12 year relationship - 8 month marriage ending - devastated

Porklife

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Hi Nev,

Apologies for the delay in responding, I only log in intermittently and don't have notifications turned on...
<SNIP>

I've followed this thread from the start as alot of boardsies have and I think one of the reasons is how inspirational you are OP. You have a lovely way with words and even in your darker moments I really like how you expressed yourself. You come across as such a lovely guy and I'm delighted to see that you've come on leaps and bounds.
I've been there too. My eight year relationship ended when my ex cheated with a work colleague, such a cliché. I was absolutely devastated and thought I'd never get over it. I couldn't listen to music cos I'd fall apart. I remember being in a bar and Last Goodbye by Jeff Buckley came on and I completely lost it. I didn't even care who was looking at me. I stood there wailing like a maniac. I felt physically heartbroken. I even quit my job. I literally couldn't cope with the pain of the loss.
Fast forward to now and I'm happier then I've ever been. I've met an incredible man who I absolutely adore and my ex couldnt be further from my mind. He actually ended up getting with a 'friend' of mine. Unbelievable but I no longer care. That just shows the type of character he is.
I hope you have an amazing year OP.

chic chick

I have also followed this tread op. I rarely post however on this occasion I had to let you know I’m absolutely rooting for you as I’m sure many others are too. You come across as kind and considerate even in the face of all the turmoil you experienced.

Hope 2019 is your best yet and in time I very much hope you get your happy ever after.

LegacyUser

OP

I too have followed your thread from the start, mainly because i feel like you’ve been telling my story, save the marriage part I am your female replica...12/13 year relationship since college, house together, he cheated and went off with a work colleague. Basically i just wanted to say thank you, reading this thread, the feedback and your updates has been so uplifting and positive mainly to know there is someone out there that is going through something similar, but also seeing and hearing that they are coming out the right side of it..and its great reading the little tips and tricks which you are doing along the way to help yourself..going steal a few! You have come across so dignifed and respectful in it all and I hope you see that you were and are far too good for your ex! As the saying goes...there are far better things ahead than any which we leave behind! I hope 2019 brings you loads of joy and happiness!

joeduffy382

Hi all,

Hope everyone is doing well and you are enjoying the good weather.

Things have been reasonably good for me of late. I'm continuing to ramp up in a new and very demanding job, traveling quite a bit so getting to see and stay in nice places on the company dime is always nice. I'm exercising regularly and back playing some sports that I dropped over the years and reading quite a lot. I've remained very connected with my friends and family but starting to put up a few walls again to regain some semblance of privacy in my life! On that, I've been seeing someone really great now for a few months who, without going into much detail, found herself in pretty much the same situation as me in her last relationship. It's been a really positive development and I'm enjoying everything that comes with a new relationship.

In spite of myself, I still think about my previous life pretty much daily and there are times when it all washes over me like a a flood but thankfully those occasions are becoming rarer and far less intense. However, something has happened recently that really rattled me to the core and took me right back to ground zero for a few days. My ex and I obviously have a lot of mutual friends after spending 10+ years together. Over time, some of these have melted into "one camp" or the other along predictable lines. I've made an effort to keep in touch with a few people on "her side" and that has really been great as we are now friends in our own right and don't really discuss what happened in any great detail, I don't want to put them in an awkward position, I just want to maintain the friendship. One of the people that I trust most was one of those mutual friends that I shared details with early on in this whole situation as I needed to get it all out of my head. He has been supportive and our friendship continued as it was previously.

Recently, he introduced me to his new gf, we had a few drinks, I followed her on a social channel, all was well. A few weeks back, I saw a post showing my mates new gf and my ex out socialising. They would have had zero previous relationship so the connection was my mate. It actually sent me into a complete tailspin t be honest. I texted my mate to ask if I was missing something or was the situation as it appeared and he confirmed they met up. To me, it seemed to be condoning her actions and I'm really struggling to move past it. It may sound dramatic but it seems a betrayal of my trust in him and things have definitely cooled in our friendship. I've explained to him why it rattled me so much but he doesn't seem to comprehend it to be honest.

Am I being over sensitive here or is this just one of the realities of the situation?

I still have a very strong sense of injustice about this whole situation. I'm happy that I have kept my cool throughout and haven't lashed out or demeaned myself but there's a nagging sense that she had gotten away scott free that I simply cannot shake. I think this recent incident has compounded this feeling of wanting to balance the books somehow. I know deep down that anyone who works with her, knows her etc. can see through any lie she spins but I can't shake it. Other than that, things are generally pretty good!

As ever, I hope that everyone reading and posting is doing great and thank you all again for the incredible support over the last while, it really is so welcome and helpful.

punisher5112

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Hi all,

Hope everyone is doing well and you are enjoying the good weather.

Things have been reasonably good for me of late. I'm continuing to ramp up in a new and very demanding job, traveling quite a bit so getting to see and stay in nice places on the company dime is always nice. I'm exercising regularly and back playing some sports that I dropped over the years and reading quite a lot. I've remained very connected with my friends and family but starting to put up a few walls again to regain some semblance of privacy in my life! On that, I've been seeing someone really great now for a few months who, without going into much detail, found herself in pretty much the same situation as me in her last relationship. It's been a really positive development and I'm enjoying everything that comes with a new relationship.

