Being pressured hard and feel like a failure?

Fenster

I suppose I'm looking to bounce my situation off someone else. My employer is a technology startup for whom I work in a senior technical role.

Outside of work I've struggled with stress and depression, although I judge it to be under control because I put my health and wellbeing first. Inside of work I've fallen under immense pressure from my boss to deliver faster, sooner, and over time the pressure has only gotten worse as stress takes a toll. This has become a downward spiral: failure to deliver leads to more pressure leads to a greater failure to deliver.

At the start of March-during Storm Emma-I worked about 95 hours in one week, and worked around three weeks without more than one day off. My blood pressure and resting heart rate spiked, my sleep went to crap, and I had terrible attacks of nausea caused by stress and poor diet. I left the office in tears on more than one occasion.

In the past month, under pressure, I deployed a new build of our application with optimisations for more users in anticipation of a spike of traffic. A byproduct of this build was a huge regression of features which I've since been put under pressure to fix/complete.

My work priorities change day-to-day, and sometimes within the space of a day as new bugs are found. A great deal of the control I'd expect of my position has been taken away from me, and I feel reduced being told to work on whatever ticket's put in front of me. It become whack-a-mole bug fixes where I never come away with the sense that I've done enough. Despite that I have a team under me, I feel that the only ability I have is to check their work. I don't have any substantial control in the creation or delegation of tasks. Work has turned into a crazy out of control pressure cooker. I can't tell you the last time I felt any sense of accomplishment or pride or progression; I do my job as required.

So I'm actively looking for a new job. The sooner I get out, the better. In the meantime I have the overwhelming sense that I have failed personally to have arrived at this point.

What if I had worked harder? Been a better communicator? Pushed back more? Done more? Been more transparent? I feel I've fallen and failed and let down everyone who depends on me. I could be working much harder for sure, but I'm tired, drained and don't much care for this anymore. I worked 11 months without holidays last year (my fault), then fell over, took a month off, and worked another month remotely where I wasn't too terribly productive.

endacl

Sounds like you’re caught in the middle of somebody else’s shambles. Go back to your job description, work it to the letter, and walk out of the office and shelve work at 5 every day. Do this until you find something else. If you’re questioned, explain why. It sounds like a ‘them’ problem. Not a ‘you’ problem.

Wanderer2010

endacl wrote: »

Sounds like you’re caught in the middle of somebody else’s shambles. Go back to your job description, work it to the letter, and walk out of the office and shelve work at 5 every day. Do this until you find something else. If you’re questioned, explain why. It sounds like a ‘them’ problem. Not a ‘you’ problem.

I agree with this. Remember, you are just a number at the end of the day. They would have your replaced in the blink of an eye if you collapsed or worse from stress. It sounds like a toxic place to work and will only get worse the longer you stay. Id be job hunting straight away.

Diziet

Job hunting is the right thing to do. This looks like the company is short on resources and management. There is a limit to what people can do and 95 hour weeks and no holidays are both daft and illegal. 
You *have* to take time for yourself. Try to work sensible hours and accept that some work will have to wail. If you can take some time to document the work and hours you and your team have to work, put it in front of your manager and say that 1- the company is in breach of the EU working hours directive (if this is the case, which seems to be) and 2- you and the company need more resources. And of course continue to job hunt. The tech sector is hopping, and you will find something very soon if you put your mind to it.
I have walked out of what was in many ways a very good and enjoyable job because I was taken for granted, piled on with more and more work and getting burned out. I did not regret it. In many ways, if you continue to work stupid hours and do all that is put in front of you, the employer has no incentive to address the issues, because the work gets done and you are taking all the mental load.
All the best!

Teyla Emmagan

It's not you, it's the job. You have not failed, what is being asked of you is just totally unreasonable. You are not being given the support you need. That is not your fault. Get out ASAP before your health is affected.

5rtytry56

endacl wrote: »

Sounds like you’re caught in the middle of somebody else’s shambles.

Only they are projecting this shambles on to you and in their imagination they are the "everyday hero."
Like edacl said, try to do no more than what's in your job specification for now until you go to fresher pastures.

Caliden

How are your deliverables being calculated?

What methodology are you using for releases? How are releases dates being calculated?

Every piece of work I work on is estimated (as best as possible) and the release date is calculated when all upcoming work is assigned and using 35 hour weeks.

For new work I estimate how long it's going to take and then double it to account for bug fixes/unforeseen issues. some people add 30% but past experience has shown this won't cut it for something new.


No release should ever be planned around people working 90 hour weeks, if it is then it's a failure.

