Tips for coping with first Christmas

doireann08

Hi

Just wondering has anyone got any tips for coping with the first Christmas after the passing of a loved one? This will be my first Christmas without my Dad. My siblings will be spending the day with their own families so it will probably be just Mam and I for the day

Its difficult to plan anything as my mother gets very stressed about the food etc. Despite everyone offering to cook, she won't take anyone up on their help and then complains that she gets no help.
My sister was originally going to come for Xmas with her family but she's finding it difficult to plan anything with Mam, so has decided to celebrate the day with her own family

I have no idea what to do and its stressing me out. It was the same story for Dads months mind, Mam insisted that she wanted to cook, accepted no help, and the day was so stressful. I just can't deal with a repeat scenario

ChewChew

Hi op, sorry to hear about your loss. This is a tough one as lots of people just want the day over as soon as it starts and some want to embrace it.

Is there anything your dad liked to do on Christmas Day that you could continue?

My dad adored Christmas and thankfully that spilled over for us after he passed. We’ve kept his spirit alive as best we can and as the years go by it does become more about his memory than him not actually being there so it’s always a big deal in our families.

When my dad passed it was also just me and my mum and on Christmas morning we visited my sister and her family and had breakfast and gift exchanging there. Would your mam be up for that even ?

Is there any way your siblings would be around on Christmas Eve or even Christmas morning to pop by and help with food prep?? Or just to keep you company too...

Could you take charge and tell her what you’re doing?

I can only imagine how difficult it’s going to be for your mam though. The loss of a husband I’d imagine is very different to the loss of a father so I’d try and just go with her and make suggestions along the way.

You need to get the support of your siblings too, for yourself. If they’re going to be in their own homes with their families, you will need comfort too. Explain that to them and if you felt you could, explain it to your mum too. Maybe they need you to help bring it together s little tighter?

Good luck op! It’s a hard one on so many levels x

9or10

Sorry for your loss OP. Christmas is a difficult time.

We went through similar last year following the death of my mother in law. She was a lovely, lovely woman.

TBH I was dreading Christmas not least because my wife was like a bear. Things are better now and you come to realise that people deal with their grief in different ways.

As it was, Christmas was OK, which was all I'd hoped for.

Wish you well OP

exaisle

Sincere condolences on your loss. We had a similar situation.

Chewchew's advice above is spot on.....in as much as possible, try to keep your mum busy. If it's possible for you to visit any of your siblings, do that....and make a point of seeing all of them around Christmas. Kids tend to be a great distraction too...so if there are grandchildren, they'll keep your mum busy (and distracted).

A surprise visit by friends or neighbours always helps too.

Hope all goes well for you..

doireann08

exaisle wrote: »

Sincere condolences on your loss. We had a similar situation.

Chewchew's advice above is spot on.....in as much as possible, try to keep your mum busy. If it's possible for you to visit any of your siblings, do that....and make a point of seeing all of them around Christmas. Kids tend to be a great distraction too...so if there are grandchildren, they'll keep your mum busy (and distracted).

A surprise visit by friends or neighbours always helps too.

Hope all goes well for you..

Thank you for all your lovely suggestions. Two of my siblings live abroad, so there is 1 sister who lives about 2 hours away from the family home.

I would happily drive and arrange visits, but my mother is blocking me at every turn. She does procastinate a lot, and doesn't realise that we do need to have some sort of plan. Im getting increasingly angry and frustrated as I feel Mam isn't considering me at all. I understand that losing a husband is very different to losing a father, but I am at breaking point to be honest. I was at home caring for my Dad with Mam and I am completely burnt out. My siblings tried the best they could but don't get it that I need support from them. The sister hasn't seen much of Mam since Dad passed, but her and Mam have a difficult relationship and I don't want to get involved in that

The months mind was so upsetting, completely ruined because Mam got so stressed over the food and I was running around like a mad one on the day and didn't get to talk to anyone. All of this could have been avoided if she had accepted help, got people to make food. She complained that no one helped, b ut when I pointed out that several people offered to bring food but she refused. She then said that she didn't remember anyone offering to help. We offered to get catering, but she refused

I guess I am so fed up of being held hostage by her indecision. My sister feels the same and she does not want to subject her kids,family to this.
Mam can't/wont make decisions, yet won't allow us to make decisions either.

I suggested inviting uncles,aunts etc over, but she can't decide. I have pointed out that they need some sort of notice otherwise they will have made other plans.

I can't take it anymore. If I invite anyone to the family home for Xmas day she will fly into a rage. Im so sick of it

exaisle

doireann08 wrote: »

Thank you for all your lovely suggestions. Two of my siblings live abroad, so there is 1 sister who lives about 2 hours away from the family home.

I would happily drive and arrange visits, but my mother is blocking me at every turn. She does procastinate a lot, and doesn't realise that we do need to have some sort of plan. Im getting increasingly angry and frustrated as I feel Mam isn't considering me at all.

The months mind was so upsetting, completely ruined because Mam got so stressed over the food and I was running around like a mad one on the day and didn't get to talk to anyone. All of this cold have been avoided if she had accepted help, got people to make food. She complained that no one helped, b ut when I pointed out that several people offered to bring food but she refused. She then said that she didn't remember anyone offering to help. We offered to get catering, but she refused

I guess I am so fed up of being held hostage by her indecision. My sister feels the same and she does not want to subject her kids,family to this.
Mam can't/wont make decisions, yet won't allow us to make decisions either.

I suggested inviting uncles,aunts etc over, but she can't decide. I have pointed out that they need some sort of notice otherwise they will have made other plans.

I can't take it anymore. If I invite anyone to the family home for Xmas day she will fly into a rage. Im so sick of it

I think you have to find a balance between taking the lead yourself, and trying to not upset your mum.

I'd be inclined not to ask uncles/aunts/neighbours/friends etc over "formally" or for the day, but perhaps ask them to drop in "unexpectedly"....just for a few minutes, as it were...if they can pop in for even half an hour...(perhaps explain the situation to them) so that over the course of the day you have a constant stream of people coming and going..it might distract her enough to divert her annoyance from you....

LynnGrace

My sincere condolences to you on your loss.

This is very difficult for you. You are grieving your dad, burnt out, and trying to help your mother who is also grieving. Christmas can be so awful, after the loss of a loved one. There is so much focus on happy clappy cheery family scenes, when the reality is the complete opposite for many people.

Is there anyone at all that you can talk to? Maybe a relative, aunt/ cousin, friend, someone that you can confide in. I think it would help to be able to talk to someone about how you feel. I know too that some people find bereavement counselling very helpful. That might be an option to consider. Or your own GP?

In relation to Christmas, I can only suggest that as it sounds like it will be just the two of you, to say, look mam, let's keep it fairly simple, it doesn't have to be a big turkey feast with all the trimmings.

It might help to visit your dad's grave on the day, I don't know, but it might.

It's very very hard because you are trying to deal with everything, and keep your mam going, as well as trying to deal with your own loss.
As pp suggested, maybe it would help for people to call in casually, over the few days.

All the best, OP, and take care of yourself.