Should I give up potty training.

VandC

Hi. I have a daughter 2 years and four months old who we said that we were going to try potty training from Stephens day. There's no pressure on her or us it doesn't have to be done. So I've spent a good few months bringing her to the bathroom while I'm going, had her potty out and she sat on it and i explained it to her too so it wasn't new or scary - in my head hoping that when she was ready that she would be at least somewhat familiar with it all. She has been showing signs that she was ready (saying she about to go or has gone in her nappy) wanting to be changed straight away, asking if I was going etc.
So Stephen's day we took the nappy off and have stayed in - and had no visitors - so she isn't out of routine in terms of lots of people in the house. Day one was a few pee and poo accidents even though she was brought every fifteen min and one success in the afternoon - huge fuss made out of this, well done and sticker. But she defo didn't pee as much as she normally would. Second morning nappy was hanging off her it was so saturated. Next day she wouldn't pee except when nappy on for nap and had one little accident, again being reminded every fifteen min. Third and fourth day much the same. She's not in trouble for accidents, and she is showered in praise when she uses the potty. But it seems to be getting worse, pretending to want to nap so she can have a nappy on and at this point im worried she is going to damage herself or get an infection if she keeps holding it. She doesn't really speak so if she has fears or is worried we can't discuss them. Although she is a good communicator, just in her own way.

I suppose I don't know if I should persevere or at what point do you say, it's OK you tried but you're going to wear a nappy again for a while - which tbh I think she be relieved with and not at all disappointed.

It has been suggested to me that when we are in the house that she has no nappy and uses the potty at home and nappy when out but I think this would be confusing and chances are that she would just wait to be in her nappy then if she still wasn't ready.

Appreciate any advice.

margo321

i have no real advice but my experience was you need the world of patience and time. i found i praised too much and my lg just doug in her heels and peed the floor. she actually said she would. i ignored her when she had accidents i said you will remember next time to use the potty. it took 10 days id say but like magic it just clicked with ger then. id stick with it if you can. i was suprised they can hold pee no bother quiet quickly. good luck9

VandC

Maybe I'll scale back the praise. Yeah i cant get over how quickly she learned to hold it. They're funny She dying to get out of house and we did just bring her on a ten min round trip and she had an accident outside then too. Even though we asked her to go before we left - she did the smallest amount ever and we tried to coax her to do more but dont want to get hung up on the quantity even though I know she needed to do more. She didn't even seem bothered that she had an accident - not that I want it to be that she is upset or disappointed more that she acknowledges it, if that makes sense. It's so hard, I defo have all the patience in the world with her and if I had to stick with it for a month I would but at what point do you just say we can try again in a month or two?

Kalimah

Having put four through potty training I think she's a bit young to be honest. My two girls were two and a half before they trained, and the two lads were three and three months. All trained in no time. I'd try again around Easter if it was me. She'll have more language by then too.

VandC

Thanks kalimah. I'm hoping she'll have more language by then! Another item on the worry list - she's a great communicator but it's in her own language - and she is really not progressing any further with new words. Never mind two or three word sentences!

appledrop

I really think she is not ready. All children are different + it seems to be effecting her if she is trying not to go. Leave her for another while.

VandC

Thanks appledrop. I wasn't sure if she was holding it cos she was used to the comfort of the nappy, having lived in one for so long. My gut is saying to wait, good to know that what I'm describing most seem to agree. I've no friends with kids as old so no one to ask. You guys are great for bouncing things off, giving unbiased opinions and ideas and advice.

appledrop

My nephew was late to potty training. They tried + were getting worried as he was nearly 3. Left him a little longer + then within a few days he was sorted. It's hard you get so many conflicting advice from people but think you can only go by your gut + child's reaction.

jimbobaloobob

VandC wrote: »

Thanks kalimah. I'm hoping she'll have more language by then! Another item on the worry list - she's a great communicator but it's in her own language - and she is really not progressing any further with new words. Never mind two or three word sentences!

