Regret having children? Is there anything good about having children?

ct5amr2ig1nfhp

The items you listed don't just suddenly end, except for the sex part and only for a while at least.

You'll adapt and change to suit your situation. That is all.

I will give you Peppa Pig (in English). The fupping accent would drive you nuts. Switch them to watching it in Irish, French, Spanish etc. The French version has a live channel on youtube. We try and get the kids to only watch tv shows in another language.

It is tough work but we've found the key is to relax and go with it.

khaldrogo wrote: »

Negatives -

No money
No sleep
No social life
No sex life
No spur of the moment holidays
Peppa Pig
You might have a boy

Positives -

Overwhelming love for the child
Watching them grow and develop their own little personalities.
Someone to look after you when you're old.

Baggly

Junior Shaggy Salesperson wrote: »

The items you listed don't just suddenly end, except for the sex part and only for a while at least.

You'll adapt and change to suit your situation. That is all.

I will give you Peppa Pig (in English). The fupping accent would drive you nuts. Switch them to watching it in Irish, French, Spanish etc. The French version has a live channel on youtube. We try and get the kids to only watch tv shows in another language.

It is tough work but we've found the key is to relax and go with it.

I invent subtext and plots for Peppa that arent really there.

So Daddy Pig and Ms Rabbit are having an affair.

And Grampy Rabbit is in exile from his family for some horrible crime yet to be revealed.

And George is secretly the evil genius behind it all.

Parenthood. Ta Da!

Tombo2001

Another thing thats worth noting.

Despite all the whingeing about how hard it is - the very best times you have with your kids is when they are young.

And most of the people commenting here are coming at it from the angle of having young children.

Quite a different matter when you 73, old, tired, the three kids are all gone - one in Dublin, one in Berlin, one in Sydney. Phone call once/ twice a week. Dont see the grandkids except on Skype the odd time...... I've seen a lot of people in this situation.

looksee

Tombo2001 wrote: »

.

Quite a different matter when you 73, old, tired, the three kids are all gone - one in Dublin, one in Berlin, one in Sydney. Phone call once/ twice a week. Dont see the grandkids except on Skype the odd time...... I've seen a lot of people in this situation.

Heavens, I have two years to go before I suddenly find all that gloom and despondency looming over me. I am currently entertaining myself by plotting starting a business.

lukesmom

Lost out on a lot of partying when I got pregnant at 21. No regrets. Two more children came along and I wouldn't change it for the world. I was never very maternal but that all changed when I saw my babies. I've never personally known anybody to regret having a baby.

And is there anything good about having children? - It's all good. Every last second of it. It goes by too quickly.

waterfaerie

I agree with everything others have said about children being the most amazing thing to happen to them. As parents, we know the joy far outweighs the difficulty but I don't think we should be trying to convince the OP to have children.

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

I am yet to hear that maternal scream from my ovaries begging me produce an off-spring the way most other women seem to

I know you don't have children yet and therefore don't feel any love for a potential unborn child but it seems very cold to refer to them so clinically.

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

I have started to force myself to consider the positives of becoming a Mother to reduce the chance of having any regrets in older life.

Is the chance of regret the only reason? If you have to "force" yourself to see it positively, it sounds like it's not for you or, more to the point, not best for your potential child. There is really no shame in being one of the many people who don't have children.

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

I am very close to my own Mother and this is one of the main things that sways me in the direction of Motherhood, I want that bond with my own daughter (But oh God what if I have a son!!!)

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

I also love the idea of having a little part of my husband and I combined together, to see what a beautiful little human we could make (But oh God what if we have an ugly one!!)

I assume these are jokes but the fact that they are part of your decision making process is worrying. It sounds like you want a perfect little daughter to fulfil something for yourself.

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

to pass on our stories to them, to tell them about our own childhoods, our travels, their grandparents and to hand down clothing, jewellery our favourite books.

Again, very self centred ideas about reasons to have a child.

