Feeling like I'm missing out because I've never lived the "Geordie Shore" Life

LegacyUser

I'm a man in his late 20s. I've only ever had full intercourse with three women, one of whom was a ONS. I have also, as the Americans would say, "fooled around" with an additional five women.

And my problem is that I feel inferior because of my inexperience. Shows like Geordie Shore might depict a certain stereotype of person that appears abnormal or exaggerated, but I've found their wildly promiscuous sexual activity to be pretty par for the course nowadays among adults, and I'm missing out.

I recently read an article online (published two years ago) on which hundreds of people commented on their "number", i.e. how many people they've had sex with. The numbers varied wildly, but so many girls and men reported double figures, and I'm back on three.

A small sample based on my friends tells me one friend has been with 7 women, two friends have slept with five women, an another two friends with 3 women. However, my friends are not the greatest sample to gauge wider society because they are similar people to me, i.e. good guys but pretty shy and introverted.

I know this comes across as an unhealthy attitude as if quantity should matter to any reasonable person. But I'm apparently not reasonable, and perhaps it's related to underlying self-esteem issues.

Should I speak to a therapist about my unhealthy self-image, chastising myself for not being able to attract women as easily as everyone else? Hard to know if what better reflects reality is what I see on tv and read online, or the few friends whose sexual lives I know about.

Either way, I feel like I've wasted my 20s by not sleeping with lots of people like everyone else does. And I feel way behind 90 percent of blokes my age.

MissShihTzu

That's because 90% of blokes are lying! Trust me, you sound pretty normal to me.

A lot of people exaggerate things for a variety of reasons. What they are, only that person would know. As for Geordie Shore - you that it is scripted crap, don't you? It's all in the name of 'entertainment'. And you should take it as as such.

What you need to do is work on you! Yes, you should see a counsellor - not a therapist as such, but you seem to have low self-esteem issues that needs work.

Finally, you should relax. The right girl will be along soon enough.

ted1

They say when men say their number you should half it, and when women say it you should double it

You say one was a ONS what were the others?
You’ll find that people with high numbers have never been in a relationship, and instead have a string of ONS where the sex is generally average. Where as in a relationship it tends to be better

LegacyUser

sexlessman123 wrote: »

Should I speak to a therapist

That might be a good idea, it might help you lose you totally skewed notion of the lives other people are living (Jersey Shore isn't aspirational, we're supposed to laugh at their antics, not admire them) and lose the pointless and unhealthy fixation on numbers which is likely to be both symptom and cause of your lack of success in relationships.

witchgirl26

OP honestly a number means nothing. I don't know how many people my partner of 6 years has been with before me. I could take a guess and it wouldn't be a huge number but it doesn't matter at all and doesn't indicate anything except the number of people he slept with.

I would think the opposite that you would have wasted your 20s sleeping with loads of people just to feel like you'd reached some mythical "right" number of partners.

It might be a good idea to talk to someone about how you're viewing yourself with this because I think you're being really harsh on yourself.

HalloweenJack

I can understand it's something that is affecting you but, really, it's not important.

It's one thing to want to be sexually involved with someone but doing it just so you can work your way up to some arbitrary number is stupid. What happens when you reach that number? Will all your hang ups disappear? Or will you want to go even further?

Have sex with people for the right reasons, i.e. genuine attraction and wanting to do it, not because you feel the need to rack up the numbers. People, especially around your age, don't care about how many people you've been with. And if they do, either thinking you've had "too many" or "too few", they're not worth wasting your time with.

Sex is a private matter. You shouldn't feel the need to match up to other people's expectations or experiences, it's only important to you. Now, if it's the case that you're lonely and want some attention, then that's a different matter but only you can work on that. Therapy could be a start to help you work on your self-esteem as that seems to be an issue for you.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Chancer3001

Sex and money - they only seem super important when you don't have much of them...

racso1975

This may not be the norm by imho sex with someone you have a relationship with tends to be much much better then ons particularly if you are somebody who is slightly introverted

Bambi985

Jesus wept at the thread title. Honestly I thought this was going to be a spam post from one of those PUA bots before i opened it.

Those Geordie Shore folks are positively revolting, probably riddled and the antidote to what any self-respecting person should strive to be in life, but i digress. If a man brought up, hinted, alluded to, asked or bragged about his "number" in front of me i'd do a 180 and swiftly walk away. plus those men tend to be about as subtle as a smack in the face with a wet fish so I doubt it's doing your love life any favours either.