Try not to take milestones as rules of thumb for each child. Some children talk later than others some need this to develop sense of play etc so don't worry about it or feel it's wrong. 2and half is plenty time for toilet training especially if there's no pressure. Having worked with preschoolers a lot over the years nothing to be panicked about. Enjoy the Christmas

VandC

I've had a number of the older generation in the family trying to tell me once you start you can't stop just keep trying and she'll get it. Tbh I feel mean doing something that she's not ready for. I thought she might have been, otherwise I wouldn't be trying, but I was obviously wrong. She's a great kid and I'd hate to undermine or ruin her confidence over something like this. I'll have to listen to hell from parents and in-laws but I'd rather that than force something that's just not ready to happen.

moonshadow

Probably get lynched for this , but when we started Potty phase it was definite ...
The nappies were gone and underpants on.
Took two days for them to realise it was not as nice to pee in "cotton" as it was in a nappy and the potty was then the best option by far.
DD 1 day DS probably 2.5 days.
All happy in the end.

VandC

Thanks jimbob. Hard not to worry when everyone is like she should be able to speak more by now - she only has about twenty words a stranger would understand and maybe about another ten that I know what she means cos I live with her. She gets two languages at home and she understand both but she is prob talking a morphed version of them that I haven't figured out lol

keavebm

We used kinder eggs with both ours ane it worked a treat. Might seem crazy but a small price to pay. Choclate and a toy they both couldnt wait to go to the toliet the first couple of days. Then we just weaned them off them with something else

iamwhoiam

She sounds exactly like my grandaughter a year ago . I adviced her mam to just give up and try in six werks as the child was so stressed
Six weeks later she was like a different child and done and dusted within a few days .
I have come to realise its not a competition and they all get there in the end

jimbobaloobob

VandC wrote: »

Thanks jimbob. Hard not to worry when everyone is like she should be able to speak more by now - she only has about twenty words a stranger would understand and maybe about another ten that I know what she means cos I live with her. She gets two languages at home and she understand both but she is prob talking a morphed version of them that I haven't figured out lol

Not uncommon to be slower to speak if receiving two languages at home so don't worry.
Remember others are always great at dropping suggestions, opinions and comments then you go home feeling pressure from what they say.
You know your child best and feel no pressure from others it's a mindset in parents.

VandC

moonshadow wrote:

Probably get lynched for this , but when we started Potty phase it was definite ... The nappies were gone and underpants on. Took two days for them to realise it was not as nice to pee in "cotton" as it was in a nappy and the potty was then the best option by far. DD 1 day DS probably 2.5 days. All happy in the end.

I know I could get to the point where it is a definite - such as starting preschool but she doesn't even seem to copping what your kids did. By midday on the first day we were through three pairs of wet pants and one more pair condemned to the bin. I thought that she may as well do the pulling up and down of clothes at the start, with pants only being the easiest, but at that rate I was gonna be out of them by the afternoon. It's been no pants since then and any time we put clothes on she's had an accident - almost like the cotton pants give the security of a nappy. And when she has nothing on from waist down she either holds it or does a dribble. Today was day 5 and there seems to be no real improvement.

VandC

iamwhoiam wrote:

She sounds exactly like my grandaughter a year ago . I adviced her mam to just give up and try in six werks as the child was so stressed Six weeks later she was like a different child and done and dusted within a few days . I have come to realise its not a competition and they all get there in the end

Could you talk to my parents and tell them that's what they should be telling me lol

jimbobaloobob

What languages does she get at home? I have a social story for toilet training made out in English and Irish if any use. It could be edited to any other language also.

VandC

keavebm wrote:

We used kinder eggs with both ours ane it worked a treat. Might seem crazy but a small price to pay. Choclate and a toy they both couldnt wait to go to the toliet the first couple of days. Then we just weaned them off them with something else

Have tried chocolate on the third day I think, maybe fourth (against my will) and still just a dribble. It's like she'll do the dribble for the treat. I didn't want to be all you have to do more, knowing that she needed to, and stressing her about the amount cos at the EOD she had gone so I gave the treat anyways. It still hasn't convinced her to go more.

Ms2011

My daughter is 2 and 8 month and I won't even be trying to potty train her until April when she turns 3.
If I've learned anything since having kids it's that there are no hard & fast rules when it comes to these things, what works for one mightn't work for another and you know your child best. There's alot to be said for a mother's instincts.
As someone wiser than I said, she won't be going off to college in nappies, they all get it in the end

VandC

jimbobaloobob wrote:

What languages does she get at home? I have a social story for toilet training made out in English and Irish if any use. It could be edited to any other language also.