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

And what about Christmas – Surely having a little Santa believer running around the house at Christmas time is enough to make up for having zero sleep the rest of the year?

I can't believe I'm comparing a child to a pet but that just reminds me so much of the well known phrase about a dog being for life, not just for Christmas. Is Christmas not fun enough for you anymore?

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

In saying that my husband has just run a bubble bath, and we are about to open a bottle of wine – On a school night – Do I really need a cute little human ruining our peace on nights like this? 

No you don't. Does another little human being need parents who aren't both 100% selfless and committed to them?

I know it seems like I'm being harsh, and I probably am, but I don't mean it in a bad way. As I said, I don't see any shame in not having children. There are just too many things that make me think you need to put it off, at least for the moment.

I know there are many parents who become parents unexpectedly or even unwantedly and that many of them turn out to be wonderful parents in the end. However, there are many more who don't. Think about it from the child's point of view. I'm not saying you won't be a wonderful parent OP, as I don't know you at all, but being a bit more committed to giving a child the selflessness he or she needs and deserves would be a better start.

Plenty of people have children closer to 40. My advice would be to wait. You might feel more of a genuine urge later on, or you might not. If you never get the feeling of wanting a child for the sake of nurturing another little human and giving it all it needs, as opposed to wanting them for selfish reasons or reasons related to societal pressure, then please don't have them.

OP I'm not sure if having children is a decision which should be informed by other peoples opinions and google. Listen to yourself and trust what you hear. Can you feel it in your gut? A kind ok "knowing"? Or is it more like you said? Having a child now because you may regret it later might not be the best reason.

Children are individuals. They are born. We love and nurture them The best way we can. But they are not a commodity. Not one person is "entitled" to a child and not every body is cut out to be a parent.

I don't have children so can't give you any insight in to what the experience is like but you know even if I was a mother I still wouldn't tell you. That's because it would be wholly personal to me and you need to make your own decision on this.

waterfaerie

khaldrogo wrote: »

Positives -

Overwhelming love for the child
Watching them grow and develop their own little personalities.
Someone to look after you when you're old.

I can see you've mentioned overwhelming love and watching them grow and develop so I assume you mean the part in bold as an aside, or added bonus. It would be the height of selfishness to consider it as a deciding factor.

pwurple

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

3 months?

Never in my life have I had to give 3 months notice for holidays and I've never heard of anyone else having to either until now.

I’ve been in jobs where the holidays were confined to shutdown periods, jobs where 15 weeks notice was required, or been self-employed, so basically no holidays at all. Perfectly normal in my experience.

Rubberchikken

I don't judge those who choose not to have children. It's completely their own business.

As someone with two, all grown, I wouldn't change a thing. It was the right decision and the best one.
Not always easy, and each stage has it's own challenges but now there are two fine kind smart funny adults that make me very proud to be related to them.

I wouldn't go back to the baby toddler stage. Not a big fan of sleepless nights, crying? teething, infections, whatever is thrown at you but it's not always that and things improve and change.

catrionanic

My husband was begging to have kids for years, but I kept putting it off because I loved my life too much. Spending time with my friends whenever I wanted, bars and clubs, holidays, shopping, and plenty of time for all my other hobbies. When we started trying, I secretly was hoping that it would take us a few months to conceive, but it happened straight away.

All through pregnancy, I really felt that I was missing out. My friends were out partying until all hours, going on great holidays, and doing whatever they wanted. I sat at home feeling sick and in pain and I was miserable.

My son arrived in January, and I can honestly say that I’ve never felt happiness like this. He is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and the strength and depth of the love that I feel for him is overwhelming. I honestly couldn’t care less what my friends are doing on their Saturday nights. I don’t give a toss about not going on a sun holiday this year. Money is tight but the last thing on my mind these days is new winter boots or having my nails done.

I feel like the life that I led before I became a mother was.... kind of shallow? Like it lacked depth and lacked meaning. I didn’t realise this at the time. I had 29 years where I only had to live for myself and put myself first, and it was awesome.... but the experiences I’ve had in the last 9 months have been so much more wonderful and amazing than the 29 years put together!