In spite of myself, I still think about my previous life pretty much daily and there are times when it all washes over me like a a flood but thankfully those occasions are becoming rarer and far less intense. However, something has happened recently that really rattled me to the core and took me right back to ground zero for a few days. My ex and I obviously have a lot of mutual friends after spending 10+ years together. Over time, some of these have melted into "one camp" or the other along predictable lines. I've made an effort to keep in touch with a few people on "her side" and that has really been great as we are now friends in our own right and don't really discuss what happened in any great detail, I don't want to put them in an awkward position, I just want to maintain the friendship. One of the people that I trust most was one of those mutual friends that I shared details with early on in this whole situation as I needed to get it all out of my head. He has been supportive and our friendship continued as it was previously.

Recently, he introduced me to his new gf, we had a few drinks, I followed her on a social channel, all was well. A few weeks back, I saw a post showing my mates new gf and my ex out socialising. They would have had zero previous relationship so the connection was my mate. It actually sent me into a complete tailspin t be honest. I texted my mate to ask if I was missing something or was the situation as it appeared and he confirmed they met up. To me, it seemed to be condoning her actions and I'm really struggling to move past it. It may sound dramatic but it seems a betrayal of my trust in him and things have definitely cooled in our friendship. I've explained to him why it rattled me so much but he doesn't seem to comprehend it to be honest.

Am I being over sensitive here or is this just one of the realities of the situation?

I still have a very strong sense of injustice about this whole situation. I'm happy that I have kept my cool throughout and haven't lashed out or demeaned myself but there's a nagging sense that she had gotten away scott free that I simply cannot shake. I think this recent incident has compounded this feeling of wanting to balance the books somehow. I know deep down that anyone who works with her, knows her etc. can see through any lie she spins but I can't shake it. Other than that, things are generally pretty good!

As ever, I hope that everyone reading and posting is doing great and thank you all again for the incredible support over the last while, it really is so welcome and helpful.

Great to hear on most.

To be honest move on you have a new interested party and don't be worrying or looking into these things too much as you say yourself they're friends from a long way back.

I wouldn't be spilling the beans or discussing as much with the mutual friends either to be honest as you know for sure some if not all will end up back with the ex.

Leave her off and live your new happier life without her.

Mousewar

joeduffy382 wrote: »

there's a nagging sense that she had gotten away scott free that I simply cannot shake.

She didn't get away with anything. She lost a great partner in you and that'll hit her like a tonne of bricks eventually. Great that you're doing so well. Keep it going and eventually you'll look back on the breakup as the best thing that ever happened to you.

santana75

joeduffy382 wrote: »

but there's a nagging sense that she had gotten away scott free that I simply cannot shake.

Mate trust me she has gotten away with nothing. People who are that devious and deceptive suffer greatly and believe me when I tell you she will not come to a good end. Leave her to it, try and let go completely and dont allow bitterness to take up a residence in your heart. Thats the worst thing that could happen. You didnt put a foot wrong, all you can do is learn from what happened and become even better for it. Theres a verse in the Gospel that comes to mind when Jesus was sending out his apostles, he told them to "Be as wise as serpents but yet be gentle as doves".

idnkph

joeduffy382 wrote:

Am I being over sensitive here or is this just one of the realities of the situation?

It's a pretty common response I suppose. You are angry towards her (rightly so) but make sure you let go of that anger.
It's like you are drinking the poison and expecting her to get sick. Doesn't work like that.
Let the negative feelings towards her go. She doesn't deserve to still control your feelings.
Your friend has a right to be friends with who ever he wants. Meeting up with your ex is none of your business and you can't tell anyone who they can be friends with.
Best of luck with the new GF.

nikkibikki

You're entitled to feel however you feel Joe. If someone tells you that you're being over sensitive, that's just one person's opinion and it doesn't invalidate your feelings.

At least you know where you stand with this friend now.

Arrival

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Hi all,

Hope everyone is doing well and you are enjoying the good weather.

Things have been reasonably good for me of late. I'm continuing to ramp up in a new and very demanding job, traveling quite a bit so getting to see and stay in nice places on the company dime is always nice. I'm exercising regularly and back playing some sports that I dropped over the years and reading quite a lot. I've remained very connected with my friends and family but starting to put up a few walls again to regain some semblance of privacy in my life! On that, I've been seeing someone really great now for a few months who, without going into much detail, found herself in pretty much the same situation as me in her last relationship. It's been a really positive development and I'm enjoying everything that comes with a new relationship.

In spite of myself, I still think about my previous life pretty much daily and there are times when it all washes over me like a a flood but thankfully those occasions are becoming rarer and far less intense. However, something has happened recently that really rattled me to the core and took me right back to ground zero for a few days. My ex and I obviously have a lot of mutual friends after spending 10+ years together. Over time, some of these have melted into "one camp" or the other along predictable lines. I've made an effort to keep in touch with a few people on "her side" and that has really been great as we are now friends in our own right and don't really discuss what happened in any great detail, I don't want to put them in an awkward position, I just want to maintain the friendship. One of the people that I trust most was one of those mutual friends that I shared details with early on in this whole situation as I needed to get it all out of my head. He has been supportive and our friendship continued as it was previously.

Recently, he introduced me to his new gf, we had a few drinks, I followed her on a social channel, all was well. A few weeks back, I saw a post showing my mates new gf and my ex out socialising. They would have had zero previous relationship so the connection was my mate. It actually sent me into a complete tailspin t be honest. I texted my mate to ask if I was missing something or was the situation as it appeared and he confirmed they met up. To me, it seemed to be condoning her actions and I'm really struggling to move past it. It may sound dramatic but it seems a betrayal of my trust in him and things have definitely cooled in our friendship. I've explained to him why it rattled me so much but he doesn't seem to comprehend it to be honest.

