12 year relationship - 8 month marriage ending - devastated

sashafierce

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JustAThought

OP glad to read that you have made some posutive changes and that your friends and famiky have been so supportive. I woildnt take the advice of one here who says to cut out all your friends and find new ones - old friends are very important and although it may be tricky and there may be some conflicting loyalties and losses she should not get to keep all your friends on top of everything else she has destroyed. Stay strong. Thinking of you.

joeduffy382

sashafierce wrote: »

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Hey, sorry I haven't had a chance to respond as yet.

I hope you are doing okay. I can't say that I am alrite but I'm alive and kicking and have leaned on friends and family where they were required.

My only advice to you is to speak to someone who is completely removed from the situation and can give you totally objective advice, ideally a counselor or similar. Honestly the best decision I've made in all of this shambles has been to do that. I hope today is a good day for you.

sashafierce

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SoapMcTavish

corcaigh1 wrote: »

F*ck that, people have been married 20 or 30 years and have broken up, divorced etc and got over it and moved on with their lives...


You wont be on your own for too long dont worry about that, its tough but time is all it takes to get over it and you will move on and be happy with your life. Your still very young, cut her loose and drive on...

My marriage of 24 years ended just before Christmas - so apart around 6 months now. She moved out. We are legally separated, and I've paid her a fair share of the equity in the house.
I was devastated. Saw no hope. Saw myself alone forever. Missed her touch. The chats. The comfortable silences. Missed us.
But I dragged myself up. Found activities outside the pub. Took up an instrument. Found new circles. New friends. Started exercising properly.
I can honestly say that I have never been so happy. I have lots of new interesting friends. I've hooked up with some lovely and fun girls. I'm very busy. I'm excited and exhausted all the time now.
Time is the key. And activity. The first few months were very difficult. But I had to start minding myself. And it has paid off. My old friends are still around. We still do the normal buddy things. But I have so many new options now too.
It sound trite to say it'll get better. I didn't believe that. But it does. My wife will always be the love of my life, but I have a 2nd life now. With new and different emotions and relationships. I'm single - took me a while to realize that ! So there are no barriers.
I know it hurts and I'm sorry for your situation. And looking at this thread - there are a lot of us in the same boat. Time will heal the heart, company and activity will heal your soul. Best wishes.

sashafierce

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SoapMcTavish

sashafierce wrote: »

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The only girl I ever really argued with is my wife. We had some challenges in recent years. Bereavements can lead us all to question our choices, and futures.
We both have corporate jobs. Hers requires a lot of travel. We lost something. Something intangible. Not the love. But maybe the desire ? The passion ? She recognized this and acted on it. I was blindsided. But it turns out she was correct. We were in cruise mode. She wants to be happy. And she wants me to be happy.
I didn't choose this breakup. But I will not let it define me - I'll be brave from now on. I'm healing. And I'll get out the other side. Nearly there.

sashafierce

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Colser

sashafierce wrote: »

I always think once there is love there is hope but I don't know If I am right in that thinking anymore

I thought so too but now I know that there needs to be trust ..you can fall back in love but once the trust is gone it's gone imo.

UsBus

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Hi all, just a little update to say that I'm still alive and kicking. We are now living apart and that has become the new normal, there's no real sight of a resolution on the horizon.

I'm changing jobs in 2 months, taking a month off in between, planning to do a little travelling. Very lonely but my mates & family have been unbelievably good to me so saying yes to every offer of a meetup or call that comes my way.

Reading through your post OP was tough. It brought back a lot of memories for me. 12 months ago this week, my ex announced after 3 years of marriage that she wanted to split up. We were together for 5 years before marrying. I was gutted at the time, even though I knew things were up and down between us, but never any major rows or fights. I posted on here at the time, and received some excellent advice from some very sound posters, much of which I have tried to stick to since. My initial though like you, was how was I going to go back to being on my own, moving out, and the loneliness that comes with all of that.

I spent a lot of time in the gym for the first 6 months, trying to fill as much time as possible. I've a very small family, but they were brilliant even though my moods were all over the place. My few friends are at the settled with young kids stage so I couldn't just pick up with the pub every week. It's a different scene these days.

The loneliness is tough, no doubt about it, still is at times. Absolutely everyone you see seems to be a couple..But if I can offer any advice at all, don't be in a rush to sort everything out. When relationships end, memories and all that closeness take time to fade, but they will. Try and enjoy your own company and don't be in a panic to meet someone.

I moved from my home into a rented room, has been up and down, mostly fine though, meeting new people through work and trying to reestablish connections. I have a mortgage application going through to get my own place, although I'm not rushing to get it done. I've met someone recently as well, it's early days but am enjoying new experiences..

Give it time & you will move on. For me, I realised I was terrified of being on my own more than missing the relationship. That made the change a lot easier for me. Best of luck in the coming months. Keep talking and meeting up with people, not always easy but it definitely has helped me.

joeduffy382

Thanks again to anyone who has posted and it is very uplifting to hear of people who have come through this. For anyone fresh into it, talk to someone as much as you can, unload your mind.

