Son not happy in the secondary school I chose: what to do

GIBlues

My sons started a secondary school this year that I picked up after a long deliberation. None of his primary school mates go there, but considering the general profile of the school I strongly believed he would be happy and would easily find himself in the new environment. The school has got quite an emphasis on academic achievement as opposed to the school that the majority of his primary school mates now go. It is also a private, mixed school as opposed to the public all-boys school of his former mates. It is also a bit further from where we live as opposed to this local school, but the commute is not a problem and we actually take the same bus – him to school and me to work. He was OK at first, but now tells me he doesn’t like it and would like to move to where all his primary school friends are. There is no bullying or any problems with studying, he just seems not to like the vibe of the school and thinks it is not worth my spending money on it (!) and also believes he would be so much happier in the local school. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t want him to be miserable, and although the academic rank of the school I picked was a very important criterion for me, it surely doesn’t make much sense on insisting he should continue there if he doesn’t feel good. He also says he feels as if he didn’t belong there. How difficult would be for him to transfer to the other school now? How should I go about it? Is there any particular set procedure I should be looking to set in motion? It all seems like a trivial matter over which to be changing schools when I try to put it on paper…. how do I talk to both schools? I hate seeing him the way he is now.

tracey turnblad

Personally I’d do everything in my power to let him change. My child’s happiness comes before anything else, you only live once....

LegacyUser

My parents sent my brother to a private school as the local boys secondary school had an awful rep. He wasn't happy at first as he wanted to stay with his friends but after the first term he started to get involved more in the school and ended up staying and looking back (he's 30 now) he agrees it was the right choice. People can argue about the child being happy coming first but is it short term happiness vs long term gain? Being a parent is not just about making a child happy but doing what is best for them. My brother is still friends with some of the guys he went to primary school with so the choice of school didn't impact on that. On the other hand I've kept in touch with no one I went to primary or secondary school with and regret not moving schools when given the option.

If he's not academically inclined maybe he is better at a more technical school but if the only reason is cus he wants to be with his friends I'm not sure it's a good enough reason. I'd look at making him at least finish the year as it will be easier to transfer then trying to do it mid term/mid year.

shesty

I would actually hold back a bit.Secondary school is a massive change for teenagers.Top that off with him seeing (and maybe hearing about ) his primary school friends in another school, the realisation of the chamge may only be hitting home now.I agree you want him to be happy but equally you chose this school for a reason and you are the parent.Of course he wants to go to the other school, it contains an element of familiarity in the shape of his friends.But being a teenager he probably doesn't really realise that groups form and re-form in secondary school, and sometimes it takes time and a bit of effort to make new things work.

I would try and come to an agreement with him that he will stick it out til Christmas at the new school.That is only about 7 weeks or so? Quietly maybe see if you can have a chat with someone in his new school, a form teacher or whatever, and see if there is anything going on that you should know about.And maybe make some enquiries (again quietly) about how he might change school, just so you know your options - there's no point in an agreement that he will stay til christmas and then realising he can't get into the new school til Easter or next year.

I agree you want him to be happy but I wouldn't jump straight away when he says things like this....big stuff like the move to secondary school can take time and it might be better to approach it gently and see if he can learn (or be helped to learn) to settle a bit more, or cope, so to speak, rather than instantly trying to make it all ok when he says he doesn't like something.

OnDraught

I was in a similar situation to your son when I was his age. I was sent to a private school without any of my mates. It was a horrible culture shock coming from a normal school. I hated it and eventually left in 5th year. I would have left earlier if I could have.

In saying that I did make friends that I’m still friends with today so it wasn’t all bad.

denismc

It can take a while to adjust to a new school/job/country, if they only started secondary in September then that is little under 2 months.
I would wait until after Christmas at least before considering a move and if they are still struggling then maybe consider a move.

bucketybuck

Against his wishes you took him away from all his friends so he could get a bus with his mum/dad to a new school further away? And now you find out that he is miserable?

