Regret having children? Is there anything good about having children?

The Planters Daughter

waterfaerie wrote: »

I agree with everything others have said about children being the most amazing thing to happen to them. As parents, we know the joy far outweighs the difficulty but I don't think we should be trying to convince the OP to have children.

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

I am yet to hear that maternal scream from my ovaries begging me produce an off-spring the way most other women seem to

I know you don't have children yet and therefore don't feel any love for a potential unborn child but it seems very cold to refer to them so clinically.

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

I have started to force myself to consider the positives of becoming a Mother to reduce the chance of having any regrets in older life.

Is the chance of regret the only reason? If you have to "force" yourself to see it positively, it sounds like it's not for you or, more to the point, not best for your potential child. There is really no shame in being one of the many people who don't have children.

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

I am very close to my own Mother and this is one of the main things that sways me in the direction of Motherhood, I want that bond with my own daughter (But oh God what if I have a son!!!)

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

I also love the idea of having a little part of my husband and I combined together, to see what a beautiful little human we could make (But oh God what if we have an ugly one!!)

I assume these are jokes but the fact that they are part of your decision making process is worrying. It sounds like you want a perfect little daughter to fulfil something for yourself.

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

to pass on our stories to them, to tell them about our own childhoods, our travels, their grandparents and to hand down clothing, jewellery our favourite books.

Again, very self centred ideas about reasons to have a child.

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

And what about Christmas – Surely having a little Santa believer running around the house at Christmas time is enough to make up for having zero sleep the rest of the year?

I can't believe I'm comparing a child to a pet but that just reminds me so much of the well known phrase about a dog being for life, not just for Christmas. Is Christmas not fun enough for you anymore?

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

In saying that my husband has just run a bubble bath, and we are about to open a bottle of wine – On a school night – Do I really need a cute little human ruining our peace on nights like this? 

No you don't. Does another little human being need parents who aren't both 100% selfless and committed to them?

I know it seems like I'm being harsh, and I probably am, but I don't mean it in a bad way. As I said, I don't see any shame in not having children. There are just too many things that make me think you need to put it off, at least for the moment.

I know there are many parents who become parents unexpectedly or even unwantedly and that many of them turn out to be wonderful parents in the end. However, there are many more who don't. Think about it from the child's point of view. I'm not saying you won't be a wonderful parent OP, as I don't know you at all, but being a bit more committed to giving a child the selflessness he or she needs and deserves would be a better start.

Plenty of people have children closer to 40. My advice would be to wait. You might feel more of a genuine urge later on, or you might not. If you never get the feeling of wanting a child for the sake of nurturing another little human and giving it all it needs, as opposed to wanting them for selfish reasons or reasons related to societal pressure, then please don't have them.

Yes they are obvious jokes - As are many of the other points you highlighted like the screaming ovaries and the little Santa believers - I was trying to make my post lighthearted by adding jokes I am glad you had a good enough sense of humour to be able to recognise them :silly:

waterfaerie

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

Yes they are obvious jokes - As are many of the other points you highlighted like the screaming ovaries and the little Santa believers - I was trying to make my post lighthearted by adding jokes I am glad you had a good enough sense of humour to be able to recognise them :silly:

I was hoping you wouldn't take offence. I meant it as genuine advice and it still stands.

32 is not old, there is no rush and both you and your potential children would be better off if you wait until you are certain. Stop overthinking it and wait and see if you feel it.

pilly

Zaph wrote: »

I wish somebody had told us that when we were going through fertility treatment, but I suppose we'll just have to soldier on with our unfulfilled lives now, won't we? In all my time on Boards this is probably the smuggest, most condescending bullsh*t I've ever come across. :mad:

Couldn't agree more.

People who post that **** have nothing in their lives except kids so think that they're the be all and end all of life. Boils my piss.

I actually think OP asked in the wrong thread for a realistic view of parenthood because it's mostly full-time parents who are posting on here who can be quite obsessive and totally over the top about how only a child "completes your life".

Nothing could be further from the truth, if it was there would be an awful lot of heroes in this world who would be considered "worthless" because they haven't produced offspring.

SwimFin

Women's Responses for Why They Don't Have Kids

siblers

Have a 9 month old, love him and would do anything for him. Put him first etc

But I do have regrets and miss my single life at times. We are incredibly lucky that he is fully healthy but he requires so much attention and it becomes exhausting, I don't mind the fact that sleeping till 7:20am is a lie in for me or changing his nappies is a battle as he won't stop moving but it's just never ending. If I'm not taking care of him, I'm at work, if not at work, I'm doing house work and it's just never ending.

