Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

uncomfortable relationship with in-laws

Options
135

Comments

  • Options
    #62
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    As the thread goes on it’s becoming clearer to me at least that the OP has come from a different culture and is finding it very difficult to adapt.
    In defense of the husband it’s entirely possible that he has had to give up work as the OP has been threatening (maybe understandably)to take their baby home to her country of origin.
    I think posters here need to be careful about giving advice to this lady as the situation may be slightly out of boards remit.


  • Options
    #63
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    splinter65 wrote: »
    As the thread goes on it’s becoming clearer to me at least that the OP has come from a different culture and is finding it very difficult to adapt.
    In defense of the husband it’s entirely possible that he has had to give up work as the OP has been threatening (maybe understandably)to take their baby home to her country of origin.
    I think posters here need to be careful about giving advice to this lady as the situation may be slightly out of boards remit.

    She has stated he threatened her I thought?

    This scenario is definitely too convoluted and complicated for an advice thread though I do agree.


  • Options
    #64
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    GingerLily wrote: »
    She has stated he threatened her I thought?

    This scenario is definitely too convoluted and complicated for an advice thread though I do agree.

    The OP is clearly only giving her side of the story and consistently accepts no blame in this marriage debacle so I’ll take anything she says with a large pinch of salt.
    Her statement that the SIL declared that it’s a “sham” marriage is a dead giveaway. Tie up other little bits and pieces....maybe I’m wrong but I think this lady has come a big distance to live in Ireland with a man she barely knew, leaving all her own family at home, and it’s not working out.
    That’s just my take.


  • Options
    #65
    sinead99
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    Anne1982h wrote: »
    Your husband is abusive and you are immature and ill equipped to deal with the relationship (posting things on Facebook for God’s sake!!!) You need to take a long hard look at yourself and your husband and forget about your in laws and Christmas dinner. Why doesn’t your husband trust you with your daughter. Why doesn’t he get a job. Why are you so resentful of him. Why are you together at all - and saying it’s as if you leave him he’ll get custody or take your daughter is not a reason as these things are processed through the courts and as he has no income it’s highly unlikely he would be granted full custody. Are your parents stable people? Maybe you should take your daughter and move to where they are and start divorce proceedings. Sounds like you married someone you didn’t even know and your marriage has been a shambles since. I feel sorry for your daughter.

    Why doesn’t your husband trust you with your daughter.
    My husband shifts back and forth on this.

    One time I questioned him and he said if he didn't trust me with her he would not allow me to take her out with me on the weekend so I was ridiculous.

    Another time he said he didn't trust me with her. It's true that he's probably better with kids than I am. Our daughter is extraordinarily active and a handful and she overwhelms me and I lose my patience at times. If I turn my gaze from her for even just 30 seconds she might do something and hurt herself.
    I just get grouchy and hot-headed that's all and that doesn't meet his standard of parenting. He says he thinks I would hit her. I would not - I might lose my cool and shout but that's all.

    With her temperament, I think she'd do great in a creche but my husband is 100% against all forms of childcare. She goes to preschool but it's only for a few hours. She's 3.5 years old.


    Why doesn’t he get a job.
    He is 100% against all forms of childcare. He doesn't want any babysitters or creches at all. Not even one day a week. I don't agree with this at all especially with our daughter's extroverted personality so he's a stay home parent.


    Why are you so resentful of him.
    I am resentful of him for a few reasons.

    1. I was bullied out of my last job after maternity leave. They didn't think I would come back, and when I did they made me as miserable as possible to push me out and harassed me. Yes, I did sue for discrimination but that was also stressful.

    He wasn't emotionally supportive of me. I needed an incredible amount of support (he wasn't working so I had to go back to work at 10 weeks postpartum only to be bullied out while breastfeeding and getting up at night and working full-time).

    Whenever I talk to him about this he says he was supportive but my standard of support is too high or unrealistic. He said I should not bring work issues home to him.

    2. Whenever something bothers me (such as the Christmas dinner comments) he is not supportive of me. (There have been other times too) He blames me and gets mad at me for not 'being able to take a joke'. I didn't think the jokes were funny. I think they are stupid. I don't want to spend time with sexist people. Maybe if I felt more comfortable with my in-laws it wouldn't bother me so much but just having to spend any time with them at all is hard for me.

    3. His sister has said several nasty comments about me over the years. I've never heard him say 'oh, I'm so sorry I can't believe she said that'. Sure, I guess he kind of told her off but it didn't seem to be a big deal to him.

    4. He doesn't like how I am when I'm around his family or friends. He said I'm too quiet. Well, that's because I feel really uncomfortable.

    Why are you together at all - and saying it’s as if you leave him he’ll get custody or take your daughter is not a reason as these things are processed through the courts and as he has no income it’s highly unlikely he would be granted full custody.

    I do fear that he would get custody. He has 25 relatives who would back him up/make up a story. He could also hold some fights that I've had with my mother against me because the child was in the house.


    No, my parents are not stable people. When I was pregnant my mother verbally abused me saying things like: 'i don't want to be a grandmother.', 'it was a mistake', '****ing idiot', 'i want nothing to do with this baby if you move' etc.