Who could have guessed...

Sleeper12

Totally agree.

It seems to be a shock to op that he doesn't want to go to a private school. Was he not involved in the choice of school?

freshpopcorn

I take it your in Dublin?
I know where I'm from getting into schools isn't really an issue.
My advice is get him to give it another try and see how it goes.
The only thing I do know from my experience is people tend to well in school if they have good support at home no matter where the schools are on the league tables.

Tenigate

Hi op. I hope you learned a valuable lesson and I'm sincere about that.
Now i dont expect a 12 year old to make really important decisions without some parental input, but was the decision to go to that school his? And will you respect his decision to leave it?
As an adult you can financially control your kids. You're also in a great position to coerce them, including asking them to reconsider a choice they already made until they give in. The problem is in trying to set your kids up with the best possible start in life is that you could be making them unhappy by destroying their self worth.
When a person makes a decision and it turns out well, they get to feel good. When it turns out bad they get to learn, so they still benefited. If you impose a decision on them and it goes well, you get to feel good. And if it goes badly, well they'll just have been trampled on by life without knowing why.
I don't think it would be too outrageous to ask your kid to have a word with his career head or guidance counsellor. (Just be aware that they'll aldo be able to influence him if they wanted to). I'm sure they'd be able to put him in contact with a person in the other school if he'd like to discuss his options.

pwurple

Yeah... this is ringing bells for me. Sounds like most of the other children have come from the same schools and he is the new fish in the pond.

I think you nearly need to consider this thing about feeder schools at primary level, rather than assuming it will work out at the later level.

Talk to the teachers , see if his class teacher has a relationship with him.

shesty

pwurple wrote: »

I think you nearly need to consider this thing about feeder schools at primary level, rather than assuming it will work out at the later level. .

True until you find yourself in an area like ours with a choice of a good 8 or 9 secondary schools.I appreciate that you do need to include kids in decisons as they get older but some decisions like education, you simply see further down the road than they do because you are older.If he is struggling with the academic aspect or whatever, that's one thing, but if it's just because his friends are in another school....then no, I would be reluctant to jump on it straight away.

Aside from anything else in a year or so he probably won't thank you for moving him from a mixed school to an all-boys school anyway, so I doubt there's any winning for the OP on this one.

Hannibal_Smith

Did he only start in Sept? It could well be that he hears his mates chatting about what went on and he's not getting the 'in jokes'. Add to that the fact that all the other kids in the new school have their own attachments that he's not part of either. If it's a good school, it's worth hanging on in there. But like you say, both of he really is miserable. I've a feeling we'll be facing the same dilemma as you in a few years, so I understand where you're coming from. I'll be interested in seeing how it pans out for you. Not much help to you though!

Teyla Emmagan

It's just transition. Find a way for him to spend time with his old mates (like football, Scouts) and he will be fine. He just feels left out of their stuff ATM, which doesn't mean you haven't made the right decision. Secondary school is a massive change for kids. It's a huge knock on their ass and very tiring. But he will be fine. He is not the only kid in the new school who doesn't know everyone. Personally I would toe the party line and not even discuss changing schools. Then he will settle in. If he senses you are wavering you will never hear the end of it.

Hollister11

Some kids just don't like school.

I hated school every day. I had no interest in the subjects really. I found some interesting (English in the LC, and Business) but I couldn't;t stand it. The only aspect I like were my friends. I just had to graft through, get an OK leaving cert, and hope a good path unfolds.

scarepanda

Op I think you need to figure out exactly whether his unhappiness is the school or friends. And truly listen to what he's telling you.

My situation was a bit different in that i wanted to go to school X, and had primary school friends in my class, but I knew by Christmas of first year that I was in the wrong school. I muddled through 1st year and only truly told my parents around Halloween of 2nd year that I really wanted to change to school Y. At that point it was a bit late to try move in third year because of the JC, so I moved going into 5th year and it was the best decision. For me it wasn't a friend issue, I was just in the wrong school. I only wish I'd told my parents in first year that I wasn't happy and changed for second year.

