Rubbish corporate talk

Ipso

The Rape of Lucretia wrote: »

The only one that trumps it is 'Director of Change and Engagement'.

Aer Lingus has one. If ever a job title advertised that a company hasnt changed in decades and has serious HR gulf between management and workers, this must be it. I would have thought even if such a post were necessary, any company would be too embarrassed by the need to actually call it so.

You would really have to like playing Solitaire all day long to take that job.

mfceiling

You think it's corporate but it's happening everywhere.

I work in construction and it's creeping in...

"We need to double down our efforts"
"Can we take a step back and re-focus"
"Guys where are we failing you?"

Yeah fcuk off, I'm having a cup of tea here.

stateofflux

"can we action this item?"
"we will propose a design solution to meet client requirements"
"lets get this boxed off"
"we will touch base to ensure we are singing off the same hymn sheet"

popular bollox expressions in my office

seachto7

Advertising industry is full of this jargon

MAJJ

"Need to wrap our arms and legs around this. " VP in multinational I kid you not
Also, 10,000 foot view

nullzero

cumulonimbus wrote: »

Referring to people as 'resources'

Heard an apprentice being referred to as a "junior resource" some time ago, from someone who loves a bit of jargon, even by their standards it was cringe worthy.

MAJJ

MAJJ wrote: »

"Need to wrap our arms and legs around this. " VP in multinational I kid you not
Also, 10,000 foot view

Ok wtf does this mean

The Rape of Lucretia

stateofflux wrote: »

"can we action this item?"
"we will propose a design solution to meet client requirements"
"lets get this boxed off"
"we will touch base to ensure we are singing off the same hymn sheet"

I dont know. Its popular to knock and crib about these types of phrases. But I think while there is a feeling of clunkiness to many of them, and many, especially the USA origin sports one also have an offputting odour of posturing, they do actually serve a purpose. They fill in gaps or failings in the English language, where a particular concept just hasnt developped a special purpose word of its own. So we end up with these borrowed words or canned phrases.

- 'Actioning' an item does convey a stronger sense of the effort or responsibility someone will have to put into something rather than just 'doing' something.

- A 'solution' is handy when no specific term exists for the product/service/work that the customer will gain from : something that isnt simply covered by the old outputs of work like milk, a loan, or your windows cleaned.

- 'boxed off' is a nice way of saying something fully under control or completed within a given set of parameters, when there is a possibility that it can get entangled in other elements and not be finished as a result of those complications.

- yes, american sporting reference, and we could just say contact. But it does convey a little more, in that there is a specific purpose or point of interest that is to be discussed. Communications in and between todays complex organisations is very difficult, and is difficult to keep in control. That there is 100% agreement on a given topic between various parties, is handily conveyed by the hymmsheet concept.

Colonel Claptrap

Kick to touch.



Infuriating!

4068ac1elhodqr

Edward de Bono had a solution to the bewilderment of evolving new terms linguistics, surprised more corporates don't adopt it.

His book 'The Code Book' ISBN - 0 670 88848 6


- aims to replace phrases with a quick and handy numeric code system

e.g. "10/12". Translates to "I can solve this problem."

The very fact that emergency services and even Chinese restaurants use numerical codes, proves their worth. Works across languages also.

Colonel Claptrap

Rhea Thundering Juror wrote: »

Edward de Bono had a solution to the bewilderment of evolving new terms linguistics, surprised more corporates don't adopt it.

His book 'The Code Book' ISBN - 0 670 88848 6


- aims to replace phrases with a quick and handy numeric code system

e.g. "10/12". Translates to "I can solve this problem."

The very fact that emergency services and even Chinese restaurants use numerical codes, proves their worth. Works across languages also.

My cringy boss from Thurles (but thinks he's american) uses 10-4. Does that count?

4068ac1elhodqr

Colonel Claptrap wrote: »

My cringy boss from Thurles (but thinks he's american) uses 10-4. Does that count?

Kind of if he drives around in an 80's Ford Cortina with a 27mhz CB Radio and twangy magnetic aerial on the roof.

Can respond with:
10-6: Busy, stand by; 10-3: Stop transmitting; 10-7: Out of service.

cantdecide

Rhea Thundering Juror wrote: »

Can respond with:
10-6: Busy, stand by; 10-3: Stop transmitting; 10-7: Out of service.

Is there one for 'can't reply; self harming'?

Are Am Eye

cantdecide wrote: »

Is there one for 'can't reply; self harming'?

"I can't revert to you right now, as I've thrown myself out of the helicopter in the blue sky, and I'm about to get a 100mph drilled down introduction to the ground.

dxhound2005

cantdecide wrote: »

Is there one for 'can't reply; self harming'?

Don't do that good buddy. Have some body lotion (drink) and chill. You don't want to end up in the body shop (hospital).

topper75

Rezident wrote: »

"Deliverables" - What about your 'deliverables'?

Trying to change an adjective into a noun.

stateofflux wrote: »

"can we action this item?"

