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Regret having children? Is there anything good about having children?

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  • 14-11-2017 6:42am
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 10 The Planters Daughter


    Apologies in advance for this long winded post! But I am desperate for some advice and feedback on this subject – I have been researching it for months!
    My husband and I have been married for five years - Together for ten - We have a great life and we really are best friends (Mushy I know) We go on two or three holidays a year, we love going out for meals, wine bars, concerts and just enjoy the freedom that we have.

    I am yet to hear that maternal scream from my ovaries begging me produce an off-spring the way most other women seem to, in fact the two of us have always been adamant that children are not on the cards for us in life. But because I am almost 32 and that biological clock of mine is quietly ticking away I have started to force myself to consider the positives of becoming a Mother to reduce the chance of having any regrets in older life. I am very close to my own Mother and this is one of the main things that sways me in the direction of Motherhood, I want that bond with my own daughter (But oh God what if I have a son!!!)

    I also love the idea of having a little part of my husband and I combined together, to see what a beautiful little human we could make (But oh God what if we have an ugly one!!) to pass on our stories to them, to tell them about our own childhoods, our travels, their grandparents and to hand down clothing, jewellery our favourite books. We are both at times quite childish, love children’s movies, love Christmas….all those amazing fun things that having a child (I believe) makes even more fun? When I thought about this beautiful fairy-tale image of raising children I almost had myself convinced I could throw away the condoms….until…

    Never one for believing my own mind, I have a bit of an addiction to “Googling” every question that pops into my head, and so I have spent the past months non-stop googling forums and Facebook pages about the pros and cons of being a parent, and what I have found is quite disturbing, from Redditt, mumsnet, and Men’s health to that famous Facebook page called “I regret having children” all I can seem to find is horror stories about how much having Children destroys everything good in a person’s life. From Mothers who say their bodies are destroyed and their lives turned upside down in the worst way possible, to Fathers who resent their children for stealing the wives attention away and who wished they had never had kids in the first place. Even the parents who say they don’t regret their decision to reproduce moaned on about how mundane their lives were and how they never realised it would be as hard as it is. The most common complaint I came across was that the joy really didn’t outweigh the negatives and that marriages can really be strained under all the pressure, and never quite the same. (I really don’t want to ruin what we already have)

    So Basically I want to hear from the parents – Is it really all that bad?? Do you regret it?? Does having a little human of your own not make it all worthwhile – And what about Christmas – Surely having a little Santa believer running around the house at Christmas time is enough to make up for having zero sleep the rest of the year? In saying that my husband has just run a bubble bath, and we are about to open a bottle of wine – On a school night – Do I really need a cute little human ruining our peace on nights like this? 


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Comments

  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 22,385 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    Not sure what you have been reading or what your sources are but you seem to just be reading the negatives. Personally I cannot imagine life without my 2 little ones. They bring so much happiness to our lives. The negatives are far outweighed by positives.


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,820 ✭✭✭✭Dtp1979


    I thought I was reading a thread title from after hours for a minute. There are no negitaves, just changes.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,572 ✭✭✭✭AndyBoBandy


    Is it tough? Yes.

    Is our 3 year old son mental? Yes.

    Are lie ins a thing if the distant past? Yes.

    Do they become the centre of your life? Yes.


    But is it all worth it? Absolutely.

    The joy, the smiles, the feeling when you have those moments of uncontrollable laughter with your child,

    It’s difficult and there are always the moments when you wish you could just flick a switch and revert back to ‘normal’

    But life would be a very hollow place if we didn’t have him.

    You can have careers, cars, houses etc... but you’re not complete until you have a child, and only then will you truly know the meaning of life.


  • Registered Users Posts: 429 ✭✭LushiousLips


    What kind of sh*te are u finding on Facebook and forums. I've never seen anything like that. What kind of a person regrets having their kids. Sure, it's hard at times but there is no comparison between the pros and cons. The joy ur kids bring u is a feeling you'll never have experienced before and you'll feel love in your heart that you've never felt before.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,572 ✭✭✭✭AndyBoBandy


    Also, your child will never be ugly. Your child (just like mine) will be the most beautiful child the World has ever seen. Fact.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 26,511 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    What can I say? It's the most expensive, exhausting, draining, never-ending commitment you can possibly make.

    On the other hand, when you have a child you will realise that it's what you were put on earth to do. It's the whole point of your existence.

    I'm not telling you that you should have a child; that's for you and your husband to decide. But, if you do, though it will test you in ways that you cannot possibly imagine, you will not regret it.


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 22,385 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    It’s difficult and there are always the moments when you wish you could just flick a switch and revert back to ‘normal.

    3.5 years in and I can honestly say I never had 1 of those moments.


  • Registered Users Posts: 33,657 ✭✭✭✭NIMAN


    I think you change as a person the moment you bring a child into the world.

    I used to love socialising, holidays, free time, doing nothing, TV etc etc etc.

