Second baby, too soon, how difficult.

tevey08

Hi all,

So basically we're in talks about having a second baby and if it's the right time and are we ready and so on. I would like to know how difficult it is.

Our son now is 13 months. Really easy going and no bother at all. Happy out most of the time and is just a happy baby. The sleeping though isn't perfect yet but it could be worse so no complaints there.

The thing that makes me want to have one soon is to have them some what close in age. Would we be making a mistake to leave it another few years?

I am worried that I won't be able to manage two when my partner is away. I can manage one perfectly fine but I think the hardest time is still to come.

I don't want any stupid comments. Just advice from parents.

shesty

21 month gap.Quite hard but really it doesn't last forever.And you really learn from your first what that means.You find a way.

Pros are that older is so small they never remember a time when the younger wasn't there.They are close enough that their toys and games and tv shows are of interest to each other, (unlike say a 5 year old and a 1 year old), and the baby looks up to EVERYTHING older sibling does.Mine are now 3 and 18 mths and yep, they fight but equally they are discovering that each other is a great playmate.You never have to entertain the baby, that's what they use their sibling for!You are in nappy/cot/naptime/toddler land anyway, you have all the gear and you're stuck in the routine, so it's easier. And they are SO funny together.And it just makes your heart swell with absolute delight and love when you see the older one, not much more than a baby herself, holding the little one's hand to walk or showing them how to do something or telling people this is 'her baby'.

Cons...you are tired.Capital T. Your pregnancy is harder because you have a baby to take care of. Older sibling's behaviour goes very funny for a couple of months and they can't verbalise so it can be tough.You have to accept that you have brought huge change into their lives, and be sympathetic to that.But-it doesn't last forever.Hardest part was bedtime for the first few months -the oldest still needs a lot of help at 21 mths and meanwhile you have a newborn who can't sit up or anything by themsleves.So that can be tough.But you find ways to manage.Also, double buggy will be a necessity-not a game changer but something to consider.(slings work wonders, mind you).You truly understand sleeping when the baby sleeps and you actually do it and learn to turn your back on the household stuff!And the same for eating-you do it the instant you get a chance, and sod everything else, because you might not get another chance!!!(your housekeeping standards slip drastically in that period and never really recover!!!!)Your piles of laundry explode in a drastic way and you wonder if you had two more kids instead of one.....and you spend meals juggling two sets of spoons, bowls and bibs, while trying to eat mouthfuls of your own.Somehow.

That said, I cannot imagine a bigger gap, I think it would be a million times worse to get no.1 up, walking, independent, in school or whatever, and then start all over again.All of the cons I listed.....the majority of those are very temporary (except the laundry and house pride.Those are permanent!!!!) I was told the first year with two is the hardest-I'd actually saythe first 8 months is. But then I am the type of person who likes to rip the bandage off quickly and just get things done!!!I know it wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea.

mordeith

We have two boys. Gap of four years. They get on really well. I'm not sure I'd have coped with two young ones but everyone is different

lawred2

Gap of 16 months between our two lads... Other than needing two of everything we didn't see much difference.

Third on the way now.

But the youngest will be over 3 when the next one arrives.

smaoifs

I read an article recently that gave the ideal age gap as 2.25 years. I have an almost 9 month old and because of plans already made for summer next year, that gap would work perfectly for us to conceive (hopefully) next August or September. I don't know if I'd like any bigger a gap but that's just me.

lazygal

I have a 15 months gap, they're now four and five.
We wanted a small gap and were very lucky that everything worked out well.
I don't think you can count on children being friends based on an age gap. My closeness with my siblings wouldn't reflect that over the years.
I had an 'easy baby' first, my second was a different kettle of fish. If I'd had him first I don't think our gap would have been as small. If you want another one I'd just go for it. You can over think these things and I've so many friends who waited for the 'right' time only to not conceive or have miscarriages that I wouldn't wait too long.

catrionanic

We have had similar conversations in our house lately! I have a boy who is 9 months this week, and husband wants us to go again. But I don’t feel up to it. My first pregnancy was tough - sickness for 22 weeks and then SPD from 26 weeks. Our boy is super easygoing but he isn’t a great sleeper, and I definitely couldn’t handle a pregnancy right now!

I think that you will know it’s the right time, when the time comes.