Trying to change a noun into a verb.

Roger Hassenforder

Are Am Eye wrote: »

"I can't revert to you right now, as I've thrown myself out of the helicopter in the blue sky, and I'm about to get a 100mph drilled down introduction to the ground.

Open your kimono

It'll slow you down

Ipso

Run point!

robyntmorton

“Culture Starting Paradigm Shift”

Though all of these things are such PHB terms (no offence, Roger Hassenforder )

Are Am Eye

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

Open your kimono

It'll slow you down

I'm supposing to be killing myself, if you were following the posts, not slowing down. Go talk fashion with your girlfriends.

wally1990

Franz Von Peppercorn wrote: »

You sound like a man who uses this language.

One group of people who do use it a lot are recruiters. Who are spoofers.

Recruiters love this *hit talk

Roger Hassenforder

Are Am Eye wrote: »

I'm supposing to be killing myself, if you were following the posts, not slowing down. Go talk fashion with your girlfriends.

You'll get no traction with your co-ompetitors if you dont come to Jesus and open your kimono for full Tiger Team visibility. No point eating your own dog food as you're herding cats in the sandbox.

Ipso

wally1990 wrote: »

Recruiters love this *hit talk

Recruiters are like the abandoned children of double glazing sales men and door to door evangelisers. [Alan Partidge voice] Scum, sub human scum.

DeanAustin

Aglomerado wrote: »

"Vision"

Just fúck off.

Anyone who says it deserves to be deprived of said sense by having their eyeballs ripped out and shoved up their arses. :mad:

Agreed. “Strategy” is another one that’s completely overused. Everyone wants their job to be “strategic”. Usually the type that want to overthink a problem rather than actually do something to fix it.

cmac2009

https://www.theguardian.com/news/2017/nov/23/from-inboxing-to-thought-showers-how-business-bull****-took-over

Great article on this subject. Long but interesting

ygolometsipe

The most depressing one is
"Brown Bag Meeting" it's basically a meeting during lunch. It's ****ing soul destroying corporate bullsh1t.
I've only ever seen the suck-up middle management do it, they cream themselves over impressing there boss with "dynamic team focused synergetic team building exercises" to create "hybrid visionary out side the box disrupter ideas" or fast paced dynamic solutions to customer facing problems or some ****..

It's sad really, there institutionalized and don't see it. It might add a tiny bit more money if the boss pets them with a little raise and a biscuit.

Lol I hate the corporate world sometimes!!!

the_syco

thelad95 wrote: »

What stupid corporate talk do you hate? The following phrases are meaningless rubbish:

I’ll revert back to you in due course...
Going forward....
Touch base with you on that....
Explore new avenues.....
Really exciting space....
By close of play.....
Take this offline....
Briefing/Debriefing....

All just said to make corporate middlemen feel vaguely important.

Going forward, we will touch base with you to explore new avenues. By close of day, we home that we can take this offline, and have the debriefing in a really exciting space as we explore new avenues.

Pac1Man

You're a gee hair off there Padraig.

February twenty one.

rather than " the 21st of February"

the_syco

ygolometsipe wrote: »

The most depressing one is
"Brown Bag Meeting" it's basically a meeting during lunch. It's ****ing soul destroying corporate bullsh1t.

One of our offices does a version of this. Except they call it "Wing Friday", and we gorge on 2lbs of wings and fries, whilst having a drink.

splinter65

Colonel Claptrap wrote: »

My cringy boss from Thurles (but thinks he's american) uses 10-4. Does that count?

“That’s a big 10/4 there buddy!”

Ipso

splinter65 wrote: »

“That’s a big 10/4 there buddy!”

Over, Rubber duck!

conorhal

ygolometsipe wrote: »

The most depressing one is
"Brown Bag Meeting" it's basically a meeting during lunch. It's ****ing soul destroying corporate bullsh1t.
I've only ever seen the suck-up middle management do it, they cream themselves over impressing there boss with "dynamic team focused synergetic team building exercises" to create "hybrid visionary out side the box disrupter ideas" or fast paced dynamic solutions to customer facing problems or some ****..

It's sad really, there institutionalized and don't see it. It might add a tiny bit more money if the boss pets them with a little raise and a biscuit.

Lol I hate the corporate world sometimes!!!

Were Dante writing today he would have a special 10th level of hell for people that organize meetings at lunch time.

I'm also sick of hearing how 'we need to do more with less'.

Nobody does more with less, you do less with less.
And why does less always mean less front-line staff, practical resources and the training that allows you to do your job, but it never seems to mean less of the ever burgeoning class of middle management or their multiplying processes, forms and meetings.

stateofflux

The Rape of Lucretia wrote: »

I dont know. Its popular to knock and crib about these types of phrases. But I think while there is a feeling of clunkiness to many of them, and many, especially the USA origin sports one also have an offputting odour of posturing, they do actually serve a purpose. They fill in gaps or failings in the English language, where a particular concept just hasnt developped a special purpose word of its own. So we end up with these borrowed words or canned phrases.