I'm not sure of the etiquette here about posting only every so often, apologies if I'm out of line.

Having a tough week to be honest, some of the "he said, she said" stuff has begun and it has gotten a little bit fractious at times. I'm trying very very hard to keep above it but I know that she has told people that "we broke up, it didn't work out" which is a little disingenuous to my mind. I'm purposely not asking anyone what she has said to them as I don't want to put them in a position of betraying that trust and trying to take the higher road and a longer term view on things.

I've shut off social media stuff for a while, I'm eating well and have been doing a lot of cycling and going to the gym. Finding that the actual act of going to bed is actually one of the hardest parts at the moment as there is no place left to hide from the fact I am very much alone once the light goes out. Winter is on my mind at the moment as the weather at the minute completely lends itself to getting out and being active in an attempt to tire myself out. "Winter is coming" :rolleyes::o

All in, I'm okay but just finding it tough to adjust to this new state of being on my own, albeit with amazing friends and family around me. A million thanks again to everyone who has taken the time out to comment and pass on their message of support or shared their experience. I had no idea how much a text message, call, quick chat, or even a random posting from an internet person on a message board can mean to someone until now.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note
OP, the thread can remain open for as long as you need it. You are going through a tough time, and if getting advice from people here can help you through, even if only occasionally, then we are happy to facilitate that.

Non-Mod Note!
She is going to minimise her fault in the breakdown of your relationship. She's very unlikely to tell people what really happened. You make sure that the people who are important to you know what happened so they have the information they need to support you.

Others are irrelevant. They don't need to know the details. If there are mutual friends, word will leak out to them. If she suddenly has a new boyfriend that she's introducing people to, they'll put 2 and 2 together. I'm not sympathising with her in any way, but if she is continuing this relationship with him, then she will be lying to everyone close to her about the start of it. It can't be a comfortable position she's I'm, and of course she'll know that there are many people who do know the real truth.

You are doing so well. If you think back to the start of this and you honestly could see no way forward, now, even though it is still very early days, you are already feeling better about the whole thing. Winter is a long way off yet, don't worry about that!

I hope other people in similar circumstances will read your post and be able to take hope from it.

KrustyUCC

Fair play OP

Great to hear that you are eating well, getting exercise and have the support of amazing friends and family

It can't be easy to keep the higher road

I know that I couldn't esp with the way she treated you

Like BBOC said word will leak out as to the real reason behind the break up

There will be tough weeks but it's great how far you have come

Keep the focus on eating well, exercise and getting out

It all helps

SoapMcTavish

And move out of your comfort zone. Go to events and get togethers that are outside of your norm.

That's what I've done and I've met some great people and move in some new circles now. New experiences. And maybe some closer friendships too !!!

Best wishes. Keep moving forward. The load will get lighter with time. Promise.

heretothere

Well done OP, you sound like you're doing great. Don't worry about winter just enjoy the summer.

MissShihTzu

That's it. Baby steps. You're gong through a very bad patch, but you seem to be doing really well.

You're right to ignore the 'he said, she said' stuff. You and she know what went down, you're dealing with it, you have support and that's all that matters. ****everyone else and their tuppence worth! Their lives must be pretty bleak if they are listening to gossip.

Enjoy the weather, and look after yourself!

joeduffy382

Hi all, on a bit of a downer at the minute as I'm sick and the reality of being on my own when I could do with some company is really biting. I've had very little contact with my (ex I guess) wife recently, we both have solicitors and it's almost down to finding a number to settle our financial affairs.

My mates are still checking in on me but they obviously have their own lives to lead and I don't want to be wrecking their head with my stuff all the time either. I heard back through a friend that she's touting a "I made a mistake and it went too far" story which is disingenuous at best and very calculating at worst. I feel like there is absolutely no equity in this situation, over the last few weeks I've had to tell my extended family the truth about why they haven't seen us together and why I've been out of sorts, she is totally scott-free of any of the fallout. She's started to set the scene for herself and this guy aswell at work by saying that "we broke up" without the rest of the story, it's really bugging me now that she can leave people to fill in the gaps maybe with bad thoughts about me.

I've been out and about with friends but I've found that a certain point in the night comes where I'm fully expecting to see them come around the corner together without a care in the world and that's kinda the night ruined as I'm just scanning the crowd and I know it's time to go home. I've already had the experience of seeing this guy out, he didn't spot me, in a massive crowd. I weighed up all of the options, decided there was nothing positive to be achieved so finished my beer and walked away.

I'm venting here but just putting down a couple of bad days. I was missing her and our life together last night so in an attempt to snap myself out of it, I read through text messages that she had sent me that I know now were bare-faced lies. I know this is going to be a rollercoaster for a while but it's the lack of justice and equity that's really getting to me at the moment.

/rant

I hope all of the other people who have posted about their experiences are doing well, thanks again to you all.

nikkibikki

joeduffy382 wrote:

I'm venting here but just putting down a couple of bad days. I was missing her and our life together last night so in an attempt to snap myself out of it, I read through text messages that she had sent me that I know now were bare-faced lies. I know this is going to be a rollercoaster for a while but it's the lack of justice and equity that's really getting to me at the moment.