And I find it hard to believe what some people say here about "it's only been joy" or "I never had a single moment like that". They must have complete dream babies or have patience that a saint would be jealous of

The Planters Daughter

siblers wrote: »

Have a 9 month old, love him and would do anything for him. Put him first etc

But I do have regrets and miss my single life at times. We are incredibly lucky that he is fully healthy but he requires so much attention and it becomes exhausting, I don't mind the fact that sleeping till 7:20am is a lie in for me or changing his nappies is a battle as he won't stop moving but it's just never ending. If I'm not taking care of him, I'm at work, if not at work, I'm doing house work and it's just never ending.

And I find it hard to believe what some people say here about "it's only been joy" or "I never had a single moment like that". They must have complete dream babies or have patience that a saint would be jealous of

Thank you for your honesty and the honesty of some of the other posters here too. I doubt that it is easy for anyone but maybe parents with older children forget how hard it was when they were babies and are just enjoying the joy they bring as they get older. I am sure you are a wonderful Mother and doing a fantastic job  :)

Tigger

today the son worked out what he thinks is kissing
so i come in the door after a day dealing with the public
and a two foot tall version of me wants to run at me wacing his arms
and flappng hos mouth going baw haw
hes trying to
kiss me
nothing else cud have cheered my weary soul up as much

siblers

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

Thank you for your honesty and the honesty of some of the other posters here too. I doubt that it is easy for anyone but maybe parents with older children forget how hard it was when they were babies and are just enjoying the joy they bring as they get older. I am sure you are a wonderful Mother and doing a fantastic job  :)

I'm actually the dad but yeah, I guess some people forget how hard it can be at times, I guess I'm still waiting for that moment where he becomes a little less demanding and I can relax for 5 mins when I get in from work. I think when he starts walking that the tide may turn

The Planters Daughter

Oh sorry well I bet your a fantastic Dad instead so A friend of mine has a baby of 18 months and the Dad struggled a lot for the first year. They are both still struggling now but they said it has gotten much easier. Their little girl has her own little personality now and is loads of fun so it makes it easier and the Dad is enjoying her so much now. I am sure it will be the same for you. I imagine it's very hard the complete change of life!

CramCycle

siblers wrote: »

I think when he starts walking that the tide may turn

I have some bad news for you (anecdote time), my experience of walking was about half a day of pride followed by the realisation of, oh f***, he is mobile and can reach things. I found if your not getting that 5 minutes now (when they are awake), you won't get it for another stretch of about a year, when they start to become slightly more informed on their choices of what to touch and eat.

I realise everyone here who is a parent looks back with no regret in general but kids are alot of work, more than most of us could have imagined. While I never regretted my mistakes (none were planned), to say there were no moments of thinking, oh christ, I am not sure how much I can take before I break would be a lie. I haven't met any parent in the real world who has not had moments like that. I know others (in the locality, not friends) who have turned and run, others who have made the choice to pop across the pond as they would not have been able to handle it (and knowing them, they made the right choice).

It is alot of work, you hear the odd stories of wonder kids who sleep from day one, never cause hassle, and that's great, but for every one of them, there are far more who push their parents to the line, at least once if not regularly.

If your planning on having kids, just be ready for an amount of work and strain that you are not prepared for. Loving your child is probably what makes it so much work, and i have friends who seem happy to ignore their kids, wish I could do that.

if you decide to go for it, you won't regret it but you may, somedays, wonder, there is a huge difference, it is not regret, it is humanity. If you don't, then, happy out.

Nobody needs kids, if you don't have them, so what, anyone who gives you this "feeling complete" BS, is not you, has forgotten the work or maybe just didn't have as good a life as you beforehand. What people deem "complete" is widely varied.

Would I be as complete without my kids, of course I would, a different version of complete but still complete and would know no better.

Best advice, don't use the internet for such decisions.

The Planters Daughter

CramCycle wrote: »

siblers wrote: »

I think when he starts walking that the tide may turn

I have some bad news for you (anecdote time), my experience of walking was about half a day of pride followed by the realisation of, oh f***, he is mobile and can reach things. I found if your not getting that 5 minutes now (when they are awake), you won't get it for another stretch of about a year, when they start to become slightly more informed on their choices of what to touch and eat.