What about befriending and getting to know women as humans rather than potential notches on your bedpost? Do you have any female friends as it is? I'd doubt it, if you're basing your entire self-worth on shagging as many women as possible, which I can guarantee is about as empty and under-whelming an experience as you can imagine. Some of the crappiest sex I've had is being 'pulled' by these types back in my single days and the best sex I've had hands down has been in a loving, intimate relationship where the fella actually cared about my enjoyment more than his own ego. Most women will tell you that.

21Savage

Reality is girls like to know a guy has been with a few women. I find it hard to believe the average number of women a man has slept with is a low as 2 as per Irish times study. I'm hopeless with girls, like I cannot talk to women and am a prude and I've been in bed with 4 girls and only because I didn't want to go through with it we hadn't sex. One girl commented she thought it was hot I was a virgin and she was extremely pretty. However, I know it's turned a few girls off me. Girls start to question themselves. What do I see in this guy that other girls don't? Then they start to rationalise against the guy and they begin to uncheck all those boxes.

LegacyUser

OP, as with all the best things, it's quality that counts, not quantity!

GingerLily

21Savage wrote: »

Reality is girls like to know a guy has been with a few women. I find it hard to believe the average number of women a man has slept with is a low as 2 as per Irish times study. I'm hopeless with girls, like I cannot talk to women and am a prude and I've been in bed with 4 girls and only because I didn't want to go through with it we hadn't sex. One girl commented she thought it was hot I was a virgin and she was extremely pretty. However, I know it's turned a few girls off me. Girls start to question themselves. What do I see in this guy that other girls don't? Then they start to rationalise against the guy and they begin to uncheck all those boxes.

I think some people find the responsibility of taking someone's virginity a bit daunting, which is understandable in a ONS situation.
Guys that sleep around a lot are usually much more trouble then their worth and most women do try to avoid them.

leggo

I’m going to take a slightly different tack: OP do you actually want to have more sex with more people?

Like it’s all well and good people saying “that’s normal”, but what if the OP actually wants to sleep around for a bit? And that’s a perfectly fair thing to want. I remember when I was young, my first relationship (and my first sexual partner) got super serious and tbh I got to a stage where I wanted to be with others, to sow my wild oats so to speak, before I thought about settling down. I think it’s a natural stage to go through for a lot of people. I think some have to get it out of their system before they can fully commit to one person, I know that only in the past few years I’ve been able to say that I was emotionally ready for a serious relationship to happen because I felt like I knew what I wanted from having been with/dated/had flings with X amount of people.

OP if that’s what you want then focus on being attractive, both physically and personality-wise. You don’t have to live up to any kind of social ideal and become someone else, just be the most attractive version of yourself. See it as a competition of sorts, what do you offer to potential people that others don’t? Go to the gym, get in shape, start eating healthily if you don’t already (you don’t have to be ripped but be generally healthy looking). Start caring about stuff like your hairstyle and skin condition if you don’t already (the amount of men who don’t moisturise or even wash their face daily, for example, then complain about not being able to attract women). See also: fashion, again you don’t have to necessarily follow social trends just wear fashionable, well-fitted clothes you actually like. Live an interesting life that others will want to be a part of, it’ll make you more confident than the guys who just sit at home talking about stuff they’re ‘gonna’ do. What are the things you like? Can you be more proactive about them, whatever they are? (Mine is pro-wrestling, for example, so it doesn’t have to be something women traditionally find attractive, it can be nerdy as hell tbh these days)

Think about how you can strike another person as interesting/attractive/standout via a picture and 1-2 line bio on a dating site, or someone seeing you across a room. Why would they swipe or talk to you above other guys? Are you actually in a position to meet people too? Do you go out in places where women you like and will connect with will be or are you active on dating apps? Do you have any trusted female friends who can give your bio a look over to see what they’d improve?

Do all of the above, commit to it as a long-term project and don’t expect overnight results (because you’ll be disheartened when they don’t come after you going to the gym 3 times in one week), then in 6 months to a year your life could be completely different.

That’s if that’s actually what you want, of course. Like everyone else has said, what you’re describing as your current situation isn’t abnormal or wrong, but you also shouldn’t be made to feel like you should settle for said situation if it’s making you unhappy either. It’s just that changing it, like anything else in life that’s worth having, takes hard work and graft.

woodchuck

OP why are you so concerned about what is portrayed in the media?? In your post you've referred to Geordie Shore (*shudder*), an online article and what the Americans say (imo this is indicative of watching too much TV!). You've also talked to your friends and yet you still want to believe the media over reality.