The life you miss though was a lie. She isn't who you thought she was. Get your side of the story out there if that'll make you feel better. Will it though? You don't have to do it maliciously. Get your friends to correct the people who are coming to them with her version.

SoapMcTavish

joeduffy382 wrote: »

I'm venting here but just putting down a couple of bad days. I was missing her and our life together last night so in an attempt to snap myself out of it, I read through text messages that she had sent me that I know now were bare-faced lies. I know this is going to be a rollercoaster for a while but it's the lack of justice and equity that's really getting to me at the moment.

Just last week - my ex of 24 yr marriage came out with the "new" relationship/partner thing too. They've been in some intimate situations and locations for a couple who've just got together. And I think everyone can see that. Truth is - I believe this bloke was there during our marriage. Probably a work colleague ?
Anyway - changes nothing for me. We are separated. Don't care what she does any more. Don't care if she's happy or sad. All I care about now is myself, and my son - who lives with me. Only forward.
I've changed my outlook on life, and become much more outgoing. As a result, I've met plenty of ladies. Some very young and full of energy, some older - my own age ( 40's ). And even a few older ladies. The fear is gone.
It took time, but my ex is not the first thought on my mind in the morning anymore. The pain has become a background noise that only hurts when I choose to hear it. I recognize now all the things that were wrong in my marriage, and I won't make those mistakes again if I get serious with anyone. I actually believe that breaking up was the right thing for us. I like me now. I like this happy me. My life now is going to be the life I choose.
Best wishes.

ginandtonicsky

Ah sorry to hear you're going through a bad spell OP. For what it's worth, I personally have found how you've handled yourself throughout this inspiring to say the least (that's coming from someone who was a hot mess of emotions and irrational behaviours for more than a year in the aftermath of my breakup!) You've exhibited dignity and grace and if I can pick that up on an anonymous message board, you can be sure that's what's coming across in real-life too. So I wouldn't worry too much about "clearing your name" or any of that stuff.

It also shows a big contrast between you and your ex, who has clearly lacked integrity and honesty from the get-go here. She obviously doesn't deserve you.

I think how she's handling it and attempting to gloss over the details is to be expected - she's hardly going to tell people "I messed up my marriage by having an affair". She'll spin it in such a way to get off scot-free, illicit sympathy and make way for someone new, whether it's this guy or someone else.

Don't worry about her now, just keep powering through. The pain and loneliness can be so intense - I still get waves of it - but it lessens over time. I think the last poster described it very well - it becomes a background noise that doesn't have to dictate the course of your day after a certain amount of time. I've noticed I'll have good days and bad days, the good ones are usually when I'm too busy and have too much to think about to have room for the sadness.

I hope you get well soon and keep posting here if it helps - we're all rooting for you. You're a good 'un

joeduffy382

Morning all, hope ye are all having a good Sunday.

It's been a while since I posted in here and it has been a bit of a rollercoaster. In one of the troughs of that particular metaphor at the moment unfortunately. I'm feeling quite angry about the whole situation at the moment. I've decided to buy out my ex's interest in the house that we purchased a few years back and though it gives me security and I can afford to do so (just) it seems utterly bizarre that I'm handing over a bag of cash to the person who has so significantly damaged me and my family mentally, physically and emotionally over the last few months, I really can't square away that feeling of injustice and it's getting to me recently.

I've started a new job and that has given me a lot of positive distractions and an outlet for pent up energy but unfortunately I haven't been sleeping well again recently so that is affecting my work. I also had a pretty traumatic (to me) experience where I was out for a run and spotted my ex, our dog and this new guy out for a walk and coffee where we used to go. I was running past and it took me a few metres to comprehend what I was seeing so was past them by the time I stopped. I've relived that moment a few times and regret not seeing him sooner so that the thinking time would have been shortened and I could have gone with pure instinct and flattened the c***t. I'm well aware of how petty and childish that sounds but it's what I've been feeling. Instead, in the few seconds it took me to stop my rational brain took over and I walked away without saying anything.

That theme has been the source of recent frustration. I've done the "don't get mad" piece but can't seem to A) find a way to "get even" and decide if that's even the right path. I'm slowly arriving to the conclusion that it won't happen and I'm struggling with that reality. I really want to torpedo the image that she is projecting of having tried to fix a bad situation and then finding comfort in the arms of the colleague, it's absolute BS. But, I've held my counsel and only spoken privately to friends. I know it's the better path in the long run but the desire to lash out and blow up that persona she's created in her professional and personal live is very real.

It hasn't been all bad, I've reconnected with so many friends who are absolutely amazing, I'm travelling a lot and have a regular fitness regime. I've also been commended by so many people on "how well I'm handling" the situation but unfortunately it's cold comfort when I'm getting into bed on my own and the light goes out. This weekend has been particularly **** as she brought the dude that she cheated with 6 months into our marriage with to meet parents and our previous social circle. That is really tough to get my head around.

I'm venting here and I know a lot of the above sounds bonkers. The point of this post is to get it out of my head though so I'm okay with that.