Am I being over sensitive here or is this just one of the realities of the situation?

I still have a very strong sense of injustice about this whole situation. I'm happy that I have kept my cool throughout and haven't lashed out or demeaned myself but there's a nagging sense that she had gotten away scott free that I simply cannot shake. I think this recent incident has compounded this feeling of wanting to balance the books somehow. I know deep down that anyone who works with her, knows her etc. can see through any lie she spins but I can't shake it. Other than that, things are generally pretty good!

As ever, I hope that everyone reading and posting is doing great and thank you all again for the incredible support over the last while, it really is so welcome and helpful.

I don't think you're being too sensitive at all, cheaters are scum and should be entirely cut out and anyone who'd be 'on their side's by continuing to be pally with them with knowledge of their actions are condoning their scummy behaviour.

Even if it was a sibling who did what this woman did to you I'd really keep them at a distance going forward after letting them know what they now are in my mind, in your case if I knew she was so brazen and disrespectful I'd actually completely cut her out of my life. No time to be associating with people with the mental capacity to consider this acceptable behaviour, life is too short and we should surround ourselves only with good people with strong morals for our own sake

PARlance

OP, you've cut ties with her, I would suggest cutting ties with any mutual friends who are still involved with her. It'll save you stress in the long term.

This guy knows she cheated on you right? And still is hanging around with her?
He's an acquaintance, definitely not a friend. Move on.

Great to hear you've met someone else.

joeduffy382

Hello all, I hope everyone had a happy and healthy Christmas. I haven't been as active on this thread this year as, quite frankly, I haven't felt the need to dump what's been going on in my brain onto "paper" for a while now. Which is, in the context of everything that has gone before, is a good thing.

However, Christmas is a funny time. I've struggled a bit over the last few weeks and days in the run up. I think that whereas last year was all about surviving, I had expectations in the back of my head that this year would be more enjoyable. Unfortunately, it was a bit of a grind. I loved catching up with friends and family but everything got on top of me a little when I would think about how I used to be planning the meet up with my SO in between rounds of family board games. I did catch on to this line of thinking a few times and snap out of it, which was great. One thing I've learned this year is the value of living in the moment and either enjoying what's happening or accepting that things are a little ****ty but it will pass again. I know it's trite but I find getting out for a walk with the dogs or for a run really helps to move the ****ty moments on a little faster.

I know via PM's, other people posting on here and, presumably, people lurking that I'm not the only person going through this process at the moment. I hope you are all doing well and that you found some enjoyable moments with friends and family over the Christmas break. I guess, reflecting on the last 12 months, I'm in a good place but I do have impatience to "figure it all out" again, almost in spite of myself. The happiest I've been this year has been when I've been pushing myself, either professionally or by doing something brand new for fun, going on dates etc., where things haven't been comfortable and certain but still I find myself longing for the companionship of a long term partner. I've been putting myself out there and was seeing someone for 6 months, which was great but not a fit for the long term so we called it. This was disappointing but I'm happy that I was okay to let someone get close again. I have no idea if I'll ever find the one mk2 but I'm not actively looking for her, which I think is the only way to do it anyway.

Not sure why I felt compelled to post here again but if you are finding yourself where I was 6 / 12 / 18 months ago, you have my sympathy and my support.

Millionaire only not

Just followed ur story tonight, u have been on some road I’d imagine can only get better! And I hope it does for u

My own is messy and some I’m not proud of the way I handled it !
Found she had cheated ,I stayed and then cheated myself wrecking other houses in the process !

I won’t say she turned me into a prick , but she did and i am one now !

At least u had the balls to go , now after 4 years of me acting the maget and 4 years since I found out about her , I’ve 8 years wasted bar rearing the kids together !

I still have To go after it all , never slept or shared a kiss or hug since only bad blood between us !

So give urself a pat on the back for moving on , not like a waster like me !

akelly02

Millionaire only not wrote: »

Just followed ur story tonight, u have been on some road I’d imagine can only get better! And I hope it does for u

My own is messy and some I’m not proud of the way I handled it !
Found she had cheated ,I stayed and then cheated myself wrecking other houses in the process !

I won’t say she turned me into a prick , but she did and i am one now !

At least u had the balls to go , now after 4 years of me acting the maget and 4 years since I found out about her , I’ve 8 years wasted bar rearing the kids together !

I still have To go after it all , never slept or shared a kiss or hug since only bad blood between us !

So give urself a pat on the back for moving on , not like a waster like me !

You are not a waster, cop onto yourself man ! You both clearly need to get away from each other though. ASAP . Get the wheels in motion by taking the first step , and things will get easier .

qwerty13

< quoting deleted post snipped>

It is easy to be as bitter and angry as this post, but I think you’ve dealt with things a million times better than that. And that’s hard to do.

I guess my advice would be that if you find yourself regressing and thinking that she’s a slut you want to spit on, or punch her boyfriend, then take time out to reflect. It’s hard, but I remember reading your thread, and you came across as a genuine and decent person who would not resort to violence or misogyny.

I hope 2020 brings you much happiness.

Thespoofer

Leave. Time. WILL. Heal. Everything.

qwerty13

Nintendo Lite wrote: »

Nobody has recommended misogyny.

I recommend re-reading the post from Goose if you’re confused.

qwerty13

Nintendo Lite wrote: »

No where does he recommend hating all women.

True. Only the ‘sluts’ who should be ‘spat on’. Apart from that, all good!

Honeydew3456

Millionaire only not wrote: »

I won’t say she turned me into a prick , but she did and i am one now !


