14 yr old girl - what to do

ScouseMouse

Monday night I was at an awards ceremony for a voluntary group with a cadet division.

One girl got promoted to sergeant and it was mentioned how well she had done as a couple of years ago, she was afraid to lift her head - never mind give orders.

Perhaps you would consider getting her into one of the voluntary groups, depending on where you are, there should be a couple around you. Works wonders for confidence and integration.

Something like St John Ambulance, Order of Malta, Civil Defence, etc etc.

witchgirl26

OP I'm in my early 30's and hate public speaking so much but have to do a certain amount for my job. What really helps me stop feeling anxious is being completely comfortable with the subject I'm talking about. I'm not talking about having a script but really knowing what the whole thing is about. Half of my anxiety used to come from the thought of "what if I forget what I've written down to say?". By knowing my topic well, that became less of an issue as I didn't have to follow a script. I also found that over-preparing made me worse whereas I know others, that helped them. It's finding which works for her.

If possible, try to get her to practice them. Alone at first, and then in front of family. People who'll be supportive and won't make an issue if she stumbles over something or forgets anything.

As for the going to discos - they were my idea of hell until I was about 16 to be honest. I then really loved them. I would have been similar to your daughter (except for the sport thing). I had a large group of friends through an interest but didn't necessarily hang out with them outside that all the time, didn't go to discos and was incredibly quiet in school. Hasn't affected me too badly in life so don't over worry. Unless there are signs of a more serious problem then it's normal enough.

sbsquarepants

The Wordress wrote: »

I went to a course recently and a massive teenage survey was done and 29% said that they didn't have 'One Good Adult' in their life, which is very sad.

Jesus that's terrible!

cbyrd

My second girl is like this, she loves her sport and has a good circle of friends but the social side doesn't interest her at all. Discos would be her idea of hell, completely opposite of her older sister who would die if she missed a disco and would spend the day getting ready for it.
Kids are different, just cos she doesn't enjoy it doesn't mean there a something wrong. Keep your lines of communication open wide for the next few years so she knows if there is anything wrong she can talk to you without judgement.
Public speaking is not everyone's forte and if there isn't any other way she displays anxiety then I'd be wary of putting a label on her.
If you're very anxious about her, the first stop is the gp. There are various clubs that can help or places like mindspace ( I think they're from 16 though)
Tbh, she sounds like a typical 14 year old who just doesn't like the limelight.
Flag her with the school anyway just to be safe.
Best of luck.

Mystery Egg

Just to add I think there's a big difference between introversion, social anxiety and difficulty in public speaking. These are three separate issues.

The first does not need to change, indeed it can't.

The second needs to be challenged in order to survive life in general - often there are people who are naturally very extroverted but their anxiety makes forming friends nigh on impossible. These people wish the anxiety was gone and mixing was easy and natural to them.

The third can be overcome with practice, especially in a safe setting.

I think it's important not to conflate this stuff. If your daughter is happy in her own company that's brilliant. If she's more content with her books and a duvet on a Saturday night than at the disco then she's like many many others.

But if she wishes to go and won't out of fear, that's a different story and she should be supported to let go of the fears if possible.

The Wordress

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Jesus that's terrible!

Here is the survey that information came from.

Very informative reading for any parents. Over 14,500 teenagers did the survey. Don't ever make any assumptions. Being a teenager is so difficult! Now more than ever I would say. We all need to be that One Good Adult!

https://www.jigsaw.ie/content/images/News__Events_/Research/MWS_Full_Report_PDF.pdf

munchkin_utd

its great to see that public speaking is part of irish schooling.
My kids (in Germany) were having to speak in front of their peers in Kindergarden since they were 3 or 4. In primary school you need to present assignments or projects in front of the class. Its just second nature to them and even the lads over 40 years old say that it was normal for them back in the 80s and 90s to be presenting stuff in class.

Of course none of this was ever done back when I was in school in Ireland (best education system in the world my ass) and my first time EVER speaking in front of a class or group was when I was 22 and presenting my final year university project and i ended up hyperventilating and nearly fainting. Pure panic, but really down to just being landed in the deep end and being in a completely new situation.

If your daughter is getting anxious now having to present things at school, well my attitude would be that its better to have it over with now and get accustomed to talking and thinking at the same time, to hearing the echo of your own voice, and practice and make the mistakes in school now rather than being landed in it for the first time in college or work when it then may have long term consequences.

As for missing teenage discos, I was glad of the excuse of having early starts on a Saturday morning to travel to play football matches an hour or 2 away to skip Friday night discos.
I of course did go to them now and again but in all honesty they were abysmal with desperate music and an awful lot of hassle with all the travel and then waiting around for a minibus afterwards, for no benefit or enjoyment except you didnt "miss anything" .

clint_silver

The disco thing is fine, had a chat over weekend, she's really just not into them. No problem. Shes the only one of her friends who doesnt want to go, seems that ok from others on here so no problem.

I dont have a problem with the schools getting to public speak, I suppose my problem here is how its handled. If 1/3 of all people have a fear of public speaking of some sort, and even a minority of that are gripped frozen by fear at the the thoughts of it (the case here), is plunging in at the deep end the way to get over that? All theyll remember is the fear, not how to control it when it hits.
We went over the subject matter at length and shes able to discuss it for length of time needed but every day has become a misery for her since she found out about it where normally shes a very happy child. Sports are suffering, other homework is suffering, the house is on edge over it. Plunge through it isn't good enough, I think anyway, and abstaining isn't the right thing either. Coping mechanism is whats needed.
Im waiting to speak to teacher.

happywithlife

clint_silver wrote: »

The disco thing is fine, had a chat over weekend, she's really just not into them. No problem. Shes the only one of her friends who doesnt want to go, seems that ok from others on here so no problem.

I dont have a problem with the schools getting to public speak, I suppose my problem here is how its handled. If 1/3 of all people have a fear of public speaking of some sort, and even a minority of that are gripped frozen by fear at the the thoughts of it (the case here), is plunging in at the deep end the way to get over that? All theyll remember is the fear, not how to control it when it hits.
We went over the subject matter at length and shes able to discuss it for length of time needed but every day has become a misery for her since she found out about it where normally shes a very happy child. Sports are suffering, other homework is suffering, the house is on edge over it. Plunge through it isn't good enough, I think anyway, and abstaining isn't the right thing either. Coping mechanism is whats needed.
Im waiting to speak to teacher.

Sitting likje a frog whilst aimed at younger children is worth looking at - has loads of mindfulness and breathing exercises. You should be able to get it on loan from your local library

clint_silver

Spoke to the teacher, very sympathetic but class speaking is part of multiple subjects now so no getting away from it. Speaking to a smaller group is unfeasable but theyll look at it. Again, its not that I dont want her to speak publicly but rather be taught how to.

Went over some mindfulness concepts and went over the subject matter with her, wrote out cue cards, practiced and practiced and practiced. She seems way happier.

I'll report back if anything more but on right track, all assistance greatly appreciated.

Mystery Egg

You are a fab parent!

draiochtanois

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Glass fused light

I would add get her hearing checked.
One on one I have no problem, but put me in a large cross talking group or noisy room and I am lip reading as much as hearing.

lukesmom

This is my daughter. Socially awkward and anxious. Does really well at school. Dont worry about it too much

the purple tin

Maybe try to get her interested in drama or acting. My cousins youngest was very shy and introverted he loves it and it really helped to bring him out of himself and make friends.

_Whimsical_

There was something on tv about this lately and there was a psychologist offering strategies for young teens with social anxiety.
She said the first thing she does is to start small to build confidence. She gave examples of getting the child to make a phone call that you might normally make on their behalf, like make a doctors appointment or ring a shop to inquire about something. Then move onto getting the child to interact with someone behind the counter in a shop, to ask a question, or to comment on the weather, something like that. Then you reinforce that it went well, or say "well I wouldn't have done any better/ that's what I'd say too/ that's what most people would do/ basically, "you did it well". Then you'd move onto bigger things that engaging in a conversation with a stranger about the weather or whatever. She said that over a couple of months it can make a massive difference just to build that social confidence and that other things like speaking up in school came more naturally after that.
It might be worth a try.

I suppose acknowledge her fear too. Tell her about times that you felt like that, were more afraid that she is now of something, and how you got over it with time , or times you felt you made an idiot of yourself socially but no one really noticed.

witchgirl26

OP - fair play you sound like you're trying to help as much as possible. The purple tin is onto something with the drama idea. I did a singing class that had a performance at the end of term for friends and family. It really helped me with my ability to just even stand in front of a group of people. It was doing something I loved anyway so there was a slight comfort factor. I was in my 20's at the time and my manager in work even commented on the difference in terms of confidence speaking in presentations after it.

clint_silver

draiochtanois wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Family all good. Stable. Both parents at home. Always been the case. No issues. Shes the eldest of 5 girls. (before anyone says anything, yes, I know).

clint_silver

witchgirl26 wrote: »

OP - fair play you sound like you're trying to help as much as possible. The purple tin is onto something with the drama idea. I did a singing class that had a performance at the end of term for friends and family. It really helped me with my ability to just even stand in front of a group of people. It was doing something I loved anyway so there was a slight comfort factor. I was in my 20's at the time and my manager in work even commented on the difference in terms of confidence speaking in presentations after it.

She does music, grades but wont do recitals or join the obligatory "music school band". No problem. Sings to herself in the shower but never in front of anyone. We're flat to the boards, but might try and see if theres something there we can explore though.

clint_silver

Mystery Egg wrote: »

You are a fab parent!

ah go way... bumbling through it same as rest of us and Im sure we get as many things wrong as right but figure as long as communication lines are open we have a chance of getting her and the others out the other side with as few emotional scars as possible.

I dont post much in here in this forum but read a lot of posts, they really are all helpful as much for showing what not to do as to do.

mirrorwall14

clint_silver wrote: »

She does music, grades but wont do recitals or join the obligatory "music school band". No problem. Sings to herself in the shower but never in front of anyone. We're flat to the boards, but might try and see if theres something there we can explore though.

Does she play? Accompanying on piano helped me a lot. I wasn’t centre of attention but was on stage