Taking rejection badly - low self esteem

LegacyUser

Hey everybody,

Long story short, I was out with my 'crush' for two nights on the trot this weekend. I'm Irish, she is from continental Europe. We are part of an extended group of friends and acquaintances. On Friday, I got hammered drunk, was a bit incoherent at the end of the night, got a lift home (probably made a eejit of myself) and on Saturday took it easy and had one or two beers. On the Saturday, I asked her out for a coffee to which she didn't respond but was debating it in her head. During the silence, I asked for her number to which she said that we are already both connected on social media etc. That was fine and I departed shortly after. I was very disappointed as I only asked for a coffee or number and we were getting on so well for weeks before that. Others referenced that she was flirting with me etc.

I think she is beautiful, intelligent and a lovely person. She is well within her rights not to want to grab a coffee with me sometime but the rejection has hit me hard which why I think that I may have self-esteem issues. I need to lose some weight (about 10kg if I am honest) and I have been dealing with a lot in my personal life (parents with anxiety, work being busy and I am living in a foreign city too) so I am fairly sure that is contributing to how bad I am feeling.

I need help with a few things if that's okay:

1) How can I deal with the rejection better? How do you deal with it?
2) Is there anything that I can do to help my self-esteem? I suppose lose the weight would be the first thing.
3) I would love to drop the weight and go on a date with this lady, but that is a pipe dream surely? Despite the fact she didn't say 'no', it is a rejection and I need to drop the fanciful notions of getting with her or trying again a few months down the line if we meet again?

The issues are with me, naturally, rather than the lady in question. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Jasper_

1) Rejection will always suck. But as you get older you really will come to terms that you simply aren't for everybody.

2) Maximise what you have. Get yourself in good shape. Work on getting a good career. Surround yourself with positive people. Do more of what you love to do.

3) Look past this girl. Understand that the traits you find attractive in her are also in many, many other girls. Widen your social circle and go out more.

Augme

Stop putting women you meet on such massive pedestals.

jimbobalob309

rejection is tough no matter what state your self esteem is in.

Why not use it to leverage yourself a bit, you clearly don't feel good about the extra weight so why not channel all these feelings into a serious effort to get fit and hit the gym, it'll give the confidence a boost and you'l probably start attracting a bit more female attention too.

wiggle16

Rejection is a horrible feeling, but don't take it personally (I know that sounds weird). It doesn't sound like it was anything you did wrong - she could have her sights on someone else, maybe she isn't looking for anything right now, maybe you just weren't her cup of tea.

All of which still feels crap, but seriously, you can't dwell on rejection because it never goes anywhere: it's very seldom anyone ever gets told why the other person just doesn't feel the same, and often there's no real reason. The other person just isn't interested. So, honestly, don't ruminate on it or beat yourself up over it.

1) The initial feeling of rejection will always hit you like a slap in the face, and there's no getting away from it. But it might help to stop and just think, who is really losing out here? You really liked this girl - therefore you know how nice you would've been and how much effort you would've put in on a date and how you would've done your best to make sure she enjoyed herself, because you liked her and wanted her to like you. She wasn't interested, and that's fine, but she lost out on that. And that's not as egotistical as it sounds - it's not that you're great or you have something other lads don't, it's that you were willing to put yourself out there and make an effort. You should not feel bad about that just because she decided not to take you up on the offer.
I don't know if that will make sense to you but that's how I rationalise it (actually my initial reaction to rejection is usually to sulk like a little boy, but you can skip that bit).

2) As the posters above say, if you're not happy with your weight, then losing weight can only help your self esteem. It sounds corny, but "set goals" - maybe try to learn a new language (great way to meet people, particularly since you are living abroad) or try to visit as many places in your city as you can. The things that affect self esteem are obviously different for everyone, but I think it always helps if you feel like you spend your time well, or can say that you try to.

3) You need to move on from her. She might be a lovely person but at the end of the day she made it clear that for whatever reason, she wasn't interested and, at the risk of sounding harsh, you need to respect that too. You mentioned that your friends "referenced that she was flirting" and I completely understand the temptation to hang onto that, but I wouldn't pay any attention to that: either your friends were getting it wrong or she was leading you on, and it really doesn't matter, since she gave you the answer in the end. Lovely, beautiful, intelligent people are ten a penny, you will find plenty of women who will tick those boxes so don't waste your time dwelling on this one.

I hope at least some of this was helpful and that you feel better soon OP