Sex party, have you ever been?

KathleenGrant

Some great fiction here in fairness.

Pero_Bueno

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

...... had a horn on me that you could use to round up a busload of bewildered pensioners in Lourdes with.



....:

:D:D:D

Samuel T. Cogley

LOL swingers.ie had to shutdown due to GDPR. There's a ****ed joke in there somewhere.

AllForIt

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Some great fiction here in fairness.

I think it's more satire than fiction. I fear everyone knows the sort of person these hilarious posts are alluding too. Proper alpha men - in their tiny minds anyway.

It's interesting to me whether these sorts should be considered out and out misogynists or are they just low brow common numbskulls.

Ipso

Remember in college when you'd look forward to a party; in your head it was a house full of birds and saddling up, reality a load of lads sitting on a crap couch drinking cheap beer.

DickSwiveller

Ipso wrote: »

Remember in college when you'd look forward to a party; in your head it was a house full of birds and saddling up, reality a load of lads sitting on a crap couch drinking cheap beer.

Ye, listening to Oasis on **** speakers from Argos.

JupiterKid

Yes I've been to a couple of sex parties and orgies. The gay male scene is not devoid of them. Lost weekends in Berlin and Amsterdam. Not really my thing these days. I find threesomes much better.

Sex parties are often not as great as people imagine them to be. Often a small few get all the action and the others are quickly cast off. Lots of bystanders and those who simply like to watch. But don't overdo the drugs and drink and wear a raincoat unless you want to get a nasty surprise at your next visit to an STD clinic.

And they're not for everyone. It seems these days we all have to be sexual athletes when many if not most of us just want love and intimacy. You won't find these at sex parties.


Lots of great fiction in this thread.:D Keep it coming JohnnyFlash and Pintman Paddy Losty! I’m particularly looking forward to your blow by blow account of all night sessions with a bunch of hot Jewish princesses in the Beverly Hills Wiltshire penthouse suite. Those golf trips to Portugal must be getting just a tad boring at this stage...

Hector Savage

Not fiction !!!
Creative with the writing sure, but I believe them all !!

Hector Savage

JohnnyFlash greatest hits !!

You're welcome

in my early 50’s and have no problem pulling a young one for a good ride over the staying course, if you catch my drift? Broke up with my witch of an ex-wife about a year ago, and it’s the best thing I ever did. Figured out there’s more to life than getting the ride twice a year from a whale who looks like that Jo Brand one off the telly.

Pulled a young one recently and she was mad for cock. Hardly had the slacks around me ankles and she was gobbling me like it contained the secret to eternal life. Let me do her up the council gritter as well. Happy memories.

. My ex wife wasn’t a bad looking bird when I married her, but the years were much kinder to me than they have been with her. And sex became a chore. Nothing better than pulling a gamey young one 20 years younger than you and having her stick a thumb up your hole while she’s blowing you. Better than any fūxking marriage Councilling I can tell you.

I’d divorce the auld mare in the morning if I could, horse. We are separated and living apart. She’s sitting in eating her body weight in ice cream, and i’M out having the time of my life. Up to me conkers in clunge most weekends.

As for having nothing between my legs. Don’t like to boast buddy, but there’s been no complains so far. Lost the belly, waxed me balls, and trimmed the pubes as well. Mansplaining I think it’s called.

Having some bird pulling on your pole in the back of a taxi on the way back to her place is better than any antidepressant....

Wouldn’t get too worried mate. No offense, but some of the lads around here wouldn’t know what to do if there was a gooter staring them in the face. Some of them would probably try and swipe a credit card through it so they could buy a new computer game.

Brought the two young lads to the races today. Fine bit of skirt there. One of the young lads has a right eye for the women, the tongue was hanging out of the little fücker, like a Jack Russell in heat. Bit of a jack the lad I’d say. Will be breaking hearts and mattresses like his auld lad!

