for lights to come on and a few mins later, lights out !!!
OK, I need to stop typing now

the_pen_turner

the_pen_turner wrote: »

you would be related, work together, be friend with their sister or went to the same collage

Boss, we found tickets for exhibitions of Matisse and Hirst...it could be a lead...

BrokenArrows

Probably quite easy to get away with killing a totally random stranger. If there is no witnesses, evidence and there is no connection between you and the victim then the police have nothing to go on.

But most murderers dont want to kill just any old random person. They have grudge they want to settle.

BrokenArrows

the_pen_turner wrote: »

I'm not sure that would work.
if I opened the phone book(do these still exist) randomly chose someone there would be several connections to the person. you would be related, work together, be friend with their sister or went to the same collage

If you look far enough everyone has a connection to someone else in some way.
But the police are not going to connect you to the 3rd cousin of your bosses mother.

my3cents

Murder a postman at Christmas in a pub thats not supposed to be open and above all do it in a small community in Ireland with Garda present https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Missing_Postman_of_Stradbally .

/can of worms

Tom Mann Centuria

Air embolism would be quite a good one if you can find a nice inconspicuous vein. Potassium od, digoxin od, insulin od. Just pray Quincy isn't doing the autopsy.

Assetbacked

A big consideration with murdering and disposing of a body is the mobile phone tracking capabilities.

To lure a victim to a private location voluntarily would be a good initial step in getting away with the murder. For example, arrange to pick them up at X location or, alternatively, curb crawl and pick up a prostitute. Then, once in the car, threaten them so they hand over the phone and immediately disable it. Then drive to your location (your home which has a trapdoor leading to a hidden basement dungeon; the home is normal and you are an ordinary person whom no one would ever suspect) and imprison the intended victim. Now you get to murder however you would like with no need to worry about too much blood or ensuring your DNA gets onto them.

Dissolving the body in whatever substance of choice should be carried out very quickly after the murder. Once it has successfully been dissolved, the liquid can be disposed of in drabs by just dumping it in the sea, lakes, rivers etc.

Snugglebunnies

Tom Mann Centuria wrote:

Air embolism would be quite a good one if you can find a nice inconspicuous vein. Potassium od, digoxin od, insulin od. Just pray Quincy isn't doing the autopsy.

Snap! I just came on here to post the same idea...

KungPao

Step 1. Ensure you are powerful or have dirt on powerful people.

Step 2. Just shank the victim and toss the weapon in the river. It'll be grand.

STB.

Deleted User wrote: »

Crush their head in with a frozen leg of lamb, then cook it and serve it up to the crime scene investigators and watch them eat the murder weapon.

Roald Dahl thunk it up first.

Whether to go with a mint cream sauce or a more traditional rosemary and garlic sauce is the obvious resulting dilemma.

darced

This post has been deleted.

Shemale

jaxxx wrote: »

But... what if you put a condom over each hand and gloves over the condoms? :pac:

Or as Alan Partridge and Michael said you could tape sausages to your fingers and beef burgers for your palms

Shemale

A) Get pre agreement from Government, kidnap them, only give them coke to drink and coke boiled ham to eat, eventually their teeth would be dissolved and so would the rest of them and the government would be quids in from the sugary drink tax.

Strap them to a chair soaked in petrol, douse them in petrol, tape three plastic containers of petrol to their legs and put flint on the bottom of the chair legs. Duct tape their mouth, tie 99 large red helium baloons to the chair and remove the anchor. They will float off into space, if the baloons burst in space, the petrol will ignite on re_entry, if that is a myth and they survuve the 100km fall to earth the flint on the bottom of the chair will ignite and burn them alive.

harry Bailey esq

Shemale wrote: »

Or as Alan Partridge and Michael said you could tape sausages to your fingers and beef burgers for your palms

There's a slew of Partridgisms flying around this evening... Is that what algorithm means? Back on topic, employ a hit man. If I had to get my hands dirty I'd probably dress up as a woman to throw the police off the scent.

Shemale

harry Bailey esq wrote: »

There's a slew of Partridgisms flying around this evening... Is that what algorithm means? Back on topic, employ a hit man. If I had to get my hands dirty I'd probably dress up as a woman to throw the police off the scent.

And nobody on this thread has mention Dan the daggerman from Dagenham and where he would put your 1980s mobile phone before killing you

Nomis21

There is only one way to commit the perfect murder:

Fly to a foreign country and kill a random stranger.