She is learning English and gaeilge! Not many others have that combo, nice to meet another what's the book and I can look in to getting one

iamwhoiam

VandC wrote: »

Could you talk to my parents and tell them that's what they should be telling me lol

My advice to you having worked with kids all my life is relax . They are all different , all wonderful , all will get there and best done when they are ready . She will be fine in time , she needs more time

Jimbob1977

We picked a week where neither parent was at work. I think it was summer or Easter.

You need patience, uninterrupted free time and plenty of fresh clothes.

Day One had 13 accidents, but we stuck with it.

Day Two was much better. The number of accidents fell to approximately six as the 'cause and effect' took hold. If you wet yourself, it will feel uncomfortable.

Day Three and Day Four had a few accidents, but they had it nailed by the end of a long week.

It will seem futile in the beginning, but worth the investment.

jimbobaloobob

VandC wrote: »

She is learning English and gaeilge! Not many others have that combo, nice to meet another what's the book and I can look in to getting one

I created it myself. I'll scan it and arrange to send you a copy it's about 7-8 a4 pages.

VandC

Ms2011 wrote:

My daughter is 2 and 8 month and I won't even be trying to potty train her until April when she turns 3. If I've learned anything since having kids it's that there are no hard & fast rules when it comes to these things, what works for one mightn't work for another and you know your child best. There's alot to be said for a mother's instincts. As someone wiser than I said, she won't be going off to college in nappies, they all get it in the end

Lol, I'm sure she won't. At least I hope not!! Ha ha. Ah it's just that I thought I'd try her cos she seemed ready. Now because I have no friends with kids similar or older the parents are being real "once you've started don't give in to her". And I've no one to bounce this off as the grandparents are like she manipulating you etc, don't give in to her and so on. It's good to hear that what my gut is saying is what others are saying too.

VandC

jimbobaloobob wrote:

I created it myself. I'll scan it and arrange to send you a copy it's about 7-8 a4 pages.

Oh wow, that's great! Thank you so so much

VandC

Jimbob1977 wrote:

We picked a week where neither parent was at work. I think it was summer or Easter.

Jimbob1977 wrote:

You need patience, uninterrupted free time and plenty of fresh clothes.

I'm on mat leave at the moment and daddy was off for Xmas so this is one of the reasons we tried now - easier with daddy cos she is guaranteed to want to go if it was just me here and in was changing baby's nappy, the usual . We told friends and family so we have stayed at home just the four of us, took the rugs up so any messes were real quick to clean up. I still have some time before I return to work so it might be an option to do again, maybe hold her back with me for week when baby starts creche, so it's just the two of us.

Ms2011

VandC wrote: »

Lol, I'm sure she won't. At least I hope not!! Ha ha. Ah it's just that I thought I'd try her cos she seemed ready. Now because I have no friends with kids similar or older the parents are being real "once you've started don't give in to her". And I've no one to bounce this off as the grandparents are like she manipulating you etc, don't give in to her and so on. It's good to hear that what my gut is saying is what others are saying too.

Even if she were manipulating you ( and I don't think she is ) why is she doing it?
The answer is still the same because she is not ready.
I stopped midway through training my son as I was in the early stages of pregnancy & v.sick, we came back to it when I was feeling better with no I'll effects.

VandC

Ms2011 wrote:

Even if she were manipulating you ( and I don't think she is ) why is she doing it? The answer is still the same because she is not ready. I stopped midway through training my son as I was in the early stages of pregnancy & v.sick, we came back to it when I was feeling better with no I'll effects.

I dont think she is manipulating me, it's just them saying she is. One of them offered a treat if she never put a nappy on again which I thought was a bit unfair. I know they meant well but I hope she has forgotten about it cos I dont want her to be disappointed for missing out - I might do something special with her just for trying. When you decided to stop did you tell your son or did you give him the option? A bit of me is just tempted to give her the option so that she feels like she is choosing to wait as opposed to a nappy being forced on her cos she's not getting the potty quick enough.