    My husband and I are fine when things are just the 3 of us, but as soon as in-laws or his old friends are involved it becomes a shambles.


  • Options
    #66
    sinead99
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    splinter65 wrote: »
    As the thread goes on it’s becoming clearer to me at least that the OP has come from a different culture and is finding it very difficult to adapt.
    In defense of the husband it’s entirely possible that he has had to give up work as the OP has been threatening (maybe understandably)to take their baby home to her country of origin.
    I think posters here need to be careful about giving advice to this lady as the situation may be slightly out of boards remit.

    I have never threatened to take her back. He is the one who forced me to move here and threatens me.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #67
    sinead99
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    Hitman3000 wrote: »
    So in 5 years you only visited your husbands family once or they only visited you once? Do they go to the wedding or just visit at the birth of your daughter. Strange.

    We didn't have a wedding. We eloped. We were living far away and we only visited them once.


  • Options
    #68
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    It's a dysfunctional relationship. You met and married within 6 months to someone who then promptly moved you away form ant support network, to the middle of his own, stopped supporting your family unit financially and let's his family abuse you.. Somewhere along the line you had a baby so got more entrenched in this mess.

    Pick up the phone and call women's aid.


  • Options
    #69
    sinead99
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    splinter65 wrote: »
    The OP is clearly only giving her side of the story and consistently accepts no blame in this marriage debacle so I’ll take anything she says with a large pinch of salt.
    Her statement that the SIL declared that it’s a “sham” marriage is a dead giveaway. Tie up other little bits and pieces....maybe I’m wrong but I think this lady has come a big distance to live in Ireland with a man she barely knew, leaving all her own family at home, and it’s not working out.
    That’s just my take.

    No, we eloped. When we updated our relationship status on Facebook his sister posted that it was a sham and sent me nasty messages.

    Well... we were together for 3 years before we moved but still...


  • Options
    #70
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    sinead99 wrote: »
    I have never threatened to take her back. He is the one who forced me to move here and threatens me.

    If you are afraid of your husband or afraid for your child then you need to go to the Gardai. You will be believed and you will be looked after.
    Your husband will not be believed just because he is Irish and you are not.
    He and his family might tell you that but that’s not true.
    If you don’t want to go to the Gardai then go into your local Citizens Information Centre and ask them to contact the local service that helps women in abusive relationships. They will be led by you. If you just want to talk to someone about your marriage then that will be fine. If you want to go further, move out get a place if your own then they will help you with that too.
    Abuse is not just physical but mental and emotional too.
    Threatening you with taking your child away is abuse.
    The only thing is I would advise you to be absolutely honest with yourself and Women’s Aid or whoever and maybe accept that you may have caused some friction with his family too.
    This can all be fixed. You need to get some help to fix it.


  • Options
    #71
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,640 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    Are you in Ireland, OP?


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #72
    sinead99
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    Are you in Ireland, OP?

    Yes.


  • Options
    #73
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Sorry op bit your story is all over the place. Your husband is against any childcare but your daughter goes to preschool. You were together for three years before and got married after six months. You are complaining how you have no support from your relatives because you moved bit it seems your relatives were never supportive...

    I don't know, either I am too dense to understand your posts or this is a wind up.


  • Options
    #74
    sinead99
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    meeeeh wrote: »
    Sorry op bit your story is all over the place. Your husband is against any childcare but your daughter goes to preschool. You were together for three years before and got married after six months...

    I don't know, either I am too dense to understand your posts or this is a wind up.

    We got married quickly. But the total time between the day we met and the day we moved over here was 3 years. My husband refuses to use a creche even one day a week. The preschool is only 3 hours and it's not long enough to have a job. He's OK with the preschool because he know's the owner's cousin.


  • Options
    #75
    georgina toadbum
    Closed Accounts Posts: 364 ✭✭georgina toadbum


    I'm trying to understand why his family would be so 'cold' towards you. By any chance is this is a religious thing?


  • Options
    #76
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    georgina toadbum wrote: »
    I'm trying to understand why his family would be so 'cold' towards you. By any chance is this is a religious thing?

    I suspect because he bad mouths her to his family, and because she's bad mouthed her father in law in Facebook while she was living with the in laws. It was deleted from the OP.


  • Options
    #77
    sinead99
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    georgina toadbum wrote: »
    I'm trying to understand why his family would be so 'cold' towards you. By any chance is this is a religious thing?

    Me too. I'm the same religion though.

    I'm strawberry blonde and blue-eyed and English is my first language so I hardly stand out. Maybe it's because I'm foreign? An outsider?

    I know that my husband's employment status has been an issue for them. They have called him a lazy bum before. My husband said he has always been the 'reject' of the family because he doesn't do construction work like they do.

    Another thing I can think of is that he is one of 9 children and I'm an only child. I went to university for 6 years but they have not been interested in higher learning. Maybe I just don't fit in with them?


