Homophobic Comments in Work

cgcsb

Hi all,

I'm not sure if this belongs in lgbt or in some other forum related to advice in the workplace. However the nature of the remarks make me think I need the advice of another gay man.

I had an experience today in work. I'll prefix by saying that I've been with this company for over a year but am only based out of this particular office for the past 3 days. I haven't told anyone I'm gay here yet, not because I'm in the closet but just because at this stage we've only ever talked about mathematical concepts, energy policy etc. (I'm an engineer). I have established that at least two of them are married(to opposite sex partners) so I'd imagine there may be inquiries into my personal situation in the near future. Which I always dread because it's not obvious to most that I'm gay and the eyebrows always go up and some inane word vomit always falls out of people's mouths when I say it.

At the moment I'm in a small office, only 4 individuals. Myself two guys and a girl.

Anyway today we were discussing a well known gay celebrity who had been on site recently. One of the guys had done a health and safety induction with this celebrity. The girl says, "Oh XXXX, I d say you were showing him all that with your back to the wall". To which he replied "Oh yes, back to the wall arms around the waist." The other guy interjected and asked the girl "Is he that camp really?" to which she replied "Yes he is, but I like him anyway". Then the second lad said "oh well he's no threat to you"

I could only see the girl at the time, I'm hidden from the 2 guys by a partition. I remained quiet for the whole thing and there was a bit of tension in the room.

I've said nothing since. To be honest I was offended by it, even though the comments were not directed at me, and I know that many straight people who are 'not homophobic' would denigrate me for feeling offended by it.

It's a small office so sending an email to HR would probably increase the tension somewhat and nobody wants to get a rep as being a tattle tale I suppose especially when my career is one on the up.

I'm giving one of the lads and the girl (she ceased being a girl many years ago I stress) the silent treatment at the minute. What do people here think I should do? Taking them aside individually for admonishing is an option but I suppose there's downsides to that also. Keep in mind I'm a couple of decades younger than most of these people. I could also pretend nothing happened for a while and the next time a similar event occurs immediately challenge it. This time around I just didn't see it coming so was a little taken aback.

Have any of you a similar experience? or would you know how to react in such a situation?

cgcsb

cgcsb wrote: »

To be honest I was offended by it, even though the comments were not directed at me, and I know that many straight people who are 'not homophobic' would denigrate me for feeling offended by it.

I'm not denigrating you, but as a straight person who is 'not homophobic' (unsure as to why you needed the inverted commas) I do struggle as to why you would feel offended.

strandroad

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I'm not denigrating you, but as a straight person who is 'not homophobic' (unsure as to why you needed the inverted commas) I do struggle as to why you would feel offended.

Because they imply that gays can't stop themselves from harassing men around them.

OP I'd let this one slide but next time I'd calmly say something like "well I'm gay and we really don't jump people like that" then leave it in their court.

Jobs OXO

cgcsb wrote: »

Hi all,

I'm not sure if this belongs in lgbt or in some other forum related to advice in the workplace. However the nature of the remarks make me think I need the advice of another gay man.

I had an experience today in work. I'll prefix by saying that I've been with this company for over a year but am only based out of this particular office for the past 3 days. I haven't told anyone I'm gay here yet, not because I'm in the closet but just because at this stage we've only ever talked about mathematical concepts, energy policy etc. (I'm an engineer). I have established that at least two of them are married(to opposite sex partners) so I'd imagine there may be inquiries into my personal situation in the near future. Which I always dread because it's not obvious to most that I'm gay and the eyebrows always go up and some inane word vomit always falls out of people's mouths when I say it.

At the moment I'm in a small office, only 4 individuals. Myself two guys and a girl.

Anyway today we were discussing a well known gay celebrity who had been on site recently. One of the guys had done a health and safety induction with this celebrity. The girl says, "Oh XXXX, I d say you were showing him all that with your back to the wall". To which he replied "Oh yes, back to the wall arms around the waist." The other guy interjected and asked the girl "Is he that camp really?" to which she replied "Yes he is, but I like him anyway".

I could only see the girl at the time, I'm hidden from the 2 guys by a partition. I remained quiet for the whole thing and there was a bit of tension in the room.

I've said nothing since. To be honest I was offended by it, even though the comments were not directed at me, and I know that many straight people who are 'not homophobic' would denigrate me for feeling offended by it.