I still have To go after it all , never slept or shared a kiss or hug since only bad blood between us !

So give urself a pat on the back for moving on , not like a waster like me !

This is sad to read, to end up feeling like she brought out the worst in you, to end up in that place with someone that once loved you and vice versa.

You have control over whether you want to be that prick or not.

I am seperated and left him on the cusp of it turning into bitterness. Life is way too short.

Do you think the children have picked up on the bad blood between you both? Sometimes it's more harmful to stay together than parent apart. Once I realised this it was much easier for me to end it all.

Honestly I promise, splitting up when the emptional connection is gone, is like regaining freedom, a whole new journey of self discovery and tons of fun adventure along the way, there is nothing to be afraid of. The logistics are a pain but everything falls into place with time.

I wish you well

Honeydew3456

joeduffy382 wrote: »

However, Christmas is a funny time. I've struggled a bit over the last few weeks and days in the run up. I think that whereas last year was all about surviving, I had expectations in the back of my head that this year would be more enjoyable.

Happy Christmas OP and congrats on the classy manner in which you have handled yourself throughout the hurt you have gone through. You should know that it is very admirable and a testament to your strenght.

Yes I agree, Chrisymas is a funny ole time of year but there are only a few more days left and then onwards with 2020. Who knows what awaits us all :-)

Dakota Dan

How sure is she that the buck from work will take her in?

Stateofyou

I came across this thread this morning and I was compelled to read all through; I wanted to find that you turned out right in the end. And right you did. I admire you for handling things as well as you have, for keeping your side of the street clean. And while at times it has been difficult for you to sleep at night with the stress, I can't imagine your ex will ever find true peace of mind again, or look at herself in the mirror in quite the same way. Her actions will haunt her and her peace of mind probably for the rest of her life.
I have faced a huge and shocking situation in my own (extended) family, not anything related to your experience or in my marriage, but it has some of the same parallels and fallout. I completely get the outrage at the sense of a lack of justice. You do find out who your real friends are, but I've also learned that though this experience has been at your core for some time now, others just don't have that same view. They weren't betrayed, and perhaps lack some empathy too and so people will never react or respond how you hope they would. And rest assured they know the real truth but because it didn't happen to them, it just doesn't carry the same weight. And I've learned that not everyone has the same sense of morality about things as you do. So be careful that the anger of the injustice doesn't consume you. Anger and resentment and feelings of revenge will only make things worse. You have been pushed to the edge beyond what any person can cope with. An outburst here and there would have been understandable, you are only human. But I've learned that strong reactions while understandable, lead to regrets and only add to the pile of things to heal from. Which is the very last thing you need. Anger and injustice over it will only eat you up and destroy you, not your ex or anyone associated with her. Working on forgiveness is the key here. It doesn't mean that what she did was right because it wasn't and it never will be. It doesn't mean patching anything up with her or those who picked another side. Forgiveness is for YOU, your health, and your peace of mind. Acknowledging that life is full of ****ty situations but taking the view that everything happens for a reason and will be a valuable lesson to you will serve you best. It is something I am still working on too. It's clear from your posts that you'll come out on top. You already have.

joeduffy382

Hi all. I hope everyone is keeping well, not only with the current COVID situation but also those that have shared this experience with me.

I'm in one of those low phases where I feel the need to come and post here not only to document the experience to help me figure it out but also to hear the advice from those that so kindly offer it.

I mentioned previously that I had been in a 6 month relationship with someone last year. That ended but it was rekindled in January with the best of intentions. We're a great match on paper, common interests, she's kind, caring, funny and with a great sense of fun and adventure. I missed her and her company so got in touch and we decided to give it another go after talking through some of the reasons that it ended. I then travelled a lot at the start of this year with work and personally (seems like a lifetime ago now ) and we didn't get to see much of each other.

I spent two weeks in isolation due to a COVID scare (all clear) and during that time, all of this last two year's experience started to come back at me. I found myself waking up during the night for the first time in a long time, being upset about how everything turned out and for the first time in a very long time, being afraid that time was running out for me to have a family and be truly happy again. I also used the time alone to clear out a lot of clothes and stuff from my house and found my wedding ring and various other bits and pieces that I didn't realise were still in the house. I also got pop-ups from photo apps showing the dog we had adopted around the house and I was left feeling very low to be honest.

This knocked on into the relationship I mention above and it finished up. I really like this girl, a lot, but it never developed into deeper feelings of "I can't live without her" and this realisation crystallised during the two weeks of being on my own.

Not really sure what happens next but I'm feeling pretty alone at the moment as everything is unfolding around the world. I'm hugely grateful for my health and I know I've come through worse before, just can't help wondering when things are going to work out.

I hope you are all healthy and happy and ,as ever, thanks for reading.

Finchie1276

QUOTE' Not really sure what happens next but I'm hugely grateful for my health and I know I've come through worse before ' ENDS QUOTE

How does that read with a bit of an edit?!! It will be fine, really, you are brilliant. Its OK to be at a loose end or feeling emotional. Hang in there and progress will follow.

august12

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Hi all. I hope everyone is keeping well, not only with the current COVID situation but also those that have shared this experience with me.

I'm in one of those low phases where I feel the need to come and post here not only to document the experience to help me figure it out but also to hear the advice from those that so kindly offer it.

I mentioned previously that I had been in a 6 month relationship with someone last year. That ended but it was rekindled in January with the best of intentions. We're a great match on paper, common interests, she's kind, caring, funny and with a great sense of fun and adventure. I missed her and her company so got in touch and we decided to give it another go after talking through some of the reasons that it ended. I then travelled a lot at the start of this year with work and personally (seems like a lifetime ago now ) and we didn't get to see much of each other.

