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Open relationship?

  • 27-10-2017 5:48pm
    #1
    Saffa1978
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭


    Started seeing a great guy for about 2 months now and its going great so far between us, but there is one thing I'm not comfortable with just yet and that is having an open relationship right from the start.

    We talked about it and I voiced my opinion that I am not ready for it just yet, since I've been in a open relationship before.

    I'm in love with this bloke and I'm not sure what to do, since it's driving me bonkers. He seems to not take my thoughts into consideration, so long as he can get his fix from another guy to fulfill that need for a moment.

    What would you do and how do you feel about an open relationship?

    Thank you in advance for your answers. :))


Comments

  • #2
    wordofwarning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 697 ✭✭✭wordofwarning


    He has made it pretty clear he wants an open relationship. It is a deal breaker for him. You either need to accept it or break up with him. He is not willing to change for you.

    You need to ask does he want to be in an open relationship as he wants to keep his options open on what else is out there


  • #3
    Saffa1978
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭Saffa1978


    wordofwarning wrote: »
    He has made it pretty clear he wants an open relationship. It is a deal breaker for him. You either need to accept it or break up with him. He is not willing to change for you.

    You need to ask does he want to be in an open relationship as he wants to keep his options open on what else is out there

    He told me he loves me recently and I feel he is quite serious about us. I don't love him just yet, but I'm very much in love with him.

    I'm hiv+ and he recently (before he met me) also been diagnosed. I told him the reason why I'm not for it and that reason being my health, cos I feel I don't have the energy having to worry about my health all the time.

    We live in the country and we going to Dublin this weekend and I know he would like to visit the sauna. I really don't want to.


  • #4
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    Saffa1978 wrote: »
    I'm hiv+ and he recently (before he met me) also been diagnosed. I told him the reason why I'm not for it and that reason being my health, cos I feel I don't have the energy having to worry about my health all the time.

    We live in the country and we going to Dublin this weekend and I know he would like to visit the sauna. I really don't want to.

    TBH I don't see how this could work. You're on radically different pages when it comes to how you see this relationship. Open relationships are built on trust and respect- or at least the successful ones are. Anything else is just not going to work, and is going to at best cause resentment.

    Personally if he doesn't want to be monogamous, after you have specifically said it's because you have health concerns, then he's a bit of a selfish asshole. Just my opinion, but I do think it's the case.


  • #5
    wordofwarning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 697 ✭✭✭wordofwarning


    Saffa1978 wrote: »
    He told me he loves me recently and I feel he is quite serious about us. I don't love him just yet, but I'm very much in love with him.

    IMO if he was serious about you, he would have realise that relationships are about compromise. He is not willing to compromise with your desires in a relationship.
    Saffa1978 wrote: »
    We live in the country and we going to Dublin this weekend and I know he would like to visit the sauna. I really don't want to.

    Is it really a serious relationship if he is doing things that make you feel uncomfortable?

    I think you need to sit down with him, lay your cards on the table and see if he feels the same way about you. IMO it is not love, if someone is not taking on their boyfriends most basic requests ie likely wanting to go to a sauna against your wishes


  • #6
    Saffa1978
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭Saffa1978


    baby and crumble wrote: »
    TBH I don't see how this could work. You're on radically different pages when it comes to how you see this relationship. Open relationships are built on trust and respect- or at least the successful ones are. Anything else is just not going to work, and is going to at best cause resentment.

    Personally if he doesn't want to be monogamous, after you have specifically said it's because you have health concerns, then he's a bit of a selfish asshole. Just my opinion, but I do think it's the case.

    Thank you for your advice. Like I mentioned, I was in an open relationship before and it ended where my partner wasn't being truthful to me, hence how I was infected. I'm really scared to allow anyone to get close to me on a intimate level.

    I told him last night that I'm not willing to go with him to dublin due to our conversation the other day.
    He wasn't happy about my decision and I made it clear that I'm not going to throw myself in a situation where I'm gonna feel comfortable.


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  • #7
    breatheme
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 375 ✭✭breatheme


    Personally I have thought long and hard and I don't want to be in an open relationship. If I were in your shoes I'd either try to have a closed one or walk away. Relationships are about compromise, but there are some things I can't compromise on.


  • #8
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,104 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Saffa1978 wrote: »
    Thank you for your advice. Like I mentioned, I was in an open relationship before and it ended where my partner wasn't being truthful to me, hence how I was infected. I'm really scared to allow anyone to get close to me on a intimate level.

    I told him last night that I'm not willing to go with him to dublin due to our conversation the other day.
    He wasn't happy about my decision and I made it clear that I'm not going to throw myself in a situation where I'm gonna feel comfortable.

    Is he going to Dublin alone now?

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #9
    Saffa1978
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭Saffa1978


    Joeytheparrot wrote: »
    Is he going to Dublin alone now?

    I went with him and he didn't go to the sauna, he respected my decision and really wanted me to join him, so I did. I'm 10 yrs his junior, and his excuse is that he doesn't know how to go about being in a relationship since he's never been in one, so he thought that it's the case with every gay relationship.

    We've been together 2 months now and I can see that it's already starting become a little stale, not from my side. I am in love with this man and I'm very open about my feelings to him, he on the other hand is very closed off about his feelings and I'm not gonna change anyone, the same goes for the open relationship. All I can do is be open about my truth and give it time...


