Anxiety, dependent on boyfriend - Family trying to cause a rift!

eeguy

I was in the exact situation your bf is in when I was in my late teens.

My gf at the time had problems at home and most of her friends had moved out to college. As a result I was always the go-to for everything.
Now don't get me wrong, I loved her and its nice to have someone depend on you and make you feel important and essential, but it seriously wears you down over time.

My family weren't overly fond of her and neither side made any attempt to reconcile. I was getting constant texts throughout the day, and repeated texts and calls if i didn't reply quick enough. She got jealous when in spent time with male and female friends without her, or made plans without consulting her.

OP if you don't ease off he'll begin to see things from his parents point of view. I know you've been going through a sh*t time at home, but you have to be mature with how you manage your relationships. Look at things objectively.

I hate to say as well, its rare that people stay with their first love, so just be aware there's a chance it may end.

retro:electro

Op, your problems aren't your boyfriend's problems. Your concerns aren't his family's concerns. They're not going to ask you are you okay and how you're doing every time they see you. I've a sick parent myself and when I see my bfs family I'd be mortified if they mollycoddled me and kept asking me how I was. Most people just let others get on with things, and most others don't want to be reminded 24/7 that they have a sick parent at home.

Not only that- but you are absolutely being a controlling girlfriend, and I'm sure they can see that. You're not letting him breathe. You have no grounds to be jealous over him spending time with his family and I'm sorry but how dare you. Your behaviour isn't right, it's troubling to read and if he was my brother I'd be extremely concerned about him.

Toots

I see in your first post that you are attending counselling, what does your therapist think about this?

TheFitnessLife

I think a lot of people should be ashamed of how they responded to this young woman that is clearly going through a really rough time.
OP, I completely see your point. Ya would think the family of your partner of over 5 years would give you more support when they see how tough you and your family have it at the moment.

And to anyone saying that the family are trying to protect their son from a 'toxic relationship', their sons girlfriend is going through a really tough time over the last few months/year, there's a reason she is acting the way she is, it's called strained mental health. She 22 years old for crying out loud and has no support from her own home, so I guess the right thing to do is advise her only support system to cut ties with her. Ya can't call it a toxic relationship when it could have been great before the OP's family situation changed.

Her boyfriend 100% should be able to do what he pleases but could his family not help the OP out in her current predicament and offer support which in turn could free up her boyfriend for some more time to do what he liked.

OP, definitely contact your GP or a mental health professional and they will be best placed to advise you on how to cope from here on out. Things will get better, that's a fact.

Best of luck

retro:electro

And what about her boyfriend's mental health? Being smothered and argued with over petty nonsense isn't doing his any favours. He is his own person with his own thoughts and desires. He can't be her crutch 24/7 that is absolutely mental and totally draining. He needs breathing space and he can't even get that. The op really needs to talk to someone and be totally honest about how she's acting because it's not right or healthy for either of them.
I get the impression that the op won't be happy until everyone is carrying her burden and that's just really unfair.

Hitman3000

TheFitnessLife wrote:

And to anyone saying that the family are trying to protect their son from a 'toxic relationship', their sons girlfriend is going through a really tough time over the last few months/year, there's a reason she is acting the way she is, it's called strained mental health. She 22 years old for crying out loud and has no support from her own home, so I guess the right thing to do is advise her only support system to cut ties with her. Ya can't call it a toxic relationship when it could have been great before the OP's family situation changed.

Did you read the opening post in its entirety. It is quite possible that the OPs bf's family were indifferent to her at best. As her behaviour/needs changed his family viewed her in a different light. The OP seems to be dismissive of any negative response but admits to smothering behaviour. Lastly it is not the bf's families responsibility to be her 'carer' when he is busy doing what a 21 year old should do. She needs to continue with her counselling and allow her bf some space .

suicide_circus

You are putting a totally unreasonable level of pressure on your bf and his family are trying to protect him from that. It must be extremely draining for him to be your crutch. The situation as described is doing neither of you any favours.

Yellow pack crisps

You're kind of getting angry at some of the replies you're getting here, you're looking for support from us and it's mystifying you why we just can't see things from your point of view. See the problem here? You want things on your terms and if that does not happen then you start getting pissed off. You say you avd his family were once on good terms, these changes do not happen for no reason and more than likely his family have seen a huge change in the dynamic of how your relationship has changed. You have all the answers in your opening statement. Read it back, a good few times, break it down.