    Your life is taken over by them. Its no longer about you, and all about them. To many people without children this might sound like the worst thing ever, but thats the way it goes. You tend to accept it, although in a small number of cases parents still want to go out on the lash and let the kids raise themselves in front of a screen.

    Don't get me wrong, it can be incredibly hard. I had awful sleep for 6 years. I am grumpier than I used to be. But I wouldn't change it for a minute.

    I wouldn't be a helicopter parent by any stretch of the imagination, but now when I have time to myself, I find myself empty and clueless about what to do with it. Your life with your own time is a strange concept, it so rarely happens.


  • Registered Users Posts: 146 ✭✭SwissToni


    Looks like you’ve got one of the hardest things out of the way already, your up a 5.30 in the morning!


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,292 ✭✭✭munster87


    I know you say differently but to me it sounds like your ovaries have started to scream!


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  • Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 24,972 Mod ✭✭✭✭CramCycle


    There is no ups or downs. Don't feel pressurised into having children, it won't fufil you. This said if you have them, you will never regret it but if you never have them, that should only be a fleeting thought unless you really wanted them, which you don't seem to.
    It will change you in ways you can't imagine but if you don't go down that route, it's just different, neither are bad options if you are happy.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,634 ✭✭✭CalamariFritti


    Not going to be the right forum for impartial opinions. You don’t go to the dirt bike enthusiasts forum and ask why is riding dirt bikes sh1t.

    I don’t have children myself and never will have and I have never regretted not having any. It was just choice.
    But I imagine if I did I would dearly love them and never regret having them either. Because they’re humans and they’re your humans. They’re not like a car you regret buying. Obviously.

    You just have to make up your mind go with it and never look back. Either way.
    And you probably need to err on the side of caution. Since they are your little humans and they will need all your love and dedication.


  • Registered Users Posts: 546 ✭✭✭fleet


    You're not going to get a straight answer from either camp.

    The childless don't really know, and those with children don't have a choice anymore so cognitive dissonance takes over.

    Utimately humans have to reproduce or society is screwed, so I'm glad many make that choice.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    Sorry to break the love-in. But I do know people who regretted it.

    I know a woman whose husband left them as he decided child rearing wasn’t for him after a few months. She was way out of her depth and took it out on the boy emotionally. Their son grew up angry and resentful and then spent his teenage years in and out of psychiatric hospitals and attempting suicide. She hasn’t soon him in years and told me several times she regrets having him. It certainly does happen.

    Personally, I think you need to go in with your eyes wide open and two committed people. You are not in your twenties anymore... can you also keep up with a 5 year old learning to cycle?

    On the positive side, you can raise your children to participate in all that stuff too. I bring my two to restaurants during the day and they love it! Babies are a bit impatient, so one course only, but by age 3 they are better with the chats and food. My buddies bring their brood to electric picnic. We have a strong supportive group of friends and family for babysitting, so we still go out for meals and enjoy wine. There are plenty of vineyards with family camping on site.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,307 ✭✭✭weiland79


    Regrets? Never a single one. Joy and happiness? All the time.

    Now if I could only figure out a way to get the 2 year old out of our bed every night cause there's no room.

    But while she's here I'm just going to lie here and kiss her little cheek until I have to get up, cause she won't be there for ever.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,750 ✭✭✭Avatar MIA


    Generation Juvenile?

    If not sure, don't do it. While if it did happen it could be the best thing in the world, some people don't make good parents. You may be great, but if you're only doing it because you MAY regret in the future you can always adopt.


  • Registered Users Posts: 299 ✭✭SSr0


    but you’re not complete until you have a child, and only then will you truly know the meaning of life.

    What an ignorant/smug comment.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,845 ✭✭✭DeanAustin


    Logically, there’s barely a good reason I can come up with to have kids. It’s bloody hard work, disrupts your whole life and we effectively have a second mortgage with childcare costs.

    Emotionally, I can’t imagine life without my two. I would do anything for them and it hurts me to think of anything bad ever happening to them (even just falling over or getting in a fight - all the things kids do).

    But think carefully about it. There is social pressure on people to have kids and it’s not fair or right. It really isn’t for everyone and that doesn’t reflect badly on those people at all.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,519 ✭✭✭GalwayGrrrrrl


    Avatar MIA wrote: »
    Generation Juvenile?

    If not sure, don't do it. While if it did happen it could be the best thing in the world, some people don't make good parents. You may be great, but if you're only doing it because you MAY regret in the future you can always adopt.

    No, you cannot always adopt. It takes years and years, a huge amount of money and OP may already be too old to start the process.

    I don't regret having my kids. Had them in early 30s and feel that was a good time. I'd had some lovely holidays, lots of wild nights out and was settled in my career. Now I'm enjoying two pre-teens who make me laugh every day and inspire me with their energy and intelligence.