Positives

• Amazing friends and family
• I'm about to secure my home
• New job & people
• Health is improving
• In general, I'm in good form. I have a lot of perspective on how little this matters in the grand scheme of things and my venting usually happens somewhere like this or with a close friend or two

Negatives

• Recurring stress and lack of sleep
• Desire for revenge is very real
• Loneliness
• Sense of injustice at how this is playing out

I hope ye are all doing well and thanks again for reading and your support.

Unanimous

Big ups to you for handling it so well.
Try meditating thinking of the positive things more often.
Have a hopeful slogan that you say when meditating or when negative feelings come around.
Things can only get better for you at this point.
When one comes down, there is always a recovery.
Please try not to think of her but of yourself.
you may feel bad when you remember her but reassure yourself that you have eventually been rid of something that doesn't belong in your life (she willfully hurt her family without doing things the right way if she wasn't interested anymore)
Had you not found out you would have had a cheater as a wife so that's one thing to celebrate.
It will get better.

Johnson_76

I've been there man. I know exactly how you feel. I had all those sleepless nights and rage, and wanting to "kill" the ither guy.

I kept my side of the street clean. Did not react, kept my head down, took care of my mental health, low and behold a yearly later I met my now wife and we have kids and everything now.

I count my blessings quite often , that I had a lucky escape, and most importantly, that I didn't react .

Funnily enough I met the other party recently and shook his hand. I never thought I'd see the day.

Keep doing what you are doing.

UsBus

If it helps you at all OP, you should know that she will never be at ease with what she did. Time passed by and memories fade, but deep down she will always know what she did was wrong and it will never sit comfortably with her.

And for him, the other guy, starting a relationship with someone who has cheated on their partner and knowing the history of what happened. He's never going to be at ease with her in their relationship.

You are so much better off starting fresh away from them knowing you are the better person in all of this. Don't waste time or energy on them, just show how well you are doing..

zapper55

Print off UsBus's post and read it whenever you are feeling low or angry. They will never be at peace in that relationship. You are going through the worst of it now but it will get better.

Ursus Horribilis

You're shown a lot more class in the way you've behaved than she did. I think many people will work out what was going on anyway. On the one hand you're still dealing with the break-up and nowhere nearly ready to start dating again. On the other, there goes your ex with this new man on her arm within a few short months of her marriage ending. That's a very quick turnaround... Even though she has introduced him to her parent and to your mutual friends, you can bet your bottom dollar that everyone'll be trying to suss out what's going on. I wouldn't be so quick to assume that people will buy the stories she's peddling.

Rck888746

OP, some things you can keep in mind about your rage and desire of revenge:

- She will never be 100% at ease with what she did. The fact that she doesn't tell people the truth shows how ashamed of it all she really is. She knows it is an awful thing and has to live with it forever.

- He also will never be at ease with her. The first small motive he has to doubt her, the first thing that will come to his mind is "well, she DID cheat on her loooong term partner, so...". This will always be in the back of his mind.

I know you think this is not enough for what they did, especially her... but eventually this desire will just fade away. One day you will wake up and realise it is not worth it to do anything, and that is one of the days you'll know you are making a huge progress torwards healing completely.

SeaFields

To be fair OP I don't think you could have possibly foreseen yourself writing what you wrote this morning 7 months ago. You seem to be in a much better place albeit not all the way there. That too will come. You've shown serious strength to get to here. Keep on going.

heretothere

You sound like you're doing amazingly well done. I don't blame you for wanting some form of 'revenge' I think it's ok to want to make her feel as bad as she's made you feel. In the long run though you're doing the right thing by being the bigger person.

She can't be feeling good about what she's done, but it's done now and there's no going back. I doubt her friends and family are fully buying what she's saying either

joeduffy382

Johnson_76 wrote: »

Funnily enough I met the other party recently and shook his hand. I never thought I'd see the day.

Really not seeing that happening unless it's in some kind of Hans Gruber dangling off a building situation!

Thanks all, again, for the help and support.

One of the things I'm really struggling with at the moment is the impact this is having on my parents and grandparents. They live away from where I'm based and are really struggling to get to grips with this whole ****ty situation and I feel responsible for that.

I've also been pretty disciplined with about not asking mutual friends for info / gossip etc. as I don't want to sully my relationship with them but I'm really struggling with the fact that some of them sat down with her and the guy for dinner, less than a year after attending our wedding. Some of them are very "flimsy" and will just agree with whatever's being said at the time but I expected more from others. I know that on principle, there's no way I'd do that. Am I being unreasonable here?

Again, thanks for all the help and support. I'm going to see my counsellor this evening for a chat but this also really helps, ye are a good bunch.

LegacyUser

If the friends who are sitting down to dinner with her and this guy are more "her" friends, it's to be expected even if they know the truth. Your true friends won't entertain her. Certainly if you were a friend of mine I wouldn't be of a mind to break bread with your ex. I think it's natural for there to be a shifting of friends - some will support her and others will support you. I wouldn't take it personally, it's just the way these things go. Although it is natural for you to feel a bit upset over it given that you are the wronged party here.