Your BF now thinks it's normal to text you constantly to let you know that he is ok. This is not normal, you have taken your issues to such a level that your BF is now subjected to them and now feels obliged to Soothe you with whatever means necessary. He is probably feeling the strain and the stress and is more than likely talking to the people who matter to him most to get something's out of his system: His family. They in turn do not want to see their son suffer and have the joy and fun taken from his life and are naturally enough trying to pull him from this situation.

His parents are in return not acting how you think they should act and are not giving YOU the support you deem to think is your right to receive and therefore they are a PROBLEM now. They are wrong and YOU are justified in being the wronged party. You should have your BF 24/7 and if anyone questions this then they are mean, cold, unsupportive and rightfully should feel your anger.

You sound very vulnerable and lost and well done on posting your problem, deep down you know something is wrong with your behaviour and you want to fix it. You need to give your BF a break and you need to give yourself a break. Being in a healthy relationship is not turning it into a prison cell which although he probably won't admit it to you is probably how your bf feels and if you could see with clarity and which you absolutely don't, well you would see how you live in the same cell, imprisoned by your own thoughts, your own actions and most important imprisoning yourself and your bf in your own unhappiness.

You need professional help, you need to speak and understand your actions. You need to understand and control yourself. You know you are very unhappy and you also know you need help to change. As for his family? You need to look at things from their point of view, their job is to protect their son first and foremost.

Best of luck. With the right help and self awareness you will become a much healthier and happy person.

Big Bag of Chips

The problem with advising you what other people should be doing, is it's not going to help your situation. If everyone told you that your bf's family should support you, and should be there for you, and should ask how you are, what good would that do to your situation? Would you then go and show them the thread to tell them they need to be more supportive and change their ways?

Before this all happened how was your relationship? With your bf? And with them? I'd find it unusual if you always had a good relationship that as soon as something happened in your family that his family immediately turned on you. Has this been gradual, over time? Maybe at the start they were concerned about you, and occasionally asked how you were? But over time there was a dramatic shift in your behaviour, which caused them to grow more concerned for their son?

I'm not saying I don't believe you, but I think you are so upset and panicked now that your perception of what actually happened and the sequence it happened in might be a bit skewed. If they have always been nice to you, and you believed they would be a support to you, then chances are they were.... For a while. Until things took a bad turn. I think based on your expectation of your bf nothing but full total 100% support from them/him was going to be enough. Your bf is already doing a lot for you, but it's not enough. There's a chance his family offered some support, understanding, as Mich as people on the outside can, but it wasn't enough. Regardless of how or why or what happened to get you to this point, the fact is you are now in a very unhealthy relationship. His family see that. You see that.

I keep saying how young you are, and maybe you don't believe that. Maybe you think you're old enough and mature enough to handle all this. But you're really not. You need help. You need support, and for whatever reason you're looking for it in the wrong place. You can't change them. But maybe by changing your own behaviour, you can influence the way they see you.

Afroshack

I have to echo all the sentiments on here OP. It sounds like you are creating this rift in your head when really, its just a family putting their sons needs first, and rightfully so.

Have you any friends of your own you could talk to?

Have you anything in your life outside of your relationship with your boyfriend?

I think its time for you to explore other coping strategies and cut this family some slack - they have no obligation to care for you and they likely have stuff going on in their own lives. Everyone else is correct - your need for reassurance is smothering your relationship and his parents are right to be concerned for him. This isn't a dig at you OP, and I do hope you take all this on board.

Good luck

Sephiroth_dude

I think you would be better off just ending the relationship and getting some distance from him and his family, all this stress isn't healthy for either of ye, not easy too do I know, just concentrate on yourself then and your own issues and your family and build yourself back up.

