Toddler cries when leaving mum's

mayotom

I have a 20 month old boy however I am separated from his mum. I have him two days per week. However over the past few weeks, when I arrive to collect him, he screams the house down and doesn't want to leave mummy. We only need to be 30 seconds away and he's happy and laughing again, of course mum thinks he doesn't want to see me.
Any ideas of how to make pick up time more cheerful

jlm29

It’s normal enough really, I would think. My little boy, who is a small bit older, roars the house down when I drop him to the minder. I’m not at the end of her road, and she’ll send me a photo of him laughing and playing with the others.
His mum probably needs to realise that he’s fine once he’s over the initial tears- at 20 months, he probably doesn’t really know what way is up, and once he’s happy with you after a few min, I doubt very much that he doesn’t want to see you! Distraction is probably the best thing. If my lb doesn’t see me leave, he doesn’t cry when he’s at the minders. Do you have to pick him up from home? Could ye meet somewhere else, like a playground, and have mum slip away once he’s engrossed in playing?

Vicxas

Its normal.

My little fella used to do it all the time when i dropped him at the childminders, or at Playschool.

mayotom

jlm29 wrote: »

It’s normal enough really, I would think. My little boy, who is a small bit older, roars the house down when I drop him to the minder. I’m not at the end of her road, and she’ll send me a photo of him laughing and playing with the others.
His mum probably needs to realise that he’s fine once he’s over the initial tears- at 20 months, he probably doesn’t really know what way is up, and once he’s happy with you after a few min, I doubt very much that he doesn’t want to see you! Distraction is probably the best thing. If my lb doesn’t see me leave, he doesn’t cry when he’s at the minders. Do you have to pick him up from home? Could ye meet somewhere else, like a playground, and have mum slip away once he’s engrossed in playing?

I'll try that, thank you

silverharp

or just pull over when he is happy and send a quick pic or video clip of him smiling.

Loveinapril

jlm29 wrote: »

Could ye meet somewhere else, like a playground, and have mum slip away once he’s engrossed in playing?

I have to disagree with this post. It is much healthier for the child to get to say goodbye as he will know mammy is going. Imagine the distrust he would have if he thought that his mam just disappears sometimes when he is not watching her.

Crying when leaving his mam is totally normal.

woodchuck

It sounds like the issue is with the mother as opposed to the baby. Just send her a pic of him a few minutes later when he's all smiles again so she knows he's doing ok!

GuessWhoEh

My niece used to do this. They grow out of it. It's not a love or hatred thing. It's just kids being kids.

Addle

As a child, I always hated saying 'good bye'. I used to think it meant I'd never see them again.
Much preferred 'see you later'

jlm29

Loveinapril wrote: »

I have to disagree with this post. It is much healthier for the child to get to say goodbye as he will know mammy is going. Imagine the distrust he would have if he thought that his mam just disappears sometimes when he is not watching her.

Crying when leaving his mam is totally normal.

Well fair enough, that didn’t even occur to me, but I do think that maybe it might be a bit easier if they’re out and about where there’s more going on, than collecting from mums house.
But I’d ageee, it does sound a bit like the Mam is more of a problem- sending a photo a few minutes after collection of the child smiling and laughing might solve a few problems!

Dial Hard

Addle wrote:

As a child, I always hated saying 'good bye'. I used to think it meant I'd never see them again. Much preferred 'see you later'

Yes, because a 20 month old understands semantics.

tara73

:eek: ?? it's exactly that time they learn this things...

osarusan

Is the mother making a big deal of saying goodbye to the child? Saying that she is sad to be without him and so on? If so, would you be able to talk to her about toning it down a bit?

I know when we used to drop our daughter to childcare, we'd give her a big hug and say bye, and she'd burst into tears. The childcare manager suggested that we not make such a big deal of it, so we switched to a quicker and calmer 'have fun, see you later', and the tears stopped within a day or two.

Purpletoes

Good byes need to be as quick and short as possible but I feel it's important his mother gives him a kiss good bye.

I have three children and my eldest used to be the exact same. Maybe mum could walk out to your car or out of the house to you and give baby a kiss and cuddle on way and just hand them over and you go quickly.

If the child is still crying 20mins later i'd be reassessing but from what you say it sounds perfectly normal and just like separation anxiety. Hopefully he will grow out of it.

I know from my own experience that a picture a short while later if a happier child always makes me feel better.

It's really hard handing you child over as a mother and especially a single mother. Sounds like you are doing your best in a tough situation.

mayotom

osarusan wrote: »

Is the mother making a big deal of saying goodbye to the child? Saying that she is sad to be without him and so on? If so, would you be able to talk to her about toning it down a bit?

No she's pretty good with a quick goodbye.

The goodbyes aren't really an issue, he starts to play up as soon as I arrive as he knows that means he will be away from mum for the day.
I know it's hard for his mum to see and I'll definitely start to send her photos once we're on the move.

racso1975

It is a phase op and the good news is they will outgrow it. The bad news is, from my experience, they'll start saying they don't want to go back. That's and awful kick in the gut!!! Then I suspect when they become teenagers they won't want to talk to either of us 😃.

kylith

Going by my niblings; they'd cry when brought to Granny and Grandad's, and then cry when mum or dad took them home from Granny and Grandad's.

Geniemac84

My son used to do this all the time as a baby both leaving with me and his dad. To say it was heartbreaking was an understatement but he's now ten and chooses if he wants to stay with either one of us when it suits him. Your little one will grow out of it but I would say try and keep the relationship with their mam as civil as possible as children do notice tension and I really did learn that the hard way. Once myself and my son's dad got along OK he seemed calmer. And as others have said send on photos of the little one happy to calm the mam too.

mickoneill31

Like everybody has said. It's normal.
If my missus leaves the house my daughter goes ballistic. Fine after 2 mins.

And its the same when I drop her off to nana. When I leave its the end of the world. But a minute later I'll get a photo from my mam showing her playing.

She's the same age as your daughter. I'm looking forward to when this phase goes away

Witchie

You say that when he sees you arrive he gets upset coz he knows you are going to take him away. If you and your ex are on good enough terms would it be possible for you to come over and hang out the odd day for a wee while, even if its only 10 minutes then leave again so that he gets use to you being around and doesn't automatically get distressed? If he got used to this, then he might not mind being take away as he will no longer relate you to the anxious feeling he gets when you arrive.
Maybe mammy could leave you together in the living room playing for a few minutes and go enjoy a cuppa in peace in the kitchen and he will get to see that you are not necessarily there to snatch him away.