The question is, do you actually want to have sex with more women or do you only want to because you think you don't match up to everyone else? If the media told you that it was the norm to have slept with 3 people by your age, would your attitude be different?

Stop comparing yourself to everyone else. Start thinking about what you actually want and not what you think you should be doing.

LegacyUser

woodchuck wrote: »

OP why are you so concerned about what is portrayed in the media?? In your post you've referred to Geordie Shore (*shudder*), an online article and what the Americans say (imo this is indicative of watching too much TV!).

I used the Americanism because to me it's far less crude than "fingered". I rarely watch television tbh, I'm more of a reader, but that doesn't mean I avoid it altogether.

woodchuck wrote: »

The question is, do you actually want to have sex with more women or do you only want to because you think you don't match up to everyone else?

Stop comparing yourself to everyone else. Start thinking about what you actually want and not what you think you should be doing.

Good points. Unfortunately, the answer to your question is that while I think it would be nice to have more experience with women, the main motivation for wanting more sexual partners is basing my self-worth on what everyone else is doing, or worse still, what I think they are doing.

In truth, the reason why the "fooling around" with women that I referred to above often didn't turn into sex was that it takes me a while to get comfortable enough for sex (the one exception was my one night stand; my other two sexual partners are relationships over the course of two years minimum). Again, I feel this is a weakness on my part. There are many lads who'd scoff at the idea of being a bit timid and who have no hesitation living life on instinct instead of intellectualizing everything and waiting to feel "comfortable".

witchgirl26

sexlessman123 wrote: »

In truth, the reason why the "fooling around" with women that I referred to above often didn't turn into sex was that it takes me a while to get comfortable enough for sex (the one exception was my one night stand; my other two sexual partners are relationships over the course of two years minimum). Again, I feel this is a weakness on my part. There are many lads who'd scoff at the idea of being a bit timid and who have no hesitation living life on instinct instead of intellectualizing everything and waiting to feel "comfortable".

OP that is not a weakness at all so please don't think it is. Course you want to feel comfortable with a person you're going to be as intimate with as two people can be. That's normal. Some people feel comfortable with people quicker than others but that doesn't make one right and one wrong. It's just how different people are.

Teyla Emmagan

Bambi985 wrote:

Those Geordie Shore folks are positively revolting, probably riddled and the antidote to what any self-respecting person should strive to be in life, but i digress.

Could not agree with you more.

And yes OP, you are obsessed with numbers. You've said you are an introvert so you're never realistically going to sleep with dozens of people. And even if you did, it wouldn't be for you. Forget about the numbers, they are completely irrelevant. All you need is one.

woodchuck

sexlessman123 wrote: »

Unfortunately, the answer to your question is that while I think it would be nice to have more experience with women, the main motivation for wanting more sexual partners is basing my self-worth on what everyone else is doing, or worse still, what I think they are doing.

If that's your motivation, then maybe you would benefit from some counselling. The real issue isn't how many sexual partners you've had (for what it's worth, you sound far from abnormal), but if you're using others as a baseline for your own self worth then you're never going to be happy. There is always going to be someone who is better off than you (partners, salary, assets, looks etc), but you need to learn how to be more confident and happy with yourself! I don't think there is any quick fix you're going to find here, which is why I think you might benefit from counselling.

leggo

Thing is, telling the OP his feelings are normal, while comforting for him short-term, may not be helpful because he’s here due to him being unhappy with the end result. Maybe he doesn’t want to find that ‘special someone’ who understands all of this right now, maybe he doesn’t even know what he wants and needs experience to figure that out, maybe he wants to be comfortable sleeping with someone and confident in his abilities before meeting that person.

OP if you’re happy with everything else aside from what people think, then take everyone’s word here as fact because it is: there is nothing wrong with anything you’ve said.

But remove all notions of what society expects from you: what do YOU want to happen in your life next here? Do you want to ride 100 different women? Do you want to meet someone who understands and accepts your current level of experience? Do you want to get better in bed? Or do you just want to carry on as you are and be reassured you’re not strange? What’s the end result you’re looking for posting here?

Mokuba

What are the odds that the "one" often ends up living near you, in a world with a population of 4 or so billion adults.

I wouldn't worry about all the talk of that one or special person.

As leggo said, society will try to shame you for what you are looking to do, but there is nothing wrong with consensual sex between adults, and nothing wrong about being open with your pursuit of it.