My advice would be to do it. You won’t regret it.

eviltwin

Looking after young kids can be tough and thankless at times but they don't stay young forever. My eldest is 20 and I can honestly say she's one of my favourite people to be around. We have a great friendship now that I no longer have to parent her the way I used to. All the bad stuff was worth it.

I have a younger child too and life is far from over. I still go out and have nights out and all that other stuff, not to the same level before kids but there aren't many people my age out most nights anyway.

Alf Veedersane

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Another thing thats worth noting.

Despite all the whingeing about how hard it is - the very best times you have with your kids is when they are young.

And most of the people commenting here are coming at it from the angle of having young children.

Quite a different matter when you 73, old, tired, the three kids are all gone - one in Dublin, one in Berlin, one in Sydney. Phone call once/ twice a week. Dont see the grandkids except on Skype the odd time...... I've seen a lot of people in this situation.

Not sure what your point is here?

The benefit to kids when they're young doesn't hold true when they're older and no longer there. As opposed to when youre 73 and there never were kids there?

CelticRambler

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

CramCycle wrote: »

Depends on the job and predictability, for the long holidays, depending on the time of year, anywhere between 1 week and 3 months for me. Certain jobs mean others rely on you to get their work done so longer notice makes life more plannable for certain projects.

That's a bit different though to having to clear it with HR with a minimum of 3 months.

Certainly there are times I can't go on hols because I have work on or a deadline coming up but it's not an arbitrary 3 month rule.

Not an arbitrary rule, but simply a fact of working life. I was in a place earlier this year where the full-timers had to give about six months notice if they wanted more than a two days off.

My point was that the role of a child/children in messing up any spontaneity or carefully laid plans is quite likely to be minimal compared to things like ungrateful employers, banking crises, bus strikes, hurricanes, voters for the other party, and who knows how many other things that are outside of your control.

Besides, it's dead easy to take children on holidays. You just say "we're going away for the weekend" and tell them to get in the car/take them to the airport. By the time you've done it a few times, they'll have their bag packed and be ready to go before you've turned off the immersion!

fg1406

I’m 36, married and childfree by choice. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis a few years ago and the gynae wanted me to have it lasered off to increase my chances of conception and I recoiled at the thought. No way. I love my life of holidays, freedom to go away at a moments notice, lie ins etc. We both have nieces and nephews that live nearby that we spoil rotten. We have our fur baby’s that we cherish too. Our lives are none the emptier for not procreating. I know that it’s rare you find a parent who regrets having kids but dammit, so many of my parented friends are bloody miserable and stressed out by their lives. I know it’s not all snot, vomit, nappies and sleepless nights but it’s not a trade I’m willing to make in order that I make another human.

eviltwin

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Another thing thats worth noting.

Despite all the whingeing about how hard it is - the very best times you have with your kids is when they are young.

And most of the people commenting here are coming at it from the angle of having young children.

Quite a different matter when you 73, old, tired, the three kids are all gone - one in Dublin, one in Berlin, one in Sydney. Phone call once/ twice a week. Dont see the grandkids except on Skype the odd time...... I've seen a lot of people in this situation.

My eldest recently moved abroad, to Japan of all places so regular visits are out of the question. I won't see her until July. It was horrible at first, the first week we cried all the time then I sorted myself out and made the most of it. Actually really enjoying the space.

Baggly

CelticRambler wrote:

Besides, it's dead easy to take children on holidays. You just say "we're going away for the weekend" and tell them to get in the car/take them to the airport. By the time you've done it a few times, they'll have their bag packed and be ready to go before you've turned off the immersion!

Hahahahahaha.

You must have some regimented system in place to have kids trained up thusly. Like the von trapp family responding to whistle commands.

CelticRambler

Pter wrote: »

Hahahahahaha.

You must have some regimented system in place to have kids trained up thusly. Like the von trapp family responding to whistle commands.