That aimed at me amigo?? Nothing wrong with a game of golf, plenty of world class courses in this country, and very affordable to play compared to the rest of the world. Certainly a more healthy pursuit than sitting inside pretending to be a dragon slayer on the xbox before watching porn while beating the cock off yourself like it owed you money....

ou implying that you banged me ex-wife - pal? Rather you than me to be honest, but whatever gets you off. Be hard to touch the sides anyway: she has a fanny on her like a ripped out fireplace and is as dry as an old dog’s nose. Any port in a storm for yourself I suppose. Beats another date with Guru Palm and the five pillars of wisdom.

Jesuit was he? Don't know what they taught them in Maynooth but some of them would get up on the carcass of a roast chicken.

Anyone know what Rain nightclub in Portabello is like?? I hear it's for over 30s only and that they play classic hits from the 80s. Might head for a look and see if some bird is up for a fingering while Lady in Red by Chris De Burg is playing.

Originally Posted by Pintman Paddy Losty View Post
Nothing worse than pulling a minter of a bird only to find out she has a rancid fanny. Seen some awful specimens in my day. Ones that look like a ham, cheese and pube toastie being peeled opened. Noxious fent of sour mackrel off the thing. Still though, when a man has a horn after a tray of pints he'll stick his love truncheon up anything. As long as its well wrapped it's all good.
Like a half eaten doner kebab dropped on a barbershop floor.

When is this golfing trip planned anyways Patrick? Would you ever get worried that one of the lads would break the vow of silence, and spill all to his missus when he gets back?? I'd say you'd want to vet them first to make sure they know what the story is. Need real swordsmen heading over, and not some softcock who gets remorseful when he lands back in the marriage bed.

All sound advice there Paddy. You strike me as the sort of man who knows which way to put on his chinos in the morning. The ex-wife had a group of friends that were as miserable as she was - belligerent auld crones. Now one of my mates has a cracking wife - late 40's, but got the tits done during the Celtic Tiger. Say she'd such a golf ball through a straw. Has that glint in her eye that would give you a stiffy like a teenage boy on a bumpy bus.

You mentioedn in one of your earlier posts that you weren't a fan of a hairy clunge. Shows you how out of touch I was - thought a woman having a fanny on her like a gorilla autopsy was the norm. The fúcking eyes nearly popped out of me head when I first saw one that looked like Kojak's ear - not a ****ing pube to be seen.

...hen I first pulled a bird as a newly single man. Went back to her place in Clonskeagh, and soon she was pulling away at it like she was tryin' to start an old lawnmower after a cold winter. Told her to calm down for a minute and got me thoughts together. Wasnt long before I had the tip of the bell at the 'stagedoor entrance' and was quick enough to get me old rythmn going. Nearly burned me arse off the lightbulb on the ceiling by the time I was finished. As I said, better than any fúcking antidepressant.

woody on me that you could bate a bullock out of a boghole with. Good set of clockweights on me as well.

Have a preference for the younger birds so won;t be there long if its trying to match me with an auld one with saggy tits and a mouth like a tomcats arsehole.

confident that once I get a boner you could hang a theatre curtain on, and get into a optimal position,then I’m like one of those rower brothers from cork - long, confident , well timed strokes. In and out in rhythm and guaranteed to be exhausted by the end ......

Memories in the wankbank are enough for me if I find myself in a famine in the future. Not happening at the momet I'm glad to see. Raw from saw at the moment!!!

Might have to take a Brillo pad to me flute to get the lipstick stains off. Sampled the old devils dandruff for the first time as well.Wouldn’t want to have a bad ticker indulging in 5 or 6 fat lines of that stuff, Brendan.

Don't know about Pintman, but I was sniffing around Temple Bar after the game like a fúcking tomcat in heat. You'd pay through the nose for a pint down there, but it's where the action is. Soon got chatting to a couple of fat-arsed ones from Wales. Great craic so they were. Bought them a few drinks, and we were roaring drunk by the end of the night. One of them took a shine to me, bird in her mid-30's. She was wearing a Wales top, but I could see she had a fine set of fun bags on her underneath. Turns out she was recently sepearted from a 'softcock named Alun'. I suggested we head back to her hotel for a raid of the minibar.

