Affair / Sexual chemistry

Hiitsme

bluewolf wrote: »

I think the point of her story was she didn't know herself either

Yes, exactly. However, I did tell my husband I was desperately unhappy. I told him that on a couple of occasions when I had alcohol consumed. He could see I was engaging in self destructive behaviour (the alcohol was becoming a crutch) but he didn't know how to help me. He wouldn't talk about it, he buried his head in the sand and tried to pretend everything was fine. I didn't know how to help myself either. I knew my mental health was compromised. Seeking professional help was the best decision I made. My wonderful counsellor pulled me back from the brink.

professore

Hiitsme wrote: »

Yes, exactly. However, I did tell my husband I was desperately unhappy. I told him that on a couple of occasions when I had alcohol consumed. He could see I was engaging in self destructive behaviour (the alcohol was becoming a crutch) but he didn't know how to help me. He wouldn't talk about it, he buried his head in the sand and tried to pretend everything was fine. I didn't know how to help myself either. I knew my mental health was compromised. Seeking professional help was the best decision I made. My wonderful counsellor pulled me back from the brink.

That's a shame and a missed opportunity on his behalf . I would hope my wife would be as open as you were. Good for you that you did something yourself about it.

Hiitsme

professore wrote: »

That's a shame and a missed opportunity on his behalf . I would hope my wife would be as open as you were. Good for you that you did something yourself about it.

Some subjects are SO painful they are incredibly hard to discuss. This was one of those times. I couldn't express myself properly and my husband didn't want to hear it. He wasn't being deliberately cruel, he was afraid I would leave him. In his mind, if it wasn't talked about, it wasn't reality. This is the real benefit of counselling. The counsellor is the facilitator of the hard discussions. When my husband could not speak, our counsellor spoke on his behalf until my husband was able to find his voice and start engaging in the process again.

youtube!

OP you should listen on youtube to Jordan Peterson, a clinical Psychologist this guy has incredible insights as to the ways of the human mind and explains stuff really well. One of the things I took from a lecture he did was that when you give in to temptation that you end up becoming the person you don't want to be. It's because you know that it is inherently wrong that you even question it yourself.

The actual physiological manifestation of this process is a hit of dopamine in the brain which once accessed becomes hard-wired and virtually impossible to get rid of, every time you give in to it you are going to be a lot more likely to give in to it again, and even if you could put a little machine or fail safe in there somehow to regulate your response in times of stress that little machine will be over ridden by the hard wired need for that hit of dopamine .

In a sense what you have already done is you have crossed a line, a line that cannot be uncrossed and has now implanted itself deep into you brain. That is what happens . You risk the chance now of needing a bigger hit when things get stressful in life, you run the risk of becoming an addict, so don't practice what you don't want to become, learn to deny your urges , it will not be easy now that you have already crossed that line but it is not impossible either, you must now consider yourself as on the cusp of addiction and always be aware as to what triggers will set you off.

TheAnalyst_

What makes it inherently wrong? And if it is inherently wrong and damaging then surely we should legislate for it.

up for anything

Avery Flat Sweater wrote: »

Yeah there's a difference between spouting tired old nonsense and hitting a nerve dude.

You come out with a nonsensical generalisation and more than one person challenges it, shocking.

Like if I said everyone who's ever been on a swinging website has deepseated psychological issues, probably had traumatic sexual experiences early in life and definitely had a drug problem, it'd be defensive of you to contradict that and you'd only be doing it coz I hit a nerve?

er, most of the people on swinging websites are as 'normal' as you or me from what I can make out. However, if you want to say that fair enough. I won't argue with you because I only know a few of them and not all, or enough to loosely use the term 'all'. However, I do know 50 odd years worth of people and yeah, most of them either struggled themselves or were with someone who struggled with monogamy (and succumbed to that struggle) and they were people spread right across every spectrum and strata of different societies. Maybe not all the time but definitely during different parts of their lives and relationships.

bluewolf wrote: »

No, you're right, it's definitely us and not your post

Really, I'm not posting to gain thanks or to persuade people to my opinion and if you think my post was wrong, fair enough. You're entitled to your view. I was giving my opinion on the subject and not searching for cast iron ways to say 'full of people'. I find people get very defensive on the subject but more when they have unspoken doubts about their partner rather than about themselves. It's all a bit like smokers lying to themselves as well as other people. Discreet cheating has saved more relationships in this country then has foundered them.

youtube!