I realise everyone here who is a parent looks back with no regret in general but kids are alot of work, more than most of us could have imagined. While I never regretted my mistakes (none were planned), to say there were no moments of thinking, oh christ, I am not sure how much I can take before I break would be a lie. I haven't met any parent in the real world who has not had moments like that. I know others (in the locality, not friends) who have turned and run, others who have made the choice to pop across the pond as they would not have been able to handle it (and knowing them, they made the right choice).

It is alot of work, you hear the odd stories of wonder kids who sleep from day one, never cause hassle, and that's great, but for every one of them, there are far more who push their parents to the line, at least once if not regularly.

If your planning on having kids, just be ready for an amount of work and strain that you are not prepared for. Loving your child is probably what makes it so much work, and i have friends who seem happy to ignore their kids, wish I could do that.

if you decide to go for it, you won't regret it but you may, somedays, wonder, there is a huge difference, it is not regret, it is humanity. If you don't, then, happy out.

Nobody needs kids, if you don't have them, so what, anyone who gives you this "feeling complete" BS, is not you, has forgotten the work or maybe just didn't have as good a life as you beforehand. What people deem "complete" is widely varied.

Would I be as complete without my kids, of course I would, a different version of complete but still complete and would know no better.

Best advice, don't use the internet for such decisions.

That is great advice and I thank you for your honesty. It's just that same old thing that the grass is always greener on the other side....

shesty

I'm sorry....9 months is relatively easy!!Walking is a whole new world of problems!

OP it's like anything in life, things worth having are generally hard work.We can't make your decision for you.You will always (as with every single thing in life) find those who choose not to have kids, or who shouldn't have been parents.People who have kids will generally realise that nothing lasts forever (and kids really,really teach you that), and that it's only for such a short time.So for all the hardships, life does return to normal over the years, albeit with the addition of extra people in your life.I. would not say that your life cannot be complete without kids, but I will say that they bring an extra depth of everything to your life that you never knew was missing and you didn't realise existed. And that's not rose-tinted glasses speaking, that's just what my kids have taught me over the few years that they've been here. Nobody loves every second of being a parent, any more than they love every second of their amazing job or their amazing holiday or whatever.We're only human.But you see past it when you're a parent and you realise that despite how it may appear to the people around you (like ya know, the people tutting at you as your two year old throws a public tantrum!!) you realise that the good side of having kids far, far outweighs the bad.Also, you develop a great sense of humour (partly as a defense mechanism!!!)

Whether you are willing to invite such a level of change into your life is really up to you to decide.

CelticRambler

Slightly off-topic, but did many of you who found your lives "completely changed" by the arrival of your first baby have pets (specifically cats or dogs) at the time?

Before our first human arrived, I'd had absolutely no experience of baby-minding (my siblings and all our cousins were very close in age, so all the babies in the family grew up together). But all that's described as "hard work" - cleaning up poo and puke, having little vandals running around the house, dealing with irrational behaviour in the middle of the night, having to be home because someone needed to be taken out (or in) - that was part of my adult life before I even met MrsC, and when SonNo.1 slithered into the world with a WTF? look on his face, it wasn't really very much different to having a cat around.

Does it make it less disruptive to a couple's routine, if they've already started sharing their life and space with an independent-minded furball before a baby is added to the household?

shesty

I had cats.The puke/poo thing was definitely not that big a deal after the cats.
The napping in the daytime and constant feeding was a major disruption, at least you can leave a cat on a sofa, and go on about your day!!
But the feeling of having to care for something else besides myself was already there, yes.In a lesser extreme!!!!

Ciarrai76

siblers wrote: »

I'm actually the dad but yeah, I guess some people forget how hard it can be at times, I guess I'm still waiting for that moment where he becomes a little less demanding and I can relax for 5 mins when I get in from work. I think when he starts walking that the tide may turn

The walking part is when the real fun starts!! My baby is 16 months, and is getting so independent. I sometimes miss the small baby stage, where they lie there and you don't have to worry about them getting up the stairs etc etc etc. Now I have the hanging off my leg part and I think oh Lord this part is hard....but I thought that about each stage! LOL

I knew having a baby/child would be hard work, but until you have one, you can never fully appreciate it. And thankfully we have a great baby, who is healthy and sleeps well. I am always thankful for this! I don't know if I will have another, it took a long time just to finally have this one! I never thought we would even have a baby and now that we do, I'm not sure if I want another yet!!

No one can make the decision but you, and your husband. You just have to realise that life does change, but its not the end of the world.

pilly

CelticRambler wrote: »

Slightly off-topic, but did many of you who found your lives "completely changed" by the arrival of your first baby have pets (specifically cats or dogs) at the time?