Fúck me, but she was some goer. The language on her was out of this world, calling me a 'Irish cnut' and 'don't give up on me now Johnny, you fúcking spud muncher'. It was nearly worn down to the stump by the time we finished. Was hanging when I woke up, but helped meself to the buffet for breakfast this morning. Got her number, so I might catch up with her if I'm ever in Cardiff.

till get a full horn when I start thinking of the filthy-mouthed Welsh bird with the chunky arse that I was ploughing it into the weekend before last. Hope to be in a ruck with a Scottish bird sometime this weekend. At least 30 phases of play if you catch my drift?......


...
Still tippin’ along nicely, lads, you’ll be glad to know. Was at the Leinster game on Saturday, and made a beeline down to Searsons straight afterwards. Only had Murphy’s and Heineken at the ground, so had a vicious lip on me for proper porter. Tore into the pints with the lads. Plenty of skirt around, and I soon had a horn on me that you could herd bullocks into a shed with.

Got chatting out in the smoking area to a bird from Milltown. Mid-30’s, bit too much makeup, but a good laugh. Quickly realised that Johnny would be accompanying her home. Fûck me, but she was mad for pipe. Had me straight up the stairs and into the boudoir. Expressed her pleasure at the fact I’d done some manscaping ‘down below’. Wasn’t long before she was attacking the area like it was a ice cream cone on a very hot day. Proceeded to the main event, and ye’ll be glad to know that I put in a medal winning performance.

Have a semi now even thinking about it! Straight into the top shelf of the wankbank library.

Good man, Paddy! I'd say the meat baton must be half worn off you at this stage! Presume you used protection at all times, and didn't go 'jousting without a helmet'? Don't want to be getting an unusual patchwork of colours on the bell, and a burning sensation when taking a piss. Nice of that doll to be sending you pictures of her fanny as well. You must have made an impression. Presume it's a neat and tidy one, and not something that looks like a gorilla autopsy gone wrong?



Was up at that Rory Gallagher festival in Donegal over the weekend with two lads I went to school with. Don't want to boast, but I was in far better condition than most of the lads of my vintage at the festival. Lots of fat lads in their 50's with the bald patch and ponytail combo, leather waistcoats, 80's rock band t-shirts.



Wouldn't be my scene really, but was down at the festival 'big top' on Sunday evening. Was hoovering back the Guinness like it was my last chance to ever try the stuff. Soon got chatting to two birds from Monaghan (think late 30's, early 40's). One of them was a sour auld bitch, and getting a laugh out of her was impossible. She also had a moustache on her like Joey 'The Lips' Fagan from The Commitments. She went off for a piss at one stage, and I was eatin' the face off her friend within 20 seconds. Ended up going back to the hotel with the pair of them. Made advantage of the late bar, and I was full to the brim with porter by 2am. Managed to get rid of auld sour puss, and headed to the chambers of the other one. We were both well drunk, but I put in a fine performance after initially struggling to get 'one up'. She had a very naughty vocabulary after I mounted her, and I soon had a horn on me that you could use to round up a busload of bewildered pensioners in Lourdes with.



Dying of a hangover yesterday, and your one was giving out fierce for all the farting and teeth grinding I did after falling asleep. My hole was fûcking toxic all day yesterday in fairness. Didn't take her number, and I'm fúcking fine with that to be honest. A good-looking lad like myself can afford to be more discerning. Women love a fella with a bit of confidence, the gift of the gab, and with a good girthy schlong.

Hotblack Desiato

JupiterKid wrote: »

blow by blow account

badum-tish

Debtocracy

Me wang de bollocks
Her gash gushing on me patch
Blow a pintful of Paddy
On her Estonian snatch

somesoldiers

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

One of the birds introduced me to Snapchat. She's sending me pics of her gash on a daily basis since i cane home. Might arrange a "business trip" to get out to see her again in the near future.