Digs

What lazygal said. I wouldn’t put too much weight on their age translating into closeness. My husband has a brother 11 months older than him yet is way closer to his brother 6 years older.

My two girls have 3 yrs between them. It was a lovely age gap for us and when I think of it #1 has been a great help. She seemed to grow up over night when she turned 3 and again since she turned 4. She minds her sister so well and when they’re not driving each other nuts they’re sitting cuddled up on the couch together and they are the first people each of them ask for in the mornings when they wake.

My first was an absolute diva baby. Which might have encouraged the gap (along with a bit longer than I would have liked trying to get pregnant!)
Our second daughter is the cruisiest lady going, I’d have 10 babies like her which is why I’m considering going again and she’s now 16 months.

Personally, logistics aside I actually found parenting two way easier than parenting one. I’ve enjoyed it so much more.

eviltwin

I'm very close in age to my siblings but we were never close growing up and have no relationship as adults so there are no guarantees your children will be friends. I've a gap of 12 yrs between my two and they have a lovely relationship, far nicer than anything I had. I don't think there is a right gap, it's whatever works for you.

detoxkid

There is 19 months between mine. They are now 3 and a half and almost 2. I'm delighted NOW but I won't lie the first year was exceptionally hard dealing were 2 babies. They are great company for each other now though they fight allot of course. I wouldn't have it any other way

jlm29

There's 4 years between my older and middle kids, then there's 18 months between the second and third.
My middle boy was hard work. If I'd realised quite how difficult he would be, I might not have been so hasty!!! He didn't sleep well, though at almost two, that has settled down now. He's also more strong willed, and a total Houdini, and the tantrums are like nothing I experienced with my first. That said, my baby is totally chilled, and is no bother, so I still have the time to give him.
The hardest thing (for me) about having them close together was having to get them all out the door for 8.30 for the school run, and spending my maternity leave on the road bringing and collecting. It has helped a bit with the routine of the toddler though. That wouldn't be an issue for you, and that's a major advantage of having your kids close together, IMO. My OH works very long hours, and while he's great with the kids when he's at home, he's not great for going places (family days out etc), so I do a lot by myself with them, and I manage fine!

I did find the last few weeks of pregnancy tough, and the early days postnatally, because of having to lift a stroppy toddler etc, but it wasn't unmanageable, and if I have another child, I will do it quite swiftly, to keep a similar small age gap again

evolving_doors

When is a good time to have children?
Never.
It's like swimming in the Irish sea and you're standing at the side waiting to jump in as if it'll heat up.
As the first reply said 'you'll find a way':pac:

From my perspective it was hell till they're out of nappies and just starting primary school finding they're own way. 1st year for all of them was especially hell as I think they were sipping espressos between they're 40 min naps.

rainbow kirby

I'm 24 weeks with #2 and my son is 19 months so we'll have 2 under 2 for a few weeks. It's been a harder pregnancy so far - was absolutely exhausted until nearly 20 weeks and nauseous constantly until not long before then. Hoping the small gap works out!

Chocolate fiend

There are 14 months between my boys so when my older one was your childs age I was a month away from having his brother. It wasn't easy and now they are 8 and 9 and fight like crazy. There was then 3 years gap to their younger sister which was so much easier than 14 months!!

tevey08

Thanks Guys. I think we're going to leave it until mid 2018. Hopefully it won't be to difficult to conceive. Best just to bite the bullet and not think of the difficult times only the good time

shesty

It's going to be hard work no matter when you do it anyway, so there's no right time :-) Good luck!

i71jskz5xu42pb

I've 2 with an 18 month gap (now 1 & 2.5). Both pretty easy going so it makes looking after them solo not too difficult. Significantly easier now the youngest is 1 so the most difficult period did not even last long - and the number of times only one of us was around in that period was not many.

tevey08 wrote: »

Hopefully it won't be to difficult to conceive.

You'll know better based on you & your partner's age/health/etc, not easy for everybody.

boardsuser1

OP, just to give you a snap shot of my own position.


Had a 31 month gap between 1 & 2
16 months between 2 & 3
A lengthy 4 and a half years until number 4
He is now 13 months and the O/H is 5 months pregnant with twins.

tevey08

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

OP, just to give you a snap shot of my own position.