I was in your boyfriends position twice before, smothered and controlled and it really annoys me that I let myself get in that position and couldn't see it at the time and didn't have the strenght too end the relationships.

ericaw12

Well I really don't know what to do. No, I don't have a wide range of friends or family that I trust, or can confide in.I don't know how to reverse my actions. I don't know what steps to take, professional help - yes, but the cost bearing in mind I am the age I am? In a perfect world, that is the first thing I would do if I did have the money, because OBVIOUSLY my boyfriend's well-being is well worth the money, but the truth of the matter is, I just don't have it. Because we've been together so long, and been serious for so long, it's pretty impossible to strip it all back, especially with no support network. How does one strip things back and to what? Like what is normal after 5 years, how much time is spent together? He does have a wider circle of family and friends, which I'm glad he does. I've been in denial for a long time, refusing to believe I'm hurting him, but now I've realised, and I can't begin to describe the guilt. But I honestly do not know what to do with the resources I have? Do I just put him first and break up?

Big Bag of Chips

Go to your GP. There are community counsellors, psychologists etc that you can see for free through the HSE. There might be a bit of a waiting list depending on where you are in the country, but help is there. You just need to ask for it.

Why do you not have support outside of your bf? Do you work? Did you go to college? Did you have friends in school? Neighbours you grew up with. Having recognised that you are causing yourself and your bf a huge problem you are now in a position to be able to move past that. But do it in small steps. Next time your bf goes somewhere, as he goes out the door tell him to "enjoy". Tell him not to worry about texting you just to enjoy his day and you'll see him when he gets back. Better again, organise something for yourself to do. Reconnect with old friends. Join a hobby group or something to make new ones. I'd say over the years you drifted away frm everyone, because you had your boyfriend. You felt you didn't need anyone else. You do need others. And there's nothing wrong with having different groups of people that you know. You might not be "besties" with everyone, to be honest most people will onle have 1 or 2 true best friends, everyone else will be acquaintances that you share an interest with.

(Here comes that line again ) You are so young. Yet you are aware enough to realise you can't continue as you have been. Take baby steps to change your life, and your bf's. You're not a lost cause. You've been through a lot at such a young age. This is just another stepping stone, and learning block for you. Start with trying to reconnect with your own friends, and have a chat with your GP.

I wish you well.

GingerLily

You haven't really explained what resources you do have OP. It's very hard to advise.

Can you make new friends? Can you get hobbies? Do you have any old friends that you can get back in touch with?

What is your day to day life generally like?

hal9550

<Snip> There is no need to quote an entire post

Im not going to offer my opinion on the situation with your BF or his parents except to say that i would agree with many of the previous Posts.

OP im not a doctor, but <Snip: You are not a doctor, so do not try to diagnose> there ARE SOLUTIONS AVAILABLE.. Honestly you will be amazed at what you will be able to accomplish, PERHAPS TODAY with help from your GP

Go to your GP and explain it ALL, in detail. In my opinion, <Snip: You are not a doctor, so do not try to diagnose> it's no wonder you are having difficulties and that LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY is damaging your relationship. so EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, to your GP and DO NOT BE AFRAID TO BE EMOTIONAL.. HE/SHE NEEDS TO SEE HOW SEVERE THIS IS, so do not sugar coat

Medicinal Help is available from your GP and assuming it is offered, i would SERIOUSLY CONSIDER IT. I can tell you that when i suffered from anxiety (Finishing college, breaking up with long term partner, family trouble all in a short space of time), i was placed on medication that made a RADICAL DIFFERENCE.. i honestly felt slightly more relaxed within hours and that grew over time. despite the reasons for my anxiety still being there, i was able to approach them with a clear head.

Counseling: You can benefit from this, in my opinion. EXPLAIN your financial situation to your GP. Free counseling is available, and he will direct you to it.

Please consider these measures OP. In my honest opinion, the issues you face are preventing you from thinking in a clear headed manner.

Big Bag of Chips

hal9950, I apprecaite you are trying to help, but as per the site rules you are not permitted to offer medical advice or opinion. Even if you were as fully qualified psychiatrist you could not possibly diagnose someone online from a few lines of text. Before posting in Personal Issues/Relationship Issues again, please reread the Forum Charter to make sure you know the rules.

Thanks,
BBoC

hal9550

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

hal9950, I apprecaite you are trying to help, but as per the site rules you are not permitted to offer medical advice or opinion. Even if you were as fully qualified psychiatrist you could not possibly diagnose someone online from a few lines of text. Before posting in Personal Issues/Relationship Issues again, please reread the Forum Charter to make sure you know the rules.