It's a small office so sending an email to HR would probably increase the tension somewhat and nobody wants to get a rep as being a tattle tale I suppose especially when my career is one on the up.

I'm giving one of the lads and the girl (she ceased being a girl many years ago I stress) the silent treatment at the minute. What do people here think I should do? Taking them aside individually for admonishing is an option but I suppose there's downsides to that also. Keep in mind I'm a couple of decades younger than most of these people. I could also pretend nothing happened for a while and the next time a similar event occurs immediately challenge it. This time around I just didn't see it coming so was a little taken aback.

Have any of you a similar experience? or would you know how to react in such a situation?

All sounds very harmless. Are you looking to take offence unnecessarily?

B-D-P--

To be honest,
I know it would have been tough, But ya should have said there and then
"Hey now ya prick, I'm gay so less of it" in a bit of a joking mannor or similiar,

I'm sure it was said with a light heart but yes is offensive. These comments are not made to hurt people, although yes in the wrong time can be hurtful.

Sure straight men are looked at as potential rapists too by a large minority of idiots. Don't be offended by it OP. Just ignore stupid comments and be thankful that you aren't as mentally challenged as those people

cgcsb

I put this in the LGBT forum specifically so as to avoid comments like the one above, that fail to even attempt to put themselves in the shoes of a gay person.

I suppose I'll have to explain. I know that straight people might struggle with this example. But let's imagine you are an Irish person working in the UK about 30 years ago, at this stage nobody actually knows where you are from, and the people you work with begin a tirade against Irish people being stupid, ugly and backward. Surely that would offend you, especially in a culture of 'no dogs, no paddies' etc.

RWCNT

Jobs OXO wrote: »

All sounds very harmless. Are you looking to take offence unnecessarily?

I could be wrong but I doubt that you're stupid enough to fail to see how offence could be taken from asking someone "Did you keep your back to the wall?" because they happened to be in the company of a gay man.

I'd imagine you're keen to accuse someone of taking unnecessary offence.

Pelvis

Whatever about who should or shouldn't be offended, giving them the silent treatment will achieve nothing, you may as well try and keep things cordial.

cgcsb

cgcsb wrote: »

I put this in the LGBT forum specifically so as to avoid comments like the one above, that fail to even attempt to put themselves in the shoes of a gay person.

I suppose I'll have to explain. I know that straight people might struggle with this example. But let's imagine you are an Irish person working in the UK about 30 years ago, at this stage nobody actually knows where you are from, and the people you work with begin a tirade against Irish people being stupid, ugly and backward. Surely that would offend you, especially in a culture of 'no dogs, no paddies' etc.

We don't live in a culture that discriminates against gay people any more. Sure, there are a couple of people that might say silly things, but context and intent are very important. If someone made a Madeline McCann joke or off colour remark I wouldn't imagine that we were living in a culture that promotes or accepts child abduction, but rather there are a few people that act unprofessionally in the work place. I wouldn't take offense but it would skew how I view people. To be honest, I would rather people were allowed to spout such nonsense so I could judge them for myself rather than insist on a safe space where I amn't sure if people are being civil in order to be PC.

zoobizoo

Couple of years back I was in the company of a guy who was making "Jewish" jokes.... "Why do Jews........?"

I turned around and asked him to stop and said that I found it offensive. I wasn't going to sit there and listen to it. He replied with "I've got Jewish friends who think these jokes are funny" to which I replied, "that's cool but it's not on in my company".

I'm not Jewish.


I was working in a place and had a meeting with the local LGBT group. The Manager found out and made some comments similar to your sitution... "better watch out" etc... I rolled my eyes I reassured him that he wasn't exactly a catch and that he'd be safe enough.

I'm not gay. The comment was less offensive to me than the jokes above.

If he had starting telling me homophobic jokes, I'd have made a point of saying "that's really not on" like I did above.


I worked in the UK and a co-worker made a comment to me about Irish people being stupid. He was about 20 years older than me. I informed him that the comment was offensive and that "you're from bleedin' Wales.... hardly the epicentre of intelligence"... I left it at that. Was I offended? Slightly. Did I feel I had dealt with it? Yes. Would I have gone to HR? No - not unless it was continuing and I'd felt that it was personal.

If they knew you were gay, they wouldn't make those comments in your company (I'd imagine).