SnapTwat?

MattressRick

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Some great fiction here in fairness.

Johnny puts a lot of time into his posts, dreaming, editing....😀

Pero_Bueno

JohnnyFlash and Pintman ? any good tales (true of course) ?

Ally Dick

I'm sure this will be the next development of Tinder

Pug160

What are people actually talking about here? Swingers parties or ''gentleman's parties?'' I haven't been to either but I know one of them would leave you with a lighter wallet.

Jimmy.

Is it the motorway meet where they jizz on each other’s bmws?

ConnyMcDavid

Hector Savage wrote: »

JohnnyFlash greatest hits !!

You're welcome

He's the common man version of Aonghus.

adam88

I’ve nevef heard of as many sex partiesxarranged over Xmas or planned for nye. Crazy stuff

whiskeyman

adam88 wrote: »

I’ve nevef heard of as many sex partiesxarranged over Xmas or planned for nye. Crazy stuff

The big fat lad with a beard comes only once a year...

Balanadan

I'm too busy getting laid to go to sex parties.

RobertKK

It's hard knowing what to wear at a sex party.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

adam88 wrote: »

I’ve nevef heard of as many sex partiesxarranged over Xmas or planned for nye. Crazy stuff

Don't knock it until..

RobertKK

RobertKK wrote: »

It's hard knowing what to wear at a sex party.

I once went to one dressed as a premature ejaculation.....
























I came in my underwear :pac:

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Deleted User wrote: »

I once went to one dressed as a premature ejaculation.....
























I came in my underwear :pac:

Welcome to the premature ejaculation help awareness hotline...












.... please hold...

Pintman Paddy Losty

One piece of advice when going to sex parties or visiting professional women is to only go based on solid recommendations.

Ended up back in a flat with a bird a couple of days ago. I was walking around the ilac centre and ended up with the horn of gondor on me looking at young ones going around in yoga pants. Got straight on the escort website and just picked the first one I saw. No due diligence done.

Terrible experience. She was Romanian or Bulgarian or something. Must have been well in to her late 30s. Definitely had a good few miles on the clock by the time I got to her. Head like a melted wellie. Thick troweled on make up and a cheap lipstick. Smell of Adidas sport perfume. Nearly turned on my heels but hadn't time to find another bird.

Tried chatting to her. Barely spoke English. Didn't find any of my jokes funny. Obviously went over her head. Normally I like to have a bit of a laugh with the birds I score but not this day. I just got down to business. Whipped off the wranglers and went to get started. She had a fanny like a hippos yawn. A hippo with a scraggly beard and questionable hygiene. Aroma that would curdle milk. Desperate stuff.

First time ever I backed out at that point. Made my apologies and left. Was in foul humour for the evening. So word of warning. Do your due diligence before attending sex parties or one on one no strings attached stuff.

AndrewJRenko

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

One piece of advice when going to sex parties or visiting professional women is to only go based on solid recommendations.

Ended up back in a flat with a bird a couple of days ago. I was walking around the ilac centre and ended up with the horn of gondor on me looking at young ones going around in yoga pants. Got straight on the escort website and just picked the first one I saw. No due diligence done.

Does 'due diligence' include making sure that you're not supporting sex trafficking?

Gimme A Pound

No I haven't. It's my idea of grim.

Fiftyfilthy

Met a woman on tinder last fri afternoon , never met prior

20 mins was riding her in the adult cinema on Dorset st

Really enjoyed the experience

Pac1Man

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

One piece of advice when going to sex parties or visiting professional women is to only go based on solid recommendations.

Pintman Paddy Losty had a walk around the shop,
He felt something growing and couldn't make it stop.
He made his way home and with his patience almost gone,
He dialled the wrong number and ended up with a hippo's yawn.