TheAnalyst_ wrote: »

What makes it inherently wrong? And if it is inherently wrong and damaging then surely we should legislate for it.

Oh I'm not judging so "wrong" may be the wrong word, point taken. However the very fact that OP needed to vent on here and given some of her statements
would indicate that she is struggling herself with the morality of it within her own confines, right wrong doesn't enter into for us peering in from the outside but clearly it does for her otherwise she wouldn't give a toss and this thread would have never existed. My main point was to address the physiological process that takes over when we venture down a road that we ourselves judge to be wrong. The actual physical changes that occur in the brain when this happens are extremely powerful and potentially ruinous.

Cheerful Spring

Pluto Planet wrote: »

Exactly the point, marriage was invented as people knew it was not natural to people to only have sex with one other person for the rest of there life. They thought a contract was the solution, they even invented Gods and commandments to try and scare people into honouring the contract

Some women have not have experienced the pleasures of being with other men before settling down and now they feel they missed out. I don't think you can blame the OP husband for that? I guess a lesson for other women in this thread live a little before you commit to one man for the rest of your life.

beefburrito

Honesty is the best policy, if one wants the best of both worlds, they're better off having a partner who's allowed to take a bite out of the cake too.

But as I've heard there's nothing worse for a guy or woman seeing or hearing their partner have a better time with another rather than with them...

If one dips their wick they better be prepared to pay for the oil....

Cheerful Spring

Hiitsme wrote: »

Thanks for that. I didn't realise the OP had taken that road, the thread is so long I missed it trying to speed read. She might still consider counselling though.

My problem with her she deliberately had sex with another man and never told her husband who I believe has a right to know she out sleeping with other man. This urge she had my return I also think when you do once you bound to go there again. Nobody saying she can't sleep with this other man but it's the lying is what gets me and the unfaithfulness to her husband. I disagree with posters on here this can save a marriage. I don't know any man who is happy their wife shagging someone else to save their marriage. If its sexless marriage and you crave this and your husband has given up your wasting your time and life trying to fix something that never will be fixed. Kids and paying a mortgage is a bad excuse to stay in a marriage you unhappy with.

pickarooney

Cheerful Spring wrote: »

Some women have not have experienced the pleasures of being with other men before settling down and now they feel they missed out. I don't think you can blame the OP husband for that? I guess a lesson for other women in this thread live a little before you commit to one man for the rest of your life.

In a way the worst thing you can do is meet the 'right' person when you're young.

Iseedeadpixels

pickarooney wrote: »

In a way the worst thing you can do is meet the 'right' person when you're young.

Wow this actually hit hard with me

Chrongen

beefburrito wrote: »

It's about men who don't have any kind of physical relationships with women,besides being a platonic friend.

We just stay single, simple as....

Then why can't you explain what it is rather than tossing out these obscure acronyms, ffs?

Rory28

Chrongen wrote: »

Then why can't you explain what it is rather than tossing out these obscure acronyms, ffs?

All you had to do was highlight it right click and search google. Not even 2 seconds but instead you post this. Its not obscure either.

erica74

professore wrote: »

That's a HUGE problem right there in bold. Why didn't you tell him? I bet you said everything was great. Maybe he was bored silly himself? The narrative nowadays is all about women's happiness. Well guess what, a lot of men are unhappy too.

To be quite honest, your story didn't sound like there was anything particularly wrong with you or him, except you wanted some passion and excitement. Some people don't want that, all they want is stability and predictability. Is that enough reason to go and cheat and break up a family over? In my opinion no.