Ms2011

VandC wrote: »

I dont think she is manipulating me, it's just them saying she is. One of them offered a treat if she never put a nappy on again which I thought was a bit unfair. I know they meant well but I hope she has forgotten about it cos I dont want her to be disappointed for missing out - I might do something special with her just for trying. When you decided to stop did you tell your son or did you give him the option? A bit of me is just tempted to give her the option so that she feels like she is choosing to wait as opposed to a nappy being forced on her cos she's not getting the potty quick enough.

No I didn't give him the option, he's a v.laid back child who just goes with the flow so it didn't phase him but it might not be a bad idea to give her the option to let her know she has some control & take some pressure off her.

moonshadow

Ok this may sound strange, but for my boy it worked a treat..give them something to aim at..in the bowl.
Girls I'm not so sure..

seamus

As others say, there's no hard and fast rules. I think we sat our first on the potty at 2 years and she understood what it was, but didn't do anything. Six months later we noticed that her nappies were bone dry in the mornings, so we switched to pull ups, sat her on the potty and she took to it like a duck to water. Only used the pull ups for a day or two without any incidents anyway and at night for another week or two, but they were bone dry in the morning.

Sounds like it went easily, but we've discovered that it worked for her because the child is a camel. She won't ask to use the toilet until she's absolutely bursting, and has gone 8-10 hours during the day without peeing :eek: I genuinely don't know where she keeps it all.

So we have to make an effort to stick her on the toilet regularly and to do so she gets to play with her toys on the toilet. Which introduces a new problem, where the child won't get off the bloody toilet if she's in the middle of a game!

In hindsight I would happily trade the easy potty training for a child who just pees and leaves :D

mirrorwall14

We tried my son at 2 years 5 months and it didn't go well-like you. Gave up because I was just about to have a foot operation and getting up and down from the floor to him wasn't going to be fun.

Tried again in August at 2 years 7 months (6 weeks later) and it was totally different. Understood a lot better, language better and yes he still had a ton of accidents initially but it felt completely different to the first time. Montessouri in September and only had two accidents, both times acknowledged by teacher that he was super excited/engrossed and they hadn't reminded him. No accidents since except when I couldn't get off a motorway in time.

VandC

seamus wrote:

So we have to make an effort to stick her on the toilet regularly and to do so she gets to play with her toys on the toilet. Which introduces a new problem, where the child won't get off the bloody toilet if she's in the middle of a game!

Once she doesn't drop them in . I can't get mine away from washing her hands. Except her new word for soap sounds remarkably like f..u..c..k.. Hoping she only says that to me and her dad, not her grandparents lol

VandC

mirrorwall14 wrote:

Tried again in August at 2 years 7 months (6 weeks later) and it was totally different. Understood a lot better, language better and yes he still had a ton of accidents initially but it felt completely different to the first time. Montessouri in September and only had two accidents, both times acknowledged by teacher that he was super excited/engrossed and they hadn't reminded him. No accidents since except when I couldn't get off a motorway in time.

It's crazy how different things can be in six weeks for them. Does seem to be a recurring response from people here is that she is a little young and compared to when you all did it she seems to be alright.

Neyite

I left it later than the norm with my lad and in 2.5 days he was dry day and night. We did the three day method (pm me an email address if you want it sent on), and went cold turkey on the nappies. Pants only from the start.

But I would have failed miserably if I'd tried him earlier than I did. He was ready and receptive to it and that made it easy. Toilet training can be a doddle if they are ready, but an absolute nightmare of stress on all sides when they aren't.
Like the others, I'd suggest waiting until Easter or even summer to try again.

VandC

Neyite wrote:

I left it later than the norm with my lad and in 2.5 days he was dry day and night. We did the three day method (pm me an email address if you want it sent on), and went cold turkey on the nappies. Pants only from the start.

Thanks neyite, sent a pm there. Really appreciate the offer

shesty

Started my eldest at 2 and maybe 5.5 months? She was young but I was due back to work after mat leave a couple of months later and I wanted to be able to give her the time and not pressure her.