I spent two weeks in isolation due to a COVID scare (all clear) and during that time, all of this last two year's experience started to come back at me. I found myself waking up during the night for the first time in a long time, being upset about how everything turned out and for the first time in a very long time, being afraid that time was running out for me to have a family and be truly happy again. I also used the time alone to clear out a lot of clothes and stuff from my house and found my wedding ring and various other bits and pieces that I didn't realise were still in the house. I also got pop-ups from photo apps showing the dog we had adopted around the house and I was left feeling very low to be honest.

This knocked on into the relationship I mention above and it finished up. I really like this girl, a lot, but it never developed into deeper feelings of "I can't live without her" and this realisation crystallised during the two weeks of being on my own.

Not really sure what happens next but I'm feeling pretty alone at the moment as everything is unfolding around the world. I'm hugely grateful for my health and I know I've come through worse before, just can't help wondering when things are going to work out.

I hope you are all healthy and happy and ,as ever, thanks for reading.

I think a lot of people can relate in some way to aspects of your story, life is not a bed of roses and most if not all experience loneliness in some shape or form and at different stages in their life. We just soldier on and try to make the most of it and grab happiness wherever possible. The most important bit of advice I can give 'be kind to yourself'.

Goodigal

As someone who recovered from a marriage ending as a result of an affair and the production of a child, there are definitely phases when I look back and think, did that actually really happen to me. But time passes and you start to sleep again, eat again, breathe again. Its a difficult period of our lives, and having 2 weeks to think too much almost, has affected your settled life. I hope you find someone to make you happy. I've still not, but I'm happy with myself, my strength and my health. As someone else said, be kind to yourself.

banoffe2

Hi joeduffy382

Good to hear that you are on the mend, really admire your honesty

The time out gives us time to reflect and have a deep reality check and of course going through the memories of the wedding ring and the dog ye adopted was like piercing the wound of loss, betrayal and heartbreak.

It may seem like a long time ago but you are possibly still grieving, we go through a stage from existing to survival mode, I have had the experience of betrayal and I know how bad it hurts and there is no simple pain relief for it.

I found the sense of powerlessness very frustrating and so final, no words would describe the pain and walking up during the night thinking you had a nightmare but knowing this is reality, its head-wrecking and emotionally draining and I also felt resentment for the fact that I was betrayed and the other person looked like they were having a ball and flaunting it in my face at every available opportunity.

There were times I found it all consuming, I had the anger, resentment the lot, that is the nature of being human. There are no answers or formulas, or magic cure, time helps us to cope better with the pain and loss. 12 years was a big chunk of your life and memories everywhere, its only natural that you are gutted.

I passed my ex on the street around Christmas, our paths would seldom cross, I was glad that I could acknowledge them and felt very grateful, that I had worked through all the hurt and anger and to be in a good place myself.


I wish you healing, health and peace of mind.

Toby22

Hi, life can be good again, I was widowed after 17 years of marriage but have met the most wonderful person since. I am am a positive person and took the view that my life was not over because my partner died. It was not easy but here I am, in love again, middled aged and happy

FFVII

Stop calling them wonderful.

OPs ex was wonderful.

Anyone would betray you in a heartbeat.

Thelonious Monk

joeduffy382 wrote: »

This knocked on into the relationship I mention above and it finished up. I really like this girl, a lot, but it never developed into deeper feelings of "I can't live without her" and this realisation crystallised during the two weeks of being on my own.

You're old enough now to know this "I can't live without her" stuff is mostly just for kids. Why would you want to be in a situation where your world falls apart if you break up again? It sounds like you weren't head over heels with the last girl but as you get older you're probably less likely to get into that kind of young love obsession mullarkey, there's way more to it than that, boring practical things etc.
Anyway glad to hear you're doing well, one of the more epic threads in RI this.

up for anything

FFVII wrote: »

Stop calling them wonderful.

OPs ex was wonderful.

Anyone would betray you in a heartbeat.

Get yourself some help with that bitterness and anger before it consumes you. There are some brilliant online counsellors. Here's one link. I am sure there are others.

https://www.counsellingonline.ie/

joeduffy382

Hi everyone, hope you and your loved ones are all doing well.

I'm still kicking and, as has happened a few times over the last 3 years (:eek:), I felt the need to log in here and get some of what is rattling around in my head out. I've kept up counselling and have made huge progress but for whatever reason this also seems to help a lot when it comes to getting my thoughts in some semblance of order.

I've gotten through Covid relatively unscathed but not without a lot of additional unstructured time that, somewhat inevitably, has lead to raking over my marriage, examining the relationship prior to the marriage and the decisions I've made since. I imagine most of the people on the planet have found themselves in this situation over the last year, albeit with different subject matter to ponder.

I'm currently involved in a relationship with someone I met during lockdown via video dates etc. and to be absolutely blunt, on paper she's exactly what I think I would like in a partner but I don't "feel it" and I can't escape that fact no matter how much I try. I'm also racked with regret for how the relationship prior to this one ended, the girl I was seeing was looking for affection and love to go along with all of the other positives we saw in each other and, having examined it over the last few months, I couldn't / wouldn't allow myself to reciprocate and jump in. I think about her a lot and have found myself daydreaming about what a potential life together would look like, have typed out various messages to her and deleted and then felt guilty as I'm still involved with someone else and don't want to potentially hurt her again despite thinking I'm 100% sure of my feelings about her. It's causing me to lose some sleep and I feel myself being stressed and distracted when not actively engaged with work or exercise.