Would I like more passion and excitement in my life? I sure would. My wife is different in that regard, or at least that's what she tells me.

Ah that's a bit harsh on the poster, she's only talking about her own experience.

Hiitsme

erica74 wrote: »

Ah that's a bit harsh on the poster, she's only talking about her own experience.

Thank you for that Erica.

I did try to tell him but he didn't want to hear it. He was afraid of the consequences, I guess. He was afraid of losing me. I am now trying to remain in a loveless/sexless marriage (not my choice). Life is not easy ...

erica74

Hiitsme wrote: »

Thank you for that Erica.

I did try to tell him but he didn't want to hear it. He was afraid of the consequences, I guess. He was afraid of losing me. I am now trying to remain in a loveless/sexless marriage (not my choice). Life is not easy ...

Life is not easy, you're right. I won't tell you what to do because I don't know what your life is like to live. You know yourself best and if you think that living this way is the best for you and it's your development. Maybe some day you'll want a change.

Hiitsme

erica74 wrote: »

Life is not easy, you're right. I won't tell you what to do because I don't know what your life is like to live. You know yourself best and if you think that living this way is the best for you and it's your development. Maybe some day you'll want a change.

I will leave when our children are raised and on their own path in life.

Hiitsme

Hiitsme wrote: »

Thank you for that Erica.

I did try to tell him but he didn't want to hear it. He was afraid of the consequences, I guess. He was afraid of losing me. I am now trying to remain in a loveless/sexless marriage (not my choice). Life is not easy ...

Thank you for your honesty in this thread. We need more honest conversations about relationships in Ireland, imo.

Curious Scot

AwareWolf wrote: »

New to this so hope I'm posting in right place. Never had an affair. Very happily married. Clicked with someone recently. And the chemistry was unreal! Didn't have sex nearly did. Married 15 years. Have never experienced this sexual chemistry. Now can't get it out of my head and want him NOW! But afraid of how I'll feel afterwards, and can I really forget it if I get it out of my system?

O.P, I understand how you are feeling. I'm in a similar position. I'm happily married too and have clicked with a woman (also married). Nothing has happened between us other than a few kisses but she has left me in no doubt that she wants to go further and I feel the same also. I know it's only a matter of time before it happens.

worded

When a woman sleeps around with several men she is a tramp

When a man does exactly the same thing he is

.
.
.
.
.
.

well gay really

DrPhilG

Curious Scot wrote: »

Nothing has happened between us other than a few kisses

FFS, ah sure I just kissed another woman a few times, sure its no big deal.

People bringing the whole "monogamy is BS" debate into this are simply distracting from the facts.

If you don't believe in monogamy, fine. If you used to but now you have fallen out of love (aka marriage got hard and you wouldn't be arsed) fine. Talk to your partner, let them know the craic and then if you want to F around (or have "just a few kisses") then fine.

Lying and doing things behind the back of the person you claim to love, used to love, promised to love and honour, is just being a cowardly asshole.

professore

Cheerful Spring wrote: »

Some women have not have experienced the pleasures of being with other men before settling down and now they feel they missed out. I don't think you can blame the OP husband for that? I guess a lesson for other women in this thread live a little before you commit to one man for the rest of your life.

I'd say there are way more men than women in that situation. It's only those couples that are joined at the hip at 16 and marry and have kids where the woman ends up like that. Most women have a couple of men chasing them at any time. Since men have to do the chasing, plenty of fhem are dateless wonders throughout their 20s and then marry the first woman that sleeps with them. Simply being shy or lacking confidence will rule all but the Brad Pitt types from having any interaction with women.

If as often happens, this man develops real confidence in his 30s, which by the way is the peak age of attraction for a man, and suddenly women are throwing themselves at him, all hell breaks loose.