GIBlues

Hi all, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on my dilemma and pieces of advice…. It looks like what shesty says would be a good approach…. At the same time I’m feeling the sarcasm in bucketybuck’s reply is so deserved in a way…. And nothing could be more true than what Tenigate says… yes, very very valuable lesson and I do agree the path to self-confidence and self-worth is so easily frustrated when you tend to make all the choices for your child…. And no, my son was not involved in the choice of school as such – I must have arrogantly assumed I’ve been doing best by him just picking the secondary school that – by the looks of it – is an instrument for my ambitions for him that anything else. Approaching 50 myself and his Dad no longer with us, I thought picking a private education school would be the best thing I could do for him at this time of his life when influences, inspirations and sources of either happiness or disappointments in the formative years tend to ever so subtly send you down a specific path and shape you for the rest of your life…. What other way to optimize the chances of overall success in life than good education? He did mention last year that he’d want to continue on to the secondary school together with his friends, but I did explain to him that there were other factors besides old friends that should play a part in the selection and he went along with that: yes the textbook case of a parent wanting to do what they thinks is best for them…. . Now, however, it seems that, as scarepanda rightly pointed out, it looks like although he is unhappy about not being with his former friends, the main issue is that he is in the wrong school more than anything else from what I can gather… I’m going to talk to him again, he is prepared to attend the current school for the rest of this year, but I’m beginning to think the sooner he transfers the better, if possible. My hopes of something happening that would change his mind diminish every day as I search for clues that his feelings could be just down to a passing adjustment phase as his dissatisfaction seems to go to the core underlying principles of the school, the challenges it chooses to pose or not to pose for its students, the rhythm of the day, the fact that he was new among students who probably had known each other from previous schools, and it all seems to be going against his grain…..

Call me Al

I really feel for your situation. It's a big decision to make and as a parent this choice can feel you are taking a leap of faith into a black hole, even more so when you're making all these big decisions by yourself.
I'd be asking myself if there was a specific reason why I might not feel that the local school wasn't suitable? Is your child a bookish academic type of person and are his subject choices available in the local school? What is the academic and social reputation of the local school like? All other things being equal (I.e. decent experienced teachers and student population) a good ambitious student will prevail once family support is there, and that is obviously the case for your son.
P.S. Don't be hard on yourself, you made this original choice from a place of love for your child.

shesty

OP, I think you are over-analysing a bit.Don't beat yourself up.Life happens.
If he is that unhappy, then have a serious chat about what he really is unhappy about and take it from there.

I have just heard some horror stories in the last couple of years from friends working in colleges as lecturers and postgrad students, who have students (mostly boys) whose parents step in to smooth every bump on their son's paths through college, including bad grades, late assignments and the like, and I suppose that was in the back of my head when giving advice-it's not a great road to start down.Also my own experience of the choice of secondary school.

If he changes then it's not the end of the world, and it's not a massive mistake on either part.It was tried out, it didn't work, live and learn.

coffeyt

Hi OP, no personal experience for me as my kids are not at that age yet but a few years back my sister in law was in the exact same situation with my niece.
They had sent her to an all girls school rather than the mixed school that most of her friends went to. She was miserable, crying in her room every night for weeks.
My sister in law eventually decided that seeing her so miserable wasn't worth it and organised for her to change schools about 6 weeks in.
She told her daughter that the deal was, if she kept her grades high she could stay in the mixed school, any drop in grades would mean a change back to the all girls school.
She is now in fifth year and has really blossomed and seems much happier that she is amongst her friends and kept her side of the deal by keeping her grades up.
I think at that age it is definitely worth sitting down and having an open conversation about what he wants.

beertons

I was sent to a private secondary school, none of my friends went there. I hated it. I lost all my friends. I talk to no one now from the private school. Try get him in where his friends are. It will always bother him.

cbyrd

I know your struggle, but you're at a stage where he's moving from you making all his decisions to, now, the bigger ones need his input.
Sit down and talk with him. Ask him why he wants to change. Both of you make a pros and cons list and compare and discuss. If he is getting to help in the decisions about his future and understand why you chose this particular school it will give him a different point of view. It will also help you understand why he wants to change, genuine dislike of the school or just missing friends.
First year is difficult no matter what school you attend, having familiar faces will help but it takes time to adjust.