Had a 31 month gap between 1 & 2
16 months between 2 & 3
A lengthy 4 and a half years until number 4
He is now 13 months and the O/H is 5 months pregnant with twins.

And here I am wondering if 2 will be difficult

Roesy

We have a 3, 2 and 1 year old. Eldest is nearly 4. It’s a busy house but at this stage is it’s our norm. We always wanted them close in ages. As another poster said, the 3 and 2 year olds interests somewhat overlap and the 2 year old wants to be just like her big sister. They kill each other a lot of the time though. The two year old is also enjoying rediscovering some of her old favourites in the ‘baby’ toys. Pregnancies 2 and 3 were more difficult because no matter how crap you feel you still have to keep the show on the road for baba no.1. I also had bad pelvic pain on those pregnancies as well as nerve wracking bleeding for the first few months of no.3. I don’t regret the short gaps but I am delighted to be finally retiring some of the baby paraphernalia and coming close to the end of the ‘baby’ stage.

shesty

Roesy wrote: »

We have a 3, 2 and 1 year old. Eldest is nearly 4. It’s a busy house but at this stage is it’s our norm. We always wanted them close in ages. As another poster said, the 3 and 2 year olds interests somewhat overlap and the 2 year old wants to be just like her big sister. They kill each other a lot of the time though. The two year old is also enjoying rediscovering some of her old favourites in the ‘baby’ toys. Pregnancies 2 and 3 were more difficult because no matter how crap you feel you still have to keep the show on the road for baba no.1. I also had bad pelvic pain on those pregnancies as well as nerve wracking bleeding for the first few months of no.3. I don’t regret the short gaps but I am delighted to be finally retiring some of the baby paraphernalia and coming close to the end of the ‘baby’ stage.

I am due no.3 next year, we will have a 3,2 and newborn....then shortly afterwards a 4,2 and newborn!....(hoping it all goes well) I cannot wait to ditch the maternity clothes and start getting rid of all the baby stuff :-) I am happy to stop after this!

Moonbeam

my largest gap is 24 months and smallest 15months, I have 4. My husband travelled a lot too.
There is a big change from 1 to 2 in that I brought #1 everywhere with me but that is less easy with 2.
Creche fees for 1 are manageable but for 2 were astronomical.
I can't speak for you but if you can manage one you can probably manage 2 on your own. It depends on so many other factors too though.
I could not have dealt with big age gaps at all.

CheerLouth

tevey08 wrote: »

I am worried that I won't be able to manage two when my partner is away. I can manage one perfectly fine but I think the hardest time is still to come.

This was my big worry too - my partner works away from home a lot. I'm not going to lie - it's difficult. There are days when I envy that he can leave & he doesn't have to worry about what is going on at home because he knows that I have it under control. We have a 26 month gap between our two - eldest will be 3 in a few months, little guy is 8 months nearly. I find the eldest is the hardest - lots of tantrums, lots of trying to get her own way...the terrible twos basically. But that is not all the time.

For me the key is organisation! I'm back to work now & I have everything ready the night before. I sort out the clothes on a Sunday for the whole week so I don't even have to think about what to put them in. I get up 30 mins before the kids in the morning to get myself ready. I batch cook too so I don't have to make dinners when I come home from work cos the time with them is precious. I get Tesco to deliver the shopping...which also saves time! I'm all about ways to save time & make life easier on everyone!

It's hard but worth it and as I keep reminding myself - the days are long but the years are short. And I'm already thinking of number 3 so it can't be all that bad

shesty

It gets a bit easier once the eldest is out of the twos and into the threes,and no.2 can walk.That of course has its downsides (!) but mostly it makes it easier.

Your organisation skills become amazing.It's a bit of a military operation most days!!!

mirrorwall14

To give the other side, We conceived our first in a month so we delayed trying for a second because we were buying a house. In my naivety I assumed I’d be similarly lucky again. However this time around we started properly last February and I’m still trying.

We’ve had one miscarriage last April and nothing since despite timing being correct and confirmed ovulation with temping. I’ve already spoken to the GP and we go in January to start looking at options. I thought I’d be having a baby in the next month or two (age gap of 2.5 to 3. but now I’m not pregnant and the gap will likely be at least 4 years

I can’t help wondering if I had just gone for it might it have worked out better