Whereas women just need to not be morbidly obese and have a pulse.

pilly

professore wrote: »

I'd say there are way more men than women in that situation. It's only those couples that are joined at the hip at 16 and marry and have kids where the woman ends up like that. Most women have a couple of men chasing them at any time. Since men have to do the chasing, plenty of fhem are dateless wonders throughout their 20s and then marry the first woman that sleeps with them. Simply being shy or lacking confidence will rule all but the Brad Pitt types from having any interaction with women.

If as often happens, this man develops real confidence in his 30s, which by the way is the peak age of attraction for a man, and suddenly women are throwing themselves at him, all hell breaks loose.

Whereas women just need to not be morbidly obese and have a pulse.

Must be very strange friends you have prof because in my experience and according to statistics men sleep with more women before marriage than vice versa.

Pluto Planet

pilly wrote: »

Must be very strange friends you have prof because in my experience and according to statistics men sleep with more women before marriage than vice versa.

Well on average be the same unless either there is a difference in the frequency of single men shagging married women compared to single women shagging married men.

Let's assume that's equal. Then the average number is the same, as for each man having sex there is also a woman. You see there are more single men who get no sex, the top men simply clean up and shag many women.

bullvine

There should be an "Ask me anything.. with a Swinger.." get to the bottom of it

professore

pilly wrote: »

Must be very strange friends you have prof because in my experience and according to statistics men sleep with more women before marriage than vice versa.

According to statistics, it's impossible for men to sleep with more women than vice versa. By definition it takes one man and one woman, so either they are equal, there are lots of men sleeping with a few loose women, or lots of women sleeping with a few players. Without willing women, men would have no one to sleep with.

Women under-report and men exaggerate their sexual partners in these surveys so I would take it with a large grain of salt.

Of the guys I have known, I would estimate about 10% of them could go anywhere and take home a woman without fail. As opposed to the guys who bragged about it - they were generally hopeless like Jay from the Inbetweeners. The rest really struggled. This ratio held true regardless of social standing etc. The kind of guy Taylor Swift sings about.

AwareWolf

Hiitsme wrote: »

Hi OP, I don't know if you are still reading but I had to reply. I was you 8-10 years ago. I posted a very similar thread on another forum. Like you, I received a few sympathic replies, however, the majority of posters deemed me a troll, called me immature and selfish, a slut and most cruelly, a bad Mum. I quickly realised most posters had absolutely no understanding or didn't want to know, so all they could do was attack me.

I married my first boyfriend and never had another relationship. That was the norm in my family and it was expected of me. After many years of marriage I ended up feeling I had missed out on an important part of life because I never had the experience of other relationships.

Like you, I had a good marriage and my husband was a decent man. I could not understand why I had feelings for another man. Try as I may, these feelings and fantasies would not go away. The sexual chemistry between us was electric - this longing went on for years (he was also married). In the end, nothing happened. We discussed it and through a lot of tears, he was the one who said even though he desired me for years (loved me) he would not cheat on his wife and he would not betray my husband.

I was so distraught I sought counselling. It saved me. It unravelled everything. Counselling highlighted what was wrong in my life/marriage. I was seeking the attention of another man because my marriage was not right. I wasn't aware of this. I thought I had the perfect marriage but I was in denial. Counselling awoke me to what was really going on. My husband and I are now in couple counselling trying to address our issues.

Please consider counselling before you embark on anything. It is the best money you will ever spend on yourself. You will find your true self and you will come out stronger. Seek solo counselling first and you can share all your pain, grief, fantasies, desires - in a safe place without judgement and criticism. Then you can seek couple counselling.

I would urge you to get a recommendation from your GP for a counsellor/psychotherapist - you want someone good and experienced. Or if you PM me I can recommend my counsellor if you live in Dublin.

I have huge empathy for you because I know what you are going through. I wish you all the best. Take care x

Thank you.