Honestly - pulling up and down - she's young for that. It's actually a developmental thing if you look it up, they don't have the coordination or the strength to do that til they are well over 3.So I wouldn't expect too much of that.

We had a LOT of accidents. A lot. I stuck with it because she did quickly get to a point where she wanted the nappy off the minute - the instant!! - she had a wee done in it, so my gut told me she probably was ok to keep going.She wasn't too bad for accidents when we went out but if we were going out for a long afternoon or anything, I did put a pull-up on for the few hours (I also had an 8 month old you see....).

She was and is an excellent communicator, but even still, over a year on, I can now say that age makes a world of difference. She picked up the wee thing pretty quick but the poo thing - no. Not at all.After watching her over the last year, I realised it took a long, long time for her to realise the sensation of having to poo, then get used to the sensation of doing it outside of a nappy (as someone said to me, they feel like they are losing a piece of themselves and it scares them to do it in a toilet), and then to realise the sensation of poo vs wind (TMI!!!). Even still she has odd accidents, but they are generally because she won't leave what she's doing or watching to go to the toilet. She would never, ever answer if I asked her did she have to go, she'd nearly run in the oppposite direction....in hindsight maybe she didn't know and she knew I'd be putting her under pressure when I started asking? Getting her to a point where she would actually say the words "I have to wee/go to the toilet" took MONTHS - she was probably 3 or over before she started saying that.

Of course over it all, I had the same worries about her holding it in and me doing more damage as a result of my efforts. Thankfully it never came to that but I definitely had to re-evaluate my methods many times. At 2 and 5 months, she was very young for star charts. My gut said she just didn't really get them, so I didn't bother. With really little kids like that, the reward almost has to be instantaneous, rather than a sticker to build up to a reward, because it kind of goes over their heads.

That said, you can do it. But you either commit fully now, or you stop and go back to it after a few months! I don't have a magic solution for you I'm afraid, a lot of time was spent on the potty in front of the TV in this house....or with a stack of books.....it's time, effort and patience (tonnes of patience) and mountains of spare underwear on your part. I definitely found the more I talked about it, the more my little one felt pressured and I only caused problems for myself really. You kind of have to strike a line between letting them "own" it, and keeping an eye to gently direct them when needed!!!! It's tough!But she is young, so if you stick with it, be prepared for it to go on for weeks, even months. That is normal.

Most people I know with boys left them til 3 or even a bit older, as I gather boys are better to leave til later. Girls seem to be ok a bit earlier, but in hindsight my next girl I will probably leave til maybe 2 and 7/8 months, (depending on how she is), because even those couple of months made a massive difference in developmental terms.

borderlinemeath

VandC, I have a little girl the exact same age (I think we were both in the August 15 babies!) and she is nowhere near ready. She's a great communicator but she won't say when she's done anything in her nappy and particularly if she's done a poo, she doesn't want to get her nappy changed usually because she's busy doing something. Funnily enough she enjoys getting changed when we're out and about and loves the novelty of pull down changers in public toilets so it's not that she enjoys sitting in it (TMI) but until she is happy telling me she has just done a wee, I won't be initiating anything.

VandC

Thanks for your experience shesty. Great to hear your thoughts and how you got on. And some extra info too on how they feel about it all.

BLM, yes we were in the Aug 15 babies thread together! Feels like so long ago. I've had another baby since. Born paddy's day this year. Best birthday ever. Never have to work or go to school and if your birthday is fri-mon ya get a three day weekend! Loads of benefits!

It's funny, everyone to me beforehand was like she can do it, wants to do it, go for it etc etc. And now it's the opposite. But maybe they saw what I saw. She decided that for the first hour this morn that she didn't want a nappy but then wanted a pull up on. By ten she was asking to go to bed and I asked her if it was a nappy she wanted (cos she knew she'd get one for a nap and would pee in it then) - she said yes and then she had nappies on all day. Then at about five she had to have the nappy off and has been peeing in the potty up until bed time. Great to see her wanting to do it but I hope I haven't created a worse situation for myself by trying.