Before our first human arrived, I'd had absolutely no experience of baby-minding (my siblings and all our cousins were very close in age, so all the babies in the family grew up together). But all that's described as "hard work" - cleaning up poo and puke, having little vandals running around the house, dealing with irrational behaviour in the middle of the night, having to be home because someone needed to be taken out (or in) - that was part of my adult life before I even met MrsC, and when SonNo.1 slithered into the world with a WTF? look on his face, it wasn't really very much different to having a cat around.

Does it make it less disruptive to a couple's routine, if they've already started sharing their life and space with an independent-minded furball before a baby is added to the household?

I have an aunt who always maintained that before anyone had a child they should get a dog first and see if they can look after that. It's good advice.

I think it's slightly pushing it to use a cat as an analogy, there's not much looking after on them, put out food, open window.

tommythecat

It's hard. Really hard. There are loads of things I miss...
1. Sleeping in.
2. Just watching netflix all day saturday.
3. Going out to gigs without having to plan it.
4. Going to the Cinema without having to plan it.
5. Going out for dinner without having to plan it.
6. Just popping into town to browse the shops by myself.
7. Going for a weekend away, just the two of us.
8. Playing the PS4.
9. Proper relaxing holidays.

The list goes on. To say I wouldn't love these things back would be disingenuous.
But I still don't regret it for a second. It's a massive life change but the love i have for my daughter really does make up for all the things I miss. You just have to accept that you have a very different lifestyle once you have a child.

siblers

Ciarrai76 wrote: »

The walking part is when the real fun starts!! My baby is 16 months, and is getting so independent. I sometimes miss the small baby stage, where they lie there and you don't have to worry about them getting up the stairs etc etc etc. Now I have the hanging off my leg part and I think oh Lord this part is hard....but I thought that about each stage! LOL

I knew having a baby/child would be hard work, but until you have one, you can never fully appreciate it. And thankfully we have a great baby, who is healthy and sleeps well. I am always thankful for this! I don't know if I will have another, it took a long time just to finally have this one! I never thought we would even have a baby and now that we do, I'm not sure if I want another yet!!

No one can make the decision but you, and your husband. You just have to realise that life does change, but its not the end of the world.

He is trying to walk now, he can stand up against the couch or table so we have to watch him constantly to make sure he doesn't hurt himself, he then gets frustrated because he can't walk and can't reach for certain things (he is already bored of crawling) so I have to find other ways to entertain him which becomes exhausting.

I know that when he starts to walk, there are so many more dangers to watch out for etc but I'm hoping he won't get so annoyed and frustrated so easily.

lawred2

Fairly loaded question with what I suspect has an already arrived at conclusion...

Don't bother having kids OP if you believe that you'll be happiest that way - there are no rules here.

For the record - I'm 36, wife is 35 and our third is on the way. Eldest is 4. We're broke, knackered and delirious pretty much all the time.

It's the best thing I've ever done though. Can't wait for number three to show herself.

beefburrito

Im 42 now my son's nearly 18.
Life is great, we're like best friends as well as father and son.
We have great banter and enjoy our time together.
I went through the sleepless nights,smell of dirty nappies, school issues, teen-age stuff....
Lack of money.

They're worth it.

There's one drawback, baby wipes never smell the same again......

CramCycle

beefburrito wrote: »

There's one drawback, baby wipes never smell the same again......

It haunts my dreams, they just don't smell or associate with clean things anymore.

Hitman3000

beefburrito wrote:

Im 42 now my son's nearly 18. Life is great, we're like best friends as well as father and son. We have great banter and enjoy our time together. I went through the sleepless nights,smell of dirty nappies, school issues, teen-age stuff.... Lack of money.

Fully get this. Except I'm 45 and my oldest son is 26 ( I have 2, his brother is 18). Still rings me when he is bothered about something or worried. Have the craic and banter aswell. His sibling wrecks my head by times but we are good friends too. I was a very young Dad. Would I change things 'No', no guarantee my life would have been better.

CelticRambler

pilly wrote: »

I think it's slightly pushing it to use a cat as an analogy, there's not much looking after on them, put out food, open window.

You obviousy never had a cat like Eddie! When he died, we buried him right in the middle of the patio where MrsC used to stand when hanging clothes on the line - she said he was always under her feet when he was alive, so that's where he should be even when he was dead :pac:

I'll never forget coming home from work one day to find him sporting the most amazing punk hairstyle. :eek: MrsC was seven months pregnant with No1 and had limited visibility below the bump. Eddie decided to try slaloming between her legs while she was holding a saucepan of melted butter, tripped her up and got the whole lot dumped on his head.