In fact I would say that it is good to get experience with many different women so that you know exactly what you want, when the time comes and you are ready to be with just one. Or maybe that time never comes.

Anyway the answer you seek is in self improvement. And you have to be truly dedicated. Gym/ Diet/ Hobbies/ Sport/ Reading. Say yes to things that you used to say no to (I don't mean drugs, but like a yoga class or running group). Cut out things like mindless browsing of the internet, binging Netflix. Stop binging social media all day. Cut out porn because it gives you unrealistic expectations of women and takes away your drive to find a real one.

Make your life as busy, interesting and fulfilling as possible, with constant self improvement, and you will find what you seek.

Mokuba

I almost forgot the most important bit. Do it for you. If you want to have sex with loads of different women, do it for you, not because of what your peers might think. Or because its what idiots on the TV are doing.

Who cares what other people think? If you walk through life doing things because of what you think you should do, or what you think other people think you should do (that is a mouthful), then you are not going to have a good life.

If you want to take on the advice I gave above, do it for you because you know it is the way to be a better you. Not because its what I think you should do.

GingerLily

Mokuba wrote: »

Anyway the answer you seek is in self improvement. And you have to be truly dedicated. Gym/ Diet/ Hobbies/ Sport/ Reading. Say yes to things that you used to say no to (I don't mean drugs, but like a yoga class or running group). Cut out things like mindless browsing of the internet, binging Netflix. Cut out porn because it gives you unrealistic expectations of women and takes away your drive to find a real one.

Make your life as busy, interesting and fulfilling as possible, with constant self improvement, and you will find what you seek.

Did you read the OP? He is able to get and fool around with women, he just doesn't feel comfortable sleeping with them right away.

Why do so many thread from males end up with "go to the gym" style answers?


OP, I think you need to do some soul searching and figure out what you actually want and how you want to live - maybe see a counselor - because it sounds like this is about a lot more than sex....

Mokuba

GingerLily wrote: »

Did you read the OP? He is able to get and fool around with women, he just doesn't feel comfortable sleeping with them right away.

Why do so many thread from males end up with "go to the gym" style answers?


OP, I think you need to do some soul searching and figure out what you actually want and how you want to live - maybe see a counselor - because it sounds like this is about a lot more than sex....

The go to the gym type ( basic self improvement more like) answers are applicable to similar situations with men because self improvement is always hugely beneficial. Looking after your body and stimulating your mind leads to so many positive outcomes in all walks of life.

He obviously feels that he isn't able to "get" women to the same standard as many others. What I have said will help him do that. Something a bit different from the "wait for the one" advice that has been peddled all over the thread.

I'd also ask the OP, is the not feeling comfortable a "performance" issue?

GingerLily

Mokuba wrote: »

The go to the gym type ( basic self improvement more like) answers are applicable to similar situations with men because self improvement is always hugely beneficial. Looking after your body and stimulating your mind leads to so many positive outcomes in all walks of life.

He obviously feels that he isn't able to "get" women to the same standard as many others. What I have said will help him do that. Something a bit different from the "wait for the one" advice that has been peddled all over the thread.

I'd also ask the OP, is the not feeling comfortable a "performance" issue?

But you have no idea of his physical activity level currently is? Going to the gym is an incredibly simplistic solution to a clearly much greater issue.

Mokuba

GingerLily wrote: »

But you have no idea of his physical activity level currently is? Going to the gym is an incredibly simplistic solution to a clearly much greater issue.

Its one thing out of many pieces of advice I gave. I don't know are you being deliberately obtuse in focusing on it. Part of a whole package of overall self improvement, which will help him if his goal is to become more sexually experienced.

Quite obviously if he is already going regularly he can disregard it and attempt to build hobbies/eliminate bad habits, or fix his diet to get maximum benefit.

If he is already doing all of those things then I'm sure he will say so. I suspect he isn't.

I'm sure he is capable of picking out what does and doesn't apply to him from a list of recommendations. Which I have also said were just my opinion. He has been given others which he is perfectly entitled to go with instead. Or none, as the case may end up being.

Anyway OP can take my advice or ignore it, I'm not continuing this specific debate any further.

LegacyUser

Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm a 32 year old female and I've only slept with 4 people. I had a mini mid life crisis when I broke up with one of my long term boyfriends and had a one night stand. Let me tell you,it is not what it's cracked up to be. I'd much rather be in a relationship with sex that is amazing because you know what eachother likes.
There's nothing wrong with paying the field but maybe you're like me and it just isn't you?