  • #10
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,104 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Saffa1978 wrote: »
    I went with him and he didn't go to the sauna, he respected my decision and really wanted me to join him, so I did. I'm 10 yrs his junior, and his excuse is that he doesn't know how to go about being in a relationship since he's never been in one, so he thought that it's the case with every gay relationship.

    We've been together 2 months now and I can see that it's already starting become a little stale, not from my side. I am in love with this man and I'm very open about my feelings to him, he on the other hand is very closed off about his feelings and I'm not gonna change anyone, the same goes for the open relationship. All I can do is be open about my truth and give it time...

    You both need to be honest. If a monogamous relationship will not work for him then maybe let it go.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #11
    wordofwarning
    Closed Accounts Posts: 697 ✭✭✭wordofwarning


    Saffa1978 wrote: »
    Thank you for your advice. Like I mentioned, I was in an open relationship before and it ended where my partner wasn't being truthful to me, hence how I was infected. I'm really scared to allow anyone to get close to me on a intimate level.

    Have you been to therapy or a support group at this? You might benefit from it. It is a massive thing to have someone you trust doing that to you. You might benefit from speaking to others

    Honestly the guy you are dating does not sound like boyfriend material. There is a lot of excuses and not of them are great in my opinion. Find someone who respects and cares for you. Just because he has never been in a relationship and can therefore act like a child is not acceptable


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  • #12
    Saffa1978
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭Saffa1978


    Its been a while and personally have looked at options to move on from this toxic situation. I have gone to the extreme to track him and even did some crazy things to get truth behind this. He has a very dark past and I just cant over it.

    So recently I noticed some strange activities and even found a train ticket from an unknown source when he was meant to go to a show in belfast (with his wife) and I also heard him talking on the phone to someone else. I didnt mention that this man is still married to his wife and live a double life without her knowledge. So I played detective and I tried to get truth behind all of this and all I get back in return is complete denial. He turns the table on me everytime I asked him and he also said that if he wants to be intimate with my friend, he'd do it since its his life. This ruined my friendship, cos I suspect him and my friend were up to nonsense behind my back and he denies it everytime.

    Its xmas day and he is with his family and Im with my friends, I cant get over it, this ruined my friendship and I feel very betrayed by this whole outcome. Both of them said that Im crazy and need help.....

    To be honest, I dont know what to believe and as said I'm ready to move on, Ive been hurt by all of this and its meant to be a cheerful time.

    Happy christmas by the way and thank you for all your answers.... :))


  • #13
    JackTaylorFan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,452 ✭✭✭JackTaylorFan


    Saffa1978 wrote: »
    Its been a while and personally have looked at options to move on from this toxic situation. I have gone to the extreme to track him and even did some crazy things to get truth behind this. He has a very dark past and I just cant over it.

    So recently I noticed some strange activities and even found a train ticket from an unknown source when he was meant to go to a show in belfast (with his wife) and I also heard him talking on the phone to someone else. I didnt mention that this man is still married to his wife and live a double life without her knowledge. So I played detective and I tried to get truth behind all of this and all I get back in return is complete denial. He turns the table on me everytime I asked him and he also said that if he wants to be intimate with my friend, he'd do it since its his life. This ruined my friendship, cos I suspect him and my friend were up to nonsense behind my back and he denies it everytime.

    Its xmas day and he is with his family and Im with my friends, I cant get over it, this ruined my friendship and I feel very betrayed by this whole outcome. Both of them said that Im crazy and need help.....

    To be honest, I dont know what to believe and as said I'm ready to move on, Ive been hurt by all of this and its meant to be a cheerful time.

    Happy christmas by the way and thank you for all your answers.... :))

    Sorry, OP. But this kind of messed up relationship will make you crazy if you weren't before.

    The guy sounds like a classic closet case and the fact he is married should have rang alarm bells in your head to begin with. I think you should be glad to be shot of him, to be honest, and your so called friend as well.

    And for what it's worth, sorry you've been treated like this.


  • #14
    Saffa1978
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭Saffa1978


    JackTaylorFan wrote: »
    Sorry, OP. But this kind of messed up relationship will make you crazy if you weren't before.

    The guy sounds like a classic closet case and the fact he is married should have rang alarm bells in your head to begin with. I think you should be glad to be shot of him, to be honest, and your so called friend as well.

    And for what it's worth, sorry you've been treated like this.


    I was also not so innocent and did some damage to find answers... I'm just gonna wrap it up and start afresh in the new year! This drove me nuts, since he admitted that he loved me. I took it too serious and it got me this far.


  • #15
    JackTaylorFan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,452 ✭✭✭JackTaylorFan


    Saffa1978 wrote: »
    he admitted that he loved me. I took it too serious and it got me this far.



    Throwing that word "love" around is a serious matter. He had no right to say it when clearly he did not "love" you. Guy sounds like a manipulator, OP.


  • #16
    thereality
    Registered Users Posts: 74 ✭✭thereality


    I could never date someone who is actively cheating, as if they see no issue cheating on their existing partner. They will cheat on you in the future.

    Honestly even without his wife, his guy is far from a keeper. He is manipulative, self-centred and sly.

    You seriously need to move on from this guy and find someone who is all around decent guy.


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