Just keep on doing what you're doing and when the dust settles you'll see where you stand with certain people. But these people won't really matter so much at that stage.

Porklife

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Really not seeing that happening unless it's in some kind of Hans Gruber dangling off a building situation!

Thanks all, again, for the help and support.

One of the things I'm really struggling with at the moment is the impact this is having on my parents and grandparents. They live away from where I'm based and are really struggling to get to grips with this whole ****ty situation and I feel responsible for that.

I've also been pretty disciplined with about not asking mutual friends for info / gossip etc. as I don't want to sully my relationship with them but I'm really struggling with the fact that some of them sat down with her and the guy for dinner, less than a year after attending our wedding. Some of them are very "flimsy" and will just agree with whatever's being said at the time but I expected more from others. I know that on principle, there's no way I'd do that. Am I being unreasonable here?

Again, thanks for all the help and support. I'm going to see my counsellor this evening for a chat but this also really helps, ye are a good bunch.

You're not being unreasonable at all. You know your personal benchmark and sense of loyalty so when your friends don't display the same level it's really disappointing. I've a childhood friend who's wife cheated on him and as soon as I heard, I deleted her from my life. I actually really liked her but my loyalty was to my pal and I vowed never to speak to her again after what she did to him.

For the record, as heartbreaking as reading this thread has been, you sound like such an amazing man and it's inspirational reading how you've handled all of this. Things will undoubtedly turn around for you. Nobody can possibly believe the story she has spun. Even if your marriage was in trouble, the time frame within she got with that prick would have to raise eyebrows.

You are well rid of someone like her and that guy isn't a patch on the man you are.

Green&Red

Those people aren’t stupid, they can see what’s happened and you can be guaranteed they’re judging her. Likewise for her family, people can spot a ****ty act when they see it

Keyzer

joeduffy382 wrote: »

I've also been pretty disciplined with about not asking mutual friends for info / gossip etc. as I don't want to sully my relationship with them but I'm really struggling with the fact that some of them sat down with her and the guy for dinner, less than a year after attending our wedding. Some of them are very "flimsy" and will just agree with whatever's being said at the time but I expected more from others. I know that on principle, there's no way I'd do that. Am I being unreasonable here?

Pretty easy for me to sit behind a keyboard and type what I'm about to type, I haven't walked in your shoes and couldn't imagine the rollercoaster ride you've been on over the last year.

That said, if it were me, I'd find it very difficult to keep this to myself when it comes to mutual friends etc. I'd want them to know the whole, sh1tty truth vs letting them believe the bs coming from your ex.

Porklife

Couldn't agree more with the above poster. I'd take her down big time if I was in your shoes. What she did is unforgivable and then to throw salt in the wounds she spins a fabricated version of events to protect herself and the new guy. No regard for you. Absolute weapon.

C3PO

Went though a similar experience OP and you find out pretty quickly who your real friends are! It was my family who were always there for me!

splinter65

Rck888746 wrote: »

OP, some things you can keep in mind about your rage and desire of revenge:

- She will never be 100% at ease with what she did. The fact that she doesn't tell people the truth shows how ashamed of it all she really is. She knows it is an awful thing and has to live with it forever.

- He also will never be at ease with her. The first small motive he has to doubt her, the first thing that will come to his mind is "well, she DID cheat on her loooong term partner, so...". This will always be in the back of his mind.

I know you think this is not enough for what they did, especially her... but eventually this desire will just fade away. One day you will wake up and realise it is not worth it to do anything, and that is one of the days you'll know you are making a huge progress torwards healing completely.

My friend was dumped like this by his wife of 22 years for a guy nearly 20 years her junior.
She was so anxious to not be seen as the bad guy at the time that she hinted strongly that my friend had physically and mentally abused her, thus driving her into the arms of another.
She later retracted these claims but only when she saw that no one believed her (her 3 teenage children and her widowed father who lived with them all took her husbands side) and that it was putting her in an almost worse light.
She lost all her friends and extended family over this young guy and even though she did get back onside with most people over time, she has recently been dumped by him herself, in a most hurtful and public manner.
She dealt with it very badly, a late middle aged woman ranting and venting and wailing every night on her Facebook page like a young teenager. It was excruciating to watch.
She’s getting over it now but all her interpersonal relationships are damaged by the whole thing which is going on for 10 years now.

Neyite

A lot of mutual friends will probably be thinking stuff that they'll never verbalise.

Someone I know left her husband and there was suddenly a new boyfriend on the scene and it's so obvious that they were far too coupled up for the time frame she claims she was single in. Nobody has said it to her, as there would only be denials but nobody is fooled one bit.

To the outside world, her family were supportive, met the new lad at her insistence and all that but privately everyone thought very differently.

As strong as the urge to cause damage to their new relationship is, keep doing what you are doing and keep resisting and keep being non-reactive. In time when you look back you'll be proud that you kept to the higher moral ground and behaved with dignity. By all means, entertain yourself with elaborate fantasies of what you'd like to do, but keep those in your head. An ex of mine walked away blithely and left an absolute mess behind. It took me a good year to feel like I was going to be ok again afterwards. I had passing glimpses of him a couple of times during that time where I wondered if I should have said something. I'm glad I didn't because it would have been 'proof' that I was the crazy clingy ex he was telling everyone I was in order to make himself look better. And he would have gotten a kick out of seeing me still care enough about him to say something. Ignoring him was a way better strategy to counteract the rumours (he's the kind of guy that HATES being ignored as well so that was a nice side-bonus). And I look back and I'm proud that I never lost that last bit of dignity to him.

Goodigal

Good to hear you are listing positives. I do that some days. I had a bad time of it this year. Husband walked out after 13 years of marriage and 2 children, but not before telling me he had fathered a child with someone else. To say I hit rock bottom would be understating things, but I had to keep going for my children, and the support of family and friends is the only thing that kept me going. It embraces you and pushes you through those awful sleepless nights when you wonder what you could have done to change things.
You are lucky you don't have children in the mix of your emotions. Plus I still have to see him as he visits the children. Keep the bright side out, keep talking to your counsellor and always think that if she is capable of doing that to you, you are the lucky one to be out of it now. We don't deserve these things to happen to us, and her choices led to this. Not yours. Keep going. The next part of your life is only starting.

spaceHopper

By spring the ink could be dry on buying her out of the house. She'll be the one looking to buy a new home and in today's market that won't be easy. She'll be the one looking over her shoulder and worrying what people say. She'll be the cheater coupled up with a home wrecker. He'll be wondering every time she's away what she's getting up to. But for now don't waste energy on negative thoughts about them.

Keep it civil until you've bought her out and the marriage is legally dissolved by annulment or divorce. Go for an annulment if you can. That way when you meet somebody else you can have church wedding or civil one whatever you are both into. And a soon as you are free you can easily let the full story come out.

LuckyLloyd

Sounds like you’re doing the right things in looking after yourself, moving your career forward, etc. Your desire for a moment of “justice” is perfectly normal I’d say, It would be great to have a definable moment where she faces approbrium for her actions, and he faces a reckoning in some way. Leaving aside how unlikely that is, in time those feelings will subside and pass. But it takes time, the only real healer.

I think part of what makes these situations so frustrating and upsetting is that we lack a real language to describe the motivations that underpin them. I’ll very comfortably assume that your wife has never once externalised in an honest way her true motivations or thoughts on the decisions she made to anyone. Not the guy she cheated with, not you, not her family and certainly not her friends. All parties probably get some slightly different narrative where her responsibility is minimimized and the selfishness and callousness of her actions downplayed. People who do these things generally don’t discuss them honestly and openly past a certain age and - as a consequence - they’re very difficult to understand and draw a line underneath.

As a consequence we’re left guessing, struggling to square the person we thought / hoped we knew with detestable actions completely foreign to us. The hard part is accepting that you won’t understand her mind, the real why. In time though you’ll realise you don’t want to because it’s truly toxic.

Keep doing what you’re doing; conduct your close out of joint affairs with legal support and look into an annulment as suggested above. You dodged a bullet.

ManOfMystery

Things will get better OP.

A friend of mine was in an almost identical situation to you. Had been with his partner for almost 11yrs, they got married, and within 1yr the marriage was over as she did the dirt on him.

This was about 7 yrs ago. He took a while to come to terms with it, but eventually realised that he wasn't to blame - he had always treated his partner well, but mentally she had checked out of the relationship but still allowed herself to be carried along by the allure of a grand white wedding and all that accompanies it. She never once expressed to him how she really felt. Of course, a wedding isn't a fix for a fractured relationship and predictably once the honeymoon was over and 'normal' life resumed, she realised that this was it for the rest of her life - and her answer to that was to look for something exciting and risky - another man. She never really considered his feelings, and if she had she might have been honest with him or considered counselling. In short, her actions were selfish and centred around her.

Anyhow, 7yrs on he is in a new relationship with a great girl and is very happy. And he's accepted now that for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page. Something was not right in the marriage (even if he was oblivious to it) and sooner or later that would have manifested itself in an affair or some other self-destructive behaviour.

You're in a difficult spot right now where you're trying to do two things; still deal with the emotional, financial and logistical fallout of your marriage ending - and also try to build a new life for yourself. It's hard, but you've been handling things as well as you possibly can so far and I've every confidence if you continue as you are then you will see the light at the end of the tunnel and reach some form of contentment again. You should be proud of yourself because as we speak there are thousands of relationships around the world in the throes of failure, and many of these will end up with very negative outcomes - drink, drugs, abuse, poverty, etc. I don't think you could have handled things any better really.

Mousewar

I've read your account of this awful business with interest. My one comment would be that in nearly every situation I've ever had experience of or read about, once the dust settles and time has passed and moved on and perhaps a new relationship has started, every single person seems to look back at the failed marriage and think "Thank **** I got out of that. I'm so much better off now." I trust the same will happen for you, especially as you've handled things so well thus far.
All the best.

ChrissieH

I've read this whole thread just now, for the first time, and all I can say is "wow!"
As so many other posters have said, you really come across as such a decent man; the traits that jump out from your posts are loyalty, kindness, sensitivity and intelligence, so I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that when you are ready to meet someone new, you will find a really great woman who has the maturity to appreciate your qualities.

I would imagine that maybe your ex wife was looking for something to make herself feel a bit more fun / younger / desired / whatever, having been in the one serious long-term relationship for such a long time. I don't mean to sound flippant in saying that, but honestly, not everyone can stay committed to a long-term relationship when they're in their 20s and of course I know that if that's the case, then she should never have gotten married to you and she should absolutely never have had an affair, I'm not for one second justifying her actions, but I remember my college boyfriend, who I was with from the age of 18 - 25 and even though I was absolutely besotted with him for ages, I began to go off with other guys when I'd go home at weekends without him, and to this day, I know he was probably the best 'marriage material' guy I've ever met in so many ways, but I just wasn't ready to be with 1 person for the rest of my life so I broke up the relationship and moved back to the other side of the country from where he's from.
At the time we broke up, it didn't matter to me how lovely he was - I just felt resentful of him and bored and like I still had a lot of living left to do that didn't include being settled down with 1 man.
Again, I know that in your case, getting married does add a totally deeper dimension to things and I'm not trying to compare my situation, or make light of what your ex did, I suppose I'm just thinking that maybe if I tell you about myself, it might help you to see her bad behaviour less personally and more objectively, and therefore see how transparent she actually is. Once a bit of time went by for me, I could look back objectively and see that it was my own immaturity and desire to be free that caused my dissatisfaction with the relationship, even though at the time, it was easier to blame him for "making me feel" bored or whatever.

Your ex sounds a bit like how I was in my mid-20s.. quite insecure and a bit immature deep down, although nobody would ever have said that about me because I completely had my sh*t together on the surface, I was always described as confident, sensible, reliable, responsible etc. and I am all of those things too, but I really needed to be on my own to grow up and become properly confident and secure in myself - now I would never EVER dream of cheating on anyone, I have since had another long-term relationship which was completely different to my first, and brilliant in loads of different ways, but that too came to an end and I am now married to a man that I have been totally in love with for 10 years.
So I suppose I am an advocate for NOT staying with your first serious partner because I know how much I've changed from my 20s til now, and I know that brilliant as my ex was, there is no way I could have been happy being with any 1 person for the last 20 years, him or anyone else, so while I know it was horrible that you two went through with marriage only for her to do this to you, I do firmly believe that things will get SO much better for you in time and you'll meet someone that's really perfect for you as a man in his 30s.
That's not to say that you will just forget about her, you might always hold a torch for her and she will probably stay in your mind for a long, long time, but don't worry about that - it's your time / life to do what you want with it, there's no point in trying to push yourself to get over her or to suddenly start doing mad things that you don't want to do, just because other people are suggesting that you should.

average hero

Hi OP,

I have just read this thread and you are an inspiration to have continued the way you are!

To address a few things you mentioned, sleep needs to be the number one thing that you could try to improve. With regards to your desire for revenge, martial arts would probably be an excellent way to channel your aggression, learn a new skill and improve sleep through exercise. It would also distract you as you can't think of many other things when somebody is about to throw a punch at your head or about to choke you out! Seriously though, the discipline and confidence you would get from sticking at something like that will change your life. It did mine. Consider it.

With regard to loneliness and injustice you are feeling, I would ask you to reshape how you view that. In the long-term, the new fella won't have a moment's peace as he will always know that the woman in question cheated on her husband. She won't value or respect him just like she didn't value you. She is probably deeply unhappy at how things have panned out, despite appearances.

The wheel of karma sometimes takes it's time to come around but it ALWAYS does. All that glitters is not gold, so while it is understandable that you may pine for her at times, it is better that she is gone, far away from a decent bloke like yourself.

Take care.

nev85

Hi Joe,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I've just read your entire thread. I'm going through something very similar. A 16 year relationship, childhood sweethearts, an engagement, bought a house together.

He has been cheating with an older separated woman from work with three kids... To say I am devastated is an understatement. I thought we had a whole life ahead, marriage, children, holidays, experiences... But that is all gone.

It's been over three months, I'm still thinking about him all the time, wishing there was something he could do to make it right but I know there's nothing. He has treated me appallingly.

I've taken up some new hobbies, very slowly trying to piece a new life together. The loneliness can be unbearable. I'm in our new home with all the things we picked together and we're so excited about and he is living with her and her children, it is unbelievable.

I read your story and see the progress you have made and the support from people on this thread and it has made me feel a small bit more hopeful. This is a tough time of year though...

The_Honeybadger

Op I can only imagine what you have been through and fair play to you in dealing with it with dignity and relative calm.

Your ex may well see her huge mistake once the lusting stage is over with this new guy. I have heard of this kind of thing before with couples who are together from a young age, no excuse on her part of course.

One positive is that this happened before things got even more complicated with kids etc. I still can’t imagine the shock you must have experienced.