Fly home again.

There would be no connection to you that could be suspected.

Don't make a habit of it though, in case you become a serial killer.

PeterParker957

If anyone hits on the actual solution can you let me know?

Asking for a friend. Ish.

begbysback

Nomis21 wrote: »

There is only one way to commit the perfect murder:

Fly to a foreign country and kill a random stranger.

Fly home again.

There would be no connection to you that could be suspected.

Don't make a habit of it though, in case you become a serial killer.

No connection - except that you were in that random country at a remarkably similar time as the murder - now if you made it appear that you weren't in the country at the time of a murder, then a cast iron alibi

This is not healthy is it?

yourdeadwright

Cover your face and shoot someone your know to be in disagreement with in broad day light and drive off,
Seems to be working a treat for drug dealers in Dublin

harry Bailey esq

Shemale wrote: »

And nobody on this thread has mention Dan the daggerman from Dagenham and where he would put your 1980s mobile phone before killing you

Emergency services, how may we assist you today? (sounds of deranged laughter/belt buckle hitting the floor/muffled screams/laughter even more deranged than before/then silence) could you speak more clearly sir? You seem to have a bad connection. Sir? Are you still there sir?

sbsquarepants

Nomis21 wrote: »

I am also wondering why anyone would choose a career in 'Blood Splatter Analysis'?

Perfect cover if you're a strangely likeable serial killer.
Also it's spatter.

sbsquarepants

Nomis21 wrote: »

Don't make a habit of it though, in case you become a serial killer.

This is actually what makes serial killers so hard to catch.

Most people who kill someone - do so either for revenge or in a fit of rage. Both times there is any number of reasons pointing at the killer and being a non psychopath it's not to easy to just carry on as normal the day after you've killed someone - they may as well take out an add on the telly saying they done it!

harry Bailey esq

sbsquarepants wrote: »

they may as well take out an add on the telly saying they done it!

Which could then be used in court to argue that the defendant couldn't possibly receive a fair trial because of adverse media coverage, resulting in a possible acquittal or a verdict of nolle proseqei. Stranger things have happened.

sbsquarepants

harry Bailey esq wrote: »

Which could then be used in court to argue that the defendant couldn't possibly receive a fair trial because of adverse media coverage, resulting in a possible acquittal or a verdict of nolle proseqei. Stranger things have happened.

Hmmm! Interesting:D

Shemale

harry Bailey esq wrote: »

Emergency services, how may we assist you today? (sounds of deranged laughter/belt buckle hitting the floor/muffled screams/laughter even more deranged than before/then silence) could you speak more clearly sir? You seem to have a bad connection. Sir? Are you still there sir?

Maybe it would be quite pleasurable..

Capt'n Midnight

NickNickleby wrote: »

That's an idea "The General" had years ago. He car bombed a Forensic Scientist in an effort to prevent his evidence being used. The Wikipedia entry mentions that Dr O'Donovan (the scientist) retired in 2002. However it doesn't mention that he suffered ongoing pain ever since. Read an interview by him, and since then I always wonder about the survivors of terrorist outrages, because before that, I used to naively think that they got off lucky.

Sorry for the downer, but its amazing how quickly this came to mind.

If you want to read more https://www.obrien.ie/cracking-crime

evolving_doors

Promote a new product called a 'sleeping rock' that cures insomnia.
Then when your victim eventually falls asleep, sprinkle some fine white pepper on it and run away.
The victim will sneeze in their sleep and then bash their heads of said rock.
Thanks

B.A._Baracus

The perfect crime is a weird one.
On one hand the best would be where you aren't even considered a suspect. Either because detectives think it was a suicide, a drunken mistake or they got other people as suspects.

But then on the hand if you are gonna kill someone there is a motive and that motive can all to often be out there for detectives to find out about. So I guess the perfect murder is just getting away with it. Detective's might even know it was you but they can't prove.

That said you'd probably find out the perfect crime is the most low-key one (as in planning) How many shootings have we heard about where a gunman knocks on someone's door and shoots then flees. Nothing elaborate just as is. Police might have an idea who did it but as I said above they got to prove.

Are Am Eye

Kill them with kindness.

LordSutch

There are more than enough Columbo episodes to sift through for ideas, but make sure you 'fix' the one fatal mistake that the murderer always makes. Maybe just a thumb print, or a door unlocked, a new rug? usually something very small that gets Columbo on the trail.