AwareWolf

Lads and ladies..... I'm not unhappy..... I'm not in a sexless marriage..... And I feel it's too perfect at times to be honest. Very interesting reading hiitsme post, the only difference is I've nothing to tell my husband I'm unhappy about. Whilst that one time with the other guy was great..... Sex with my husband is actually better. And of course it would be, has years of experience with me. And if I never had sex with this other guy again it wouldn't bother me. That's how I feel now I'm just still seriously attracted to him. I can't understand it. I don't know anyone who has been through some thing similar. It frightens me to read people saying there is some thing wrong in my marriage I just don't know what it is yet. I have never been with any other men.... I have no interest in any other men. I never in a million years thought I'd have done this. Husband and I are very very solid and I even checked with this guy that he wasn't hoping at some point this would turn into anything else, and he doesn't. The last thing I'd want would be to mislead him.

Hiitsme

I have had lot of therapy/counselling at this stage and the other thing I have learned is this. Seeking love or attention elsewhere can be a sign of what was missing in your childhood e.g. feeling loved by your parents, especially your mother. In other words, if your mother was unable to provide you with the love you needed as a small baby then you will never stop seeking it. This is true in my case as my mother was severely depressed when she had me and she wasn't able to give me the love and attention I needed. Its all very deep, of course. If your attraction to another man will not go away and is causing problems in your marriage, you should consider counselling.

Rory28

AwareWolf wrote: »

Lads and ladies..... I'm not unhappy..... I'm not in a sexless marriage..... And I feel it's too perfect at times to be honest. Very interesting reading hiitsme post, the only difference is I've nothing to tell my husband I'm unhappy about. Whilst that one time with the other guy was great..... Sex with my husband is actually better. And of course it would be, has years of experience with me. And if I never had sex with this other guy again it wouldn't bother me. That's how I feel now I'm just still seriously attracted to him. I can't understand it. I don't know anyone who has been through some thing similar. It frightens me to read people saying there is some thing wrong in my marriage I just don't know what it is yet. I have never been with any other men.... I have no interest in any other men. I never in a million years thought I'd have done this. Husband and I are very very solid and I even checked with this guy that he wasn't hoping at some point this would turn into anything else, and he doesn't. The last thing I'd want would be to mislead him.

did you tell your husband yet?

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

AwareWolf wrote: »

Lads and ladies..... I'm not unhappy..... I'm not in a sexless marriage..... And I feel it's too perfect at times to be honest. Very interesting reading hiitsme post, the only difference is I've nothing to tell my husband I'm unhappy about. Whilst that one time with the other guy was great..... Sex with my husband is actually better. And of course it would be, has years of experience with me. And if I never had sex with this other guy again it wouldn't bother me. That's how I feel now I'm just still seriously attracted to him. I can't understand it. I don't know anyone who has been through some thing similar. It frightens me to read people saying there is some thing wrong in my marriage I just don't know what it is yet. I have never been with any other men.... I have no interest in any other men. I never in a million years thought I'd have done this. Husband and I are very very solid and I even checked with this guy that he wasn't hoping at some point this would turn into anything else, and he doesn't. The last thing I'd want would be to mislead him.

He deserves better to be honest. You want your cake and you want to eat it. If you have any respect for him you’ll tell him you’re cheating on him and let him makie up his own mind on what he wants to do

p1akuw47h5r3it

Just ride him and get it over with

AwareWolf

So I did it, and it's a "been there done that" type of feeling. I have no interest anymore as I no longer wonder. Attraction and chemisty is a powerful state of mind. I now think it was some thing I needed to do and can't see myself attracted to another. It's a bizarre feeling really. I don't regret it as it's some kind of lesson in life I feel.

Ten of Swords

AwareWolf wrote: »

BUMP

Fixed that for you

dartboardio

Jesus aren't you a delight
Fcuk 'sexual chemistry' with someone that's not your partner. Thats an excuse.

Its called being unhappy in your current situation. In denial too

Fix it or find an alternative that doesn't sabotage you or others.

I hate all this modern day humming and hawing which I do myself ill admit.. All day long its me me me am I happy what am I feeling right now why isn't everything perfect

Why am i not madly in love and sexually attracted to my partner every single moment of the day bla dee blaa dee bla. Im guilty of it myself but its life and so has it's ups and downs. The whole point of a relationship is to go through life as partners and getting over these sort of obstacles together rather than worrying whether or not he's sexy to you anymore.