Teyla Emmagan

A friend of mine just quit his job as CTO in a start up. He was also working all the hours God sent, blood pressure going through roof, living on Xanax. And he was also not being given the power to hire and fire people. So he quit and he is now focusing on being well. Sounds like start ups can just be a bad environment. They haven't learnt yet how to look after their people yet. No job worth your health IMO.

wally1990

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

A friend of mine just quit his job as CTO in a start up. He was also working all the hours God sent, blood pressure going through roof, living on Xanax. And he was also not being given the power to hire and fire people. So he quit and he is now focusing on being well. Sounds like start ups can just be a bad environment. They haven't learnt yet how to look after their people yet. No job worth your health IMO.

Health is your wealth

Get out of there and be happy

Fenster

wally1990 wrote: »

Health is your wealth

The absolute bottom truth.

Right, thank you all for the great advice. After reflection on my post, I decided I have some control in this situation and reached out. The situation isn't sorted yet at all, but there's a realisation all around of the problem and everyone's (including my) part in how it came about. We'll see how it goes from here.

beauf

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

....Sounds like start ups can just be a bad environment. ....

This isn't is start up issue though it may happen in start ups often. It's an lack of project management skills.

Happens a lot with new managers or project managers. Who will also not accept advice as they think it's challenge to their authority. So it's a hard one to fix. Often it becomes ingrained in habit or culture in a workplace.

So most people leave as is hard to fix it.

listermint

Sounds like whoever is deciding on the deliverables is not up to speed on what can be delivered.

The onus would be in the op to push back. He should realistically have good working knowledge of the capacity of his squad. They should know their WIP limits and be in a position to factually and confidently push back on deliverables.

It's a 2 way street any project manager is only as good as the information that is given to them .

This issue wouldn't go away by moving jobs if your a senior engineer in charge of a squad you are expected to be able to understand the work load and confidently display where the limits are.


If the management however fail to grasp this then yes ship out , they're not worth working for

beauf

listermint wrote: »

....It's a 2 way street any project manager is only as good as the information that is given to them .
...

The problem is usually when the pm thinks it's a one way street. Bane of most IT projects.

listermint

beauf wrote: »

The problem is usually when the pm thinks it's a one way street. Bane of most IT projects.

They're not really a PM then . Just a P.

DeanAustin

Had a similar situation a few years back. I failed badly and it was probably the first time that happened in my career. It was so embarrassing and I felt useless because I gave it everything and still failed. I questioned myself a lot and my confidence was destroyed when I left that company.

I left, took a lot of the lessons and became much better at what I do. Still hurts that I failed but I know it was something I probably needed.

I wasn’t the only one who failed at that time, looking back on it there were a lot of pretty senior people who should have looked in the mirror but, hand on heart, I know I should have done better.

Fact is that now, few people remember it. The company moved on and survived and so did I. It wasn’t the end of the world and I learned a tonne from it. I know it is soul destroying when you’re in the middle of it but there are a lot of jobs out there and there are things you can learn from this about yourself.

southernsmile

Had a friend at an old job who was constantly pulled from one department to the next.  She never knew what she would be doing that day or for whom.  Management knew all of this but because she was sweet and kindhearted, she would always oblige them.  She was so overworked and stressed that she spiraled into anxiety and depression.  She eventually quit the job and actually left that profession.  Point of the story is that self-care is pivotal, especially when it comes to sleep.  You have to take care of yourself.  The advice about going back to your job description and following it is excellent.  Also, have you talked to your boss?  Be assertive as to what is going on and take them solutions such as "Here is the problem I am facing and here is what I can do to fix it.  Do you agree?"  Showing that you have the insight to problem solve may help them respect you more.

Fenster

southernsmile wrote: »

Also, have you talked to your boss? Be assertive as to what is going on and take them solutions such as "Here is the problem I am facing and here is what I can do to fix it. Do you agree?"

That's exactly how it happened. I pinned the responsibility on my lack of communication and we worked out a revised role.

Fenster

As the last word on the issue, I gave my notice at the end of April, and started a new job last week. I just could not take the stress of the workplace anymore.

OMM 0000

Good for you. I just read your original post and it sounds like you were going above and beyond what 99% of people do. For that alone I think you've deserved the right to not be harsh on yourself at all.

If I could give you some advice it would be to not do that again! Why ruin your life for your job.

Hope the new gig works out well.

the_syco

Fenster wrote: »

At the start of March-during Storm Emma-I worked about 95 hours in one week, and worked around three weeks without more than one day off. My blood pressure and resting heart rate spiked, my sleep went to crap, and I had terrible attacks of nausea caused by stress and poor diet. I left the office in tears on more than one occasion.

...

I worked 11 months without holidays last year (my fault), then fell over, took a month off, and worked another month remotely where I wasn't too terribly productive.

Fenster wrote: »

As the last word on the issue, I gave my notice at the end of April, and started a new job last week. I just could not take the stress of the workplace anymore.

That's great! Your original post looked like they had burnt you out