Comments from a work colleague

sashafierce

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mojesius

First of all, it's not ridiculous at all. Please don't feel like you should have to make light of this or take this crap in work off a colleague.

I grew up with a bad underbite (got corrective surgery as an adult), and I can empathise with you, had the comments for years from different people and it destroyed my confidence.

You have two choices here.
1. Approach the colleague yourself, and ask them to stop making these comments, giving examples of such comments. Tell them how these comments make you feel in the workplace and if they don't stop, you'll need to take it to management.

2. If you feel uncomfortable with this approach in any way and I stress , any way at all, go straight to their or your manager, explaining what you have in your OP. It's not schoolyard stuff or a bit of craic, it's a form of bullying and it's making you feel uncomfortable in the workplace.

AnneFrank

This guy sounds like a total a hole. Personally i would deal with a bully the best way to deal with bullies.
The next time he says it, loudly say f**k off talking to me in that way you loser,
you're hardly brad pitt yourself, that would be enough and he wouldn't do it again i'd imagine

sashafierce

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dudara

Tell him straight out for the final time that this is hurtful to you, and that he must stop or you will escalate to management or HR. Start logging all incidents.

If he doesn't stop, make a complaint to HR or management.

Time to play hard ball with him. He is causing an uncomfortable atmosphere in the workplace, and it could even be seen as borderline bullying.

Ragnar Lothbrok

He does need to be made aware of how his comments make you feel. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt at the moment, and suggest that he may not know how awful his comments make you feel.

A quiet word with him, as privately as possible, may well bring the problem to an end. I don't think you should go in aggressively as this will probably make him feel on the defensive and he could get even worse with you.

If the "softly, softly" approach doesn't work, then you should bring it to the manager's attention. It would then be up to the manager to deal with the problem, although there's no guarantee that this will happen of course.

I really hope the person responsible for making you feel so upset understands that his comments are not acceptable, and that he stops after you have a word with him.

Vetch

This sort of thing comes in under a Dignity at Work Policy if the organisation has one. Either way a manager or HR should deal if you're not comfortable doing so. You won't be a 'rat' if you say it, OP. You're entitled to go about your business without being made to feel uncomfortable.

tellmeabit

I would record/make note of date and time of incidents. Talk to them. If it persists produce time and dates to hr. The noting the incidents shown how it affects you.

Whispered

I love my husband but he can be insensitive. It's because he has great self esteem and comments don't bother him, he just assumes everyone is the same.

A smart comment or a snappy comeback would genuinely go unnoticed. He'd take it that you're joking and not think to stop. Telling him straight "this is hurtful. Stop" works. If your co worker has a similar personality maybe tell him how unacceptable it is the next time you're speaking about something else. So you're not angry and you're not reacting.

"I know you think it's funny but it's not. It's making me uncomfortable. Please stop"

If after that you get no joy then definitely report him to management. You have every right to work in a comfortable environment.

_Brian

If you feel comfortable just politely say that you’d rather he didn’t make such comments and you may take it further if it continues.

Or, have a word with someone in management, make a formal complaint if you wish but you could also just ask them to chat with him about it and put a stop to it.

The one thing you shouldn’t do is just accept it, it’s inappropriate behaviour and if it makes you uncomfortable then it’s wrong for him to do so.

eurokev

He probably doesn't realise he is hurting your feelings so much. Probably thinks ye are having the craic. Obviously it's not funny and totally understandable why it's upsetting you so much.

The best way in my opinion that I have seen work before would be too start crying. As a man, I can promise you nothing hits you more in the feels and makes you feel like a piece of **** than making a woman cry

sashafierce

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juneg

You have to lead with an "I" statement to take firm ownership of your comments. eg. " John, I do not like it when you make this comment about my face and I am asking you not to make such a comment again. " It separates the person from the behavior. It is his behavior you object to, not him so he cannot really take it personally. Works well.

sashafierce

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mojesius

He sounds like a right twat. When he asked you about your pay, you were dead right with your response and it seemed to illicit a good reaction - he didn't bother you for two days. I'd keep the approach up as it seems he wants a reaction to from you and when he doesn't get it, he goes off into his huff.