BlazingSaddler

Hi all. I have a 2 yr 11month old boy who we started training on Thursday. We tried back in October but did not think he ready so went back to nappies. He has 2 older sisters who were trained without too much fuss around 2 and a half.
It’s been a bit of a struggle to be honest, we started off reading the pirate Pete book and watching a few potty training videos with him, we picked the potty and pants that he wanted but he is incredibly stubborn. Even the mention of the word potty (or toilet) has him freaking out! The first day wasn’t too bad, I wouldn’t say he was willing to sit on the potty but major coaxing was required and he pooed once, he seems good at holding his wee in until nap time where he has a pull up on and he’ll let it all out then. Yesterday much the same but harder to get him to sit down, he clearly knows when the wee or poo is coming as he starts to get very anxious and upset. Anyway today he is really losing it altogether when we try to get him on the potty and have had to almost force him on, when we’ve got him on (by holding him down) he has managed to go but under extreme protest and he gets very upset. Should we leave it for now or stick it out? We’ve tried treats when he’s had a wee but not really making any difference!

jimbobaloobob

BlazingSaddler wrote: »

Hi all. I have a 2 yr 11month old boy who we started training on Thursday. We tried back in October but did not think he ready so went back to nappies. He has 2 older sisters who were trained without too much fuss around 2 and a half.
It’s been a bit of a struggle to be honest, we started off reading the pirate Pete book and watching a few potty training videos with him, we picked the potty and pants that he wanted but he is incredibly stubborn. Even the mention of the word potty (or toilet) has him freaking out! The first day wasn’t too bad, I wouldn’t say he was willing to sit on the potty but major coaxing was required and he pooed once, he seems good at holding his wee in until nap time where he has a pull up on and he’ll let it all out then. Yesterday much the same but harder to get him to sit down, he clearly knows when the wee or poo is coming as he starts to get very anxious and upset. Anyway today he is really losing it altogether when we try to get him on the potty and have had to almost force him on, when we’ve got him on (by holding him down) he has managed to go but under extreme protest and he gets very upset. Should we leave it for now or stick it out? We’ve tried treats when he’s had a wee but not really making any difference!

How are you coaxing him to sit on the potty?
What happens after he goes to the loo on the potty? As in what do ye say to him after?

BlazingSaddler

jimbobaloobob wrote: »

How are you coaxing him to sit on the potty?
What happens after he goes to the loo on the potty? As in what do ye say to him after?

Coaxing him the first day wasn’t too hard, sitting next to him, holding hands, watching tv but now to get him on it’s a battle of wills, almost have to force him on ðŸ™. After he goes we give him a lot of praise and a treat.

angeldelight

BlazingSaddler wrote: »

Hi all. I have a 2 yr 11month old boy who we started training on Thursday. We tried back in October but did not think he ready so went back to nappies. He has 2 older sisters who were trained without too much fuss around 2 and a half.
It’s been a bit of a struggle to be honest, we started off reading the pirate Pete book and watching a few potty training videos with him, we picked the potty and pants that he wanted but he is incredibly stubborn. Even the mention of the word potty (or toilet) has him freaking out! The first day wasn’t too bad, I wouldn’t say he was willing to sit on the potty but major coaxing was required and he pooed once, he seems good at holding his wee in until nap time where he has a pull up on and he’ll let it all out then. Yesterday much the same but harder to get him to sit down, he clearly knows when the wee or poo is coming as he starts to get very anxious and upset. Anyway today he is really losing it altogether when we try to get him on the potty and have had to almost force him on, when we’ve got him on (by holding him down) he has managed to go but under extreme protest and he gets very upset. Should we leave it for now or stick it out? We’ve tried treats when he’s had a wee but not really making any difference!

If I were you I would definitely stop for now before he’s completely traumatised by the thoughts of toilet training. He’s not ready, he’s sending you all those signals. I’d leave the potty lying about and ignore it for a while so he gets accustomed to it being around and try agin in 3 months or so

shesty

I think I'd agree, if he's that traumatised he just isn't ready for it.I'd give it a bit longer.

BlazingSaddler

Just a quick update on this. On the day of my last post we decided to give up and tried him back in nappies but he found this equally as traumatic and was very confused when he felt something coming, so we persisted with the training and later that day it just clicked. He’s flying now and rarely has an accident and is even dry at night. It was a very rough few days but seems like a distant memory now!