I do recognise how your social lives and circle of friends became wholly intertwined being in such a long relationship and that is a tough thing to deal with. There will be occasions where you will bump in to your ex and that will be deeply uncomfortable. I broke up with a girl many years ago and like yourself we had many close mutual friends and it was awkward for everyone. I ended up moving away and I hardly see any of them now.

I also understand the feelings of betrayal with some of your friends meeting up with her and her new fella but that was inevitable really. They were not part of your relationship and shouldn’t be asked to take sides although ultimately some will probably fall one way or another.

It sounds like you are in good employment, good health and fitness, own your own house etc. You have a lot going for you and you will overcome this and meet someone new if that is what you want. Good luck to you.

The_Honeybadger

@nev85 very sorry to read about what you are going through it must be utterly devastating. Please keep taking care of yourself and work on your own health and happiness, this time of year will be especially difficult I hope you have good people around you.

JupiterKid

Reading through this thread makes me think of a similar situation whereby a friend from my college days and was going out with and got engaged quickly to her partner had her marriage fall apart just months into it.

Her partner had been cheating on her for over a year before the wedding and she had strong suspicions but like you OP, she was terrified of being single, and had the added pressure of a pushy family wanting their "big day out" and for her to give them their first grandchildren ASAP. She did her best to keep up appearances and tried to paint an outward picture that all was fine when it clearly was not.

The final straw for her was when a mutual friend told her of seeing her husband in the bar of a hotel being very "intimate" with the woman he was cheating with.

It was incredibly painful for my friend but she ended the marriage, fortunately no children yet in the equation. Within 2 years she met a new guy and they are now happily married with two children. Life works in mysterious ways. For the record the ex-husband's affair didn't last very long and a lot of people who had been mutual friends of them both cut him out.

I've heard about studies in the USA and UK carried out in the 1990s that people who first meet very young and cohabit for a long period before marriage are more likely to experience relationship break up early into the marriage. I don't have a link to hand but my friend who was cheated on would agree with that - she feels she missed experiencing the "dating game" in her 20s and was too dependent and focused on just one person.

You sound like you are dealing with this break up remarkably well. It would drive many down a road of self-destruction. You are still very young and I would not be at all surprised if within a few short years you are in a loving, secure relationship. But it is always better to be happy on your own and in your own skin than be in an unhappy relationship just for the sake of it.

For the record I was in a same-sex relationship with my ex for just under a decade. For the last 2 years of the relationship the "spark" went out of it and we mutually agreed to separate. It was still very painful and sad at times although we are now very close friends.

Take care!

joeduffy382

nev85 wrote: »

I'm going through something very similar.

He has treated me appallingly.

I've taken up some new hobbies, very slowly trying to piece a new life together. The loneliness can be unbearable. I'm in our new home with all the things we picked together and we're so excited about and he is living with her and her children, it is unbelievable.

I read your story and see the progress you have made and the support from people on this thread and it has made me feel a small bit more hopeful. This is a tough time of year though...

Hi Nev,

Apologies for the delay in responding, I only log in intermittently and don't have notifications turned on.

I'm very sorry to hear that you are also experiencing what I went through, it's a tremendously tough experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I hope you got through Christmas and New Year okay, I know it isn't easy.

That said, I have bolded some of your words that are very important. Coming to the realisation that you have been badly treated was a huge step for me on this journey. It really helps to flip the "guilt switch" from you to him and see things more clearly. It also helped me to realise that I'm better off without that kind of toxic betrayal in my life, no matter what the perceived benefits of staying together were.

Secondly, you can't imagine how happy I am to read that you got a little hope from this thread. I started it in the absolute depths of despair last year and have revisited from time to time, both to contribute and contemplate. As I'm sure you can tell, there have been highs and lows but I'm beginning to get back to an even keel and you will too.

Channeling your energies into new hobbies is a great move. At first it will feel like you are filling time, because you are. Gradually it will become part of your routine.

Lean on friends and family, I can't stress this enough. It will help them as much as it helps you because they'll feel like they are doing something rather than standing around wringing their hands.

If you aren't already, get some professional counselling. Now. This is non-negotiable!

I completely hear you about the loneliness. I'm in a similiar situation re: house. One thing that helped me was to take down pictures, art etc. that we had bought. I then went through my photos and printed lots of them that reminded me of great days with friends and on my own (skiing, helicopter over the Grand Canyon, my family, college nights out etc.). Then I framed them and put them around the house, I'm looking at some right now as I type this! It helps to be a constant reminder of the good things in your life.

You are single. Right now it feels like a failure and very negative. But there's another side to that coin. Let yourself have fun. This is tougher than it sounds. When you've been in a relationship as long as we were, it's very difficult to flirt / kiss with someone else without pangs of phantom-guilt. I've had a few encounters and the first one or two left me feeling absolutely guilt ridden, for no reason. It will pass. What I'm saying here is not to go and shag your sorrows away but allow yourself to meet people, go on dates etc.

Finally, and this is difficult, ignore the cheater. He's quite simply not worth your time or energy and doesn't deserve to occupy space in your mind.

I hope 2019 is a brighter year for you and everyone on this thread. Thank you all for your support so far, it has been absolutely incredible.