    My friend was child free by choice for first 10 years of her marriage. She has recently become pregnant by choice at age 43. Her sisters have kids and she didn't want to miss out on the experience.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,181 ✭✭✭Crimson King


    The only thing of meaning I have done in my life is having my daughter. Take from that what you will.

    Was trying to leave the house this morning without waking my wife and daughter as I leave at 5.30 am. At the front door I hear 'Daddy, you didn't give me a hug!'

    That made my day. Hell, it made my week.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 15,270 ✭✭✭✭Fr Tod Umptious


    People without kids and people with kids keep feeling sorry for each other.


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,014 ✭✭✭✭Tom Mann Centuria


    Most things are good about having kids, mine are well passed the toddler stage now. They are great, and how they are turning out fills me with happiness and pride, but there are down sides.

    The stress in my life from the minute they were born jumped up 1000%. When they're unwell it's the worst feeling, you take every knock they take personally, every time they're upset it hurts. When your parent dies, the pain is double as you watch your children mourn their grandparent.

    Financially they're a massive burden, free education costs thousands upon thousands, clothes cost hundreds every year because the blighters insist on growing. First they'll eat nothing, then when they're older they think their personal mission is to empty all food from a fridge or cupboard and eat anything not nailed down (apart from fruit)

    I never got much out of the newborn stage with my kids, puking crying and pooing but everything changes when you get the first bit of character showing up, when they actually smile and not just vurp.

    Then as they grow they go from the unquestioning belief their parents know everything, to the teenager unquestioning belief their parents know fupp all, it's all good stuff.

    Adoption isn't a quick fix (as my sisters struggle would attest) and some people don't want children and I certainly wouldn't recommend having them because it's societal norm.

    Have a chat with your other half OP, there's no right or wrong answer.

    Oh well, give me an easy life and a peaceful death.



  • Registered Users Posts: 273 ✭✭noble00


    Hi I know having kids can be scary , but I can honestly say not for a sec do I ever regret having my two even when they are driving me mad , I don't know if I have ever met anyone that has regret having children


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,248 ✭✭✭✭BoJack Horseman


    Do I really need a cute little human ruining our peace on nights like this? 

    Seems you've already made your mind up.
    Stick with your booze and baths.

    Having a family requires first and foremost even the slightest ability to set aside instant gratification.

    It would be far worse to have a child you clearly don't want.

    So don't.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 149 ✭✭GDK_11


    SSr0 wrote: »
    What an ignorant/smug comment.

    agree with this, it's just not for some people. My partner and myself don't, we may in the future but it's not a guarantee we will head in that direction.

    Will a child enhance our lives? Maybe, but it certainly will not 'complete us'.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,738 ✭✭✭SteM


    ...In saying that my husband has just run a bubble bath, and we are about to open a bottle of wine – On a school night....


    You posted this at 5:42am, I'm guessing you're not in Ireland. If you are in Ireland and opening bottles of wine at this hour of the morning then you have bigger issues than wondering whether to have kids :p


  • Registered Users Posts: 870 ✭✭✭barney shamrock


    First 10 years are tough. After that it gets easier.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,588 ✭✭✭✭_Brian


    We’ve two kids, eldest is 15 doing her junior cert.
    CAnt think of one negative experience
    In the whole time. Challenging maybe but nothing negative.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,094 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    pwurple wrote: »
    Sorry to break the love-in. But I do know people who regretted it.

    I know a woman whose husband left them as he decided child rearing wasn’t for him after a few months. She was way out of her depth and took it out on the boy emotionally. Their son grew up angry and resentful and then spent his teenage years in and out of psychiatric hospitals and attempting suicide. She hasn’t soon him in years and told me several times she regrets having him. It certainly does happen.

    Personally, I think you need to go in with your eyes wide open and two committed people. You are not in your twenties anymore... can you also keep up with a 5 year old learning to cycle?

    On the positive side, you can raise your children to participate in all that stuff too. I bring my two to restaurants during the day and they love it! Babies are a bit impatient, so one course only, but by age 3 they are better with the chats and food. My buddies bring their brood to electric picnic. We have a strong supportive group of friends and family for babysitting, so we still go out for meals and enjoy wine. There are plenty of vineyards with family camping on site.

    That's a fairly extreme example.

    I'm sure there are people who regret it, maybe in previous generations where children were more an expectation than a choice. I don't know anyone my own age who has regretted it.

    My kids aren't restaurant material. Some kids aren't. Mine prefer to be outside 24/7 with a football. So just be aware op that not all kids will conform to adult life and that's ok. As long as you are aware that sometimes you might have to get mucky too!!

    I wouldn't give mine back. I don't mind the odd weekend away to feel normal again...well the old normal...theres a new normal now. It doesn't present itself as regret though.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,209 ✭✭✭shamrock55


    No words on an internet forum can explain what it's like to have your own children,would I recommend them,most certainly


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