Fcuk sexual chemistry as if it's worth anything. You get horny you have sex and boom its the last thing on your mind. Just like eating or drinking.

Dont think too much into it. Hardly worth ruining a life worth of love, experiences and days together.

Snow Garden

AwareWolf wrote: »

So I did it, and it's a "been there done that" type of feeling. I have no interest anymore as I no longer wonder. Attraction and chemisty is a powerful state of mind. I now think it was some thing I needed to do and can't see myself attracted to another. It's a bizarre feeling really. I don't regret it as it's some kind of lesson in life I feel.

Did what exactly?

TheAnalyst_

You dirty get.

Elemonator

If you were my mother and had an affair, I would never speak to you again. Not only does it indicate a lack of respect for yourself, but your partner and your children.

I'd view it as selfish.

The Princess Bride

March 2018

AwareWolf wrote: »

So it got intense over the last while and we went for it. I'm lost for words. I now understand earth shattering. Whilst I will never regret the experience part of me feels guilty of it being some thing my husband doesn't know. Ironically sex with husband has improved. I don't love this man I love my husband. Never thought I'd hear myself say that. Now the breaks have to go on cause it can't continue with this man and he knows that too. 2 people in my life I only ever had sex with. I regret the influence and hold over me my parents and the Catholic Church had on me for my life. I will tell my children to enjoy sex responsibly so they don't live with regrets when they settle down.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=106328080&postcount=254

March 2019

AwareWolf wrote: »

So I did it, and it's a "been there done that" type of feeling. I have no interest anymore as I no longer wonder. Attraction and chemisty is a powerful state of mind. I now think it was some thing I needed to do and can't see myself attracted to another. It's a bizarre feeling really. I don't regret it as it's some kind of lesson in life I feel.

Which?
It's taken a year to realise how you feel?
Or a year of "doing it" to realise it?

dartboardio

Get off your pedestal. Imagine he is off cheating on you the last 2 years and you're the one he pities instead of 'oh my poor husband loves me so much but he is not worthy of my zen'

Working class heroes

Mary, is that you?

metaoblivia

AwareWolf wrote: »

So I did it, and it's a "been there done that" type of feeling. I have no interest anymore as I no longer wonder. Attraction and chemisty is a powerful state of mind. I now think it was some thing I needed to do and can't see myself attracted to another. It's a bizarre feeling really. I don't regret it as it's some kind of lesson in life I feel.

Are you going to tell your husband?

TomSweeney

check out /adultery on reddit, really is an eye opener on the amount of cheating feckers out there.

Teepinaw

AwareWolf wrote: »

So I did it, and it's a "been there done that" type of feeling. I have no interest anymore as I no longer wonder. Attraction and chemisty is a powerful state of mind. I now think it was some thing I needed to do and can't see myself attracted to another. It's a bizarre feeling really. I don't regret it as it's some kind of lesson in life I feel.

So where are you at now?
Back to ground state? Is it over?
Was it a let down - it seemed to take a long time... Was that the issue.. does the other person have an interest in you... In doing it again?

bilbot79

We're just bonobos at the end of the day. Let's all go sex mad.

Widdershins

I wonder why your husband wouldn't mind.

It's not normal to not mind. Does express his feelings easily?

I think you're getting carried away and should think about that first .

ToddyDoody

AwareWolf wrote: »

New to this so hope I'm posting in right place. Never had an affair. Very happily married. Clicked with someone recently. And the chemistry was unreal! Didn't have sex nearly did. Married 15 years. Have never experienced this sexual chemistry. Now can't get it out of my head and want him NOW! But afraid of how I'll feel afterwards, and can I really forget it if I get it out of my system?

You need to watch the Simpsons episodes with Homer and Mindy and Homer and Lurleen.

If you have any further queries let us know.