Thanks,
BBoC

Apologies i will re-read and remember in future

hal9550

As previously mentioned i have personal experience with feelings that are perhaps similar to what OP is going through.. Having re-read the charter, i will attempt to explain my own experience and how i got through it, in the hope that my experience will benefit OP in this case. If anything i type is seen as prohibited by the Mods i 100% understand and welcome snipping or deletion if necessary, and i apologize again for my earlier posts mistakes.

MY STORY of Anxiety and how i got through.

I was in second year of a mature student college course, and in what i considered to be a happy loving relationship. While i didnt get on with my parents, i felt confident that i could handle them. i was doing well in college, and was also confident in that sphere.

The unfortunate reality of my situation was that the relationship was not healthy, and while both sides were to blame in simply 'walking on' as a couple, the cord eventually snapped, and we broke up. STRAIGHT AWAY, i found myself without a home, as having been renting a house with my partner i couldnt afford to remain where i was. ALONG WITH THIS, being a full time student, i could BARELY afford to live anywhere, and was considering moving home with one of my parents. FINALLY, i came to the realization that my parents were terrible people, and even if they tolerated ME, i could not tolerate them up close and personal.

Given everything coming together, i began to become severely anxious, distressed, and terrified. Suddenly my once happy existence was replaced by a series of Questions that i was answering in my head

• Where will i live.. Nowhere.. i have no where im in serious trouble
• Who will stand with me and help - no one.. my ex is gone, my family are crazy, and im alone
• Will i finish college? NO.. im totally banjaxed il never get through it
• Will i ever find another GF/Partner.. NO.. im useless, who would want me
• what about my mates.. Nothing they can do
• Is there anything i can do??? .. no, just have a pint and blot it out, theres nothing i can do

Of course this was all in MY HEAD.. but i didnt realize that, and firmly believed every one of those questions and answers. I drifted for weeks sleeping in my friends apartment and was FULLY CONVINCED that he didnt want me and id be homeless at ANY MINUTE


Then at my mates urging, i went to my GP, and told him what was going on. I remember thinking how FOOLISH I WAS! Hes a Doctor for goodness sake, what can he do! IM NOT SICK, IM IN TROUBLE!!!


He talked to me and prescribed medication to treat my anxiety, and put me in touch with a counsellor..



and SUDDENLY in a matter of days, ALL OF THOSE ANSWERS SEEMED AS RIDICULOUS AS THEY ACTUALLY ARE.. The medication, within HOURS started to relax me, and i could see things clearer.. yes there were problems but .. they werent THAT BAD??.. and i began to see the reality of my situation. there were solutions to ALL of those issues but i could NOT SEE them while suffering the anxiety and depression, that days before, i would have HONESTLY CLAIMED wasnt actually there. With counseling i began to tackle all of my issues, and now years later i look back and i am SO THANKFUL i went to see my GP.. had i not, i dont know where i would be today


Genuinely OP, talk to your doctor and explain what you are going through. Thats my honest advice

Afroshack

OP, I'm delighted that you are taking this advice on board. I know we probably all sounded mad harsh but please don't feel like anyone is ganging up on you. Sometimes when you're so heavily invested in something, its hard to see the woods from the trees (is that the phrase?) Anyways, I'm glad you've reached out and here are a few suggestions to help manage your anxiety outside of your relationship.

1. Keep a journal. Record your mood and thoughts and try to spot patterns and triggers over time. Look at anything and everything you come into contact with that stimulates your anxiety. If not, just express everything. Purge it all up.
2. Exercise. Cannot stress this enough. Training for a 10k helped me in the worst of my depression. Download the app and make a list of tunes, get out there. Walk, run, cycle, swim anything! I promise x1000 it helps
3. Create a safe space in your home for relaxation. Cushions, candles, blankets, soft lights. Meditate here. Read. Practise mindfulness. No screens or phones.
4. Take up a new hobby. Even something solitary you can do alone to distract you and give you a sense of purpose. I picked Duolingo, cooking, baking and Pokémon Go and the exercise, leaving the house and focus on small goals really helped. Didn't cost a penny.
5. Sleep. 8 hours a night. Read before bed. No screens.
6. Create small gratitude lists. What are you thankful for in your life?
7. Be kind to yourself. Don't force yourself to do things you don't want to, or be with people who drag you down.
8. Confide in your GP. You may not want meds or anything like that, but they do help while you take the time to get well.

Best of luck OP.