Two nights ago. Need advice.

Hi all,
So two months ago I gave up drinking. I decided on my birthday that I needed a break from alcohol and was seriously considering giving it up forever.
I have a long history of binge drinking for ten years and work in a bar, so I was drinking every two-three days, binging, not remembering going home, waking up in wrong houses, etc.
I decided to stop and seek help from my family, my mother supported me and I went to see a counseller, at the time they mention AA, I didn't like the idea of AA, as I went to a meeting once and felt a little too young and out of place.
I continued with counselling and was doing really well, or so I thought.
I had been out to the pub/nightclubs but didn't drink. I had told people I was off it for lent and I sometimes had to say it a few times and face a string of negative reactions but I held on.
However, two nights ago I went out for a staff party, there were around 25 of us, I turned up a little late and went to bar alone so they wouldn't question what I was buying, but when someone noticed I was pouring a non-alcho becks in a glass he played shocked and said 'I thought u were cool' and walked back to the group. I then sat down and someone pointed out how I was drinking again and then I had to correct them in saying actually no, it's not alchoholic. Another person then asked why, and I explained I was off it. And another person then yelled across the large group what was it if it wasnt beer and I felt so embarrassed at this point I just barely answered with becks. I felt the crowd of faces on me.
It was then time to order rounds, as there was money put behind the bar for us. I was feeling so insecure at this point. They were asking everyone individually to say what they were drinking, and they would order that same round 3 times.So everyone was saying what they drank and another was writing it down.
They were coming closer to me and I just remember thinking what do I do. I chose to drink, and said 'sure get me a heineken then,' and that was it. They all cheered and I ended up getting hammered with no recollection of getting home.

I'm so upset now, crying and shameful. I don't even know how to face my mum or others. I feel like I could have been strong and drank becks but these people just pushed me to my limit.
I want to remain sober but I'm now thinking I'm never going to go out with these people again.
Any advice or anything....
Maybe I do need to go to AA.

Mr. Incognito

Hello there.

Firstly, well done on admitting that you have a problem. Thats the first step. Of Course you are going to have slips and you work in a bar.

People in groups are dicks. That's just a fact of life. One of the things about preparing to give up is catching people one on one and casually mentioning that you are taking a break for your health. That's all you have to say. Then when you are out in a group the mob mentality doesnt take hold.

I have a lot of work social events and it took me a few weeks to catch everyone individually in the office and now its just accepted that I dont drink for the forseeable future. You can skip the staff parties until this is done.

A second issue is that you are going to have to avoid putting yourself in situations where you are going to feel under pressure to dirnk- for you this is going home after work and not having your post work drink and socialising.

I know you feel like all your good work is undone but it happens. You just have to keep trying until to becomes a habit.

FishOnABike

Don't be too hard on yourself. Nobody is perfect.

Look on it as one night out of the last sixty or so vs 25 or so if you hadn't decided to stop drinking two months ago. You've come a long way. 25 times better than before.

It's a matter of perspective. You have proven to yourself you can do it. Learn from this and use it to reinforce your determination not to get so drunk again.

Success doesn't isn't about never having setbacks it's about picking yourself up, learning from a setback and trying again.

You've already proven yourself over the last two months. Put this behind you. Learn from it. Try again, more determined and better equipped to deal with peer pressure.

Jellybaby1

Because I've seen what alcohol did to a member of my family I applaude your decision to give up alcohol. Mr. Incognito is absolutely right, you need to avoid these difficult situations. I don't know if you are male or female but instead of going to the pub you might consider taking up a healthier pastime like sports, keep fit, running, cycling etc, or any hobby that might take your fancy. Our family member put us all through a really tough time due to alcohol and I wouldn't wish to visit those years again. He's come through it and out the other side safely thank God. You have to think of yourself and your future. Invest the time in YOU! Best of luck.

ArrBee

I'd say you are just starting out with the learning how to handle the comments and opinions of others for your new found scenario.

I reckon, you just have to acknowledge that it will be difficult/embarrassing initially to get over the subtle and not so subtle pressure from others. BUT IT WILL GET EASIER.

Focus on some of the positives to help you with the harder elements.
-like mentioned already. understanding that you need to do something is a massive step and you should be proud of that.
-you sound like you are pretty much able to go out without having a drink. that can be a challenge for many people.

Focus on how to over come the pressure from others because it sounds like the only part that you are struggling with.

draiochtanois

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Thankyou for all your kind words.

I think I'm going to stop going out in large groups for a while as that is where I felt the intense pressure. I have taken up some new activities and I have the support of my family too. There are some who understand and others who don't so I'm just going to have to let them go.I think I might have to change my work environment inevitably also so I have better hours that are not centered around the pub scene.
Im even more determined now.

carltonleon

_ratm wrote: »

Thankyou for all your kind words.

I think I'm going to stop going out in large groups for a while as that is where I felt the intense pressure. I have taken up some new activities and I have the support of my family too. There are some who understand and others who don't so I'm just going to have to let them go.I think I might have to change my work environment inevitably also so I have better hours that are not centered around the pub scene.
Im even more determined now.

You should almost think of this episode as a positive as it has reinforced your determination. Also it is not as though you wanted to drink but merely felt pressured into it so again that has to be taken as a positive.

kerryjack

Well done in trying to sort yourself out a few small tips that I found helpfull. Planning , plan your week plan your day keep busy , when people ask O you don't drink I say I have a malfunctioning stop button and I won't chance it tonight

Yeah, maybe try not going out for a while..and when you do maybe just drink water or coke?..and if you struggled to fit in in aa maybe see if you can find an NA meeting?..crowd is probably younger, and addiction is addiction..

Good luck anyway..

Jellybaby1

Deleted User wrote: »

Yeah, maybe try not going out for a while..and when you do maybe just drink water or coke?..and if you struggled to fit in in aa maybe see if you can find an NA meeting?..crowd is probably younger, and addiction is addiction..

Good luck anyway..

Agree with you CQD - I think I saw a post on boards some time back about a Meetup group for non drinkers. Might be worth considering when the OP is ready for it.

Sigma Force

draiochtanois wrote: »

When you change your habits you will sometimes have to change your "friends".

The inverted commas are because friends will support you whereas "friends" won't.

You fell off the horse, just dust yourself off and get back on.

And you are probably saving a lot my not drinking put some aside and treat yourself, a massage, a book, tickets to a sporting event, whatever you like.

That's so true and sometimes it's harder for people to take a break from it even have to let go of certain friends than it is to give up the drink itself. I think it can be very hurtful for people when they realise that some friends were just drinking buddies and not true friends. You really find out who your true friends are through this process. It doesn't mean you'll loose them all but some are better off staying clear of or for a while anyway until they get the message that it's not a phase for you and you mean business. It's hard to give up a social life you've always been used to but again it doesn't have to be forever there will be a time when you will be able to meet up with people but to make it easier for yourself at the moment you might need to take yourself away from those situations, it can mean changing your routine and finding other things to keep you occupied esp. on weekends. It's not easy but it's definitely doable. You've done great so far, it's a learning process but it's times like this where it's ok to start over again. Your family will be proud of you for recognising your issues and for you wanting to get up and try again. You will get there and it will get easier. The main thing is to be honest with your family and sometimes you just have to be brutally honest with your friends and if they don't like it then it's their problem not yours. You need to think of what's best for you not what makes them happy. I find with my OH that a lot of his friends drifted away, when he was in rehab some would ask about him and say they'll visit but for all the friends he has ..and he's well liked only a couple took genuine interest and only a few went to visit him or chat on the phone when he got home. None except maybe one or two would call in to him to hang out, go for a doin in the car etc. It's harder for men because they're not really gone on meeting during the day for a coffee and a chat. But that's where AA come in but there are other support groups out there too for all ages and you will find that sometimes people are older vecsusebit can take time for people to realise they have a problem but the positive side to that is that they know exactly what you're going through, they've all had similar experiences and they can help you because they've been in the same boat. Have you tried places like smart recovery or BCAT? When starting off sometimes it's good just to have one on one sessions but if you feel more comfortable in a group maybe try a few different AA places, you might find one further down the road has more people your age or you might just feel more comfortable there. I'm not that home on it myself (al anon) and neither is my OH but it's as good a place to start as any just to have somewhere to go and you might find you click with certain people and maybe having a sponsor can help. Even if you don't say anything st meetings, hearing other people stories can help. My OH is doing so well, he's 10 months sober but was a chronic alcoholic for 20 years and even before that he drank too much. I think it's more to do with having your own determination at the end of the day, support is so important but you have to be in the right mind set too and you do seem determined and you don't want to be drinking by the sound of your post so you are in a good place now even though you might not feel like that at the mo. Your family should and no doubt are proud of you, I think it's great you are recognising the issues so early on too. So keep on truckin you do what's right for your own health and well being your friends will eventually cop on to themselves when they see how serious you are.

corks finest

Need to change your circle of friends,or go out with a smaller group

Drumpot

_ratm wrote: »

Thankyou for all your kind words.

I think I'm going to stop going out in large groups for a while as that is where I felt the intense pressure. I have taken up some new activities and I have the support of my family too. There are some who understand and others who don't so I'm just going to have to let them go.I think I might have to change my work environment inevitably also so I have better hours that are not centered around the pub scene.
Im even more determined now.

Good for you. I always wonder if you have people trying to slag somebody into drinking, if there is an insecurity on their part on some level. Either insecure that their own drinking might be a problem or just an insecurity of some people being different to them. It’s the mob mentality - “Look at that guy doing something different, let’s all Point at him and laugh so he falls into line “.

AA is not for everybody but I would suggest you try more then one meeting if you find councelling and whatever else you are doing is not working. You can get some terrible AA meetings and some great ones. Also at the start most of us feel like a fish out of water. When you talk with members after a while you will realize that while you might think people are confident or know what that are doing there, it can take time to get it.

At the start for me, AA was a tool I used to help me stop drinking. I felt very lonely in spite of the fact I am Married with kids and have some great supportive friends. I found AA great for learning to understand the nature of some of my self destructive behaviors and some extremely wise advice from people I Learned to respect.

I also get professional CBT that I feel compliments what I get out of AA. At the end of the day AA is not regulated and there are some sick puppies that goto meetings and share some serious crazy! But like in a football team, we all gravitate to people we feel we can get along with.

Asides from that, having a supportive family is great. Making a call to do what you are doing now, before the possible progressive dangers, is great. I haven’t had a drink in over 5 years and don’t miss it. It’s funny how at the start I remember fearing events that I used to drink at - matches, weddings , parties, Christmas etc. The fear that I could never “enjoy” these events was ridiculously strong. But now I enjoy them more then I did when I drank. It’s funny when you start seeing people repeat themselves and get drunk. I disappear off for a walk or coffee (with my wife) and quite regulalry people want to sneak off with me for a break!

I wasn’t really drinking more then once a week when I gave it up. But it was why I was drinking that was the problem. My anxiety and depression was chronic and drinking felt like a release valve giving me some relief for a few hours. As I said, AA was an alternative that I felt could help me get back in touch with people and my feelings. That’s what I wanted and that’s what I have gotten.

The religious element of AA has been a sticking point for me. I’m not religious but found a way to find peace with that concept.

My life isn’t perfect now but alcohol is not a problem anymore. I still goto AA meetings but they are more like the healthy habit thing. You know like the way you start getting excercise and at the start you are all enthusiastic and after awhile there are days you have to drag yourself to do it? But then when you go you feel better! Spending one hour any day, just to focus on my mental health (AA , therapy or meditations) is a good thing whether I get something out of that hour or not. For me, the mere fact that I am putting time aside for mental health excercise is a positive on its own.

Sorry to ramble on. One suggestion I have is try to show yourself some compassion and be easy on yourself if you make mistakes. This is part of the process and part of the learning process. The most important thing is to get back up, dust yourself off and try to learn from whatever mistake happens.

You have made a decision that many people don’t make or make only when they have lost everything and everybody in their life. You shouldn’t underestimate the relevance of your clarity. Good luck with this OP.