Failing that get somebody else to commit the murder for you. Convince them that it was their idea!

Neyite

Invite Angela Lansbury to stay for a weekend.

Her presence usually results in someone getting bumped off.

PeterParker957

Neyite wrote: »

Invite Angela Lansbury to stay for a weekend.

Her presence usually results in someone getting bumped off.

Yeah but she always catches them.

Unless you invite her and Dick van Dyke from Diagnosis Murder and get them to pin it on each other ???

If watching murder mysteries on tv my whole life has taught me anything - and I think it has - it's that no matter how ingenious my evil plan would be, sooner or later some ultra vigilant CSI type will not only spot I've broken a toenail, but he'll find that toenail in some body cavity of the deceased, question me in a room without a lawyer or police person present, extract a confession, and walk out of there safe in the knowledge that I'll be away for life just before putting his sunglasses on and coming out with a pithy line like "perhaps if she'd cut her toenails sooner, I wouldn't have nailed her so easily!"

bonzodog2

Candie wrote: »

If watching murder mysteries on tv my whole life has taught me anything - and I think it has - it's that no matter how ingenious my evil plan would be, sooner or later some ultra vigilant CSI type will not only spot I've broken a toenail, but he'll find that toenail in some body cavity of the deceased, question me in a room without a lawyer or police person present, extract a confession, and walk out of there safe in the knowledge that I'll be away for life just before putting his sunglasses on and coming out with a pithy line like "perhaps if she'd cut her toenails sooner, I wouldn't have nailed her so easily!"

I see what you did there.

Top tip: Quicklime doesn't dissolve bones. Just flesh and cartilage. You need a strong acid for the hard parts of bones. Just sayin' like. :cool:

PeterParker957

bonzodog2 wrote: »

I see what you did there.

Top tip: Quicklime doesn't dissolve bones. Just flesh and cartilage. You need a strong acid for the hard parts of bones. Just sayin' like. :cool:

Though you can apparently dissolve them in acid distilled from vinegar and then crush the skeleton to dust.

Or so a rerun of Bones said the other night!!!

Neyite

Candie wrote: »

If watching murder mysteries on tv my whole life has taught me anything - and I think it has - it's that no matter how ingenious my evil plan would be, sooner or later some ultra vigilant CSI type will not only spot I've broken a toenail, but he'll find that toenail in some body cavity of the deceased, question me in a room without a lawyer or police person present, extract a confession, and walk out of there safe in the knowledge that I'll be away for life just before putting his sunglasses on and coming out with a pithy line like "perhaps if she'd cut her toenails sooner, I wouldn't have nailed her so easily!"

I had to stop watching CSI because of the glaring plot holes. CSI hotties with lovely swishy hair swishing it all around a crime scene, and wearing their own fancy footwear and jackets and no ppe. Then picking up some microscopic thing under the bed. :rolleyes:

You don't get our Marie Cassidy at that nonsense do you?

mackeire

Captain Obvious wrote: »

I'd imagine the first rule of committing the perfect murder is not to post about it on a popular forum.

Good to see you living up to your name!

the_pen_turner

Captain Obvious wrote: »

I'd imagine the first rule of committing the perfect murder is not to post about it on a popular forum.

Unless you have hacked into someone else's boards account and are trying to frame them

Pero_Bueno

Nabber wrote: »

I can’t remember where I read this. But serial killers usually take longer to find as they often have no connection with the victim, where as most murders, the people involved know each other.

Indeed, its not forensics that usually catch people (to prove it maybe) but the connection to the victim.
Most murders are easy to solve as the motive will become pretty obvious.

Thats why they have such a nightmare trying to catch serial killers, cos it's total random and the victim has no connection to the perp.

They usually get away with it for years and years until they get careless.

partyguinness

In my line of work I have read a lot of autopsies including murder victims and crime scenes inc statements etc (as in real life).

It is very hard to get away with anything when the body is around and getting rid of the body is the hardest task.

That is the one lesson- how difficult it is to get rid of dead body.

Little known fact but the vast vast majority of murders are solved.

jiltloop

darced wrote: »

Hang them whatever way to look like suicide. Same cause of death.

The marks around the neck from the belt would show as post mortem injuries. I.e blood was not pumping when belt was applied.

partyguinness

Well a good start...make the body disappear forever and you have a very good chance of succeeding.