  • Options
    #78
    georgina toadbum
    Closed Accounts Posts: 364 ✭✭georgina toadbum


    GingerLily wrote: »
    I suspect because he bad mouths her to his family, and because she's bad mouthed her father in law in Facebook while she was living with the in laws. It was deleted from the OP.

    I missed all that :D


  • Options
    #79
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,640 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    sinead99 wrote: »
    Yes.

    In that case I'd advise you to heed the advice above to contact Women's Aid. You're in an abusive relationship but you're so fixated on your in-laws' behaviour that you can't (or won't) see that your husband is a controlling, manipulative, threatening bully.


  • Options
    #80
    sinead99
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    GingerLily wrote: »
    I suspect because he bad mouths her to his family, and because she's bad mouthed her father in law in Facebook while she was living with the in laws. It was deleted from the OP.

    They were always cold with me though and suspicious. Even before the incidences.


  • Options
    #81
    TheIronyMaiden
    Registered Users Posts: 188 ✭✭TheIronyMaiden


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    In that case I'd advise you to heed the advice above to contact Women's Aid. You're in an abusive relationship but you're so fixated on your in-laws' behaviour that you can't (or won't) see that your husband is a controlling, manipulative, threatening bully.

    I have to say OP, I agree with this - this craic about not agreeing with childcare. Nope, sorry, the child is both of yours. That is a two-person decision, it's incredibly controlling to just say it's my way and that's it. I feel for you OP, that sounds tough. I have a little girl too and if my partner tried to force a decision like that on me I'd be furious.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #82
    MissShihTzu
    Registered Users Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    I think I am beginning to understand the set-up now. I also think I understand the community the OP lives in.

    I think she should make moves to get out NOW. Before things get much, much worse. Get on to the Gards and Women's Aid. She has her daughter to think of.


  • Options
    #83
    sinead99
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    MissShihTzu wrote: »
    I think I am beginning to understand the set-up now. I also think I understand the community the OP lives in.

    I think she should make moves to get out NOW. Before things get much, much worse. Get on to the Gards and Women's Aid. She has her daughter to think of.

    You know, when it's just the 2 of us we get along OK (for the most part) but when you throw in-laws or old friends into the mix that's when things fall apart.

    Our most horrible fights have been about in-laws/family, moving, and childcare. When the arguments get heated that's when the threats start. I know it's still bullying though.


  • Options
    #84
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    To what age will your husband refuse to allow you to use childcare? Will he home school them too?
    He sounds very controlling, what a horrible situation.


  • Options
    #85
    sinead99
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    GingerLily wrote: »
    To what age will your husband refuse to allow you to use childcare? Will he homeschool them too?
    He sounds very controlling, what a horrible situation.

    He will not homeschool them but he refuses to ever use any childcare. He will not even get a babysitter so we can go out so we would have to ask his family which I am not fond of doing. They feed her so much junk food and juice and it creates a 'favour' to be returned/more involvement from them. Because of his attitude, it looks like he will not be working at all for the next 5 years.


  • Options
    #86
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Are you happy? Do you want to stay married?


  • Options
    #87
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    sinead99 wrote: »
    GingerLily wrote: »
    To what age will your husband refuse to allow you to use childcare? Will he homeschool them too?
    He sounds very controlling, what a horrible situation.

    He will not homeschool them but he refuses to ever use any childcare. He will not even get a babysitter so we can go out so we would have to ask his family which I am not fond of doing. They feed her so much junk food and juice and it creates a 'favour' to be returned/more involvement from them. Because of his attitude, it looks like he will not be working at all for the next 5 years.

    LOL - are you sure he's not using this as an excuse not to work?


  • Options
    #88
    Anne1982h
    Closed Accounts Posts: 77 ✭✭Anne1982h


    sinead99 wrote: »
    Yes.


    Are you Irish? OP I didn’t ask you those questions to get the answers from you. I asked them to try help you see you have many issues going on here you neee to think about and address. You say you are fine when it’s the three of you but yet you are extremely resentful of him and he doesn’t trust you with your daughter - not exactly getting on fine...


  • Options
    #89
    sinead99
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    GingerLily wrote: »
    LOL - are you sure he's not using this as an excuse not to work?

    I don't think so because he resents me for this. He said because I want to use childcare that 'I don't want to look after my own child' so he has to. No, I don't want to be a housewife. He should have thought about that before he married someone who went to university for 6 years and he also should have had his career together but he didn't.


  • Options
    #90
    sinead99
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    Anne1982h wrote: »
    Are you Irish? OP I didn’t ask you those questions to get the answers from you. I asked them to try help you see you have many issues going on here you neee to think about and address. You say you are fine when it’s the three of you but yet you are extremely resentful of him and he doesn’t trust you with your daughter - not exactly getting on fine...

    No, I'm not Irish. The resentment comes and goes and so does his distrust. But it only really rears it's ugly head when it comes to his family.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #91
    sinead99
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    Neyite wrote: »
    Are you happy? Do you want to stay married?

    On a day to day basis I'm not unhappy enough to do something drastic such as divorce but if there were more issues with his family and he did not address the issues again I might. I am not sure if he would care if I left him though.


Advertisement