None of the children ever caused or sufferd a similar accident!

Sunny Dayz

Sure once you have kids there’s some things you can no longer really do, like the lie ins, the cosy dinners, freedom, etc. But you find that in the end you’re not really fussed about missing those things and they aren’t important in the grand scheme of things.

I had my son young. I never got to do typical things you do in your 20s: student summers on a J1, a sunny afternoon spent in a beer garden, fun foreign holidays with the gang or with a fella. But look it’s not the end of the world. I can do the beer gardens and the foreign holidays when he’s grown up.

shesty

Would it be good or bad if you found he was doing them with you?!!!!!
I agree though, as they get a bit older, the freedom increases more.And I love showing them the world :-)

Tombo2001

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

Not sure what your point is here?

The benefit to kids when they're young doesn't hold true when they're older and no longer there. As opposed to when youre 73 and there never were kids there?

I think

The experience having kids is/ can be very intense, time consuming, energy consuming for a period of 10/15 years or more.

For that period, for a lot of people - your life stops, its their life and about them......and when they grow up and they are gone from your day to day......you have to get your life back..... And that leaves a lot of people with a void.

Not every parent. But some.

Beanybabog

I'm 32 with an 11 month old and one on the way. I always assumed I'd have kids but I worried I'd miss out on my old life.

I have an excellent support system so we have managed a weekend away by ourselves and a few dinners and drinks out together. Certainly not as much as we used to but I'm too tired to do much anyway My husband has gone out on the tear with his friends tonight while I'm at home. I wouldn't mind if I could have a glass of wine in front of the telly but I'm pregnant, so that sucks :P Your bubble bath / bottle of wine nights won't be ruined - in fact, they're much easier to organise because you don't need a babysitter!

My body has not been destroyed. Changed a bit, but nothing drastic. If I was left with a belly that hung down substantially, as I know some women are and it's the luck of the draw, I'd have no qualms about considering a tummy tuck if I felt it really necessary.

I think a strong relationship between a couple is important - you will be tested. Lack of sex, sleepless nights, bickering. But it also brings you closer too, you're now both the parents of this little baby and you both adore her.

I don't regret it for a minute. I liked babies before it's not the same. I could have a very hard day with my daughter and be wrecked and I'll still go in to look at her sleeping because she's just so damn adorable. I think she's hilarious and all the little things she does are wonderful, even though I know she's probably the exact same as any other baby and I'm just gooey over my own kid. She has brought so much joy to our lives and to her grandparents, who I suspect love her more than they ever loved me!!

All the above said, I would never encourage someone to have children if they didn't want them. I don't think the risk of maybe regretting not having any is a good enough reason to have kids. Nor do I think the "I'm of a certain age" / "it's the done thing" reasons are good enough. I think plenty of people are childless and very happy so only you can make that decision.

premiergal

We're also Australia based and just had our first baby this year (unplanned!).
Like you I was unsure if I ever wanted children so was overwhelmed and terrified when I found out as I've never been overly maternal.
It's tough and you both need to be in 100% as you need to be able to depend on the other person to help you out/pick you up when you're really tired/struggling but he is amazing and I wouldn't change him for the world!
Yes your life changes but you can still get couple hours to yourself if you just sub in and out. He plays golf I head off for lunch/to the beach, it's up to you how much your life changes (while they're young obviously will change when in school).

bluepants

Hi op,
I think you are right to do your research on having kids, to be informed on the possible pros and cons of what may lie ahead. But I say possible because everyone's experience of having children is different, because every child is different.
I don't have the experience of some other posters on here who have older children & teenagers, thats yet to come.
I have a 1 year old girl, and feel very lucky because since the day she was born she has been an absolute dream. She's a great sleeper, she's happy and smiley, we can bring her anywhere (for now), she loves to give us hugs, she just brings us so much joy every single day.
We also have great family support so her granny looks after her while myself an hubby spend time together or out with friends, head out to the pub or whatever, so we do still have a social life, nothing like before though. She has also come along on some trips down the country, and to Spain.
The road so far has been easy for us, although the tantrums are slowly creeping in so that may not be for long 😂😂.
But it's not so easy for everyone.
You are obviously unsure of what you want, but your still only 32, my advice to you is to put the decision aside maybe for a year or so, then in a year revisit the idea and see what you both think. It's not something you have to decide ASAP.
Best of luck with it.