Keep interactions on a must need basis, stay professional and try to focus on your work as opposed to his comments and reactions. I know that it can be draining working beside someone like that, there's at least one in every workplace but eventually he'll get bored of trying to wind you up if you give him minimal reaction. If he doesn't, start writing inappropriate comments from him down and take it to a manager.

qwerty13

There’s ways of responding, to shut him down:

“did I pass my college exams” - of course (with a smile)! did you not get on well in them?

“Comments on how much I spend on clothes” - oh I didn’t know that you were into fashion, do you want me to give you some tips on where to buy from?

A bit bitchy. But I reckon that kind of response will stop him in his tracks.

Batgurl

I’m sure I’m going to be lambasted for this opinion but...did you ever think you’re reading too much into what he says?

People say stupid things all the time, often without thinking, frequently without realising how someone else will interpret it and genuinely without malice.

Add the fact that’s he’s a guy and he probably doesn’t feel like he has as much in common with a woman so he comes out with ridiculous things that you take offence to.

Not saying he’s a saint. There’s a chance he doesn’t particularly like you as a person; that’s ok, you are work colleagues not mates but because you don’t like him either, it’s possible you are reading way too much into everything he says.

Mrcaramelchoc

dudara wrote: »

Tell him straight out for the final time that this is hurtful to you, and that he must stop or you will escalate to management or HR. Start logging all incidents.

If he doesn't stop, make a complaint to HR or management.

Time to play hard ball with him. He is causing an uncomfortable atmosphere in the workplace, and it could even be seen as borderline bullying.

can i just say that you suggesting or telling the op that you will escalate it further to hr or management can sometimes actually cause more problems.

in some jobs you would be considered a rat or a snitch or be ridiculed for this by other people in the job!.now i know that sounds really far out but it happens and ive seen it happen.i had a to put up with a mild form of it for years before the guy actually left and it all stopped.i did go to managemen/hr and it was all swept under the carpet and forgotten about and then it started again.
it may work wherever you are employed but it doesnt work everywhere so just think about that.

im not suggesting the op doesnt report it but beware of the consequences if they do.i dont know what the op should do as i dont have enough details.

ive seen so many people suggesting you go to hr or go to management and complain.in some jobs that option just isnt there and in some jobs you would be laughed at,by management or behind your back which in my eyes is totally worse.

sashafierce

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Batgurl

sashafierce wrote: »

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Maybe he's having a tough time of it financially? Him asking you what you are being paid could indicate that (pretty poor form though and not something I ever agree with in a professional work environment) and then the 2 days silence was because he is still stressing about money.
That would possibly be further exacerbated by you getting lots of new packages to the office as again (rightly or wrongly) he is possibly thinking you are on way more than him.
The fact the manager noticed he was unusually quiet backs up this theory as it means it probably wasn't just you that he wasn't talking to those days.
I don't know the situation and maybe he is a pr!ck but maybe he has much bigger issues going on and you are interpreting his behaviour as a slight against you.

Sleeper12

sashafierce wrote:

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Tell him that it bothers you and makes you uncomfortable. Personally I'd start with something like "I know that you are only joking but".

If it continues after that & it still bothers you then report him. Once you make it clear to him that it bothers you & he continues then it becomes bullying imo.

I'm sure there is nothing wrong with your face & you are just self conscious about the over bite.

sashafierce

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sashafierce

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Diziet

No advice, leave him to his sulk. You don't have to do anything. Good on you for challenging him.

tea and coffee

At this stage, I'd probably say it to management - say Listen John says nasty comments to me (log of dates and incidents) and when I ask him to stop he starts sulking. I shouldn't have to put up with it. Maybe ask John if everything is ok and why he keeps making these comments

BabySlam

How about replying to his questions via email - creating a written record as you go - along the reasonable lines of "you mentioned my face looks angry today - just to make it clear I am not angry at all - suggest you ignore my looks as I prefer to talk about work only"....with a series of these you could easily show management a pattern in the future...

anewme

Agree....leave him sulk away, you are not responsible for analyzing why or pandering to his sulks.

Next time he passes another comment, snap the head off him again.

The remarks will soon stop.