Child being excluded from circle of friends

Not2beconfused

My child, aged 11, has a circle of 7 friends since the start of primary school and they have all gone to each other's b-day parties year in and year out since day one.

However this year something seems to have changed. We've now had 2 instances where my child has not been invited to 2 different social gatherings (one a birthday party, the other a Halloween party) - as parents there are no issues (that I'm aware of anyway), has been no falling out's etc and my child says that they are still friends with these 2 children (still play together in school etc).

I'm upset for my child, and would like to ask the parents why the other 6 kids are invited but not mine.

Thoughts?

tupenny

Is your child upset?
Either way, since you've known them all these years, imo you should ask in a non accusing way

Not2beconfused

She was when she learned of the first instance, she overheard the kids talking about it and came to me. She's unaware of the 2nd instance , as I saw the pictures on Facebook but I'm worried that she'll hear all about the Halloween party when she goes back to school on Monday.

Dravokivich

In fairness, at around that age kids tend to taper off into other social groups.

When I was 11 / 12 I stopped hanging around with the kids on my road (who I was also in school with). And the kids I was hanging out with in school became a smaller group. This all seemed to be without actively discouraging anyone else.

Moonbeam

In the younger classes they tend to invite all the girls or all the boys etc but as they get older they like to pick who they invite. it will balance out.

Not2beconfused

If I thought it was a natural divide/change, it wouldn't bother me but the 2 social gatherings consisted only of the core group of friends being invited (wasn't a big party / full class of girls only being invited for example) but the only one of the core group of 7 not invited was my child.

When my daughter had her party early in the year she didn't want to invite one of the 7 to her party, due to a clash of personalities, but because that would have meant that child being the only one not invited I said 'no way' - that she couldn't make a child feel excluded and that she had to be the better person.

Do other parent's not consider this? How do they think I'm going to react when I see a picture on FB and I know my daughter is the only one not there who would normally be there?

I suppose I also feel excluded and hurt because me or my child is obviously not part of this 'clique'

Loveinapril

Not2beconfused wrote: »

I suppose I also feel excluded and hurt because me or my child is obviously not part of this 'clique'

This is a pretty significant thing. We learn things in childhood that prepare us for adulthood. People fall out of friendships, personalities clash, cliques exist and there is nothing we can do about it. What we can do is look at how WE manage ourselves in those situations. This sort of stuff is going to become way more frequent given your daughter's age. Maybe use it as a teaching opportunity and to about relationships and how they can change but that it is not a reflection on her.

BorneTobyWilde

Kill em with kindness, throw a big party and invite them all.

Dravokivich

Not2beconfused wrote: »

Do other parent's not consider this? How do they think I'm going to react when I see a picture on FB and I know my daughter is the only one not there who would normally be there?

I suppose I also feel excluded and hurt because me or my child is obviously not part of this 'clique'

I'll be giving the same advice to my son, my da did for me. Focus on getting to know more people and get on with them. If someone doesnt respond in kind, so be it. Go forward and get to know more people. Grew into a wide varied set of friends as a result. You can't keep yourself down to one groul. Or expect that group to be constant throughout.

Sure your own daughter has already expressed that she didn't get on with one of them. You shouldn't force her to have to interact, only encourage her to remain courteous and civil.

Bitches Be Trypsin

I'm going to sound really harsh here, but someone needs to say it.

Being excluded is a natural part of life, and as a parent, I don't think it's your place to ask why they weren't invited. The child and parent of said parties haven't really done anything wrong, the child must not like your child as much as you think. They could very well hang out together in school because it's normal and where everyone is together anyway.

I think it's time your child learns (the very harsh) reality that this happens and is normal.

_Brian

You’ve said yourself that your daughter has personality clash with at least one other child in this group. Maybe there’s more going on you don’t know about.

You could talk to the teacher to make sure there isn’t something going on you don’t know about. I wouldn’t mention the party stuff, just check everything is ok with the friends at school.

Similar with my daughter there are children she’d rather not have at parties but we ask them anyway for inclusion. Mines not asked to all parties and we’re fone with that, actually it’s good.

Be careful asking other parents about this, you could easily come across as petty, there could also be something they’re afraid to mention to you, so asking may open something you don’t like.

idayang

Not2beconfused wrote: »

My child, aged 11, has a circle of 7 friends since the start of primary school and they have all gone to each other's b-day parties year in and year out since day one.

However this year something seems to have changed. We've now had 2 instances where my child has not been invited to 2 different social gatherings (one a birthday party, the other a Halloween party) - as parents there are no issues (that I'm aware of anyway), has been no falling out's etc and my child says that they are still friends with these 2 children (still play together in school etc).

I'm upset for my child, and would like to ask the parents why the other 6 kids are invited but not mine.

Thoughts?

Hi there, i understand your feeling but i am afraid you can't get the real reason if you ask other parents directly. and your daughter will feel awkward because she is a teenager now.

If it's me, i will stay away with my daughter and 'have a look'. we probably will discuss this and find a better solution (if it's possible). in my opinion one of the most important things in the family is--your kid knows that he/she can always trust you, and you will be her friend forever. good luck;)

Not2beconfused

Thanks so much for all your responses, really helpful! And as some of you pointed out, I just need to just get over it and ensure that my daughter is content and happy. And as she is involved with lots of out of school activities, she does have a varied circle of friends.

I'm like a mama bear protecting my cub from hurt, but I suppose I can't do that, I just have to help her realise that not everyone and every situation is going to be 'nice'

Thanks again!

Tombo2001

Not2beconfused wrote: »

If I thought it was a natural divide/change, it wouldn't bother me but the 2 social gatherings consisted only of the core group of friends being invited (wasn't a big party / full class of girls only being invited for example) but the only one of the core group of 7 not invited was my child.

When my daughter had her party early in the year she didn't want to invite one of the 7 to her party, due to a clash of personalities, but because that would have meant that child being the only one not invited I said 'no way' - that she couldn't make a child feel excluded and that she had to be the better person.

Do other parent's not consider this? How do they think I'm going to react when I see a picture on FB and I know my daughter is the only one not there who would normally be there?

I suppose I also feel excluded and hurt because me or my child is obviously not part of this 'clique'

How you feel shouldnt come into it. You are the grown up here. Bringing that into it will just mess things up for you and your child.

We've had that with our kids before. Its very difficult.

The obvious thing to do is to chat with one of the other parents to find out if there was a reason for it. Could be something really obvious like invite didnt make its way into school bag.

If there is a reason for it, then I would advise you either try to resolve in a friendly way or you just take the hit and move on. I genuinely think your kids will forget about it much quicker than you will.

I dont think its a good message for a kid that there is a big stand off, that they should be holding grudges etc etc.

Not2beconfused

Oh of course, and I had no intention of making it out to be a stand off or anything of significance or let my child be aware that I was going to say something.

I initially was thinking of having a friendly chat to see if there was something 'off' underneath it all but following the responses above, I'm just going to let it go and (try to) pay it no more heed going forward.