In short, having been in one serious relationship through my 20's I think I'm still trying to learn how to deal with relationships in my 30's and it's a little scary to admit that to myself. I'm not good at prioritising my own happiness if I think it'll be at the expense of someone else's which leads to me going with the flow in relationships I don't see a long-term future in even though I know it's storing up hurt. Despite having no issues with confrontation or direct speaking I'm also cautious about instigating these discussions. This relates to bringing up concerns or questions about behavior or priorities. I tend to take time to weigh things up, ponder and then make decisions and I think that's sometimes to my detriment. I sometimes wonder why the hell I can't accept the happiness that I could settle into by not looking for the same depth of love and connection I believe I had previously. I worked in pubs at various times and always saw people that just seem "content" with each other and the rare couple that were always engaged in some kind of animated discussion or fun. I'm aware that it's not always fireworkds but I'd want the latter to be more "normal" than the former.

On the plus side, I have my health, my home and my career. I have an excellent group of friends and colleagues and a healthy relationship with my own mental health, if that makes sense.

I guess I'm just still trying to figure out my life after being turfed off the train tracks I was on a few years ago. I know I'm still broadly moving in the right direction but it's not always clear what the next step is.

Anyway, this has helped and I hope the various people that have found themselves in the same position as I was a few years ago are doing well.

YellowLead

Hi OP,

You admit you are not feeling it with this new girl and you are also thinking about another woman big time. It couldn’t be more obvious that this relationship is not for you - don’t be so in need of a relationship that you muddle along with something meh - it’s very unfair on the woman concerned.

I am in a reasonably similar position- was with somebody from age 17 to 35 and since Jan 2020 when we split have been through a crash course in reading men and dating. I am only learning now a lot of things smart people my age learned years ago via trial and error. But one thing I will say is if you are not feeling it you won’t start to feel it all of a sudden and you owe it to this girl, and yourself, to break it off. Then you are giving yourself a chance to meet somebody you DO want, and who will take your mind off that other lady you are pining for!

Best of luck and fair play to you for getting out there

bitofabind

Hey OP. I've just read this thread from start to finish and what's glaringly obvious to me is that you are a really nice guy and a really good person. You dealt with the breakup and trauma of all of that in such a dignified way, through all your hurt and your anger you never resorted to blaming or shaming your ex and it's good to see you've come out the other side of it.

It strikes me though as if you may perhaps be too nice - and forgetting about yourself in the process. People pleasing mode like this where you ignore your own instincts and prioritise others' needs above your own usually stems from low self esteem and poor self trust. Like "if I just go with the flow here I'll be safe, because I won't be alone and I'll have a lovely girlfriend and I won't have to take the gamble of going after what I actually want here - because look at where that landed me last time." You married someone that betrayed you in one of the worst ways possible, there's probably still unresolved trauma around that.

The process of trusting yourself again does require setting boundaries. For you, that probably means not settling into a new relationship where someone is good "on paper" but your heart just isn't in it. It may mean more therapy and more time single to get more clear on what it is you're looking for. The need for companionship cannot and should not outweigh the need for connection; you deserve someone great that fits you perfectly. Not the "on paper" stuff, that's how people get hurt.

And one final thing I'd say is be careful of rose-tinting your ex and comparing and contrasting against her. She was the love of your life and she devastated you, but she was just the love of your life....so far. Most of us get a few shots at this. I'm personally on my third round, it took me a while but I'm glad of the journey that opened my eyes to what a good relationship really is. And also, "content" is a pretty good goal for a sustainable relationship, don't mistake drama and passion and animated conversations for the purest version of "true love". The person you're looking for will probably look and feel very different from your ex, and you'll probably find yourself settling into a feeling of peace and ease with it because that's what long-lasting love tends to be. No dramatics. Just easy.

Yurt2

bitofabind wrote: »

Hey OP. I've just read this thread from start to finish and what's glaringly obvious to me is that you are a really nice guy and a really good person. You dealt with the breakup and trauma of all of that in such a dignified way, through all your hurt and your anger you never resorted to blaming or shaming your ex and it's good to see you've come out the other side of it.

I'm not sure how I would have handled the aspect of the ex painting a benign "it just didn't work out" picture to all and sundry to protect her reputation as opposed to owning up to an affair as the reason for the marriage collapsing - honestly it would have driven me demented and made me very p*ssed off. I think she made the betrayal a lot harder for the OP to deal with, and kudos to him for getting his life back on track.

bitofabind

Yurt! wrote: »

I'm not sure how I would have handled the aspect of the ex painting a benign "it just didn't work out" picture to all and sundry to protect her reputation as opposed to owning up to an affair as the reason for the marriage collapsing - honestly it would have driven me demented and made me very p*ssed off. I think she made the betrayal a lot harder for the OP to deal with, and kudos to him for getting his life back on track.

Agreed. It shows a lot of maturity and integrity on his part, and absolutely none on hers. Another reason why he's lost the battle but won the war in the long run when it comes to his previous marriage.

LegacyUser

Hi OP.
It's great to hear about all of your progress and the great things you have in your life.

One thing I would like to say is that "hurt people hurt people" and if you are still thinking about another woman all the time then it's unfair to the woman you are with to keep the relationship going.