Nope, I'm of the Maria type: gather everyone around and say "Right, we've got twelve hours of daylight left, what'll we do with it?" :cool:

Maybe it was partly to do with the fact that we organised ourselves so that MrsCR (stay-at-home mother) had a day off every Wednesday and Saturday, and the children got used to the idea that Mam did things her way and Dad did things his way and it didn't matter which way things were done because the children would have a good time either way, and MrsCR knew that they'd be fed and in bed (probably) by the time she got home.

But I've experimented on other people's children too :pac: and they're all the same: talk to them like they're real humans, and they'll cooperate with any reasonable request. :cool:

Marz66

There can be a lot of working together and decisions to be made in parenting, all while sleep deprived. How do you think ye will deal with this together?

Do you think you and your husband will parent the same way? Re breastfeeding v bottlefeeding, having the child sleep in your bed vs who is going to physically get out of bed and put the child back to sleep (countless times), who will get sleep ins, are you both morning people, discipline (strict or not), spoiling them or not with clothes, toys, holidays etc.

Will your husband be hands on or not? Will this bother you? Are you happy to have child in childcare 5 days/week or does one of you want to reduce working hours? Which one. Can you survive on the reduced salary?

There can be lots of scope for arguments if you’re not both on the same page. If baby takes over your life for first few years are you both ok with that?

I often think it is easy for spouses to be there for each other when times are tough for one of them. When times are tough for both of them - sleepless nights/sick child, work in the morning etc it can be more difficult.

ETA: Having kids was the best thing ever to happen me and I didn’t realise just how much I wanted to be a mom until I was one.

pajosjunkbox

I have just had my third child a few weeks ago. 5, 3 and 0. I live in a 2 bed cottage. My kids are demanding. This is madness !!!!!!!

RubyGlee

I’m 33 with a 14yr old! No regrets none love her to pieces and she was the best surprise ever.
BUT if she was an asshole like some of the kids her age I no then maybe I might have regrets.
I do know people who regret there kids but I wonder is it because most choose to live great life’s first and then when they get bored they have kids and realize it’s not all fun and games. Stop doing the things they love and become the mummy/daddy type broke due to mortgage and childcare or bored and isolated as have given up work to focus totally on being a mummy type.
I don’t think parenting is for everyone but a species need to reproduce to survive and it’s a basic natural instinct.
Maybe as I was young and a single parent I didn’t no any better though it’s all relevant

There is nothing to compare to the rush of love you get when you get your first glimpse of that shrivelled up, slimey, ugly sprog in your arms. Love sure is blind.
Nor can anything compete with that small face reaching up to yours for a kiss.
Nor the sight of a grown man crawling along the floor with our creation.
Nor the feeling when a little Angel/Shepherd/Inn Keeper waves at you in the school nativity.
Nor the sight of them heading off to secondary school.
Nor the sight of them bringing home their first love interest.
Nor the sight of them posing in their Graduation photo.

Yes. I've forgotten the cracked nipples, stitches, broken nights, emergency dashes to A & E when they fall off a wall.

There are as many plusses as minuses, but for me, I'd not be without my two for the World. You can have all the holidays you want when they finish their education.

ArnieSilvia

Well,

As a man with teenage kids in my late 30's I can honestly say that I regret it sometimes.

It's a big commitment and in your case, if your partner doesn't really really want it, then you both might regret it - kids will test your partnership.

We are a strong family and we greatly love each other. My friends were watching me and our son one day and said that I'm living every man's dream. Our daughter is the most creative person I know. They both make us really proud. We wanted our kids.

But they also made our lives incredibly more difficult to the point that sometimes it's beyond the limits. And it's been like that since they were born.

First of all, our biggest mistake was that we didn't have a social circle. Parents not up to the job, brothers and sisters scattered around the world, then we had to emigrate when no.1 was born (no money). Nobody to help or just give you a break. Couldn't afford babysitter all that time. Couldn't do career as always tired, on last fuse, stressed out because I was going to work and then second shift at home. No rest. No sleep first 5 years (children are different, mind), no money, no nice things or holidays for years.