Pigeon Reaper

You're perfectly entitled to be offended at their comments but don't take them personally. They probably wouldn't have said it if they had know you are gay. It's how they carry on normally.

You have to work with them but it's going to be difficult. As for the next steps only you can decide what you think is appropriate. I'd advise against reacting this time as they'll have forgotten about it but if they start saying stupid stuff again I'd challenge them immediately.

daithi84

Jobs OXO wrote: »

All sounds very harmless. Are you looking to take offence unnecessarily?

The remarks are quite offensive. Using slurs to suggest gay people are sex offenders is not harmless.

If i was in that situation i would of stood up and made a smart remark and walked off. To be honest i wouldnt be bringing it to HR. Its typical ignorance.

baby and crumble

Mod note: Can I just remind people to read the charter before posting.

This thread is not about whether or not a gay person has the right to be offended or upset by comments that reference homosexuality in a negative manner.

Please refrain for telling people how they should or shouldn't feel, based on how YOU feel.

baby and crumble

Deleted User wrote: »

We don't live in a culture that discriminates against gay people any more.

That is entirely untrue.

Just because we have had some legislative changes in the last few years does not mean that gay people are not discriminated against.

cgcsb

Jobs OXO
Are you looking to take offence unnecessarily?

No

Tenigate

I'm in a small office and we had the exact same discussion a few days ago .. and it's harmless.
Put it this way.. you've joined a team who has a certain way of acting and doing things. They might enjoy banter, pushing the envelope, and be happy that they're not too PC. They're probably pretty malleable in that over time your own way of acting and thinking will influence their behaviour.
Maybe you'd be happier in a more mutlicultural, corporate environment where there's a HR team to jump down the neck of any straight, white male who looks crooked at a minority. Personally, I worked in one of those places and it made me miserable.

baby and crumble

baby and crumble wrote: »

That is entirely untrue.

Just because we have had some legislative changes in the last few years does not mean that gay people are not discriminated against.

It is not untrue. I never said there aren't certain people who discriminate. That happens to all genders, sexes and races. It's not exclusively a homophobic issue. We don't live in a homophobic society, a racist society or a sexist society. That isn't to say there aren't homophobes, racists or sexists.

That's just life Im afraid.

cgcsb

The Dunne

We don't live in a culture that discriminates against gay people any more.

Yes we do, as I clearly experienced this morning and have experienced many times in my life. I've been glassed, had things thrown at me, things shouted at me because I'm gay.


If someone made a Madeline McCann joke or off colour remark I wouldn't imagine that we were living in a culture that promotes or accepts child abduction, but rather there are a few people that act unprofessionally in the work place. I wouldn't take offense but it would skew how I view people.

Well you're not Madeline McCann's immediate family so I don't see how that's a valid comparison.

To be honest, I would rather people were allowed to spout such nonsense so I could judge them for myself rather than insist on a safe space where I amn't sure if people are being civil in order to be PC.

I'm not insisting on having a safe space I am insisting that people not issue intimidating homophobic comments in a professional setting on front of people they've just met.

baby and crumble

Tenigate wrote: »

I'm in a small office and we had the exact same discussion a few days ago .. and it's harmless.
Put it this way.. you've joined a team who has a certain way of acting and doing things. They might enjoy banter, pushing the envelope, and be happy that they're not too PC. They're probably pretty malleable in that over time your own way of acting and thinking will influence their behaviour.
Maybe you'd be happier in a more mutlicultural, corporate environment where there's a HR team to jump down the neck of any straight, white male who looks crooked at a minority. Personally, I worked in one of those places and it made me miserable.

If these comments upset someone then it is clearly NOT harmless.

I would say the exact same thing to anyone that joked about how likely it was that a straight guy was likely to rape a female member of staff. Tarring people with the same wide brush is NOT funny.

Joking about the liklihood of rape is NOT "banter". How hard is that to fathom?

El_Duderino 09

Funny enough I saw an early episode of only fools and horses that had a ‘backs to the wall’ joke and it highlighted how outdated that joke is. I can’t really imagine anyone making that joke on this day and age so I would be inclined to think they were out of touch with the fact that there could be gay people around them in the office. I wouldn’t wait until the next time it happens and giving them the silent treatment is useless if they don’t know you’re doing it or why you’re doing it. They probably think you’re just a bit quiet.

If it’s very important to you I’d suggest asking them one at a time for a quick chat. Letting them know that you heard their jokes and you didn't like it. If you kept it calm and relaxed and assertive, there’s a great chance they’ll be mortified and will apologise.

Involving HR is likely to create more tension and make you seem like someone who will go behind their backs. If you feel they are generally good people and you’re not in any danger by having a 1-1 chat, then that’s the option I’d take.

nelly17

Does the fact that you haven't told anyone you're gay not play into this at all. People tend to be more mindful of peoples 'sensitivities' if they know the full context of a given situation. As a society trying to come from being historically very conservative to one that is a bit more progressive stereotyping still exists and it will for a while, but in general people make an effort not to offend if they know the situation.

cgcsb

Couple of years back I was in the company of a guy who was making "Jewish" jokes.... "Why do Jews........?"

I turned around and asked him to stop and said that I found it offensive. I wasn't going to sit there and listen to it. He replied with "I've got Jewish friends who think these jokes are funny" to which I replied, "that's cool but it's not on in my company".

I'm not Jewish.


I was working in a place and had a meeting with the local LGBT group. The Manager found out and made some comments similar to your sitution... "better watch out" etc... I rolled my eyes I reassured him that he wasn't exactly a catch and that he'd be safe enough.

I'm not gay. The comment was less offensive to me than the jokes above.

If he had starting telling me homophobic jokes, I'd have made a point of saying "that's really not on" like I did above.


I worked in the UK and a co-worker made a comment to me about Irish people being stupid. He was about 20 years older than me. I informed him that the comment was offensive and that "you're from bleedin' Wales.... hardly the epicentre of intelligence"... I left it at that. Was I offended? Slightly. Did I feel I had dealt with it? Yes. Would I have gone to HR? No - not unless it was continuing and I'd felt that it was personal.

That's shocking, the intelligence thing I always find quite ironic coming from the British who actually have quite poor literacy, language skills, and they voted for BREXIT :eek:



If they knew you were gay, they wouldn't make those comments in your company (I'd imagine).

That kind of disturbs me a bit more. If I had cartwheeled into the place in a wig and high heels to a Britney backingtrack they'd have said nothing but for the garden variety gay person this kind of thing just creates a toxic culture in which it is difficult to come out.

cgcsb

cgcsb wrote: »

The Dunne

We don't live in a culture that discriminates against gay people any more.

Yes we do, as I clearly experienced this morning and have experienced many times in my life. I've been glassed, had things thrown at me, things shouted at me because I'm gay.


If someone made a Madeline McCann joke or off colour remark I wouldn't imagine that we were living in a culture that promotes or accepts child abduction, but rather there are a few people that act unprofessionally in the work place. I wouldn't take offense but it would skew how I view people.

Well you're not Madeline McCann's immediate family so I don't see how that's a valid comparison.

To be honest, I would rather people were allowed to spout such nonsense so I could judge them for myself rather than insist on a safe space where I amn't sure if people are being civil in order to be PC.

I'm not insisting on having a safe space I am insisting that people not issue intimidating homophobic comments in a professional setting on front of people they've just met.

I've experienced discrimination because I am straight, male and white. Does that mean that society is against me too? No it doesn't. I just happened to suffer discrimination from some idiots. It's terrible that you were bottled and nobody would condone that behaviour. Sadly, idiots will be idiots.

The Madeline McCann scenario is a valid comparison. They weren't specifically talking about you or your immediate family. They were talking about a different gay person. By your logic, it shouldn't affect you.

And if you feel that someone making a "backs to the wall" spur of the moment throwaway comment is intimidating, then I can't help you there. There is a mod warning to not tell people how to feel so I wont, but I can honestly say that although you have a right to be intimidated by that if you chose, I would wager that most people wouldn't be. Again, from your own description, it seemed like harmless banter that wasn't intended to offend.

My advice would be to say something like, "lads ease up on the whole backs to the wall stuff. It makes me feel uncomfortable". They may decide that you are easily offended and you might be excluded from conversations, but if you are that easily offended, thats the trade off you have to expect.

cgcsb

You're perfectly entitled to be offended at their comments but don't take them personally. They probably wouldn't have said it if they had know you are gay. It's how they carry on normally.

You have to work with them but it's going to be difficult. As for the next steps only you can decide what you think is appropriate. I'd advise against reacting this time as they'll have forgotten about it but if they start saying stupid stuff again I'd challenge them immediately.

Thanks, I was thinking this might be the best way to proceed. I'm more angry with myself that I didn't stick my head above the partition at the time and I keep asking myself why I didn't and to be honest I have to say it was fear, I had that nervous feeling in my gut sort of like I was 16 again.

cgcsb

cgcsb wrote: »

That's shocking, the intelligence thing I always find quite ironic coming from the British who actually have quite poor literacy, language skills, and they voted for BREXIT :eek:
.

Imagine tarring a large group of people with one brush eh?? :rolleyes:

cgcsb

I'm in a small office and we had the exact same discussion a few days ago .. and it's harmless.

Are you gay?
Either way I can assure you it is not harmless. It is unprofessional discriminatory vulgarity that creates a homophobic culture in which gay people are tormented.


Put it this way.. you've joined a team who has a certain way of acting and doing things. They might enjoy banter, pushing the envelope, and be happy that they're not too PC.

I understand that some people think that it's ok to make derogatory homophobic comments, my OP was about how I should go about informing those people that it is not ok. And I am not going to debate with you whether or not it is OK, I am telling you it is not OK

They're probably pretty malleable in that over time your own way of acting and thinking will influence their behaviour.
Maybe you'd be happier in a more mutlicultural, corporate environment where there's a HR team to jump down the neck of any straight, white male who looks crooked at a minority. Personally, I worked in one of those places and it made me miserable.

If you're not making horrifically derogatory comments about other people I don't see why HR should be jumping down the throats of the great straight white male, who's plight is so gargantuan that a mere gay white male just wouldn't understand

Tenigate

Deleted User wrote: »

Imagine tarring a large group of people with one brush eh?? :rolleyes:

Yea but.. it's just a bit of banter.. clearly he wouldn't say it if someone British was present. :rolleyes:

Tenigate

baby and crumble wrote: »

If these comments upset someone then it is clearly NOT harmless.

I would say the exact same thing to anyone that joked about how likely it was that a straight guy was likely to rape a female member of staff. Tarring people with the same wide brush is NOT funny.

Joking about the liklihood of rape is NOT "banter". How hard is that to fathom?

Sure, they're not harmless.. clearly they can hurt feelings pretty severely.

I don't think it's a rape comment as much as a humorous insinuation.

baby and crumble

Enough with the snide remarks and sweeping generalities folks.

EndaHonesty

Was the celebrity in question Al Porter?

If so the comments were fine as Al Porter's whole shtick is that he would get up on any man, gay or straight...

baby and crumble

Tenigate wrote: »

I don't think it's a rape comment as much as a humorous insinuation.

A humorous insinuation???? Making comments that gay men will force sex on straight men is a humorous insinuation???

Tenigate

baby and crumble wrote: »

A humorous insinuation???? Making comments that gay men will force sex on straight men is a humorous insinuation???

Not necessarily force, maybe seduce.

baby and crumble

Tenigate wrote: »

Not necessarily force, maybe seduce.

Do you know the meaning of the word "seduce"?

cgcsb

nelly17

Does the fact that you haven't told anyone you're gay not play into this at all. People tend to be more mindful of peoples 'sensitivities' if they know the full context of a given situation. As a society trying to come from being historically very conservative to one that is a bit more progressive stereotyping still exists and it will for a while, but in general people make an effort not to offend if they know the situation.

Well yes and no. If people were making disparaging anti protestant remarks on front of me not realizing I were a protestant it's still just as ignorant in fact this situation more so because not only were the comments said but the underlying assumption was that there couldn't possibly be a gay person in earshot because shure we'd know em if we seen em

cgcsb

cgcsb wrote: »

If you're not making horrifically derogatory comments about other people I don't see why HR should be jumping down the throats of the great straight white male, who's plight is so gargantuan that a mere gay white male just wouldn't understand

Irony

cgcsb

Deleted User

I've experienced discrimination because I am straight, male and white. Does that mean that society is against me too? No it doesn't. I just happened to suffer discrimination from some idiots. It's terrible that you were bottled and nobody would condone that behaviour. Sadly, idiots will be idiots.

I literally never said that society was 'against me'.




The Madeline McCann scenario is a valid comparison. They weren't specifically talking about you or your immediate family. They were talking about a different gay person. By your logic, it shouldn't affect you.

And if you feel that someone making a "backs to the wall" spur of the moment throwaway comment is intimidating, then I can't help you there. There is a mod warning to not tell people how to feel so I wont, but I can honestly say that although you have a right to be intimidated by that if you chose, I would wager that most people wouldn't be. Again, from your own description, it seemed like harmless banter that wasn't intended to offend.

My advice would be to say something like, "lads ease up on the whole backs to the wall stuff. It makes me feel uncomfortable". They may decide that you are easily offended and you might be excluded from conversations, but if you are that easily offended, thats the trade off you have to expect.


Right I'm not going to continue to reply to this because it is trolling. You know yourself why Maddie McCann is not a valid comparison to this situation. And you know yourself that it is not 'harmless bantar' to people who are gay, so I'll leave you off with that. I don't require any more of your 'advice'.

cgcsb

EndaHonesty

Was the celebrity in question Al Porter?

If so the comments were fine as Al Porter's whole shtick is that he would get up on any man, gay or straight...

They are NOT fine, no more than saying Chris Rock would be quite fond of the fried chicken afterall all his jokes are about being black no?

This is NOT ok, honestly some people on here.

neonsofa

Im a straight (mainly) female so i know i may not be the target group you wanted advice/feedback from but I can understand why you feel the way you do. And while the comments may not have been made maliciously or they may not have k own you are gay, that isnt really the point. They expressed their opinion/jokes/thoughts and you as a gay man heard them and felt they were offensive. I suppose how you deal with it is what you need advice on.

In the past ive kind of kicked myself when i didnt say anything when i heard people make racist comments (im irish but obviously dont agree with the comments). But like you,i kind of was taken aback and made a split decision and kept quiet. So what i did was wait until the next one (its rarely a one off unfortunately) and said something somewhat pre prepared- not a script or anything- but just have a think about what you'd like to say if the opportunity presented itself.
You may feel that you need to do something now rather than wait for another instance and if thats the case then i think maybe informally is best. Sorry thats not very helpful!

Jobs OXO

cgcsb wrote: »

EndaHonesty

Was the celebrity in question Al Porter?

If so the comments were fine as Al Porter's whole shtick is that he would get up on any man, gay or straight...

They are NOT fine, no more than saying Chris Rock would be quite fond of the fried chicken afterall all his jokes are about being black no?

This is NOT ok, honestly some people on here.

Can you use the quote function normally without bolding? It's hard to follow what you are saying

cgcsb

Im a straight (mainly) female so i know i may not be the target group you wanted advice/feedback from but I can understand why you feel the way you do. And while the comments may not have been made maliciously or they may not have k own you are gay, that isnt really the point. They expressed their opinion/jokes/thoughts and you as a gay man heard them and felt they were offensive. I suppose how you deal with it is what you need advice on.

In the past ive kind of kicked myself when i didnt say anything when i heard people make racist comments (im irish but obviously dont agree with the comments). But like you,i kind of was taken aback and made a split decision and kept quiet. So what i did was wait until the next one (its rarely a one off unfortunately) and said something somewhat pre prepared- not a script or anything- but just have a think about what you'd like to say if the opportunity presented itself.
You may feel that you need to do something now rather than wait for another instance and if thats the case then i think maybe informally is best. Sorry thats not very helpful!

Thankyou

cgcsb

my quote function isn't working for some reason

cgcsb

cgcsb wrote: »

I literally never said that society was 'against me'.





Right I'm not going to continue to reply to this because it is trolling. You know yourself why Maddie McCann is not a valid comparison to this situation. And you know yourself that it is not 'harmless bantar' to people who are gay, so I'll leave you off with that. I don't require any more of your 'advice'.

Honestly, I am not trolling. And I did (still do) feel that the Madeline McCann scenario is a valid analogy (it's not perfect but illustrates something that some people find exceptionally offensive while some people just say it to be funny/controversial).

And to some gay people (and indeed straight people), it is 'harmless banter'. You just happen to be a gay person who finds it deeply offensive.

I just offered my advice, which was to tell people you are easily offended but not to be surprised if you found yourself "out of the loop" when it came to social gatherings/conversations as people may be concerned that you will take offense when none was intended.

It seems you only want advice that feeds into a victim mentality so I'm surprised you even asked for it on a discussion forum where you should have expected a mixed bag of responses. Refusing to discuss or even accept advice is a little close minded but each to their own I suppose.

EndaHonesty

cgcsb wrote: »

They are NOT fine, no more than saying Chris Rock would be quite fond of the fried chicken afterall all his jokes are about being black no?

This is NOT ok, honestly some people on here.

Were the comments about Al Porter?

nelly17

cgcsb wrote: »

nelly17

Does the fact that you haven't told anyone you're gay not play into this at all. People tend to be more mindful of peoples 'sensitivities' if they know the full context of a given situation. As a society trying to come from being historically very conservative to one that is a bit more progressive stereotyping still exists and it will for a while, but in general people make an effort not to offend if they know the situation.

Well yes and no. If people were making disparaging anti protestant remarks on front of me not realizing I were a protestant it's still just as ignorant in fact this situation more so because not only were the comments said but the underlying assumption was that there couldn't possibly be a gay person in earshot because shure we'd know em if we seen em

I actually do agree with you it is ignorant - it's complete ignorance they weren't aware of the situation. As a straight guy I empathise with your situation (I can only try and put myself in your shoes but will probably never know that feels)But I think as a society as a whole while we should be more mindful of peoples situations but were not - some people are assholes and bravado can amplify that. I think you have every right to take offence but you give others a little too much credit in terms of your expatation of their behaviour. But again I think if they know the full extent of their given situation this is probably a thread that would not exist.

One eyed Jack

"cgcsb wrote: »

I'm giving one of the lads and the girl (she ceased being a girl many years ago I stress) the silent treatment at the minute. What do people here think I should do?

OP I can understand what was a humiliating experience for you, been through it many times under different circumstances myself where people would make oblivious and thoughtless comments in company where they thought it was safe to do so. It's not all that different from your own bracing remarks later on in this thread where you assumed it was safe to do so -

cgcsb wrote: »

That's shocking, the intelligence thing I always find quite ironic coming from the British who actually have quite poor literacy, language skills, and they voted for BREXIT :eek:.

Point being that nobody is immune from making thoughtless comments at times when they feel it may be safe to do so. Your own comments don't diminish the impact of your co-workers comments which made you feel humiliated, and of course this thread is about your issue, but I thought it worth pointing out that as someone who struggles with literacy and language skills, I'm grateful at least that I don't struggle with self-awareness and awareness of other people.

cgcsb

Thanks Nelly, I appreciate the understanding. Some people on this forum don't even want to try to open their minds to the possibility that what they think is gas altogether is derogatory and unacceptable in polite society.

cgcsb

cgcsb wrote: »

EndaHonesty

Was the celebrity in question Al Porter?

If so the comments were fine as Al Porter's whole shtick is that he would get up on any man, gay or straight...

They are NOT fine, no more than saying Chris Rock would be quite fond of the fried chicken afterall all his jokes are about being black no?

This is NOT ok, honestly some people on here.

That is an example of an analogy that doesn't work.

If Al Porter happened to make a joke about being gay, then it wouldn't be cool to make such a comment as it would be bringing up a stereotype that wasn't alluded to. Same as if Chris Rock was making a general joke about being black, bringing up a stereotype that wasn't mentioned would be a crass and uncalled for.

If Chris Rock was making jokes about loving fried chicken, the it would be very applicable to talk about him liking fried chicken. If Al Porter was making jokes about being sexually promiscuous and trying it on with straight men, then a 'backs to the wall' comment would be justified.

Context and intent are very important

cgcsb

Re British people: it is a fact that they normally score poorly in literacy in language skills. That anti-Irish sentiment that was pervasive in the UK 30 years ago resorting to the inference of Irish people being stupid is ironic. It's not a lazy stereotype it's a statistical irony.

cgcsb

cgcsb wrote: »

Thanks Nelly, I appreciate the understanding. Some people on this forum don't even want to try to open their minds to the possibility that what they think is gas altogether is derogatory and unacceptable in polite society.

My mind is completely open. I understand that some people get offended quite easily. I think that you need to open your mind to the possibility that not everyone shares your sensibilities and you will sometimes hear things that you don't like.

It's up to you how personally you take it.

cgcsb

ok Dunne :rolleyes: