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Overnight access issues

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  • 24-03-2018 9:14pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi all, going unreg for this.

    I currently have weekend access to my son, early Saturday morning to Sunday evening. He has just turned 4 and this arrangement has been on going for about 10 months with previous access being a full Saturday or Sunday. My relationship with my son's mam is strained at times and the last few years have been a nightmare but getting over night access was absolutely fantastic, for me and my son I believe. It gives us so much time to bond and getting to bath him before bed, read him a story, kiss him good night, etc. has been the most amazing thing I could ever have imagined.

    My issue started a few weeks ago when my son told his mam he wanted to go home to her. He wasn't upset but had asked to go home. This is now a regular occurrence every week. He never requests this when we're together, it's only when his mam rings. Before and after he is absolutely fine. We do something every weekend so he's always having fun. Playground, play centres, zoo, parks, farms, etc.

    I'm at a loss as to what to do now. When he says he wants to go home, do I bring him. My thinking is that while on the phone he misses his mam and for those few minutes he's a bit home sick but after he's absolutely fine. He'll go from jumping around, to "I want to go home mammy" and back to jumping around laughing his head off all in the space of 5 minutes.

    I'm terrified of damaging my relationship with him by refusing.

    I'm so lost. I want to be there for my son, I want our bond to grow and for us to have a great relationship like I had with my dad.

    Thoughts?

    Thanks in advance.


Comments

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    #2
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users Posts: 3,400 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Youre over thinking this, you said yourself he's fine after a few minutes so its nothing to worry about. If he was distressed, crying for hours and screaming for his mammy it would be different but he's not. Also you cant give into everything he wants, over compensating and giving in to every request by him at the drop of a hat will do more harm than good.


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    #3
    Fakediamond
    Registered Users Posts: 1,055 ✭✭✭Fakediamond


    Could anything be bothering him in your place? Does he have night terrors? Are there strange noises/traffic/sirens that could be upsetting him when he tries to sleep there?

    Would his mother consider not phoning him, even for just one of the overnights to see how he gets on? You could always make an agreement that you will phone her if he gets upset and she can then collect him if he can’t settle.


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    #4
    beefburrito
    Closed Accounts Posts: 695 ✭✭✭beefburrito


    You're a great Dad, kid's sometimes are impulsive and I was lucky my sons mum didn't call to see how he was,she just let me pick him up on Friday eve,drop him back Sunday evening.
    He's 17 now and the odd Sunday he wants to go home early.

    Enjoy him while you can they don't be long growing up....

    You're doing all the right things, don't be hard on yourself.


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    #5
    Ghekko
    Closed Accounts Posts: 942 ✭✭✭Ghekko


    I wouldn't bring him home unless he is crying to go home. If he settles fairly quickly after the phone call then he's grand. Does she really need to speak to him every time he's with you? Is she vindictive in any way - could she be asking him if he wants to come home when on the phone?


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    #6
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users Posts: 5,083 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    Do you know what shes saying to him during these phone calls?
    Personally id be in favour of not having the call. At 4 it just reminds him thst mom is elsewhere and its only natural he'll say he misses her. If she's being fair in the phone call and encouraging him to enjoy his stay with you then maybe suggesting that you text her to let her know he's fine/has had a good day/is asleep in bed etc may be less upsetting for him.
    As he gets older he'll find it a whole lot easier. Good luck


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    #7
    SterlingArcher
    Registered Users Posts: 2,767 ✭✭✭SterlingArcher


    You said he forgets all about it after 5 minutes. Not a problem so.

    Have a good bedtime routine. Kids need it.

    Lost dad wrote: »
    I'm terrified of damaging my relationship with him by refusing.


    Thoughts?

    Thanks in advance.

    Here is your real problem. Question this.

    Your son loves and needs you. With this in mind question the above.

    Because without this above hanging over you, you will make the obvious rational decisions regarding what needs to be done.


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Airyfairy12 wrote: »
    Youre over thinking this, you said yourself he's fine after a few minutes so its nothing to worry about. If he was distressed, crying for hours and screaming for his mammy it would be different but he's not. Also you cant give into everything he wants, over compensating and giving in to every request by him at the drop of a hat will do more harm than good.

    Definitely not distressed,.before during or after. No tears or hysterics, he just asks to go home. I am a soft touch with him, something to keep in mind. Thanks
    Fakediamond wrote: »
    Could anything be bothering him in your place? Does he have night terrors? Are there strange noises/traffic/sirens that could be upsetting him when he tries to sleep there?

    Would his mother consider not phoning him, even for just one of the overnights to see how he gets on? You could always make an agreement that you will phone her if he gets upset and she can then collect him if he can’t settle.

    I really don't think so. We have a routine and he falls asleep really quickly after I read a story. No loud noises, has a night light and his few bits from home to help sooth him. Definitely considering asking his mam to not call for a wrekend and see how that goes. Thanks
    beefburrito wrote: »
    You're a great Dad, kid's sometimes are impulsive and I was lucky my sons mum didn't call to see how he was,she just let me pick him up on Friday eve,drop him back Sunday evening.
    He's 17 now and the odd Sunday he wants to go home early.

    Enjoy him while you can they don't be long growing up....

    You're doing all the right things, don't be hard on yourself.

    Thank you.
    Ghekko wrote: »
    I wouldn't bring him home unless he is crying to go home. If he settles fairly quickly after the phone call then he's grand. Does she really need to speak to him every time he's with you? Is she vindictive in any way - could she be asking him if he wants to come home when on the phone?

    She had asked him a few times in previous weeks questions like "are you ok to stay" etc. to which he would reply no so I asked her to stop that and she did but even without prompt he asked to go home last week. Again, no tears, tantrums or distress. After the call we got ready for bed, read a story and he was asleep in minutes. He was exhausted which may have contributed. Thanks


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    #9
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,034 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    She doesn't need to ring him. It's the phone call that is causing the issue. I understand the want to ring him, but the call is more for her benefit than his. I would ask her not to ring and let him settle. Tell her if he wants to speak to her you will obviously let him ring immediately. But I'd say if no phone call is mentioned/suggested it won't even cross his mind.


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    #10
    racso1975
    Registered Users Posts: 5,273 ✭✭✭racso1975


    Out of interest can you hear the phone calls? Does he use the loud speaker?


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    #11
    renmorenewbie
    Registered Users Posts: 46 ✭renmorenewbie


    I'm guessing call is in evening closer to bedtime. I'd suggest the closer it is to bedtime the more likely it is for him to say he wants to go home.

    I'm not in same situation as you but can happen with any kid going on a sleepover.
    The closer to bedtime more likely to want to go home after speaking to parent.

    How about you agree to call her earlier especially when hes busy or about to do something.


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    #12
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    Lost dad wrote: »
    She had asked him a few times in previous weeks questions like "are you ok to stay" etc. to which he would reply no so I asked her to stop that and she did but even without prompt he asked to go home last week. Again, no tears, tantrums or distress. After the call we got ready for bed, read a story and he was asleep in minutes. He was exhausted which may have contributed. Thanks

    Is your ex cooperative, it sounds like she is? Can you ask her to distract him or find a nice excuse why he should stay if he asks again?


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    #13
    Dog walker 1234
    Registered Users Posts: 1,283 ✭✭✭Dog walker 1234


    Your son is 4. It is natural for him to want what is familiar to him. Don't give in so easily. As you say there is no tears etc and he settles again.

    It is very easy at that age for a parent to pull at the heart strings, without asking straight out with 'Do you want to come home?' etc. Minimise the phone contact or remove it altogether.

    You are doing a great job. Keep at it.


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    #14
    Malayalam
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,188 ✭✭✭Malayalam


    It's really hard on you. Sorry to hear, must be distressing. That fierce love you feel for him, and not wanting him to be upset.

    I think it's because children that age don't really have a sense of time like we do. He hears his Mammy and thinks it's been ages since he saw her, so he thinks I should have seen her recently, and says I want to go. He forgets about it moments later, because time has dropped away again and he is back in the moment with you.

    If you guys have an arrangement for you to have overnight access then she should not phone in that time. After all, you probably don't phone him every night she is spending with him, and if you did he might likewise think, it's been ages since I saw Daddy, I want to go now. It's the phonecall that is disrupting his sense of continuity and time, and if she will agree to it, then drop the call. I hope she agrees to it. A compromise if she is reluctant to drop it is for her to call him around noon on the sunday and if he wants to go home then, you can spin it out a few hours, and make an adventure out of it.

    Best of luck.


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    #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks everyone for the replies, I think it reinforced what I already knew. Hopefully things will get easier in time.
    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    She doesn't need to ring him. It's the phone call that is causing the issue. I understand the want to ring him, but the call is more for her benefit than his. I would ask her not to ring and let him settle. Tell her if he wants to speak to her you will obviously let him ring immediately. But I'd say if no phone call is mentioned/suggested it won't even cross his mind.

    No, you're right, she doesn't. Maybe as an alternative, as someone mentioned, I might try a call early the next morning and see how that goes. Thanks
    racso1975 wrote: »
    Out of interest can you hear the phone calls? Does he use the loud speaker?

    Sometimes loud speaker, other times not. I've probably heard most of the conversations sitting beside him when he's talking and bar the odd "Are you OK to stay?" comment, which has now stopped since I mentioned it, there hasn't been anything sinister that I've heard. Thanks.
    renmorenewbie wrote: »
    I'm guessing call is in evening closer to bedtime. I'd suggest the closer it is to bedtime the more likely it is for him to say he wants to go home.

    I'm not in same situation as you but can happen with any kid going on a sleepover.
    The closer to bedtime more likely to want to go home after speaking to parent.

    How about you agree to call her earlier especially when hes busy or about to do something.

    I think you're spot on here and a really good idea for a morning call instead of before bed, thank you, I'll definitely try this.
    strandroad wrote: »
    Is your ex cooperative, it sounds like she is? Can you ask her to distract him or find a nice excuse why he should stay if he asks again?

    Intermittently, unfortunately. She does tell him that he's OK, that he'll have fun tomorrow, etc. but I think at that point he just misses his mammy, he's tired and wants to go when he hears her voice. Thanks.
    Dog walker 1234 wrote: »
    Your son is 4. It is natural for him to want what is familiar to him. Don't give in so easily. As you say there is no tears etc and he settles again.

    It is very easy at that age for a parent to pull at the heart strings, without asking straight out with 'Do you want to come home?' etc. Minimise the phone contact or remove it altogether.

    You are doing a great job. Keep at it.

    I'll try an early morning call instead of late evening and see how that goes. I probably should have mentioned that pick up isn't always easy. Sometimes he runs out the door to me, other times it's a struggle. I have the threat of "If he doesn't want to go I'm not going to force him" from his mam. To be honest the whole "event" is really stressful. But again, as soon as we drive away he's happy as Larry, no issues. Sometimes I think he's playing up but when he's upset that's all I see, I can't tell the difference. Thanks
    Malayalam wrote: »
    It's really hard on you. Sorry to hear, must be distressing. That fierce love you feel for him, and not wanting him to be upset.

    I think it's because children that age don't really have a sense of time like we do. He hears his Mammy and thinks it's been ages since he saw her, so he thinks I should have seen her recently, and says I want to go. He forgets about it moments later, because time has dropped away again and he is back in the moment with you.

    If you guys have an arrangement for you to have overnight access then she should not phone in that time. After all, you probably don't phone him every night she is spending with him, and if you did he might likewise think, it's been ages since I saw Daddy, I want to go now. It's the phonecall that is disrupting his sense of continuity and time, and if she will agree to it, then drop the call. I hope she agrees to it. A compromise if she is reluctant to drop it is for her to call him around noon on the sunday and if he wants to go home then, you can spin it out a few hours, and make an adventure out of it.

    Best of luck.

    I would call once a week or so to see how he's getting on, he's never asked to go with me at that stage but I do take your point and I think you're right. I'm going to try an early morning call first and go from there. Thanks.


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