- 'Actioning' an item does convey a stronger sense of the effort or responsibility someone will have to put into something rather than just 'doing' something.

- A 'solution' is handy when no specific term exists for the product/service/work that the customer will gain from : something that isnt simply covered by the old outputs of work like milk, a loan, or your windows cleaned.

- 'boxed off' is a nice way of saying something fully under control or completed within a given set of parameters, when there is a possibility that it can get entangled in other elements and not be finished as a result of those complications.

- yes, american sporting reference, and we could just say contact. But it does convey a little more, in that there is a specific purpose or point of interest that is to be discussed. Communications in and between todays complex organisations is very difficult, and is difficult to keep in control. That there is 100% agreement on a given topic between various parties, is handily conveyed by the hymmsheet concept.

nah, they are bollox overused and vague expressions that are not really essential in modern business interaction. in my experience straight talk simple everyday english always wins for sincere communication and mutual understanding.

Roger Hassenforder

the_syco wrote: »

One of our offices does a version of this. Except they call it "Wing Friday", and we gorge on 2lbs of wings and fries, whilst having a drink.

im not sure is that heaven or hell...

jk23

Drumpot wrote: »

“Meeting Consumer needs” roughly translated as “how can we sell our crap to as many people as possible”.

100% agree with this and also the phrase how we “consume television” 🀬

dollybird2

pick the low hanging fruit - makes my ears bleed

swim lanes - its a f●●kn diagram

Actioning items...

Hector Bellend

cumulonimbus wrote: »

Referring to people as 'resources'

I usually replace "resource" withe the appropriate swear word.

B.A._Baracus

It's funny.
Reading this thread and the BS people come out with I couldn't help but think about an episode of Only Fools and Horses. You know the one where del, rodney cassandra and her boss are playing trivial pursuit and rodney hates her boss because he is a yuppie that comes out with stupid sayings as "let me run this past you ya" etc.

Pretty sure it was the Golly Boys Outing episode which was 1989, so I guess there will always be BS office terms. No matter what decade we live in.

Aglomerado

dollybird2 wrote: »

pick the low hanging fruit - makes my ears bleed

swim lanes - its a f●●kn diagram

Actioning items...

Lean Six Sigma and Gantt charts...'twould DMAIC you sick...:o

DeanAustin

When the f**k did ‘Recruitment’ become ‘Talent Acquisition’.

Seriously? F**king ****.

irish bloke

We need to take a deep dive
Shoulder to the wheel

badboyblast

ygolometsipe wrote: »

The most depressing one is
"Brown Bag Meeting" it's basically a meeting during lunch. It's ****ing soul destroying corporate bullsh1t.
I've only ever seen the suck-up middle management do it, they cream themselves over impressing there boss with "dynamic team focused synergetic team building exercises" to create "hybrid visionary out side the box disrupter ideas" or fast paced dynamic solutions to customer facing problems or some ****..

It's sad really, there institutionalized and don't see it. It might add a tiny bit more money if the boss pets them with a little raise and a biscuit.

Lol I hate the corporate world sometimes!!!

The name might be a bit douche but the concept is really good as it gets a senior manager in front of general workers who they may never meet and they can express any issues they have etc and vice versa

badboyblast

conorhal wrote: »

Were Dante writing today he would have a special 10th level of hell for people that organize meetings at lunch time.

I'm also sick of hearing how 'we need to do more with less'.

Nobody does more with less, you do less with less.
And why does less always mean less front-line staff, practical resources and the training that allows you to do your job, but it never seems to mean less of the ever burgeoning class of middle management or their multiplying processes, forms and meetings.

Lean allows you to do more with less get with the times

Gaoth Laidir

Leverage
Synergies
Adjacencies
White spots (apparently it means new opportunities in the market or some such ****e)
Quick wins
Low-hanging fruit
Reach out
Take offline
Going forward now seems to be replaced by moving forward.

There are others but I can't think of them right now.

Ash.J.Williams

Swimlanes

Tell me how

badboyblast wrote:

Lean allows you to do more with less get with the times

Lean is so 2005.
Innovation is the buzzword now. No matter what you're doing, it's innovative. Doesn't matter if it's same thing you've always been doing, you just didn't realise it was innovative before. But now you do.

Fann Linn

Entrepreneurs.

Ubbquittious

Performance improvement plan

Has anyone ever successfully recovered from one or is it the corporate worlds' way of sending a fella into a race with a fistful of pine needles in his shoes?

Gaoth Laidir

Al work we had projects focusing on trying to reduce the cost of our products. We used to call them "cost-saving projects", because that's what they are.

But then a manager said no, I want you to call them "cost-optimization" (with a z, cos you're no one if you don't use US English). Now in the past month yet another manager has said no, let's call it "GP1 Management". I'm now a GP1 Manager...