Give him a timeframe, say til January/Easter, have a meeting with the current principal and your son and discuss your worries. Set a meeting with the other school principal and your son and get the ball rolling. If he's deeply unhappy he needs to know you've got his back, that you will listen and you will act. This might be all he needs. But if not then the stage is set for a transfer.
He's growing up, he needs to have an input in big decisions. It's so hard to move onto that stage as a parent but your relationship will be all the better for it.
Best of luck with everything.

ahappychappy

I am coming up to the stage of my son heading off to secondary school. He will have a big say in where he goes, as did I as did my mother.

I understand the reasoning behind your decision but my thinking and qualifying criteria would be that I would hate to remove him from all of his friends from school. I reasonably know they all wont go on to the same school - we don't have a feeder as such. I feel them having a few friendly faces a say in the decision will bring buy in.

I understand why parents feel its their job to choose but in my mind they have to go there and luckily where I am most the schools are on par with wide subject choice and good exit results.

Changing him isn't the end of the world to you but it might just be the beginning of his world if he feels he is heard - I don't doubt you here him but young guys need to see action. You could always look at top up or Private for the leaving cert cycle if he has a specific high points goal.

Best of luck, tough gig this parenting.

GIBlues

It makes for less of a lonely journey reading all the posts – grateful for all the replies… thank you again…. Yes, did talk to my son, he is 110% sure he would be so much happier in the local school… Every little detail now that he shares reveals to me how he must feel: yesterday, for example, he chose to go to the library rather than playing football with the other boys during the school break, he also complained about the stomach ache the other day which I think might have been psychosomatic in nature…. I must keep it positive for him as don’t know whether and how the local school responds, but I was happy to see him happier when he realized we started talking possible transfer….

Moonbeam

I would let him do they year and make a choice at the end of it.
I went to a secondary school that was no where near my 1st choice and lasted until JC.
I would not let friends influence his decision but the schools and why he likes/does not like them.

Marz66

Is he still friends with his primary school friends now, do they still meet up? Would he be in the same classes as them in the public school or would they be streamed off into honours, pass, higher pass etc? Someone mentioned that friends come and go in secondary school as different groups are formed so is it likely that he will stay friends with his primary school buddies? They will have made new friends now and he will have to get to know them too. Is there a possibility of jeering the boy joining from private school? Not saying this to put you off but to discuss with your son so he knows what could happen. I agree it does sound like it is the school rather than the friends which is the issue.

Sunny Dayz

Hi OP, I was in a slightly similar position as you - my son has just started secondary school this year and he was the only one from his primary school to start in this school. But the thing is that he was happy to go to this school. We moved a couple of years ago from the town where he went to primary school to one about 15 mins drive away. We kept him in his old primary school as it worked out with my husbands work and near his childminder. But we started planting the seeds of secondary school in this town at the start on 5th class so he had plenty of time to get used to the idea. It was really helped that his secondary school has a very good induction program for first years, they had him in the school a few times earlier this year for various things, their open day was very good and by the time he started in Sept he had already known a few faces from that and also knew a few local kids. Since then he's gotten involved in mini-companies, the school quiz team, and taken up an instrument. He's still in contact with some of his old school friends.


Has his new school got an induction program? What did your son think of the school before starting, I presume they had a an open day at least to view it. I know you picked the school for it's academic success but is your son academic himself? A lot of growing takes place in secondary school years, not just physically obviously but there's a lot of social and emotional growing to do, will this school help shape him into an adult as well as getting him a good place in college?