I wonder is there an element of you romanticising the ex now even though you didn't show her affection and love at the time, you might find it easy to think you could show her love when you're not with her but if you gave it another chance with her then maybe it would be the same situation.
Maybe that's part of the reason that it's not working out with the new lady too, you can't let go fully while you're in a relationship out of fear of getting hurt again.

It can be easier to just pine over someone and think of things in a bittersweet way and then hold back in real relationships because although it may seem painful at times, it's less painful than the thought of giving your all to someone and then being hurt.

Just something to think about!

joeduffy382

Hi all, I hope everyone is doing well. I've wondered a few times if I'd ever find myself coming back to this post, hoping I wouldn't have to, as it usually comes to mind when things aren't going well and I feel the need to vent and clear out the cobwebs in my brain. I've come to the end of my time with a second counsellor as they were stepping back to look after a sick relative, another I was working with initially unfortunately passed away. So, I find myself in a position where the people that probably know most about how I *actually* feel about things are a bunch of internet strangers; Hi!

I'm feeling exceptionally stuck. Fed up. A little bit useless. A bit of a fraud. Ultimately, I'm really quite sad at how life is panning out at the moment. There is quite a lot of positives in my life at the moment; I'm financially stable, my health is pretty good albeit with some lingering aches and pains that are forcing me into confronting my age ever so slightly, I still have a good group of friends around me who i can rely on when I need them and I have a pretty good relationship with my family. However, I remain in a relationship that I don't feel is right for me and it's absolutely consuming me on a number of fronts. I'm with a girl who is absolutely lovely, kind, caring and enthusiastic about life. Without getting into detail, she came through something broadly similar to me with a cheating partner. This has left her with a lot of insecurities which I find myself tip toeing around a lot. I've tried to break up with her a few times and I can't keep my nerve when the flood gates open and she tells me how she feels. I'm aware that this is nobody's fault but mine but I find myself living a half-life where I can't confidently move forward in any direction due to the conflict I feel over the relationship.

It's now affecting family relationships where they are asking me what our plans are for the summer and life in general and I can't commit to anything concrete because half of me is contemplating how to break up with her and so I withdraw a little from engaging, leaving them worried about me in the end. It's leaving me feeling very smothered and not content with how I'm choosing to live my life. I don't blame her as I know this is my decision and she just wants a "normal" life but I find myself thinking that I can't give that to her and in trying to not upset her, I am ultimately going to bring more hurt to her doorstep, it's absolutely consuming me. I know that she would be better off with someone more aligned with how she wants to proceed in life and I genuinely want to see her happy.

I'm 4 years removed now from the beginning of this thread and some days it feels like only yesterday, other times like several lifetimes. I've learned a lot about myself in that time and while I'm happy with some of it, other aspects of my make-up really worry me. I have treaded water for quite a while and find it very difficult to make life-altering decisions that others can weigh up and commit to without looking backwards. It's almost like I recognised the second-chance I was given, had a real go at making the most of it and then have totally stalled out when I met a fork in the road, ultimately probably due to a lack of self-belief and purpose along with some element of fear at really putting myself at risk again. I have no issue trusting people but I think I do have an issue with allowing someone to have an influence on determining the path of my life. This has lead to me pausing on moving forward and a very real and vivid sense of life passing me by.

Case in point; I absolutely love dogs, grew up with dogs and would love to have one of my own. However, I keep making excuses for not getting one. Some out of very legitimate concern for a dog's welfare with my work travel schedule but ultimately I don't want to have to commit to staying in one place to look after it and i don't want it to become an issue if I get around to ending this relationship. The sad irony of this is that I'm denying myself something that I know would help me snap out of this, bring me joy and ultimately be a positive impact in my life.

I'm not sure what else I need to clear out of the ceann at the moment but writing this out has helped somewhat. Again, I hope everyone is well and thanks for your advice.

Xidu

If she is not the right person for you, then you should end it asap.

my best friend was married for 20 years and had 2 kids, her husband cheated on her for 6 month and even got the other woman pregnant.

she lived in hell for few years now found her love again in her 40s. The guy is even much better than her ex husband in most of ways.

you need to allow yourself to take it slow and find the right way.

Xidu

Also your ex is such a piece of sh*t, she slept w another guy who she later claimed no intention to end up with, but still went ahead married you.

Its good you found out in early marriage, it would be much harder when you have kids.

and who knows that guy might not be the first or only affair she had.

Goodigal

Hi OP. Good to hear some positives in your post, but ultimately if you're honest, the current relationship is causing a lot of pain to you. Do your best to end it with this lovely person if you truly know she's not for you. It sounds like you're afraid to hurt her (due to the hurt in her past mostly) but you're not cheating on her. It's just you don't love her as she loves you. And it's ok to admit that rather than live a half life as you put it. Put yourself first, as hard as it might be. But don't string her along if you know she's not for you. She deserves better. And you want her to be happy as you said.

I never think what the future looks like. I've been married, had kids, divorced and I'm still kinda wondering what next. But not to the point where it would stop me enjoying the here and now. Life's too short to half live it. This is our only go at it!! End things nicely with the partner. Get the dog you want. Find a new counsellor. But be the best and happiest version of you before another 4 years passes by.

Big Bag of Chips

OP @Goodigal makes a very valid point and it's probably one your counsellors might have touched on with you. You cannot live in the future. It doesn't exist yet. You cannot make decisions now for what might or might not happen in the future. You have to live today for today. You have to make decisions for what is happening in your life now. You are imagining a future that might never exist. You are imaging scenarios that might never happen. Your gf cannot possibly be as happy as you think if you have tried to break up with her a number of times. She must know the relationship is on thin ground.

Another point to consider is you don't have to be in a relationship. It's ok to be single. You need to end it with the current girl. You have been through quite a lot in a few years, and you're not done yet. But maybe being single, living the life you want, making the choices you want without considering a partner, or considering your family, or what your family want for you and your partner etc.. Your family want you to be happy. So once you're happy they'll be happy.

The one thing to remember though is very few people are breezing through life without a care in the world. Everyone is struggling on some level. Everyone feels stuck in some regard. So don't feel like you should somehow be better, or feel better, or doing more. Life is long - and for the most part mundane! It's ok to be selfish sometimes. We need to live our lives, for ourselves. Not for others. You've had a very tough time. But you're still standing.

Calvin001

Hi OP, regarding the dog, could you start by fostering from (or helping out at) the local ISPCA of dog rescue center, and see what happens. Might give you a bit more confidence in doing what you want to do, without the total responsibility straight away.

Regarding the relationship, is it possible she is in the very same place and cant bring herself to break it off either. Maybe the relationship gave you both something but ran its course. Having a normal relationship end (that many would have experienced in their early / mid twenties but ye missed out on), with a possibility of friendship only after it, will be so much better than the ending of previous relationship it sounds like you both had.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119135137#Comment_119135137

"The one thing to remember though is very few people are breezing through life without a care in the world. Everyone is struggling on some level. Everyone feels stuck in some regard."

This - the OP can't go around looking for some perfect relationship to mirror/ replace something in the past. Life moves on and more quickly as the years go by. Make the best of it, accept imperfection as long as there's no major trust flaw.

CrookedJack

OP I've read through the whole thread and think you should be proud of the progress you've made.

One thing I would like you to consider though is that, while you think staying with your current partner is sparing her, it really isn't. Imagine if your ex-wife had there wherewithal to end the relationship when she should have, rather than leave you thinking things were fine when they were not. If she had ended it before you built your hopes for the future upon your life together, and before she cheated. Knowing what you know now wouldn't you see that as having been a kinder thing to do?

I'm not in anyway saying what you're doing is equivalent, but just that what might seem like something harsh now will be better in the long run.

I also second the other posters who point out that it's fine to be single, preferable even, if relationships are such a source of worry. Yes there are times where it's a bit lonely in the dark hours of the night, but weigh that against being the captain of your own ship. Able to go where you want, when you want, never needing to negotiate another's journey. There is freedom in that, and space to figure out what you actually want and need in the future.

And it's hard to be lonely with a dog...

Wheety

OP, I really think you need to end your current relationship if you're not happy. You've been hurt in the past, don't drag this relationship on if you know it's not right.

RojaStar

I've just read through this whole thread and been completely gripped by your journey OP. So much great advice, just wanted to acknowledge how well you seemed to have handled the situation with your ex in terms of keeping a lid on your rage and not getting bitter and petty. Don't undo all that by staying in a relationship with someone because you don't want to disrupt the status quo.

I feel for you as it's never easy to face up to the fact that a relationship is going nowhere, and the thoughts of hurting someone is unbearable as well as the idea of going back to being single. In the long run though it's better to let someone go and give them the opportunity to find happiness with someone else (don't actually say that to her though as it would sound incredibly patronising!).

I think the past 2 years have really forced a lot of us to look at ourselves and our relationships. I had way too much time on my hands for introspection and it's been hard to snap out of it. I personally feel quite hard done by that I lost 2 whole years of properly being able to date and meet someone and now feel kind of like the opportunity to have a "normal" life has passed me by. Rationally I know that I have a good life and anything's possible blah blah but it's hard to not feel a bit defeated at times. Anyway!

Foster a dog.

SunnySundays

Just read the whole thread. Fair play on how you deal with things.

Just one observation if you don't mind. You seem to be getting back into relationships where you don't really want to be in them. If I have it correct, the girl in your most recent most is the 3rd one. You don't see a further with her, so break up, especially if she's in her 30s, wants kids etc.

Maybe drip the relationships for a bit and just have some flings. Nothing wrong with it once you tell people where you stand at the outset. You'll eventually get bored of it when the time is right and then you'll know what you want & who you want. It seems like you've never been single for long. Maybe it's exactly what you need for a while. Being with the wrong person just to substitute loneliness is not the answer.

Hi OP,

I feel so sorry for you. Cheating is (imo) one of the lowest things someone can do to another person.

A drunken one night stand, I could understand (but would never condone) and maybe try to move on from but that isn't what happened here. I think the fact that your wife spent a whole weekend with this man while you were away, and now refuses to leave her job where they both work, says all you need to know. She is not prepared to cut ties with him, for you.

If she was genuinely invested in saving her relationship with you, she would be prepared to do whatever you asked to reassure you that she was committed to trying to repair your marriage. Her actions inredicate she is not. Don't even get me started on her meeting up with the other man when she said she "needed space". She didn't. o She is a liar, and she will continue to lie and use you allow. I'm sorry, but I think you're own instincts are right, and there is no rescuing this.

How to move on? I have no clue how you will, but you will, in time. My only advice would be to make it as swift and clean a break as possible.

And one last piece of advice - don't try to be the noble good guy, with friends (and family) by trying to play down what happened or protect her from the fallout of her actions. Be upfront and honest and tell them exactly what happened, and why your marriage is ending and let them support you through it.

Unfortunately that may mean you lose some friends. But those who take her side, aren't the type of friends you need anyway.

CrookedJack

All great advice but we're at least three girlfriends deep now! Ex-wife is a speck in the rear-view mirror (hopefully)