My wife kept it all together for years (with my help) but eventually even she burnt out including adult fun.

Things are much better now as kids grew up but then it's different problems, bullying at school and online, 500 euro school trips, whatever.

Career wise it was lost time. Only now I reached the same level as before kids arrived. I'm doing another degree finally. It only started happening over last year. Wife wants to catch up too.

We are stuck here in Ireland and we don't want to. You might feel the same in OZ. Kids limit your choices. You won't be able to move - they have schools, friends etc.

This is from someone who does things the right way, and makes most out of it, wife wasn't working first 6 years, then part time, in a family where everyone is included in all decisions, dinner cooked from scratch daily, nice house done up by myself and wife, kids have all they need but are also expected to respect what is provided for them. In terms of their respect for us it's earned, not granted. You will hear one day "I hate you" among other things so be prepared. They are independent human beings, not the reflection of what you want them to be.

Some people do it differently - crèche long hours, oven chips with chicken nuggets daily. Bring kids to activities that they don't do together. I don't blame it, people have it tough financially but you need to ask why bother having kids if they make your life miserable or if you can't be bothered to have fun together

anais

Apologies, haven't read all the other posts.
Have one, have fun. Have two, for company. But think carefully about finances , space and education. It's emotional having kids but if (like me) you don't have any money, because of the economic crash, it can cause shocking stress and distress. I do without- but my kids have a ball.

kilkennygirl

Dont go down that road of googling other peoples experiences as parents......One size dose not fit all. We are all different and, of course parenthood is not for everyone. Its a learning curve and every day brings something new. life will change but also evolve. Even if you never had children your life will not stand still.
I became a mother at 34 years of age and before that absolutely loved my freedom. Almost 27 years later my two boys ( yes boys) are reared and happy and living their own lives but thankfully we have a great relationship. Im just sorry the years went so quickly. Definitely wouldnt have it any other way. I feel privilaged to have had the opportunity to become a mother.
Whatever your decision have no regrets, live your life to the full, and whatever road you take enjoy!

the purple tin

There definitely are people who regret having children but most people would be afraid to admit it in public. It's a big taboo.
There was a poster on boards who said he used to lock himself in the toilet just to get away from his children for a while.
There was a woman in America who wrote an article about how she regretted having her daughter, she got hate mail and even death threats.

Gazzmonkey

@ OP

The experience of having that baby to hold and look at for the first time is not explainable and you'll only experience it with your own baby, not anyone elses baby.

It's hard sometimes but its more than worth it when they smile back at you and cuddle into you.

I couldn't accept the idea of life without my wee boy now and when I look back at before his existence I cant figure out what the hell I did with all that spare time.

Its a different kind of happiness

Zaph

AndyBoBandy wrote: »

You can have careers, cars, houses etc... but you’re not complete until you have a child, and only then will you truly know the meaning of life.

I wish somebody had told us that when we were going through fertility treatment, but I suppose we'll just have to soldier on with our unfulfilled lives now, won't we? In all my time on Boards this is probably the smuggest, most condescending bullsh*t I've ever come across. :mad:

Rubberchikken

I couldn't agree with post just above for anything.
What rubbish. No one needs a child to be complete. No one needs a child to.learm the meaning of life.
That smug arrogant thoughtless comment has denounced so many people. I think I'm speechless for once.

The Planters Daughter

Zaph wrote: »

AndyBoBandy wrote: »

You can have careers, cars, houses etc... but you’re not complete until you have a child, and only then will you truly know the meaning of life.

I wish somebody had told us that when we were going through fertility treatment, but I suppose we'll just have to soldier on with our unfulfilled lives now, won't we?  In all my time on Boards this is probably the smuggest, most condescending bullsh*t I've ever come across. :mad:

Don't let comments like that bother you - some of the parents seem to be trying to convince themselves more than anything. :ermm: