Would DNA websites reveal too much?

migraine

Maybe someone who has used a DNA testing website can help
I am considering using one of the DNA testing websites to find out who my birth father is (or rather, who he isn't).
I found my birth mother 2 years ago and while she wished me well, she didn't want to connect with me. She was gravely ill at the time and died a couple of months later.
Unfortunately, I had to "reveal" myself to one of her sons in order to get the message to her - I didn't want to, but I felt I was running out of time (I was). Anyway, the reason I decided to go down that route (as well as because I knew she was ill) was because the story I had pieced together from the GRO and my adoption papers (UK adoption - decent amount of info) was that my birth mother and father got married a year after my birth. They had two sons - and so when I couldn't get a direct line (as it were) to my birth mother I revealed who I thought I was to her son (or as I thought, my"full" birth brother).
To cut a long story short, my BM denied her husband was my father and wouldn't give any info about my birth father. But she also made her son promise not to tell his brother about me (bearing in mind these are grown men in their 30s) and it seemed their dad was not going to be told either. (BTW - I am not judging her here at all).
I am in contact with both my "brothers" now - and one of them keeps saying that he wouldn't be surprised if we do have the same father and that if I ever want to do a DNA test he would do one too. But - secretive person that I am (hmmm - I think I may get that from my BM!) - I would like to do a DNA test and see if it matches any of my "birth father's" family on one of the databases. BUT - I have never been on one of these databases and I was just wondering whether you have to upload a photo and your full name etc?
Basically I don't want my birth extended family to see it - to see me (I am like my birth mother's twin - rather upsetting for my poor brothers) - and to realise whose child I am.
I don't want to upset anyone - but I do want to know is the man whose name (and age, and brief family history, etc) is all over my adoption papers is my Birth father. I just want to know. Anyone got any advice? thanks a mill

Hermy

You shouldn't have too many concerns about privacy above and beyond the usual you'd have with any internet service.

You certainly don't have to upload a photo or disclose your name.

I've done the Ancestry DNA test under an alias (my birth name) and it's up to me how much or how little I want others to see of my results or what contact I have with other users of the site.

Ghekko

You'd be relying on members of your birth fathers family having done the test too. You may get a match to a 2nd cousin for instance. If that was the case how would you plan to take this information and find out if that cousin was in fact your birth fathers relative? Would you make contact or do you know surnames of your alleged birth fathers relatives in which case you would then know you are related to him? I would suggest yourself and your brother do the test and the results will be telling. You would be matched to each other anyway, but if you have the same father you would also both be matched to same relatives on his side and at least your brother will have inside knowledge of the fathers relatives names/surnames. I suppose I just don't see the point in being secretive when your brother is willing to do the DNA test.

migraine

thanks for the info, hermy

yes, I understand what you're saying ghekko, that it is reliant on my alleged birth father's relatives having done the test. But to stack the odds a bit more in my favour, if they have, I do know a wealth of family names from both his and my birth mother's families and where they live and originate from. Also, if any other half-siblings were revealed (again - highly doubtful that they'd have done the test but you never know) then I would know that my alleged birth father is not my father as he has definitely not had children with anyone else. I guess it could come up with a big, fat load of nothing - that's why I am procrastinating.

And I'm not being secretive just for the sake of it, I do have my reasons - and that is why I'm not keen on my b bro doing the test too.

Ghekko

If you know surnames then it will definitely be easier. In that case you should probably go ahead - good luck and hope you find answers :-)

pinkypinky

I tested myself and my brother - we know already we're siblings but I'm interested in the genealogy angle of the matches.
The database immediately emailed me saying they'd found a full sibling for me when his results were uploaded.
It is by far the easiest way to solve your problem.

migraine

thanks pinky pinky - I have done the DNA test now and am seeing one of my brothers (the one who said he'd get tested before I'd ever brought it up) in July, so I might just ask him about doing a test when I see him. Strangely enough, the paternal part of my supposed birth family is already quite well documented on my heritage - someone else has done it and he is "estranged" from the family as it is his fathers family but I think his father was never really in his life (he was married to this guy's mother though). Anyway - if this guy has taken the DNA test then he should come up as some kind of match (if my suspected birth father is my birth father) as our fathers are brothers - so we would be first cousins. If no match with him then I know someone else is my father. I just hope he's done the test! He seems big on genealogy but he's only about 20 and might consider the testing too expensive, especially as he knows who his parents are (his mother is dead, hence his interest/search I guess).

pinkypinky

Just remember he might not have tested with the same company as you. If you've used two different ones, you can both upload to the free third party site www.gedmatch.com which will provide matches from other databases, where people have uploaded.